Honey610 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I saw the ex yesterday. I wanted to make amends with him so I invited him over for lunch. It was a bit awkward. We ended up getting high. While high, we ended up eating which was great cause he really liked the food. After eating, it was pretty quiet; just making light conversation here and there. And at one point he asked me what I feel like so I was like huh? He was like do you want food? I was like no not that. Then he was like something to drink? I was like no, don't want that. Then 10 minutes later, out of nowhere I said I want sex. It wasn't deliberate it just came out of my mouth. Then I quickly said, "I just meant in general, I'm not asking you for any" and he didn't say anything. That left me feeling kinda dumb. lol Anyway, time went on and we're still high. He was talking about something and I interrupted him asking, " Why didn't you say anything when I mentioned sex?" He said that he feels that maybe things got weird between him and I because we had sex before so he didn't think it was a good idea. Even though I never asked him for sex! lol So I told him things didn't get weird because of the sex, it was just weird because I was over analyzing things. But I told him I understood. I wasn't saying much after that. I think he felt bad cause he kept trying to make chit chat and at times I wasn't responding. I finally accepted us as friends and it seems like no matter what I do, I'm in the wrong or I'm over analyzing things (well he thinks I'm over analyzing things). And anytime I mention anything about someone else's relationship or one of my friends getting engaged I can tell it makes him uncomfortable, even though I never even mentioned anything about him and I. I guess right now he's just sensitive to the whole dating concept right now. Oh and at one point, I asked him " Why do you hang out with me? Is it because I'm entertaining?". I said it as a kind of joke to which he responded, " You think too hard about things. Just relax. I shouldn't even have to give you answer for that". So I was like okay...... apparently I can't even ask him a question without it being taken out of context. Right now, I feel like I've been putting in a lot of the effort to show I care and I'm not receiving anything back. So I've decided to go to NC. I won't be contacting him anymore I'm just drained from this whole thing. I can't seem to say or do anything right at this point. Not that I won't talk to him if he calls me but I won't be calling or texting him anymore. I think I've made things too easy for him. So I'm just going to stop. Ugh, I don't understand why I care and he doesn't? This sucks... Thoughts? Link to comment
AlwayzRight Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 No offense, but I think I am now dumber after reading the first 2 paragraphs. Link to comment
Honey610 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 What do you mean you're now dumber? Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Can you re-write this when your not high? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Is this the new way to get back together, "Get high, and let's have sex"? What a prize package that is! Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I think you're right, he doesn't care. Link to comment
Honey610 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Okay why not just ask me to re-write it without the rude comments? No I'm not high and no I wasn't trying to get back with him by getting high and having sex... I wasn't even trying to have sex with him. Link to comment
Singler Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 look most of us did the sex with the ex thing, it hurts when it does not bring back the sex. but sex does not make a relationship, it is the fact of 2 people wanting to be together, etc. Best thing to do is go NC for yourself, do not answer his calls, they are probably bootycalls and just gain power and dignity, realize the mistakes that were made. Believe in yourself, be strong and do NC. Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Let's get away from the comments about being high- whatever substance you were on, it does alter your brain... no matter what pro-whatever advocate is out there. You do need to step back from this.. a lot of females I see on this board as of late have been trying with their exes and getting friendzoned or being called up for bootay calls. Why? The ex knows that you want them back, and they know that you will do anything to keep them around. I don't buy the " I accept that we are just friends" line... no matter who it is. Once you cross that line, there is a romantic past... simple. You have feelings for him and really you should stop controlling the situation and listen to what he is trying to tell you, rather than what you have made up in your mind. Just step back and don't let him control your emotions so much. Link to comment
Honey610 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Thank you for the comments. Singler, the sex happened when we hung out before and he didn't ask me for it, it just kind of happened. But I agree, the sex needs to be taken out of the equation and it has. Doiiiieeezie, I agree I should stop trying to control the situation. I have lost all hope concerning him which is why I decided to do NC. I'm emotionally exhausted... I understand him and I have had some misunderstandings but looking at the bigger picture, we're not friends. I've been his friend and he hasn't been mine... so what's the point? I care about him as a person but I'm so sick of always being the one to mend ties... Link to comment
