I wanna die.

[1MoreChance]

I'm tired, things never get better and all I do is suffer. I had a fight with my mother on the phone this morning and she said stuff that point to me knowing that she's been talking about me with my half-sister (who isn't even her daughter) and my half-sister said she would come to my psychiatric evaluation to "support" me next week but she's been cold and distant and hasn't returned my calls (it's funny how she not long ago generalized that I never returned her calls- not even true - but she's been avoiding returning mine and it's my brother who leaves me messages saying he talked to her and stuff).

 

I'm really sick of my family. I can't get close to them and I feel like a freak in front of them. My sister has a mother in Europe but she is closer to my mother than I am (she acts jealous though if I spend the day with my mother though she will never admit it and then she talks to me about "getting help" which I initiated anyway cause they hardly ever give me support).

 

I'm really stupid for staying alive I don't even know why I bother well really I do know it's for my dog and I got a foster kitten from the shelter today but that's it. I had such a bad crying fit today, it hurt so much and I put a towel aroud my neck and I squeezed SO hard and after I kept saying "I wanna die".

 

I feel like it is all suffering and hopelessness for me and it hurts so much. I don't know how long I can keep going I feel so alone. and who cares anyway.My ex said he wanted to stay friends and i never forced him and all of a sudden he doesn't retorn my call a month ago and I asked him through text why he is ignoring me and he never replied (2 texts). I am just sick of life, I feel too alone, a person shouldn't have to be so alone and confused and hurt. I am just a burden to all of them anyway why bother. I think I deserve to be ignored and that's why they do it I am just not worth it. I'm alone I'm scared and I don't want to go on. what will happen to me please tell me. I'm telling you I am so sick of it I am that close to killing myself.

[NightLily]

You are 37. Your family isn't holding you there or forcing you to communicate with them. If you don't like them, or don't feel comfortable around them, then get them out of your life. I know family can be important and uufff.. I have wanted a close knit family for such a long time, but honestly, it doesn't happen for all of us. And, just because they are genetically related to you, does not mean they have to be your end all and be all.

 

What screams out at me from your post is not your message that you want to die but that you just don't want to be alone. Good news is, that can change. I know.. so so well what it is like to have very deep and intense loneliness. I have had very little time in my life where I was not alone. That doesn't mean though it can't change. And while I sometimes feel I might just be meant to be alone.. it simply isn't logical.

 

If you want to meet people you can. Might be a pain in the rump but you can try link removed, online dating, joining a rec sports team, joining a gym even and just talking to people. Anywhere you can go that has people.. will increase your chances of finding a connection.

 

And to me, that is what it seems you really want.

[Ammy]

Hey hun,

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. You helped me so much last week when I was down, you gave me support and bothered to reply to my concerns and that was truly appreciated and showed me that you are a person who truly cares for others and has empathy beyond most people in this world.

 

I'm sorry you have had a tough time with your family. It is hard when you feel all alone and as if no one cares and as if you have to struggle and push for any contact. I have felt like that in the past - sometimes it's been valid and my sister has been slacking off, but sometimes its been that I feel so low, that I interpret it as if she doesn't care when in reality she is just truly busy (I'm not saying this is definitely the case with you, but could it be?)... As for jealousy and sibling rivalry, this again is something I can relate to, my sister and I are close but still there is this rivalry and it gets me down...

 

I'm sorry you feel so alone, and I hope that this can lift and change for you soon. You gave me hope last week and it helped me immensely, I am feeling much more positive this week and part of that is thanks to you.

 

Love and hugs x

[B_Link]

Hello.

