Is this normal?

[fiishh]

My girlfriend said to me yesterday, after I brought up the subject, that if I died she knows that she could love someone else in the same way as she loves me, is this a normal thing to feel when you want to be with someone forever? I just don't understand it at all, I can't imagine ever loving anyone else, especially not in the same way I love her and it hurts me a lot that she can even imagine it, especially when she has said in the past that she could never want anyone else.

 

I know it would be normal to love again, but is it really normal to love in the exact same way, and is it possible for this to not hurt me, since her saying that she could love someone in the same way as she loves me makes me feel very un-special and like she could love someone even when I'm alive. Thank you for any advice you give

[thetruth]

well she probably wouldn't love in exactly the same way , but for her to feel it's possible isn't that abnormal. some people just look at the world differently than romantics do.

 

it doesn't diminish in any way how she feels about you right now, so that's all you need to keep in mind. it's only a philosophical difference, and doesn't really mean much.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

These are subjects that should not even be brought up. Even if the partner says "I can never love anyone the same way"..it is all irrelevant, because the real proof is when the death actually occurs..then it is no longer just talk..others will see exactly what the actions are. Take Paul McCartney...Linda McCartney was supposedly the love of his life. Didn't take him long after her death to marry Heather Mills..and the minute that relationship was over he is set to marry someone else. In love with the notion of being in love and not wanting to be alone.

[itsallgrand]

It was simply really tactless of her. Normal? I wouldn't read too much into what she is actually saying, it could be how she words things but when push comes to shove: what matters is how she is actually is day to day, how she loves you and her character.

 

I agree tho, why talk about it? I don't think I ever had that discussion: even when I was engaged. Speaking specifically of that relationship; I wouldn't have asked because he was truthful and also blunt to an almost fault, and I'd had my feelings unnecessarily hurt by asking questions like that before. But that honesty and how he loved me were all part of why I loved him so much, and I know he had a lot of love for me.

 

I remember one time I asked "will you love me forever?" kind of as a playful question, and I got back "well, I can't say that I will, I can only say I love you now and don't see that changing any time soon." lol!

 

Get what I'm saying?

[thetruth]

I remember one time I asked "will you love me forever?" kind of as a playful question, and I got back "well, I can't say that I will, I can only say I love you now and don't see that changing any time soon." lol!

see that's exactly how i think, how i look at the world. I agree on a philosophical level with exactly that type of logic.

 

but i also get romantic, and in the middle of a relationship find it easy to get lost in "forever"s, and "perfect"s. that's the best part, imo.

[_Asti_]

My guy and I have talked about this subject.

We both know if something happened, we would eventually move on and most likely find someone else.

But I think we both agreed how hard it would be, and that no one would come close to me/him, and thats what would make it difficult.

 

I think maybe you need to realize just because she wants to spend forever with you, maybe she doesn't believe in "The One"

Maybe she just thinks that there are many people out there that you can spend your life with, and its ultimately a choice to spend it with someone.

 

Thats how I view it.

My partner is well suited for me, he meets my needs and we have a fabolous relationship. I don't believe in THE ONE, as in he was destined on this Earth for me. We're well matched.

And if something happened, there is a chance I could meet someone else and spend my life with them as well.

Doesn't mean I am actively looking for someone else, because I've chosen to be with him.

 

Don't take it too personally.

It may have been how she worded it, or how she feels about relationships.

All of which she's entitled to feel.

These are difficult things to talk about, or ask..so tread carefully..especially if you take these things to heart.

[fiishh]

Thank you very much for all of the advice I think it's just hurt me because she used to say that it was only me she could want, and I don't like thinking that she could have another "love of her life", because then what would be the point in being with me, if she could have that with someone else? It just confuses me a bit and she isn't being very nice about it now, she doesn't understand why it hurt me and she isn't even talking to me now. I'm just worried that maybe I'm not the person for her if she can think like this.

 

The thing is she didn't just say it's possible, she said she knows she could love someone else and when I asked if she would still love me more and rather be with me she just kept saying that's illogical because I'd be dead, but I don't think any of the conversation was too logical anyway!

 

I know you're all right that I should be glad she loves me now but I just don't like thinking of her having the same connection I have with her with someone else.

