falling in love for a second time..?

[dogwood]

Love is .. friggin confusing. I'm not even sure what my point is here. But I guess I'll try to sum up:

 

About a year and a half ago I broke up with my first gf, (let's call her 'A') and she was also first girl I ever fell in love with. The relationship was incredibly intense, the break up was incredibly messy and painful, and I completely fell apart afterwards. It also took me almost a year to start to feel really over her.

 

Right now I'm with someone new, (J). well not that new, we've been dating almost 5 months now. We say we love each other often, but neither of us has yet said it in that WAY, "I love you". I think I do love her, I'm almost sure of it, and I want to tell her soon. But at the same time it feels so different from before with A. I guess this is obvious, of course you will fall fast and hard for your first, but after that.. how does it work?

 

I'm over A, but recently I sent her a short email just trying to be on friendly terms again. She wrote back saying she thought we were on friendly terms, and asked me what exactly I wanted out of this? The question kinda took me off-guard.. I realized.. what do I want out of this? Do I want to be friends with her? Meet up for a coffee to catch up? Or just have a friendly chat online?

 

All I know is when I think of A.. even though she hurt me more than I've ever been hurt and is terrible girlfriend material.. when I think of the times we were happy together, it feels f*cking magical. When I was with her I was on top of the world. Nothing was wrong, everything was amazing, I loved her with every little ounce of my heart. (But don't get me wrong, I am over her.)

 

When I'm with J I'm very happy. But it's not the same. Perhaps it's because after breaking up with A and being cheated on it really did unearth a lot of dark feelings and pain inside me.. and have perhaps been much more jaded since then.. no more innocent fairy tale love...

 

but I just want it to feel as magical as it did before. It almost does.. there's just something missing. I love J, and she and I are amazing for each other, and she is an incredible person.. we have some problems, perhaps there is not as much "instant chemistry" as there was with A (for example she is not very sexual and I am very much so.. ) but I don't know. When I was with A, being in love with her was all I needed in life. It made life amazing, wonderful, even the hard times were fine.

 

With J, there are still hard times. Life is.. well it's life. It's way better with her in it, and I am incredibly happy to be with her. But when I was with A, the thought of breaking up was impossible, and if it were to happen, all life would be in shambles. I certainly don't want to break up with J, and if it were to happen I would be heartbroken, but I can also see myself moving on with life.. Maybe I just need to tell her I love her, in that way. Maybe that will change things. Or maybe once you've fallen in love the first time, it's never the same after that.

 

I'm just confused as to why it's so different the second time around.. but I guess it is for everyone.. anyways, any advice or relatable stories much welcome.. hehe.

[Celestialagape54]

I know you say that you are over 'A' but it seems like you still have some lingering feelings for her. Do you really think you gave yourself enough time to fully get over her. May I ask what is it that you truly want with 'A' since you recently had contact with her?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are not over A..not by a longshot. If you were truly over A you would not be seeing what you have with J as less than what you had with A, now would you have bothered to contact A while in a "loving" relationship with J. You are not being fair to J..she is playing second fiddle in your mind to A. I think you really need to reconsider your relationship with J. I wonder if you are just settling right now in order to have someone. It is okay to be alone until you truly find someone who knocks your socks off. First love is most definitely romanticized..but you know what...when you truly fall in love with someone, the first love becomes totally irrelevant and meaningless.

[dogwood]

.. You guys are missing the point.. and are wrong..

 

When you have only fallen in love once, obviously the second time you do, you are going to compare it to the last. It's human nature. And J does it with hers as well, openly with me, in a healthy way. I truly do love J, and am over A. Perhaps there are lingering feelings for A somewhere in there, but like I said I don't believe you ever STOP loving someone, you just move on with your life, and forget about that feeling. and I'm not going to do anything stupid and go see A, I am very happy with J.

 

I was simply wondering why it feels like the magic part isn't there.. I love J, it just feels a bit.. different. whatever..

[Celestialagape54]

I do UNDERSTAND because my ex was was my first love as well and I was with him for four years! I know what you mean about the magic part of the relationship.

 

I beg to differ but I think that when you DO get over someone you stop loving them. I know that I will never forget my ex because he was my first for everything but I DO NOT have any kind of lingering feelings for him.

 

It took 1.5 years for me to get involved again. He is the man that I am seeing now and I can tell you for a FACT that I do not compare my love for him with that one I had for my ex. The reason for that is because I love this man like I have never loved anyone. There is no comparison for me but like I said I think it is because I am TRULY over my ex.

 

If you truly love J then we are very happy for you I guess you will just have to accept the fact that J will always be second best. Until you stop comparing your love for J to your love for A, that lack of magic will always be there. Every love you will have will be different and you have to understand that what you had for A will not be the same as what you have for J.

[arcadefire]

I think you are approaching your relationship with J with more caution due to the incredible pain you've felt with the falling out with A. Which is why you are not feeling the insta-sparks and such with J. You should tell J that you love her when you feel ready. Don't force yourself. Continue to love her and care for her and eventually the right time will come.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When you have only fallen in love once, obviously the second time you do, you are going to compare it to the last.

