Beachandsurf

I have been up all night crying and sorting through things in the house.. If I had any idea you would do this to me again the way you did me eight years ago I NEVER would have let you back into my life. I asked you from the start please do not hurt me again. You promised .. claiming you loved me so much. Even your mother told you to be nice to me this time because you were not nice the first time around, after you finally told her it was me you were dating.. you left this house turned upside down, and never helped put it back together or repair the damage to the door.. I saw the pics from the kids visit tonight and that made things worse.. Wish we could find our way.. wish you would get help with your addictions,, wish you were here clean and sober and working and grilling and just being the person I know you are inside beyond the drugs and the beer. But I am the only one that sees a problem, and you however see so many with me.. Sorry I cannot be drunk with you every day and sorry I have to go to work to pay for everything and make a home for us.. but you found being home with your buddy and playing video golf and drinking is much better.. I wish I could forget you.. I have loved you for ten years.. You broke my heart again

day 4.... doing well with NC... but feeling low this morning thinking of him.. still finding it hard to deal with the fact that he can just shut me out of his life as if I never existed ... it is very painful.. thinking of all his promises and all his plans for us.. how I was his soulmate he said and no woman has ever meant more to him.. ;-(

I guess trying to communicate was my way of keeping "us" alive.. this morning I got home from work and was thinking of you.. how you would be here at 7am still drinking beer and just not in a good mood.. I was also thinking how fast you moved to N++++ after we broke up eight years ago... and you did the same as now, the silent treatment.. when we got back together last year, you told me you looked for me all these years.. yet, when I asked you my last name you did not know it. You also had lots and lots of terrible things to say about N++++, I wonder today if you had the same terrible things to say to her about me when we broke up the last time and who your are telling the story to now??

three days, hard .....I wanted to drive past his house and knock on his door.. hoping he would welcome me with open arms.. then the logical part kicks in.. he would never answer the door.. as he would know it was me from seeing the car pull in the driveway and ignore me.. so with that I blew off the thought and just went to Walmart...lonely yes, but better than the rejection all over again had I tried to go to his place..

ok, two whole days now and I have managed no contact...trying to push aside the thoughts like "wonder if this is bothering him?" and others like that.. actually, feeling a little empowered by my success.. ;-) kept busy again this am with the neighbor..and shopping. And nursing the cold that has caught up to me..

trying NC again for the second time at the advice of the great friends here on the forum.. has been 24 hours.. I sent no emails and did not try to call his house.. spent the day yesterday and the evening with friends that were trying to occupy my time and keep my mind off things.. it helped alot..

broke no contact completely.. i can't be strong enough.. called his house after his friends kept leaving messages on my cell for him. I spoke with them first and then called him.. he of course did not answer the phone... this is crazy.. we went through all this ten years ago, EXACT same crap.. don't know why I even care at this point. Now I am trying to see what I can do in small claims.. at least I won't feel so used and feel like i WAS just the bank..

been working night shift and have not been able to post. Today is day 3. I think ...its been eight days since we have spoken.. I caved thursday and called his house but didnt leave a message and have not called back, neither has he. Yesterday I was helping our friends move, He never showed, typical. When the day was done everyone was going separate was as couples and I was heading home alone.. it was hard. I didnt sleep well and am sitting here wanting to write him an email.. telling him I miss him and I will always be here if he needs me, but he has to find the strength within himself to get his life together and stop drinking..

embarressed to say... after posting here in the am, I called his house on my way to work in the evening.. of course there was no answer and the machine picked up. It's his rommies place.. he does not have a phone.. I didn't leave a message. Really don't know why I called. I checked my voicemail all night at work and there was nothing. Not that I'm surprised. he gets mad when I won't be controlled. Not sure ai miss him either.. AARRGHHH I hate this!

It has been six days...I have kept my phone off and deleted him from facebook and myspace... I posted a thread on this forum the other night and got a couple of good responses.. everyone seems to have the same opinion ....;-) So, I came accross the No Contact thread.. and will give a go... wish me luck!! And for all of you that are already in this... good luck to you as well.. Best wishes for happiness...