[itsallgrand]

see that's exactly how i think, how i look at the world. I agree on a philosophical level with exactly that type of logic.

 

but i also get romantic, and in the middle of a relationship find it easy to get lost in "forever"s, and "perfect"s. that's the best part, imo.

 

Right. Me, too.

 

Sometimes one person is in the mood to have some pretty words spoken to them (even if you know it's not absolute truth) and the other isn't in the space or whatever : some hurt feelings can result from that sometimes.

 

What matters the most tho is really deep down knowing how the other feels and cares about you.

 

BTW: I'd made some blunders of my own and hurt some feelings when one was trying to be romantic and I got all blunty-logical about it. She might have even been surprised to find out it hurt your feelings: hope you feel better about it soon!

[fiishh]

She thought the reason it hurt was because I have "low" self esteem. She likes to analyse everything and I know that isn't why it hurt, and I don't know how to make her see why it did. We weren't getting on great at the time, so maybe that had something to do with it?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This kind of conversation reminds me of the type that happens with children and their parents "who do you love more, me or Billy"..and the mother answers, "I love you both in different ways". The answer is never satisfying to the child because the child only sees that they are not mom's favourite. You need to get out of this mentality and accept that nobody knows what the future holds...nobody knows how their love will change over time..nobody knows who they will meet and how they will feel once their partner is gone. As for statements of "I could only ever want you"...those are immature statements typically made during the honeymoon stage of a relationship. How many people were told the same thing and then 3 years later they are dumped and the partner is suddenly in love with someone else. People can change, feelings can change...when someone says to you "I will always love you until the end of time" kind of thing, take it with a grain of salt..because they don't have a crystal ball to know what the future holds.

[thetruth]

well she is super-logical and analytical , and your idealistic and romantic. they are both fine ways to be but one of you is going to have to step over the barrier.

 

if you want to make her understand you have to present a logically coherent argument.

[itsallgrand]

She thought the reason it hurt was because I have "low" self esteem. She likes to analyse everything and I know that isn't why it hurt, and I don't know how to make her see why it did. We weren't getting on great at the time, so maybe that had something to do with it?

 

It could have had something to do with it - particularly if you were really just looking for a bit of reassurance and got that instead.

[mca1975]

Well what a subject, how comes you were talking about that issue. Well having had an ex-boyfriend pass away, I really never thought I would love again, but I did, but definitely not in the same way.

 

I don't think anyone knows how much it hurts or how hard it will be, until something like this happens.

 

I think it was a bit thoughtless of her to say this to you really. I think I would be a bit hurt also.

[fiishh]

I mentioned it because I watched a tv programme about an old person's home and the wife of a guy who had a stroke wanted to find someone else while he was alive, and I thought how much that would hurt if she done that to me, so I asked her what she would do.

 

I could accept her loving someone else if I was to die, but it would be different if she felt the same for them, and it's the fact that she thinks she could feel the same for someone else that hurts, because if she wants to spend her life with me, how can she even imagine that?

[_Asti_]

I mentioned it because I watched a tv programme about an old person's home and the wife of a guy who had a stroke wanted to find someone else while he was alive, and I thought how much that would hurt if she done that to me, so I asked her what she would do.

 

I could accept her loving someone else if I was to die, but it would be different if she felt the same for them, and it's the fact that she thinks she could feel the same for someone else that hurts, because if she wants to spend her life with me, how can she even imagine that?

 

You have to understand that wanting to spend your life with someone is a choice.

Just like she can choose to move on and be with someone else if you pass on.

 

She won't love someone like she's loved you, you are unique and individual, so its impossible for her to love someone like you, because she can only love you in a certain way.

The next person that comes along will be different, there will be a different relationship.

She may have not explained herself well in the situation.

It's like a parent and a child.

They have multiple children, they love them all..but I'm sure you love them for their uniqueness, and what it is about them that makes them them. But at the end of the day, you still love them.

 

I think you're looking way too much into it.

 

You both have different views on "love" and "forever".

 

She just believes that there is more than one person out there that you can be with.

But she's CHOSEN you.

[russ978]

My girlfriend said to me yesterday, after I brought up the subject, that if I died she knows that she could love someone else in the same way as she loves me, is this a normal thing to feel when you want to be with someone forever?

