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Beachandsurf

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Everything posted by Beachandsurf

  1. Beachandsurf
    Happy Birthday John
  2. Beachandsurf
    well John, not even for Christmas?? You coward. lol You are such a piece of S+++. I have no idea why I am still thinking about you.. But then, you have been the love of my life and I have always thought you would grow up.. guess not.. so have another 18 pack today and smoke two more packs of cigs and smoke your weed all day long, that you stole from Eric's bag lol and enjoy the truck your Dad gave you and the car insurance your Mom pays for you.. Have a Happy birthday in Jan when you turn 43 and still are one step above homeless.. And you just dont see it do you??
  3. Beachandsurf
    thank you, I was just going to post the same thing
  4. Beachandsurf
    OMG could not have said this better myself.. Hope you find the something you are needing soon...
  5. Beachandsurf
    started crying again, I was doing so well. I hate this, I hate that you still affect my heart this way.. I hate that I let you come back after eight years.. I hate you.. and yet. I still hope.. hope that you will grow up and you will get help with your addictions and find you love me. But I know that is never going to happen. You are a piece of S*** and you have no concience nor a soul. All you have is your deep dark misery, and you live in that abyss and you will never let the light in.. You would be better off dead.
  6. Beachandsurf
    was doing ok and for some reason the rush came back, the feelings of sadness.. sticking to my guns here though. still wish you were dead, still think you are a jerk, and still think you and your circle are warped in the head.. there, I feel better.... This too shall pass.. you will never get the chance to do this to me a third time...
  7. Beachandsurf
    well John, has been almost three months. and I gotta tell ya, it has been four days since I shed a tear!! I have a great network here and around me now, so you loose a******! your furniture is gone, and you are no longer welcome in my heart. The more I have spent thinking of all the crap you sent my way and the way you have chosen to ignore me the happier I am knowing I have made the right decision. Oh, I still wish you a short life and one full of misery for you and your associates and family, but hey, you all deserve each other, Misery loves company lol, that's why we didn't get along. Have a good Holiday with your new whoever if there is one, she wont last long either once you stop sleeping with her and start moping around and finding faults with everything she does, and she too will get tired of spending on you, Dude you are NOT that good in bed lol. Maybe Santa will bring me good news, you, six feet under ;p ;-)
  8. Beachandsurf
    last night i awoke whimpering , the sound woke me and I was unaware at first that it was coming from me. It was an awful sound. I fell back asleep and awoke later with a headache. I thought by speaking to your stepdad sat night that they would have had you at least call me about your things. but NO, NOTHING. You are a piece of s++t. Your sofa and love seat went out Sunday as I told him it was going to. It was hard and I cried to the point of not being able to stand. My friend had to hold me up. It was dreadful. But after awhile I felt somewhat empowered, and felt alittle like I gained some control back. I also got an estimate for the door frame repair. And come next thursday on payday it will be filed in small claims. If you do not pay, I will place a lean on your truck. You think I had issues before, ?? The emotional damage being with you again has left me with now will show you how bad the issues are lol. I wish you nothing but heartache and misery for the rest of your life. I wish ten years of not stop suffering, I hope you loose your loved ones to any and everything that hurts you and pray for you to die alone.
  9. Beachandsurf
    not doing well today, day 13 been up since 3am, had a nightmare and it was as if he were in the house. so real.. been crying ever since, even had a fight with neighbor that has been after me to date him, but that is another thread lol.. and another loser..
  10. Beachandsurf
    day 12, ok I think I am back on track now ;-) I am still crying everyday. But have not sent an email. I want to write so badly and call, hoping he will answer and we can talk and I can have closure. Guess the hardest thing is he is still not contacting me, it is so hard to accept he just does not care. But he is selfish that way. And NC is better that dealing with the issues that broke up up in the first place.
  11. Beachandsurf
    All I can do after two weeks of me not trying to contact you is cry. Can you really be this selfish?? I wrote you so many times asking you if I meant anything to you to please call me. After all the years we spent apart and all the promises you made when we found one another again, how can you just shut me out of your life. I wish I never found you again.. I cannot handle this pain again. I was dealing with it after eight years and now it is back again.. You are the epitome of evil John.. a cruel and heartless man. I am glad we are done, I can finally have the closure my heart needed years ago.. You will never change. Always a addict, always a loser.
  12. Beachandsurf
  13. Beachandsurf
    Could be. After we got back together he confessed the times he saw me were hard and he really wanted to talk to me but he was afraid I hated him. I hated him for the first week and a half, and then I broke down.
  14. Beachandsurf
    He did the same thing to me eight years ago when we broke up the first time. I tried then NC first and then making up or trying to be friendly and he just ignored me, He would see me at his buddy's apartment and make a n exit as soon as I got there. It was evil, and it hurt. And now the same thing. Yet he is friends with the ex before me from way back. Even went to her house one night drunk to tell the man she is engaged to, to be nice to her because my ex felt the guy was not treating her right . Go figure.
  15. Beachandsurf
    It seems these things get so complicated don't they? ;-) why is it always so hard? Keep your chin up, and don't contact him, as you say, you crossed those boundaries before and this is where it has gotten you. It is hard but we are here for you and it is only a few more weeks. SO deep breath ;-) and keep typing. That's what I do.. I sit and have my crying bouts and then get on here and type in a few threads. I like this one and the one that allows you to type there what you would be typing to your ex ;-) now that's a BIG help Keeps me from calling or emailing..