SparklyBoots Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Heya, I think you are right to take a bit of time away from this guy and spend some 'you' time without contact. I don't jump on the NC bandwagon all the time but sometimes it is necessary to do to get things in perpective for yourself. If you think about other friends in your life, do you need to make so much effort - would you keep giving so much and getting so little in return? Is it worth all the emotional turmoil it is putting you through? Been there recently myself (sex with the ex and him wanting to stay friends but wanting to sh** around, but not with me again LOL...) and it does suck, but only as much as we let it get to us. Look after yourself first and foremost. Cyber hugs.... Link to comment
bronte Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I agree that you're making a good decision in not contacting him for a while...And as other posters have said, if you had a friend where you constantly felt like, "Why do they not seem to care? Why do they not feel the same way that I do about them?" you'd distance yourself from that person, not keep trying to keep the friendship going. Maybe you guys can be friends somewhere down the road, but it sounds like it's still too soon. Link to comment
Honey610 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Lilac- Thank you for the response. Yea definitely taking time out from this situation. I have to admit, my hopes were high when him and I first started communicating again but now those hopes are completely gone. We have a concert in a month and I don't know if I'll end up going... *Cyber Hugs* back at you Bronte- Thank you too. After thinking about it this morning, I just felt like I was getting the short end of the stick. You're right; with my friends, I make effort but its usually two sided and in this case, it hasn't been that way. For whatever reason, he just doesn't seem to care so there's no need for me to do the same. He did tell me yesterday that he's slowing down on dating a lot cause he doesn't feel like seeing anyone. Maybe one day he'll see that I truly care about him and it wasn't just for my own selfish reasons; but rather genuine reasons which he doesn't seem to realize at this time. Link to comment
Hobbes Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Is this the new way to get back together, "Get high, and let's have sex"? What a prize package that is! lmfao, ah man thanks for that. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 I think sometimes when we're in a situation like that we just say F it and throw stuff out there to see how it falls. It's like a test. Usually they fail but trust me, you aren't the only one saying stuff like that to the ex to see what he'll say in return. Link to comment
Honey610 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 Yea that makes sense LillyLoo. I was unintentionally testing his feelings for me if any. I tend to do that. I'm not the most patient person when it comes to relationships and he keeps reminding me over and over to not expect anything, relax, not to plan things cause you don't have control over them... and I'm learning that slowly but surely. It's difficult though cause I want to know if he has feelings for me, and he may or may not, but me pushing him is not helping the cause. Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 As you know I've been following your tale the entire time. I think you gave it your best shot for now. You really tried hard to be his friend. I agree you pushed a little too much at times, but hey, that's what we do! It's so difficult not to. I'm not really into the NC dogma. I do think stepping back some is a good idea though. One sided friendships/relationships are the pits and just drag us down. ((hugs)) Hope you're okay Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 I think the problem that we have really comes down to patience. If you decide to be in contact with your ex and they are not in another relationship (otherwise this won't work), then I think it is possible to get back together. I think the friend route can actually work; however, this means hearing a lot of things from the ex that are painful to hear, such as "this doesn't mean we're back together" or "don't expect anything just because we're seeing each other sometimes". I think most of us hear these kinds of things and just can't take it. I mean, I couldn't take it and now I am in NC forever. I think when the ex says those things they are trying to make sure that they will not be pulled back in when they are not ready and that they are clear about that with us. I think if we can just be like "sure, no problem" or something really casual in response to these proclamations they make, we are in a better position to get them back at some point in the future. I know that when I was in contact with my ex, we were having a lot of fun together and I think he started to remember why he liked me to begin with, but then he made all the "don't fence me in" proclamations and I wasn't strong enough emotionally to be able to hear them and stick with the original plan. I crumbled and I think this is what he expected to happen. Had I been much more like "whatever" when he said stuff like that, I think we might have had a chance. But I didn't have PATIENCE. uugh. I thought I did but I think the amount of patience that you really need to pull this off is more than most of us can handle. Because it seems all these exs getting in contact with their dumpees means something. I don't know if our exs even know what it means but subconsciously there is a connection that they don't want to let go. It is really such a dance because we don't want to become FWBs. I wish I had the smarts and ability to actually do this dance. I guess we can't fault ourselves for not being able to do this because it is really hard with no knowing if it will even work. Anyway, just saying... Link to comment
