Sexual Abuse as a child causing problems in my marriage ... :(

[WWright502]

Hi, I have been looking for a forum of some sort to be able to communicate with other victims of sexual abuse. When I was 3 my mothers husband ( i refuse to call him my step-dad) began sexually abusing me. My mom worked the ngiht shift so he was always there. I remember the details the first time he ever touched me.. when I was 3. He continued to abuse me all the way until I was 14 ... he tried after that but I would never let it happen, so he then started on my sister which was his biological daughter (sick, i know). When I was a Junior in high school i told my band director who then led my sister & I to talk with the detectives. We never went home after that. My Mom came to the school and we told the detectives & her everything that he had done. When we finished with the detectives they told us that we were going to stay in a safe-house, I hated those cause we were in and out of them my whole life cause he beat my mom. So the detectives & the police took us to our house to get our clothes, my mothers husband was enraged! But I knew I couldnt let this contiue to happen. Months went by .. months filled with TONS & Tons of talking with more detectives & telling & writing our story. it was very hard to do, especially as a teenager. He took several lie detector test to which he passed because he was on medicane for Depression & Bi-Polar issues. I dont think he even cared or thougth he was doing wrong.Anyways after about 6 months of hell with all of the detectives & police & the child advocacy centers.. The DHR lady then tells us that we WAITED TO LONG to report any of the abuse!!!!!!! I was devastated! He gets to walk the streets everyday like nothing ever happened while I am stuck in the world so confused and hurt. I am an emotional wreck ... still. I dont feel like it was very fair that we got told we waited too long when i was molested for 11 years!!

 

I am married now and 23. My husband was with me throught the whole ordeal with DHR. I was very up-front with him and he stood by me. now that were married it is hard tho because he doesnt understand really everything like he says. I do not like being Intimate, it is very hard for me. i know it is bad for him & i really really try to be intimate with him but i just get these horrible feelings and I lose focus. I love him and i truly want to make him happy. I dont know if i ever will be able to be intimate with him like he wants... is there anyone out there who can relate?? I feel like i am on my own here in this mixed up world.... thanks

[pumpkinmoon]

I am extremely sorry this has happened to you. I can't even begin to imagine what this must have been like.

 

I really don't understand how they can say that you waited too long to report it. The way I read it is that the abuse was still going on with your sister when the report was filed. Is there someone else you could go to about this to get a conviction?

 

I strongly suggest that you seek professional help for the years of past abuse that you were subjected to.

 

Once again, I am very sorry.

[WWright502]

I thank you for your concerns, just want you to know i am not looking for pity tho. I have forgiven him because I am a Christian but i am a long way away from forgetting. I have come to terms with everything and i dont have to see him anymore so that helps too. i do need professional help but I cannot afford it at the moment. I do believe he should get something for all the years of HELL he put me & my sis through.. but I have come to the conclusion that obvisouly no one believes us. God does and he knows everything that happened, he will be the only one to ever judge him that matters ya know...

 

O I forgot to throw this little detail in there. His parents refused to believe us, they dis-owned their own grand-daughter (my sister) because they believed we were making stuff up. It took about years til they finally grasped that we werent lying! He MARRIED a 20 year old!!! they actually just found my sister about a month ago & came and appoigized to her for not believing us, but it was too late. My sister doesnt want anything to do with them anymore

[Darato]

First of all I am truly sorry that this happened to you. I myself a victim of sexual abuse and it is a hard thing to be dealt with, even more so when like you said your husband doesn't fully understand.

 

Since you found your sister talking with her might be a big help.

 

 

 

If you'd like I can you my e-mail if you ever need someone to talk with.

 

L.F.D.

[Jetta]

I've been sexually abused but nothing like that, mine was by a neighborhood boy and two others attempted to abuse me but I prayed and God answered, one changed his mind when he saw I didn't have pubic hair and talked the other out of it.

 

Anyway it was difficult for me to open up sexually in loving way, but with time all things heal, I had a very conscious husband, who wouldn't force me to have sex with him, unlike my first husband. He'd even stop in the middle of the act if I told him I needed him to. That built up my trust and has allowed me to partially release the pain of the past. I was 7 when my incident happened and that was simply too young, I do have another incident around age 3 but that wasn't intercourse, it was again was a boy who was slightly older.

 

I'm sorry something so horrible happened to you. I can relate somewhat to the pain it causes, but mine were never father figures, I had a wonderful father that abhorred stories of incest.

 

Try therapy, couple therapy, maybe if you can get your husband to understand somehow it'll help you to open up to him. I'm now divorced, but he was a good guy as far as sex went.

[doityourself]

Im also a victim of sexual abuse by my father and then again by an uncle. It started to both me and my sisters young and went on for years. Im sorry that this happened to you, and thats not pity its the knowing of what you are going through.

 

Im now 32, and I have still not come to the point of forgetting or forgiving for that matter. What happened to us was not fair, nor did we ask for it so I cant forgive something that was so hurtful when the person that was doing it was supose to be my safety net. How selfish of a person to put a child through that.

 

As for how to be in a relationship, Ive been married for 15 years, yes the sex does still bother me sometimes, not always. Certain touches and smells it what does it to me. My husband if fully aware of what I went through and completely understands. I am able to have a great sexual relationship with my husband.

 

I am very open about the way my life was when I was younger, I feel that not enough people get out there and talk about it. If you ever want to talk I will PM you my email adddress, also check your local website there usually are support groups around everywhere.

[Harleyshine]

I am now 17 years of age as of about four days ago, and was abused at the age of 14, every day, for eleven months straight. I had also been raped several times by the same boy. He was my boyfriend, and it was obviously a very abusive relationship.

 

Right now I have currently had a very understanding, gentle, caring boy for a year, and he's helped me break the barriers I had that held me back from being intimate. However, I can relate to the difficulty in it because sometimes certain sexual activities, or after certain sexual activities occur, I can get horrible feelings, or flashbacks. Sometimes I have to stop, or I start crying. It effects me every day of my life.

[Tefferjo]

I was 16 when family friend who was 28 started flirting with me. He was a 2 time sex offender, but claimed he had turned his ife around. My family all took him in with my father mentoring him an such... as time went on he flirted and I did enjoy, but I thought it was innocent flrting. The day before my 17th birthday I woke up with this man n my bedroom. my dad was working overtime and my mother was on a ladies retreat with the church. He had stolen the house key made a copy and waited till everyone was gone and came in the house. I woke up to him kissing me and I just layed there, scared and nervous. He contiued to fondle me until he succeeded in raping me. When he was done he left a bible track on the dresser and told me I needed t pray about what I had done. I felt as though I did do something wrong. I told the next day and the polce were involved and everthing. As time went on I thought I would get better and I could beat this.... a year ago I had a relationship with a 45 year old I was 20. I thought he really loved me and when I tried ending it, he turned very aggresive. I hav been dealing with that for the

past year.... I am now married to a wonderful man I am 22 and he is 27 I couldn't ask God to bless me any more. Except it really effects our marriage. I am used to men being rough and extreemly Horny... When my husband wants to cuddle I think he wants to Have sex. He is completely aware of my past and is very understanding, but I hate that I" cant just allow a man to just love holding me in an appropriate way. I just wanted to know if anyone else understands what I am going through?....