Getting more difficult as time goes on..long

[Beachandsurf]

I have already posted another thread when the break up occurred two weeks ago..and tried to post in NC, but I blew it..I broke NC as soon as I posted in the thread lol, now I am hurting, so here goes.

 

Ten years ago I moved to the beach here and met my neighbors in the same complex and became friends. I was dating someone and it was not serious and I was not happy. My neighbors best friend would say "that guy does not treat you right why don't you let me take you out? . I would laugh it off as we were buddies and I did not think of him that way.

 

After six months I said ok. We dated serious right away. He was with me all the time and he worked part time and lived with his friend. He drank alot and did alot of drugs. The first week we were together I came home from work one night and he was wasted and told me he loved me and then feel off the chair drunk lol.. this was in June of 2000. We would fight and break up every two weeks. He would go back home and take the phone off the hook or he would talk to me and tell me how it was not going to work and we did not get along, and then he would be back the next day saying I was his soul mate.

 

In May of 2001 he was wasted where I worked and almost cost me my job..I walked away ... it was hard. I loved him so much. He blew me off like I had just testified in court against him or slept with his brother, I t was awful. He was so mean. Six months after we broke up he was dating the bartender where he hung out. I cried for two years, and did not date for three. He stayed with that girl two years.. She cheated on him and he went to jail for domestic violence.

 

Well, I would always wonder how he was and heard he had been ill over the years and then last Oct I put his name in myspace and a profile popped up. I emailed him to say hello, because I happened to be driving by the old place he used to live on my way home one day and saw him there a few times. well he had broken up about three years ago and been single and had some health issues as I said. Anyway we got together that night and had been together ever since. He moved into my place a month later and moved out two months later .. we fight and break up every two weeks, and he would go home and take the phone off the hook, or talk to me and tell me we dont get along, but he loves me and we are soulmates. he still drinks and does drugs.

 

Now we have broken up again and he is ignoring me and I have emailed him to ask we stay friends which is what he wanted if we broke up, but he is just blowing me off again,, it is history repeating itself. Only difference is he did not work this time around, I have spent thousands of dollars supporting him and everything was about him.. And now he does not have the decency to even talk to me.. I told him I was cutting him off..when he got pissed after a fight and decided to walk out and walk the mile and a half home drunk at 3am.

 

Guess this is all leading to why do I feel so abandoned, it is the same crap as before.. why am I still so sad and finding it so hard to move on?? he has it seems. Just as he did before...what is wrong with me??

[waveseer]

You want something he cannot give, stability.

[Beachandsurf]

that's for sure. He lives for free at his buddy's house, And his Mom has him do odd jobs for a little cash to keep him in beer and cigs and scratch offs. He has not worked in a year, And was on disability for three. When he was here he would not even go to work at his Mom's. Funny, he seems pretty stable living that way ...doing nothing but hanging out.

[waveseer]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, you can do way better than him, honest.

[Beachandsurf]

that is sweet to say, thank you...

guess I am having trouble with the repeating of history. I emailed him last night asking him to stop being so mean ... and please talk to me. I really do not want to go back to the relationship, but it hurts that he is just doing this again ten years later almost. It hurts alot.. it took two weks, and I was okay and then it just kicked in..

[waveseer]

As long as you keep coming back he will capitalize on your willingness. The only way to stop the cycle is to stop coming back.

[Beachandsurf]

it is confusing why this hurts so much if we are just repeating the same scenario over again.. I was afraid to go thought his pain again. I never stopped loving him..when he wanted too he was an amazing person to be with..but that would only last for a short time, like a few days after we would get back together.. same now..

I am confused because in my heart i wanted it to work out , but in my head I know it never will. as he will never change.

[quirky]

I honestly think you can do sooo much better than this. You seem to be attracted to the drama and the rejection coming from him interpreting it as love. If nothing else he's not sober and hasn't got a clue what he's saying. How do you know what's true? He is NOT gonna give you what you want. Don't go looking for fish at the butcher's. Always look at the actions not the words. Why care if he wants to be friends or not? At least for now it's best to let things be. When you take some distance and look at things for what they ARE rather than what you'd want them to be, you'll feel so much better and stronger.

[Beachandsurf]

the fact that I do care is driving me crazy....I have more time to myself, more money and don't feel suppressed, in all it is so much better... this thing about how he can just walk away again as if I never existed in the first place that breaks my heart..

It just seemed so amazing we found one another again.. guess the illusion being gone is why I am crying....

he is never sober.. he drinks his beer all day , everyday

[quirky]

It's natural to hurt. Don't beat yourself up for that too. You need self love right now. He's not sober he doesn't feel much that's why seems to not care. He's not responsible. I know it's hard to let go of an idealistic picture..

[Beachandsurf]

he has developed the signs and symptoms of years of alcohol abuse.. he forgets entire conversations, days, he imagines conversations... it has been very difficult to see these changes.. at times I don't know who he is....he really is not the same man I knew ten years ago, but I am changed too. Less tolerant.. he did not like that. He says he wants to stop drinking. He has liver disease and hepatitis.. it is hard to watch him crack each beer....but still he drinks..

just venting here.. really appreciate the input.. I feel so sad this evening.. we were to go to a concert.. I emailed him several times and left messages on the answering machine. Asking if we could at least go so the money did not go to waste.. nothing..