 

Perhaps a little comparison..but when truly in love with the new one, it wouldn't be the case that the old one was more magical than the new one. I also have to wonder about a relationship in which both people are openly comparing each other to their previous ex. That is not a healthy thing to do. Yes, you can indeed stop loving someone..people stop loving their ex's all the time when they have moved on to someone who really knocks their socks off. Also, it is clear that you have never forgotten about the feeling for A. You may love J, but clearly she is not holding a candle to A and that is why you keep thinking about A and felt the need to contact her. The magic part is not there with J for two reasons...1) you are not completely over A because you are romanticizing the magic you had with A. 2) You may love J but you are not head over heels for her.

[dogwood]

Thanks for your support all. You have given me some things to think about. Arcadefire, you bring up an interesting point. I don't exactly feel cautious in my feelings for J, I'm ready to fall hard again.. but I am perhaps afraid to tell her how I feel in fear she won't feel the exact same way. I've never been the first one to say those words.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, I also kindof agree with the last things you said. In a sense I guess I am romanticizing the magic I had with A.. even though it was only a few months before everything blew up, it was pretty special. But maybe because I was a blank slate I am romanticizing it, maybe because I was so innocent and naive when I fell in love with her it feels that way. I've been through a lot since then.. so maybe it's more about my outlook on life than it is about either girl. I don't really know if I'm head over heels about J.. I think I am.. and will grow to be more..

 

both relationships are entirely different as well. With A, we both fell for each other VERY FAST, and were incredibly affectionate and very sexual with each other from very early. And the relationship maintained high intensity the whole time.

 

With J, it has been very slow moving. She is very different from A in that she is more shy sexually, (it was almost 2 months before we slept together) and it took her a while to truly warm up to me and be herself. Now we are completely ourselves with eachother, but she still is not a very sexual person and does not want to have sex more often than once every 1 or 2 weeks. I am used to having sex a lot in a relationship, and because sex brings a sort of intimacy and intensity that wasn't there before, maybe that's also why I don't feel as much 'magic' at times. And I am not used to falling in love with someone without that element being as present. But with J it feels more real as well, more long term, more that we are really good for each other and trust each other and love each other and will go down this road together, even if we have some clashes. With A we both jumped in blindly, professing our love before we even knew each other that well.. and she did not stick around. But I also did truly love her, I know that.

 

Anyways enough blabbering...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Don't confuse lust with love. What you had with your ex may have simply been lust..all that sex...the newness of being in a relationship etc. Relationships that start with fire often burn out just as quickly because it is not based on true love..it is based on being in love with the notion of being in love..and lust. Remember, A cheated on you and was a lousy gf who put you through a lot...there is more to a relationship than lust. You may have had excitement and lust with A, but you did not really have the solid building blocks for a good relationship..it was all really based on fantasy. With J you are moving more slowly..the relationship is built on a more solid foundation than lust. Now perhaps your sex drives are just not compatible..and that is why there is something missing for you...maybe the sex life needs to be spiced up a bit...if your connection with J is strong then you two should be able to communicate about your sex life. Perhaps if you spice that up a bit and have it a little more frequently then you might develop stronger feelings for J. It doesn't have to be the same frequency as you had with A..which was really just a lust relationship...but coming to some happy compromise with J might go a long way in further cementing this relationship.

[mad rabbits]

I am thinking maybe you are wasting J's time.

 

I could be wrong...but if I was her, and knew your thoughts...I would have left already.

[dogwood]

first off, badhabits, that was completely unhelpful.. thanks for your 'advice'... regardless of this post i made, I treat J very well and love her, and we are very happy together.

 

crazyaboutdogs: it's true that my relationship with A moved very quickly, and had a weak foundation. There were fireworks the entire time, and you're right in that a relationship that starts on fire very well may burn out quickly. But you are wrong about the lust thing. I did truly love A, and she did love me, regardless of her betrayal. (It's very complicated..) Even though it maybe moved faster than recommended, and there was a lot of sex, it was a relationship of lust AND love.

 

With J we have both of those things too... when we do have sex it's amazing, she is just not a very sexual person and doesn't like to have it as often as me.. but there's not much I can do about that..

 

I don't want to compare anymore though.. I'm just going to ride this out and see what happens. I really do want to fall in love with J fully, and visa versa.. even if it takes some time.

[Nixee]

first off, badhabits, that was completely unhelpful.. thanks for your 'advice'... regardless of this post i made, I treat J very well and love her, and we are very happy together.

 

 

I don't think it is fair of you to jump on the post that badhabits made as 'bad advice'.... I was actually thinking along the same lines myself when reading the thread and your post and I think it was a valid response.

 

For further explanation, I understand that you treat J well, and you are in a loving relationship... and this is good... but I think the point is that something is obviously 'off' or else you wouldn't be making this post, would you?

 

So perhaps I wouldn't put things so bluntly as badhabits... but yes, if I were J, and I knew how much you thought of A still, and how much you compared your feelings of love for me for the feelings of love you had for A, I would feel very much inadequate. I would be worried that you weren't ready to be with me, or that I didn't make you feel enough.

 

And to add to this.... this thread actually interested me specifically because I am in a similar boat and I DO understand. I understand every word of what you explain. My ex... it was like magic with us... it was wonderful. And yes... the love for him... a part of it will always remain.. I agree with you on that, and not some other posters. However I HAVE fallen in love again. I did. And it is possible to feel every bit as excited about another person as you did the first time around.... IF they are the right person and IF you are ready. If that isn't happening for you now, my best guess is that either J (though she may be wonderful in many ways), doesn't quite do it for you on the same level, or you simply aren't ready and aren't as healed as you think. And for the record... being HEALED is more than just being "over" someone sometimes.