Am I selfish?

[hexaemeron]

I've seen so many threads here about relationship bed death and how selfish one person is for not making the effort to at least try to satisfy his/her partner.

 

My bf of almost four years and I are in relationship counseling and I know his biggest (or right up there in the top 3) issues with me is that I have absolutely no interest in sex with him whatsoever. I've talked about the various reasons for this in previous threads, but the short version is:

 

1.) Sex and love aren't connected for me and never have been

2.) Like a lot of aspies, I have delayed ejaculation problems and he tried to put me on an orgasm scorecard of "You have to cum this many times if I do"

3.) He didn't work for three years and I financially supported us, which, combined with other stressors in my life, really compromise my quality of life

4.) He put on a considerable amount of weight. (60-80lbs at my best guess)

 

Now, he's been working since December and is making efforts with major dietary and activity changes. For the most part, he and I are in a much different, better place. But I have no desire to be with him sexually. And, when he tells me that he wants to make me feel good and share intimacy... it doesn't really change how I feel... though I freely admit it probably should.

 

Am I a bad boyfriend? Am I selfish? Is this something that really can be worked on, or can we not put Humpty Dumpty back together again?

[waveseer]

I find that once I am no longer attracted it rarely comes back and if it does it's usually fleeting.

[Scorpion Fury]

For me, to genuinely be "in love" with someone, I have to find them attractive and actually want to be intimate with them.

[hexaemeron]

I guess for me, it wouldn't be relaxing. It wouldn't be intimate for me. It'd be yet another chore or responsibility after a laundry list of chores and responsibilities I didn't ask for over the past 4 years.

 

I mean, I don't think I could even get to a place to relax enough to remotely enjoy myself today, even if I were interested. And I know how bad that sounds.

[waveseer]

You are hanging on to resentments over bearing more than your share of the burden in this relationship. You need to deal with those regardless of anything else.

[DN]

Is this something that really can be worked on, or can we not put Humpty Dumpty back together again?

It doesn't seem likely, does it? That doesn't make you a bad boyfriend or selfish necessarily. But it would if you are not fully engaging in the relationship but giving him hope that you will at some point in the future, while knowing that the chances of that are slim to none.

[hexaemeron]

You are hanging on to resentments over bearing more than your share of the burden in this relationship. You need to deal with those regardless of anything else.

 

I agree, and that's one of the main reasons I agreed to go to relationship counseling. I don't know how to reconcile my feelings without having to come to the conclusion that I am a fool. And I'd rather be angry than a fool.

[hexaemeron]

It doesn't seem likely, does it? That doesn't make you a bad boyfriend or selfish necessarily. But it would if you are not fully engaging in the relationship but giving him hope that you will at some point in the future, while knowing that the chances of that are slim to none.

 

Thanks, DN. I appreciate your input. He knows where I stand and how I feel, but I have... gaps in what emotionally can happen in life and relationships sometimes. So I'm trying to keep an open mind, but it doesn't SEEM likely to be able to be fixed by my lights.

[itsallgrand]

Do you love him? (I know it's an obvious question. But you haven't said.)

[waveseer]

I agree, and that's one of the main reasons I agreed to go to relationship counseling. I don't know how to reconcile my feelings without having to come to the conclusion that I am a fool. And I'd rather be angry than a fool.

 

Everybody plays the fool, sometime, no exception to the rule.

[DN]

Well, perhaps then, you need to try to discover if this disconnect is only from within you because of your 'condition', or has only been triggered by his issues, or if it is both. The easy response would be both but you need to examine that carefully.

 

If it is your issues alone - you might get some help for that. Worth trying although I imagine you have had attempts at that in the past.

 

If it is his issues that triggered your response, the relationship is more likely salvageable providing he fixes them.

 

If it is both - that is even more tricky because you have work to do separately and together and that gets complicated.

[hexaemeron]

Do you love him? (I know it's an obvious question. But you haven't said.)

 

 

I do. I want him to thrive and be happy. I want him to have a beautiful life and to smile and enjoy everything he can.

 

There are times I can see it with me, and there are other (more) times that I feel I gave up too much and I want to go into the world and find my own way again.

[hexaemeron]

Everybody plays the fool, sometime, no exception to the rule.

 

Yes, but after these 3 years of supporting someone financially and them gaining weight and growing to hate me, I had another bf that went for three years that didn't work and gained weight and grew to hate me.

 

I'm tired of being a fool. I'm tired of being the only adult who doesn't ever fall down.

[waveseer]

I do. I want him to thrive and be happy. I want him to have a beautiful life and to smile and enjoy everything he can.

 

There are times I can see it with me, and there are other (more) times that I feel I gave up too much and I want to go into the world and find my own way again.

 

Do you like him? I don't mean at this very moment, I mean for who he is.

