HeartBrokn Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Ok, first hello everyone! I haven't been on the site for a long time. I joined almost a year ago, while deployed to Afghanistan. I absolutely have so much thanx to give to this site for steering me in the right direction in my marriage. SO long story short, I’ve been back for about 9 months and things in my marriage are going much better than they were while I was deployed and many years before I went on my deployment. However, my wife has not been very intimate with me and we don't have sex anymore. The last time we had sex was about 3 weeks ago and last time before that was maybe 3 weeks before the last. So I am averaging 1.6 times a month. I confronted my wife about this issue, I’ve asked her the regular common questions, are you stressed, are you tired, do you love me, are you in love with me? Bottom line she doesn't know what is up. She made an appointment to talk to a Psychologist this week. What worries me the most is the fact that she is not sure if it’s her or ME? We have been married for about 10 years we have two kids 6,7 and we have had a rollercoaster of a marriage. After I came back from the deployment I changed Sooo much about how I react to her, I am not fighting with her anymore, compared to fighting at least 2-3 per week before I left. I am much more supportive and loving. I am also afraid that it might be too late, that I have scarred her so much that she doesn't want to open up to me anymore. Do you guys think there is a point where it's too late or can you change your heart to love someone again? If it matters in the big scheme of things, I have felt at one time in our relationship a disconnect and lack of love for her, but after a while I fell in love with her again. Anyways please enlighten me, sorry for the long post. Link to comment
HappyHealing Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Before it is all too late - at least that you two are still together, I would highly recommend you not only get support from forums like this, but seek professional help and do lots of self-education. I hope things work out the best between you two. 1. Work with Therapist/Marriage counselor can save lots of marriage/relationships. 2. Educate yourself - as much as you can. (google) Al Turtle's website has huge amount of information on relationships which i find extremely helpful. Read up on relationship books and do some self-diagnose, discuss this with your partner. Just a few books comes to mind: - Susan Page - How the one of you can bring the two of you together - Harville Hendrix - Receiving love - David Richo - When the past is Present - David Richo - How to be an adult in relationships - Pia Mellody - The intimacy factor - Pia Mellody - Facing codependence - Willard Harley - His needs, her needs - Willard Harley - Love busters - John Gray - Many books in his series are worthwhile reading... Lack of sex and physical intimacy is often a sign of lack of emotional intimacy, and before she emotionally divorce you and completely checkout of the marriage, please seek professional help and read up on the subject. I'm not sure if she's getting her emotional needs met from outside of the marriage - ie. possibility of affair. You might want to read up on the subject of extra-marital affair, often these books gives very good insight of what people are lacking in their primiary relationship that is unmet so they seek from outside of marriage. I hope you can bring your marriage around and make this relationship work! Best of luck... Link to comment
bentandbroken Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Hello HB, Sorry to hear this about your wife, in a way I can sort of relate. However ... I'm in the place of your wife, and my ex was in the place of you. I got really annoyed with my ex, him and I were together for four years. After awhile I did start to get burnt out on him, we were fighting worse than cats, and dogs. I got to the point I couldn't even talk to him on the phone anymore. He would call, and I would cringe. The last time he visited me (he was long distance, but visited every two months, and stayed for about 3 weeks) we were hardly intimate at all. I just didn't have the desire to do it anymore, and each day I was praying for the weeks to just go by faster and make him go home. However, not to scare you ... (in my personal experience) I'm now starting to miss my ex a little bit.' I know that if I ever talk to him again, I would be completely head over heels for him now ... it's one of those times that you don't know what you have until it's gone. So personally, yes, I do believe things can turn around. Maybe she just needs some space? She could possibly be burnt out too, maybe with the help of a psychiatrist, things will turn around for you, and her. Good luck! Link to comment