  16. Beachandsurf
    fighting the NC and wanting to call you...hoping you will answer the phone finally and want to talk. And tell me you miss me and you are sorry for treating me like a piece of crap and you know you have a serious problem with alcohol and you are going back to your psychiatrist for your PTSD. And you want to try again because you know I love you And you won't hurt me again. But I am afraid to dial the number. Because I know you won't say any of that, you probably won't even answer the damn phone. SO I sit here and cry and feel like crap. And kick myself in the a++ for giving you my heart for a year and letting you break it again. Kicking myself because I never stopped loving you in all these years and waiting for you to someday come back into my life. And then you did and now look at us.. tragic.
  17. Beachandsurf
    you are right, he has not answered the phone for two months why would he now?? he knows the number, if he wanted to talk to me and knows I have tried to talk to him, then he would call. And he never returned one single email. so yea, wasted effort .. I think it is just the habit perhaps ?? And Chris!! day 23!! you go!! ;-) glad you are making it..
  18. Beachandsurf
    You are right we are in this together ...nice to have the support , it helps ;-) I know what you mean by becoming accustomed to this new life.. it seems like it is getting back to normal for me.. I was just thinking again though to call him, have been fighting it all morning.. and you are right again, it just is not worth it.. besides, I have been remembering even more crap.. so, I am still asking, why do I feel like breaking NC anyway ?? We all need to stay strong ;-)
  19. Beachandsurf
    day 7?? I am starting to loose track lol it is all running together. I have a strong desire to call his house or send an email just saying I miss you .. but I am fighting the urge.. this thursday will be two months, My friends say he is not going to try and make contact, has been too long. I'm still sad, but getting better..
  20. Beachandsurf
    Jimmy just told me he loves me. Funny, you always were jealous of him. He says he hates the way you have treated me and what you have done. So, guess you were right, He did have a crush. It made me cry. All I could think of is that this Thursday will mark the two month point since you have ignored me. You and your selfish attitude. The poor victim.. yeah that's what you are the victim right? I love you so much. I would give anything if things could be normal with us. Like they were each time in the very beginning. But it only takes you three weeks and then the honeymoon is over. And both times I asked why you said it happens to everyone. It can't be like a honeymoon for ever, we are not kids.. That killed me. In only three weeks?? I am not sure if I will go out yet with Jimmy. I think it is unfair to him if I do, as I am so upset about you. And I am still waiting like a fool for you to call or knock on the door. I wonder if you miss me?? If you are wondering what is up since I have not tried to call the house or send an email.. it is killing me not knowing that too.. I have to let go. This was our second try, And you were right , we just don't get along. I am just not your type, I won't kiss your a++ anymore and spend the day being wasted with you.. I want our life to be mutual, not all just making you comfortable..I wish it were true when you told me you loved me ...
  21. Beachandsurf
    hhmm I doubt he is missing me, I would like to believe that he is.. guess I will never know. Have made it through the first week NC and pretty proud of myself. Had a moment a few minutes ago, but it passed rather quickly. First time that has happened, but was in the ER at 4am yesterday and had other things to worry about. He would not have been there for me had we been together so it is getting back to normal for me. Hope I can continue to get through those weak moments though.
  22. Beachandsurf
    day 6, doing ok with not emailing or calling, although there has been a strong desire to do so. but I post what I want to write on another thread and that is helping a great deal.. can't help but wonder what he is doing and thinking though..
  23. Beachandsurf
    The neighbors in back have a fire going tonight. Last year they were yelling because we had one every night. Even when I asked you not to have one when I went to work, you did anyway. To the point of pissing them off. But you didn't really live here did you? So it was no big deal to piss off my neighbors. Even so, I am feeling lonely thinking of the times we sat out back and did have a fire on my nights off. Then the reality creeps in, you drinking your beers and drinking my wine. And telling me how I was the fire killer and to leave you to it , and how when we were done outside we would sit and watch what you decided on the tv.. yeah, lonely.. seven weeks of living my own life. Damaged from the abuse, the control, the drinking. So, how many beers are you drinking tonight? Did your buddy come by last night and get you high?? It was Thursday? Did your neighbor come by today so you could walk on her back like you used to every Friday when you would pick a fight with me just to go home?? Or maybe M. was there for lunch today?? I really don't care. Just laughing to myself for being such a fool this last year thinking you gave a crap about me. It's easy to walk away if you don't care isn't it?
  24. Beachandsurf
    don't you realize how much this continues to hurt me by you ignoring me, you the one who begged me to stay friends if we didn't work out, you the one who swore no matter how things went you would never leave and I would never be able to get rid of you, you who said you would give up drinking if it would make things better.. the kitten is getting so big.. you are missing out. The neighbor came by and we moved the rooms back the way they were before you moved in.. I like having the bedroom back the way it was. Makes me feel like I have some control back in my life.
  25. Beachandsurf
    today is day five. was a long night, cried all night and still crying but have not emailed or tried to call. thought I was healing, does not seem so.. but at least I maintained ;-)
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