 

If someone I was dating asked me that question, the response would be something along the lines of 'what are you talking about, you just died, lets at least wait until your body is cold until I start dating other people.'

 

That's one of those questions that doesn't really have a right answer...

[alcide]

You are just being too sensitive, and wake up t reality. Its natural, life goes on all the time, and things happy people change. You said you can't never love another, but trust me you might love another so fast when the time is right and she comes your way, but i can see u retrying to afford it, keep trying.

[fiishh]

It's not so much her being able to love someone else if I was to die, it's more that she is able to imagine it, because how can I be the one for her if she can imagine loving someone else when she supposedly loves me? It makes no sense at all to me and saying that to her is like talking to a brick wall, she's angry at me for feeling hurt and is trying to make me feel bad about feeling hurt.

[thetruth]

It's not so much her being able to love someone else if I was to die, it's more that she is able to imagine it, because how can I be the one for her if she can imagine loving someone else when she supposedly loves me? It makes no sense at all to me and saying that to her is like talking to a brick wall, she's angry at me for feeling hurt and is trying to make me feel bad about feeling hurt.

 

because she is not imagining it! it was a theoretical question, she gave you a theoretical answer! it is just the way she looks at the world, nothing more. she is not thinking of who she'll love, when she'll love, how she'll love, she is thinking "is it possible" yes! it is for you too, you just don't like to think that way...

 

as i said, she is analytical and logical, you are idealistic and romantic. until you talk to her on a logical level, she won't understand it.

[_Asti_]

You can't argue this anymore.

You both see it two very different ways, you are no more entitled to feel this way, then her feeling the way she does.

 

You both don't agree on this, so let it go.

You both will not understand how the other person is seeing it and viewing it.

So don't beat yourself up over it.

 

You asked the question, and you got the answer.

Its always possible to love someone else. Anyone can imagine.

I'm happily in a long term relationship, want to spend my life with my partner. If something happened, yes I probably could love again.

There's nothing wrong with her train of thought...at all!

She's being realistic.

You're being idealistic.

 

Agree to disagree mate!

[hexaemeron]

It's not so much her being able to love someone else if I was to die, it's more that she is able to imagine it, because how can I be the one for her if she can imagine loving someone else when she supposedly loves me? It makes no sense at all to me and saying that to her is like talking to a brick wall, she's angry at me for feeling hurt and is trying to make me feel bad about feeling hurt.

 

Honestly, I'd be angry at you too. You're upset because she knows that she wouldn't be ruined for other men for the rest of her natural life over your untimely demise?

 

I'm sure you're a great guy, but you couldn't possibly sound any less confident in yourself or your relationship if you tried.

[fiishh]

If she could love someone as much as she loves me when I die, then what is stopping her from loving someone else when I'm alive? Is it even possible to always just want to be with the one person, or am I just deluding myself?

[hexaemeron]

If she could love someone as much as she loves me when I die, then what is stopping her from loving someone else when I'm alive? Is it even possible to always just want to be with the one person, or am I just deluding myself?

 

You lack of confidence is betraying you once again. You could play the what if game with everyone you date and the only thing you'll successfully cultivate is your state of being habitually single.

 

She loves you and she says it. If you TRUST her, and you believe in yourself and the relationship, this should even be an issue. You need some serious self-confidence, dude.

[FarthestEdge]

Ok, so lets assume that the love you have together is amazing, and wonderful. Anything less now, would be, well, not enough.

 

So if something happened to you, would you WANT your gf to spend the rest of her life grieving you and what you had, and having every other relationship fall short and not fulfill her the way yours does?

 

Would YOU want to spend the rest of your life in relationships that were just missing enough to remind you that you once had HER and you can never have THAT love again?

 

So either of you should never truly move on?

 

If that's what you think true love is, you need to re-examine your ideas of love.

 

Don't you think the greatest expression of your love would be to WANT her to have happiness again- even if it can't come from you?

[thetruth]

it's already been said - she is choosing to be with you , that's exactly what you want.

 

instead of being happy, you are asking her to promise to love only you forever - which is exactly what you are saying.

 

that's like asking me to promise to be lucky, for the rest of my life. I can't do that!