HeartBrokn Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 HappyHealing Thank you. I can spend all night typing away the damaging things I have done in our relationship. Few on purpose and most things were not. Either way I am just scared that she doesn't feel in her heart that we are meant to be. I really do believe we are because we share some beautiful things together, we have our two beautiful kids and many things in common, however we are also distinctly different, she is an introvert I am an extrovert. It's taken me 10 years to kind of accept that. I am really considering Marriage Counselor, after she talks to a counselor first to see if she can do some self-realization first. Thank you for your response. Also thank you for your book suggestions. BentandBroken, Thank you too. Life is full of trial and error, as you can probably relate. Relationships are so tricky sometimes. I love my wife soo much and I really don't want to lose my family. One big issue that I have, and I am not sure if you were like this, but my wife is completely independent and she really doesn't need me. Since I am in the military and I feel if I move and we separate for a trial period, I am afraid that is just going to seal our break-up. We are not talking about a brake up at the moment but the whole thing started with me confronting her about not being intimate and not ever approaching me for sex. It gets emotionally tiring to always chase your significant other for sex. It starts to feel like they are not really into you and she probably isn't. Maybe I am asking too much from my relationship. I don't know any more if it's just social norms and social peer pressure or if it's me acting like a baby and being co-dependent. As far as extramarital stuff as a possibility, I can never discount that, but she is very honest and I trust her. She told me last year that she was starting to fall for someone else after our marriage was going through a chaos. I have asked her because she is showing signs of that but she is saying no and I really do believe her. I am such a girl about feelings; guys should not be like this! Anyways thanks for two thoughtful posts. Link to comment
HappyHealing Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 You are welcome HB. If you are serious in saving this marriage before it is too late, and have the courage/motivation to be fully commited in bring forth the change needed, you need to start today. Start now. Waiting for her to 'realise' things is way too much a passive approach i believe in your situation. You said you realise you've done lots of damage in the past, these realisations is not the cure to your relationship problem, you are barely touched the symptoms of some deeper issues. Understand what causes your behavior, the underlying cause to your actions/feelings and her response to you, and your subsequent response to her response (confusing isn't it), these understanding will help you to prevent them from occurring. I read on this forum once someone mentioned this: It is one thing to realise you need to change, another thing you understand what you need to change, but ultimately it is making that change. If you don't do things differently from now, you going to either make it worse or nothing will change (relationship heading to breakup door). What you mentioned about confronting lack of sex/intimacy is so very common in your situation, and that's why i recommended you read up the books. Chapter 3/4 of His Needs Her Needs described some very similar issues to what you are facing. Whilst her need for affection is not met, she doesn't feel the loving to give you what your need (sexual intimacy). By confronting and pushing, (and assuming you are not equiped with all the communication skills as illustrated by Al Turtle, such as validation) you can easily push her further away emotionally, creating a larger gap, and lead to even less desire for her to be with physically close with you. I believe many of these books and resource on the website could give you more insight to the 'underlying' issues, many of these are written so that the reader can relate to them easily. At the end of the day, things will change (in the positive direction) only when you start making change (in the right way). Good luck... Link to comment
bentandbroken Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 One big issue that I have, and I am not sure if you were like this, but my wife is completely independent and she really doesn't need me. Yep, I was the exact same way. I still am, I always told my ex "...you know, I really don't need you if you can't add up to my expectations." I know that sounds really harsh, and cruel (I have my reasoning's though) but that's what I told him. Now, I'm not sure what it's like cause I wasn't married, and I didn't have children ... it's a whole different ball game after that I'm sure. My ex knew I was independent, and it bothered him a little bit' too. I was for certain that I would close the relationship, wash my hands of it, and be done. It took me several months, and I followed through with it with No Contact ... but the feelings are starting to come back. All I know is I wanted space, I didn't want to talk for a little while, and I needed to just get away. I hope your marriage doesn't come down to this, and everything turns out okay. Again good luck =) Link to comment
HeartBrokn Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 I just spoke with my dad, and God Bless his soul, he has a weird way of looking at relationships. I told him about my difficulties I was having in my marriage and he was basically advising me to just put up with it and he suggested I might be unrealistic in my expectations of a relationship. I guess I don't understand his view, does anyone else not think you should be in a caring, loving relationship where a couple wants to be around each other, and wants to spend time doing things with each other. Does anyone have any good perspective and also ways they behave in their relationship. I am kind of looking for someone that has had a relationship/marriage that is over 6 years old. Mine is nearing 10 years and because things change after a long relationship. Link to comment
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