Bizarre behavior

[UGAchick]

Okay- here we go.

 

Long story short: boyfriend dumps me out of the blue after 2 1/2 years. Tells me he loves me, I am the best thing to ever happen to him, etc., but he can't handle the responsibility of another person in his life and wants to be alone. There is no one else- his friends have tried to get him to go out and he won't. He goes to work and goes home. How do I know this> Lucky me- I live in the same apartment building!

 

So, 4 days after the breakup (march 26) I go to him and say we need to be adult about this, let's be friends, etc. He tells me he can't be my friend right now because his feelings for me haven't changed, he still is in love with me, etc. So, I ask before I leave if we are even going to speak to one another when we see each other. He says, "I guess."

 

Well, as luck would have it, I see him all of the time, and he never speaks. He just looks at me and says nothing. I figure I went out on a limb to offer my friendship and he turned it down, so why should I extend myself any further? Here's the strange thing: He tells his friends he has no interest in going out, no interest in meeting anyone else, no interest in dating anyone. He has expressed to various people how difficult it is to see me, and they have commented that he seems very unhappy. He has also yet to ask for his key back, which is very unusual for him. He has also begun to alter his schedule so we don't bump into each other. Why, if he was the one who wanted to break up, is he going to all these great lengths not to see or talk to me? It makes no sense.

 

Since the "let's be friends" incident where I was shot down, it's been 4 weeks and no contact, although we do see each other, but don't speak.

Does this sound bizarre to anyone else?

[bowski]

This sound very bizarre to me but it almost seems like he is avoiding you to help himself get over you. Maybe he broke up with you because he loves you but isnt in love with you. Was there a physical attraction there right before this happened or had u noticed him becoming more withdrawn from you? He might just love you in a different way and doesnt want to see and talk to you for fear of leading u on.

[UGAchick]

No. No pulling away. He was going through a weird depression for about a month before the breakup (he has periods of this behavior). I asked him about it on a Tuesday. I asked him if it was us. He said no, absolutely not and that he didn't know it was obvious that he was in a "funk". I said it was, that I was worried and that it was affecting us. I said I just wanted him to be happy and his reply was that he didn't want to be happy- that being happy took too much effort, and that he was afraid to figure out what was wrong. He hugged me, kissed me and said he was sorry he was hurting me. We e-mailed Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday I went to see him after work and he dumped me.

 

My question is: should no contact be employed in this situation? Should I continue to back off? Or should I initiate contact?

[sphinx999]

I left some one once because I thought my depression was selfish and I had no right to be with that person because I dragged them down, maybe thats how he feels. He sounds confused and lost and he may be losing the diesire to live. I would warn his friends so they can keep an eye on him.

[The Capitan]

I would agree...sounds like he is having a moderate depressive episode. You said that he has had these before -- how often? Does he cycle, meaning does he have periods of depression at times and at other times periods of extreme happiness and excitment? Had he ever seen anyone for depression? Does he have any problems that might be leading to this depression -- for example: medical problems, drug/alcohol use/abuse, other major life events? Does he have a family history of and psych problems?

Sorry to ask all of these questions, but by his actions, he sounds depressed, and dropping out of the relationship sounds like it could very well be just part of this depression...

He definitely may need a little extra looking out for right now...

[kate111]

I think that if he truly loved you he would have trouble refraining from contacting you.

 

He loves you but not in love with you.

 

I think he still probably wouldn't have dumped you unless there was someone else on the scene (sad but unfortunately true). Most people still wouldn't have the strength to break off for this reason.

 

As both of these possibilities are unlikely I think depression or something else must be at work here.

 

Maybe you could contact a trusted mutual friend.

 

Or maybe you need to tell him that you don't accept his reasons and ask if it is due to something else.