Rican's Journal

[rican4u2002]

Sept 24th, 2009

 

8:38am EST

 

This morning was a bit rough. I didn't get much sleep when I got home last night. A lot of things on my mind, and still are on my mind. *sighs* Just confused about a lot of things, on top of my illness. That is hard enough, but when it comes to matters of the heart, that's when things get even more difficult. That'll be another rant shortly.

 

Last night I was out with my two best friends and their "guys" making me the 5th wheel. That was loads *insert sarcasm here* Aside from that, apparently one of them is getting engaged. Her and her guy looked at rings last night at the mall. The only problem is, well to me, is that this is her first guy relationship ever since she was a lesbian before and they've only been together for 2 months. She was telling me about the wedding, and to be honest I was shocked that she wants me in it.

 

The funny thing is, neither one of them know about my illness. I've been keeping it on the down low, except with family of course and my one very close friend. Eventually I will tell them, but for now I just need to get my head around it still.

 

Aside from that, I did have a good time. It was nice to finally meet their guys, since they wanted my approval of them. I did, though I do feel a bit odd with one of the guys. I don't know why but something is off about him. Maybe cause I don't know him that well but that's how I feel.

[rican4u2002]

Matters of the heart

 

I have talked to one person about this, but the more I think on it, the more I need to just spill my heart out in a way. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man who lives in Australia. Now he and I have been friends for awhile but we had a more brotherly/sisterly love than anything for each other. We met online in a game and we instantly clicked. Long story short, things happened that caused me to leave the game but we kept in touch via e-mail and that's when things changed for both of us. Now I didn't know he felt the same way about me, so I figured we were just friends and nothing more so I moved on.

 

Enter my new friend Jake. Now he and I met online as well but he's local, about 30 mins away from where I live so as soon as we talked we met. It was for intimacy purposes, but the friendship came after. Through the summer, he and I often saw each other, hung out and what not. We grew closer over the summer, but I still had my friendship with my fiancee.

 

Now I did develop some feelings for Jake, but after talking with him and knowing he is scared to be in a relationship and doesn't want one I knew it wouldn't happen with us so I just settled for our friendship with the occasional intimacy.

 

Now in August, everything changed. My doctors had found a tumor in my stomach, that did turn out to be cancerous. And of course being scared, I confided in my friend in person and his reaction pretty much made my feelings for him start to come back. He held me all night and honestly I couldn't ask for anything more from him. Since then I've noticed he's been more affectionate with me than usual, which was nice but again no relationship factor for us.

 

After the tumor was removed and everything, I thought I was safe until they had said it spread to my pancreas. (There is a thread about that and what not) So now, I am battling pancreatic cancer which does suck horribly. But because of that, I had(have) a new outlook on life. And it was then that I went back to the game me and my fiancee(Friend then) had played and sought him out basically. Long story short, I wrote a poem for him telling him how I felt, not really thinking he felt the same.

 

Little did I know he did feel the same, and he came and found me and pretty much poured his heart out to me. So since I wasn't going to get it from Jake, I went with my now fiancee.

 

Well since then, no feelings have came up for Jake at all and I told my boyfriend(now fiancee) about my illness and he immediately proposed to me even though he's in Australia. Of course I love him and so I say yes. Now things were rocky at first(my first thread here is about him) and now we're more than happy.

 

But now for some reason, my feelings for Jake are starting to come back again. I don't know why, nor do I know why they are strong for him. I wouldn't cheat on my fiancee at all no way. And if anything were to ever come out of me and Jake, I would immediately tell my fiancee and break it off to not hurt him. But at the same time, I'm wondering if it is because I am sick and dying that this is happening, and if so it's like should I even take that chance of just telling him how i feel and see what he says or just hope it goes away and not ruin our friendship we have.

 

I know I should be focusing on getting better, but right now these are the thoughts and questions that plague my mind and it sucks horribly

[rican4u2002]

My Illness

 

Well since I have written about everything, I suppose I should write about what I'm going through. To be honest...it's kind of...I don't want to say weird but it's just....it just is. I've tried to sort through my feelings about it, and yeah at first I couldn't believe that this was happening to me, and then of course I was angry. You know, I went through all the steps of acceptance or whatever its called but now I'm just....I guess I'm just used to the idea of possibly not surviving.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I do have hope and I am fighting this 100% but I used to be suicidal, so the thought of dying and death it isn't anything new to me. So in a way, part of me is okay with dying if that is what will happen. Now I have things to live for. My family, my friends, my fiancee so of course I will be fighting this tooth and nail. But the reality that no one wants to hear is that I am okay with the possibility of dying...I really am.

[rican4u2002]

Friday, Sep 25, 2009

 

9:25pm EST

 

Well I made it through my hell quiz week. And now the weekend is here. Unfortunately I have to go into the hospital tomorrow morning which will not be fun

 

Aside from that, things are going....alright. I mean pretty much I have been getting sh*tted on by people in real life which sucks horribly but I'm moving through it.

 

The fiancee and I are doing well. Though I went through my paranoia phase and asked if he was messing around. He said no so I trust him.

 

As for my illness well I'm suffering from a respiratory infection so that's not really all that fun. *sigh* Well I don't really have much more to update, Oh! I haven't been in pain today which is good. A little winded but nothing too big