From Ammy's comment it seems like you've been here for a while. You've posted on peoples threads. It seems like you like helping people feel better. I'm really sorry you feel the way you do. I don't know what I can say to make you feel better, but if you want I can be your friend. I'd like that. Lonelyness is horrible. I hope that you find someone caring enough to make you feel special, and I hope that you find someone that makes you realize that you aren't worthless. You are a person, from what I know a good person, and someone recognizes that. I do. There are people here that already know you or have read your posts. You exist, and your existence can be a good thing to you. Find a way to enjoy life: a friend, something you love, food. I truly hope you find joy in your life soon. : )

[1MoreChance]

just to let you guys now I read your replies. why do you care??? what keeps us going? I went into the kitchen and saw my littel kitten use the cat litter for his first time, He just got home and I showed him the litter and he just knew. He looked all grown up doing his little pipi all nicely in the litter box, yet he is tiny. it was just so adorable and I asked myself, what keeps us going inspite of all this pain?

[B_Link]

Well, what's the point of not continuing? Life is meant to be lived. There is a lot to enjoy, even if you don't know it yet. Most people have people that love them. Your cat probably loves you. There's people here that would love you if they knew you and who you are. Just life keeps people going. It's real, it's there. I'd hug you if I were with you and your friend, just to let you know.

[B_Link]

That smily is kinda creepy... (sorry) : )

[Ammy]

just to let you guys now I read your replies. why do you care??? what keeps us going? I went into the kitchen and saw my littel kitten use the cat litter for his first time, He just got home and I showed him the litter and he just knew. He looked all grown up doing his little pipi all nicely in the litter box, yet he is tiny. it was just so adorable and I asked myself, what keeps us going inspite of all this pain?

 

Little things like just that - seeing your kitten and his adorableness and ability to learn and respond to thing - those are the moments that make it worth it. For me, it's looking into my dog's eyes, watching him learn new tricks with me, my cat purring in my lap, their beautiful smiley faces when they see me... Those are some of the things that keep me going.. among others...

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now, but know that what goes down will come back up again - based on past experience, that is always what happens.

 

Ammy x

[1MoreChance]

thanks a lot. it's true what you re saying. I just don,t know how to help myself. am I normal? where do I start to define myself as having a 'mental health probelm' and where do I satrt to define myself as just a human being looking for her own truth and inner peace? tomorrow I'm gonna get a diagnosis and it scares the crap out of me , I feel like such a failure for not being able to help myslef. now again got myself in the position of being totally vulnerable at the hands of my family (particularly to their judgement - and advice that really doesn't help me much). I feel really vulnerable.

[Ammy]

thanks a lot. it's true what you re saying. I just don,t know how to help myself. am I normal? where do I start to define myself as having a 'mental health probelm' and where do I satrt to define myself as just a human being looking for her own truth and inner peace? tomorrow I'm gonna get a diagnosis and it scares the crap out of me , I feel like such a failure for not being able to help myslef. now again got myself in the position of being totally vulnerable at the hands of my family (particularly to their judgement - and advice that really doesn't help me much). I feel really vulnerable.

 

You are not a failure... You are helping yourself - you're reaching out for support - both here and with professionals and family - these things take time. You had some amazing advice for me about seeking help and what to try... and you're doing those very things - therefore you are not weak, you are strong. Seeking help, acknowleding there is a problem, those are strengths and signs of a tenacious person - someone who is struggling with a mental health issue, but persevering in the face of adversity... I truly believe that about you.. I see your empathy and kindness from the way you interact on here, and the very way you discussed your pets. You are a good person who is struggling with someone that was outside of your control. What is in your control is your ability to seek out help and support and you're doing that.

 

Sorry for repeating myself, but I hope it makes sense. The other day you offered me light, hope and support and for that I am truly appreciative - it shows me what a wonderful person you really are, and I hope you will see that too.

 

Ammy xox

[No One]

Hello fellow-person-like-me-is-really-young (39)!

 

Boy, maybe you shouldn't define yourself as "a mental health problem", rather, maybe as a good person working through a mental health problem/illness.

 

My advice would be for you to move-on into new directions in life. u r young and capable. While u can. ignore death (it'll find u 1 day), focus on finding meaning while alive.

 

why do i care? maybe u can be happy...