Honey610 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 Thank you Jonas You're so sweet *Hugz* back to you too! That's what I'm doing... stepping back and I'm already feeling better. Thank you for your insight LillyWho. It really gave me some perspective. I have to work on this patience thing and I'm pretty good most of the time; like I don't really call him and if I do its after a week and half or two weeks, or if he's late for something I'm like no problem take your time... its just when I talk to him, I just want to know how he feels. lol But right now he is very confused; he's told me he's probably the loneliest he's ever felt but he thinks its necessary for him to date (well he said this about a month ago) and now he's saying he's stepping back from dating altogether. And he's not really going out anymore. Also, it seems the other girls he's hanging out with (who he's friends with or even dating) are letting him down so now he seems to be in the self reflection mode. I just need to let him be... and I am now, cause I won't be contacting him. Thank you for your thoughts again! Good or bad they have helped Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Dont beat yourself up because you want to know what he's thinking. We ALL want to know what the ex is thinking. Like I said before a lot of people throw stuff out there to see how it lands. It's normal. I need to work on my patience too. I am such a direct person that I hate all this stuff. I just want to say, let's try again, but that will not work so I have to accept we are over and just do my best to move on. Maybe for the next time, I will be able to do this dance if I ever need to. This past relationship is done for so onto the next victim! Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Lily is so right. It's all about patience. I had my ex actually kinda talking to me a month or so ago. Light chit chat, not much back and forth. Of course I went nuts and jumped 15steps ahead and pushed her away. It's natural when it becomes one sided and not what we want or have come to expect from a SO - who is now 'friend'. Funny thing is, I'm the most patient person in the world! lol One thing (of many /brag) she was always amazed at, and low and behold that disappears and I become crazy 'gotta have it all done now' guy. I think most of us do that. Kinda sucks. I think you have the right idea now. Who knows, he sounds pretty confused. It sounds like you are okay with things and are going to be more patient. I'm glad to hear that. The future isn't written, so live the now and see what happens! Link to comment
Lavender25 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 what did you do? Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Jonas, I think it's natural to hold on tighter when we think we're losing something (or someone). I wish it worked but eh, not so much. I think I am patient too but the kind of patience you need in this kind of situation is huge, beyond what most of us can do. Hindsight is 20/20. It is easy to see where we made our mistakes when we look back. Boy I wish I had that clarity all the time. Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 what did you do? lol You would ask that. Well from idle chit chat emails and such, I couldn't take it and went right to the usual 'let's get back blah, blah, blah'. A very nice email actually, but not what she wanted to hear then. No way, no how. Dead silence since basically. One very guarded email a few weeks ago. She learns well, danged smart girls! Anyhoo, I learned my lesson. Back to Mr Patience. Link to comment
SparklyBoots Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 I thought I had the patience thing down too - four months since I had seen the ex - got on with my own life, doing quite well and wham, one stupid night together and I was in there asking what he wanted! Stupid stupid head! And a guaranteed way to push him away completely..although he still wants to be friends, after that! BUT it is a bit soul destroying having to wait, and wait and hang in there - and it is a hard game to play. I would like to thank everyone one on here for their insights as it has helped me too! Some folk though will never come around though no matter how much patience you have... It is still a while to the concert Honey and who knows how you will feel by then. All I can say is if you can keep NC for a bit to get your head sorted, if you do get back in touch you really really gotta hold back from the pushing and questioning...massive task, but it will throw him off kilter as this is what he expects from you, you gotta surprise him by holding back and acting in a 'whatever' kinda way. Massively hard to pull off though... Link to comment
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