Fear of commitment? Or is he just not right?

[Firiel]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months. We are in a long distance relationship, but I spent this last summer in his city and I plan on moving back there (it's where I'm from) after I graduate.

 

He's great. From the moment we met, we could talk about anything. He makes me laugh like no other, I love him like crazy, and he really and truly is my best friend. He is ready to get engaged, but I am not. I guess I just don't feel certain that he's the one I want to spend my life with... and I don't really know why. I can't think of anything that would keep me from making this decision, but... I'm scared, I guess.

 

The only specific thing that worries me/is a problem is that sometimes he (accidentally) pressures me to do things. (Only once has this been a physical thing, and it was a minor physical step... not sex or anything like that... when I finally 'fessed up that I had felt pressured, he felt absolutely terrible.) Basically, he has always moved faster than me (started crushing on me first, fell in love faster, now is ready to get engaged sooner), and he does, I think, have some abandonment issues stemming from a previous relationship. When he comes to me for reassurance, I end up feeling pressured to move faster than I would like to make him feel happy and confident.

 

We both recognize that this happens, and we are both consciously try to communicate in order to avoid it. It still happens some, though, despite both our efforts, and I am a little scared that I will be facing pressure to do this and that forever, but I do really and truly believe that this is something we are working through and will be able to work out.

 

I think I also worry because I was not attracted to him at first. He wasn't my type. I got to know him, though, and I am incredibly attracted to him now... and it's not just that I like his personality either. I am incredibly attracted to him physically. I guess I just get scared that it'll go away because I wasn't always so into him physically.

 

But he's great. Most men I get along well with are also men I could never in a million years date, but he is just the perfect mixture of everything. He's hilarious when he needs to be and he is so sweet. I've always dreamed about meeting a guy I can just talk to about anything and everything and who will be a huge emotional support to me no matter what. My boyfriend is that guy. When I think about waking up next to him every day forever, I just feel kind of warm and peaceful inside.

 

I honestly can't imagine what else I could want in a man, and I don't want to throw something so amazing away based on doubts that are entirely unfounded. And I feel like if I can't get over doubts about him, I'd never be able to commit to anyone.

 

So, how do I tell if I am just fearful of commitment in general or if my gut instinct is telling me something isn't right?

[annie24]

it's hard to tell. but what's the rush to get married? you are still young. i think if you need more time to make your decision, tell him that. i can understand why you don't feel like you know if you are ready to commit to him. you probably aren't. i'd tell him you want to wait another year (or however long). if he isn't ok with that, he should move on.

[Firiel]

it's hard to tell. but what's the rush to get married? you are still young. i think if you need more time to make your decision, tell him that. i can understand why you don't feel like you know if you are ready to commit to him. you probably aren't. i'd tell him you want to wait another year (or however long). if he isn't ok with that, he should move on.

 

I totally know what you mean, and even up to a few months ago, I would have completely agreed... I mean, I'm young and we haven't been dating that long.

 

But I have lately been coming to the realization that I know everything I need to know about him to make that decision. I mean, of course I don't know everything about him, but I have more than enough information to decide if he is right for me or not. I feel like now I'm just putting off the decision. I know he'd stay if I asked him to wait another year, but I don't want to do that to him... and I don't want to wait another year before starting my life with him either.

 

I think part of it comes from the fact that in the culture in which we are immersed (Evangelical Christian background), people tend to get engaged after dating anywhere from eight to fourteen months.

[annie24]

is it that you don't feel the 'challenge' from him - like you know you have him, and now the thrill of the chase is gone for you? on one hand, i think it's awesome to have a guy who is 150% into you. i would love that, after years of dating jerks and unavailable guys. a guy who is really crazy about me would be wonderful to have.

 

on the other hand, do you feel like he is rushing into things, and trying to make a future for you without really asking if that's what you want?

[Firiel]

is it that you don't feel the 'challenge' from him - like you know you have him, and now the thrill of the chase is gone for you? on one hand, i think it's awesome to have a guy who is 150% into you. i would love that, after years of dating jerks and unavailable guys. a guy who is really crazy about me would be wonderful to have.

 

on the other hand, do you feel like he is rushing into things, and trying to make a future for you without really asking if that's what you want?

 

Yes and no. I mean, I don't have the thrill of the chase anymore, but that is totally to be expected. I think it's something that I may miss a bit, but not enough to go looking for it! I dated a guy once who never seemed to want to hang out with me, and while the "Gee, can I be a good enough girlfriend to make him want to talk to me today?" thing may have been somewhat exciting, it was more emotionally damaging than anything.

 

I have no fears for the next year or two years or anything. I guess I just worry about waking up in fifteen years and thinking, "Man, I messed up!" Or even worse, developing feelings for someone else down the road (I would never act on these hypothetical feelings!), because he deserves so much better than that. He knows he wants to marry me, and I don't know that I want to marry him... and I guess I also feel like he deserves better than that... like, that he deserves someone who is as certain about him as he is about her.

[nutbrownhare]

You're still very young, and deciding to marry after 16 months of knowing someone would seem to ME to be a bit quick (though I realise that many would disagree). Also, as you've been in a long distance relationship, it's not even as if you've spent all that 16 months in each other's company. I think your doubts arise from realising that this is too soon to be making such a momentous decision.

 

I forget where I read this, but apparently most people are still revealing themselves to their partners two years into a relationship - and that's in relationships where they've had two years of togetherness time.

 

Don't let yourself be pressured. Take your time and let yourself know whether this guy is right for you or not. Otherwise you're likely to end up with just the scenario you describe.

[annie24]

You're still very young, and deciding to marry after 16 months of knowing someone would seem to ME to be a bit quick (though I realise that many would disagree). Also, as you've been in a long distance relationship, it's not even as if you've spent all that 16 months in each other's company. I think your doubts arise from realising that this is too soon to be making such a momentous decision.

 

I forget where I read this, but apparently most people are still revealing themselves to their partners two years into a relationship - and that's in relationships where they've had two years of togetherness time.

 

Don't let yourself be pressured. Take your time and let yourself know whether this guy is right for you or not. Otherwise you're likely to end up with just the scenario you describe.

 

totally agre!!!!!!!

[mca1975]

I agree with the other posters. It seems like human nature to actually get something you wanted and then to miss the thrill and the challenge of finding what you want. You know what they say "be careful what you wish for, it may come true".

 

For you, I think its just the fact that its far too soon to be thinking about marriage. You have not been together that long and also there is NO WAY you will know everything about him. I totally agree that even two years or more into a relationship, partners are still revealing new things to each other. This is evident in my relationship still now (1 year old) and its even true to say, that you never really know everything about someone.

 

Just say you are happy with him but not ready to get married. I would never consider marriage at age 21.