[hexaemeron]

Well, perhaps then, you need to try to discover if this disconnect is only from within you because of your 'condition', or has only been triggered by his issues, or if it is both. The easy response would be both but you need to examine that carefully.

 

If it is your issues alone - you might get some help for that. Worth trying although I imagine you have had attempts at that in the past.

 

If it is his issues that triggered your response, the relationship is more likely salvageable providing he fixes them.

 

If it is both - that is even more tricky because you have work to do separately and together and that gets complicated.

 

 

It's both. I'm an aspie and he's ADHD, so he likes to pick fights and obsess over emotional details on everything, which makes me want to ram nails into my temples because I don't deal well with communication or emotion in a general sense.

 

We both admit it and acknowledge our individual and shared faults and we're working on them, but it's really difficult to see the forest for the trees sometimes.

[waveseer]

Yes, but after these 3 years of supporting someone financially and them gaining weight and growing to hate me, I had another bf that went for three years that didn't work and gained weight and grew to hate me.

 

I'm tired of being a fool. I'm tired of being the only adult who doesn't ever fall down.

 

I think you are done.

[hexaemeron]

Do you like him? I don't mean at this very moment, I mean for who he is.

 

That's a difficult question to answer. There are aspects of his personality that I find very noble. I have an extreme respect for his ability to communicate (when he chooses to do so in a not crappy way), his intellect and his sensitivity.

 

But it's wrapped in with a lot of spoiled things too. He's never had to make it on his own or stand on his own two feet. He's really aggressive and belligerant a lot of the time and it's not just with me, it's with everyone... and for as sensitive as he is, he's not above taking a swing at you if he's upset enough.

 

So it's a mixed bag.

[waveseer]

That's a difficult question to answer. There are aspects of his personality that I find very noble. I have an extreme respect for his ability to communicate (when he chooses to do so in a not crappy way), his intellect and his sensitivity.

 

But it's wrapped in with a lot of spoiled things too. He's never had to make it on his own or stand on his own two feet. He's really aggressive and belligerant a lot of the time and it's not just with me, it's with everyone... and for as sensitive as he is, he's not above taking a swing at you if he's upset enough.

 

So it's a mixed bag.

 

Would you befriend him if you were strangers and he exhibited the same behaviors?

[hexaemeron]

Would you befriend him if you were strangers and he exhibited the same behaviors?

 

I probably would. He's fun to hang with and he does have a wicked sense of humor.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, but after these 3 years of supporting someone financially and them gaining weight and growing to hate me, I had another bf that went for three years that didn't work and gained weight and grew to hate me.

 

I'm tired of being a fool. I'm tired of being the only adult who doesn't ever fall down.

 

It does sound like you might have a pattern of being a "parent" with partners who somewhat take on the roles of "kid".

 

That doesn't make you a fool. It sounds like something very important to look at in yourself tho - - no matter if this particular relationship continues or not.

 

Let me guess. You had to take care of yourself starting real early. tc.

[waveseer]

I probably would. He's fun to hang with and he does have a wicked sense of humor.

 

Would you want to live with him?

[hexaemeron]

It does sound like you might have a pattern of being a "parent" with partners who somewhat take on the roles of "kid".

 

That doesn't make you a fool. It sounds like something very important to look at in yourself tho - - no matter if this particular relationship continues or not.

 

Let me guess. You had to take care of yourself starting real early. tc.

 

Yeah, my parents did the best they could, but past the age of 9 or 10 they couldn't really help me with anything schoolwise, so I just learned to depend on myself. Figuring out I was gay (and ultimately also an aspie)... I couldn't really talk to anyone about how or why I felt I was different so I just learned to handle everything myself. No matter what happens, I don't crumble and I find a way around or through whatever problem there is.

 

It makes me a great asset to have, but probably a not so stellar boyfriend because I don't really need anyone. And I've heard this from bfs before. "You'd be just fine if I were gone tomorrow because you're so good at taking care of yourself and you know you'd be okay"

 

And it's true.

[hexaemeron]

Would you want to live with him?

 

No, probably not. But that's not all his fault. When he was neat, I was messy. When I was neat, he was messy. And I really would like the idea of living alone again should I be single so that I wouldn't have to compromise on what to eat, when to go to bed, etc.

[waveseer]

No, probably not. But that's not all his fault. When he was neat, I was messy. When I was neat, he was messy. And I really would like the idea of living alone again should I be single so that I wouldn't have to compromise on what to eat, when to go to bed, etc.

 

I meant if you didn't know all that and you had befriended him. Does his personality apart from everything that's happened since still make you want to live with him?

[hexaemeron]

I meant if you didn't know all that and you had befriended him. Does his personality apart from everything that's happened since still make you want to live with him?

 

I don't know that I can answer that. I'd probably want to live alone just because I can financially afford to now, and I like having my space and peace.