allie24 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 So this is my first time really using a forum so I hope I'm doing this right and not annoying people. I have loads of friends who have helped so much with this break up but I feel like I need the perspective of some outsiders, so I would really really appreciate anyone's opinion. The story goes: my boyfriend and I (both 18) were together for almost five months, which doesn't seem like long but we were so in love and it felt perfect up until about a month ago. We live about an hour away from each other, and he always said that he feels guilty when I make the trip to him but he's too busy to make the trip to me. Lose/lose situation. Also about a month ago, he said he thought that we were "losing our spark" a bit. STUPIDLY, I lost my virginity to him in an effort to save the relationship, but 2 days ago he broke it off, giving the reason of distance. I said I would come and see him every day, I don't care about the distance, but he said "it wouldn't be fair for me to ask you to change more than you already have for me". But now we're on holidays and I feel like if he gave me just another couple of weeks to prove that it really can work then we could be back to normal again. How do I convince him of this without being clingy? I asked him if he thinks, honestly, there's any chance of us getting back together and he said "maybe in a few months..maybe after I've finished my essays and I'm less stressed" but then later he said he can't see it happening. Now it's like ALL I can think about is whether we can get back together. I'm so tempted to call/text him but I don't want to suffocate him. My friends say if I leave him alone he'll realise how much he misses me but I'm so scared he'll just forget all about me. This is so painful, I've never hurt so much in my life. What should I do? Do you think there's any chance of us getting back together? Thankyou so much for actually reading such a long post from a first-timer! Link to comment
arcadefire Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Honey, I know the pain of what you are going through. With my first love, it was around a 6 month long relationship, not too long, but we did almost and practically everything together. When I asked him how he felt about me, after confessing that I love him, he said he didn't love me, but he "really liked me". I debated in vain whether to stay in hopes that he will come to love me or if I should let him go. I made the difficult decision to break up with him considering that if he didn't grow to love me while I did, I didn't think I could be in a one sided relationship for any longer. When I asked him whether he would grow to love me, he gave similar answers as your bf, such as I don't know, maybe in a year, etc. To me, it's not worth the grief. Don't worry about him forgetting you. He will never forget you. I have never forgotten any of my exes, even those who have wronged me. There is probably a slim chance of getting back, but at this point you have to accept that he doesn't want to stay with you, and you need to step back and heal in the moment. It's painful to know that your bf doesn't love you the way you love him. But a one sided relationship can't last for much longer. It's best to move on and find someone who won't make such lame excuses to break things up with you. Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 I'm sorry that you're feeling this way right now. I know exactly how you feel, because I've been through this before. You may not like what I have to say, but I'm going to say it anyways. Honestly, I think you should just let him go. It sounds to me as though he was just using you, especially since you lost it to him as well. If a guy was really into you, he would do whatever means necessary to find a way to see you. Why do you constantly feel the need to have to "prove" yourself to him? This is a one sided relationship. It is not fair whatsoever that you have to do all the work, meanwhile he has the audacity to tell you that he is losing the spark and it's not fair to ask you to come see him. He's already told you that he doesn't see it happening that you will get back together. I highly doubt it's based on distance, to me it seems like just as excuse. I know it's going to be hard to get over it, but do know that you deserve better than what he has to offer you (which isn't much). There are other guys out there in the sea, just give it some time. Link to comment
allie24 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 I think you're both right about it being one sided. I just hate that it's always the pursuer who ends up falling out of love first! I understand that it's not fair on me but at the same time there's a part of me that is so desperate that I'd get back together even if it meant him treating me horribly. That sounds so silly though, I guess it just takes time to heal. Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 I think you're both right about it being one sided. I just hate that it's always the pursuer who ends up falling out of love first! I understand that it's not fair on me but at the same time there's a part of me that is so desperate that I'd get back together even if it meant him treating me horribly. That sounds so silly though, I guess it just takes time to heal. Trust me hun, I've been through the same as you. With my first love, he basically left me for another girl. When I went out with someone else afterwards (mutual friend) he spread rumors that I was dating his best friend. Meanwhile, the guy was cheating on me (and it was my 1st love who told me about it, just to be spiteful). We lost it to each other as well and a few years passed and we got back together because I was still crazy in love with him. He claimed he had an epiphany and that he realized that we were "meant" to be together and we were soul mates, blah blah blah. So we hook up again, and he insisted that we didn't use a condom because he didn't like that way it felt. He even went as far as stating "what you don't trust me"? So as stupid as I was, I listened and ended up pregnant. I had an abortion but he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore because it was getting too serious for him. I was young and naive and I learned a very good lesson from that. Stop wasting your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you and don't make someone a priority when you are just an option! You deserve better than this. Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 You cannot prove anything to him because you've already met him more than halfway. He doesn't want to feel as if he's in a relationship of his convenience but he doesn't want to do his share of the work either. You deserve someone who will meet you halfway, do at least their fair share of the work of maintaining a relationship. Drop him like a hot potato. Link to comment
allie24 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 You cannot prove anything to him because you've already met him more than halfway. Stop wasting your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you and don't make someone a priority when you are just an option! Those two quotes are absolutely true. I think they should be my new mantras. Seriously, thank you all so much, I know this will take ages to get over but I already feel a little bit better just from hearing your perspectives. Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Those two quotes are absolutely true. I think they should be my new mantras. Seriously, thank you all so much, I know this will take ages to get over but I already feel a little bit better just from hearing your perspectives. Grieving is a natural part of the healing process. Cry if you need to, but I guarantee you that as time goes by things will be so much better. It literally took me years to get over my 1st love, but I did it and I'm so much stronger than ever. He will always be a part of my life, but nothing more than just a past and an experience. At this place in time, I know that I'm in a better place. I finally found someone who loves me the way I should be loved and I know you can do the same. Just give it some time and let yourself heal and do not, I repeat do not go back to him. If he wants to talk, he has your number and he knows where to reach you. Other than that - start focusing on you because that's all that matters right now! Link to comment
arcadefire Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Jd1118> I really feel for you. It's great that you've grown stronger from your experience! allie24> I did everything with my first love as well, and it took quite a bit of time to get over him. Do not talk to him, do not attempt to be friends with him, because his rejection will only make you hurt more. The fastest way to heal is to concentrate on yourself, keep yourself busy, and not talk to him or know what is going on in his life. Before you know it, you may even meet a new guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Link to comment
allie24 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 I'm back....how do I stop myself from texting him? I haven't given in yet but it's unbelievably tempting. How did you all stop yourselves from texting ex's when you knew it would just make things worse? Link to comment
Talus Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 When you get the urge to text him stop. Think. Is it going to make you feel any better? NO. You will freak out over everything you said in the text, you will second guess it, especially when he doesn't text back right away. You'll think why hasn't he written back!? Go over and over and over your message making sure you didn't say the wrong thing etc. etc. Basically you will drive yourself crazy. I guarantee you that. Unless you have a serious problem where you like causing yourself harm or putting yourself through unnecessary pain, then you should not text him. Right now I'm a month or 2 on of NC from the break up of my first love. Been feeling the most intense pain. But I have now deleted and blocked the ex on facebook. Deleted her number from my phone, even if I do remember it... EVEN when I'm drunk And you know what, I'm feeling better. Still * * * * . But better. Out of sight, out of mind. I don't drive myself crazy by sending a text and stressing about everything to do with it. I don't check up her facebook or stalk her friends just to see what she's up to etc. Simple question is why should I? Why should YOU? The relationship is over. If you shift your focus from their life, which I'm sure is mostly what you care about right now, and focus instead on your life, this whole thing will become easier. As I've mentioned, ways to do that are delete and BLOCK them from social networking sites, delete their number and all their old msgs and make it so if you really feel the urge, you're actually gonna have to go to some effort to be able to contact him. By the time you remember his number, unblock him on facebook etc, you will hopefully have convinced yourself it is a BAD IDEA. I hope some of that helps a little... It's basically a case of removing the temptation. It'll always be there, but when it becomes difficult to act on that temptation, you'll hopefully wisen up before you get that chance. Link to comment
allie24 Posted September 26, 2009 Author Share Posted September 26, 2009 Oh gosh. Please somebody reply, I am so lonely and such a mess. I thought I was actually starting to get over it. I didn't even cry the past two days, then today it just hit me again like BAM and it's like the breakup night all over again but a million times worse. I don't know what triggered it, probably something about the finality of it all, and in a weird way it hurts that he's not breaking NC which was initiated by me. Love is so cruel Link to comment
allie24 Posted September 26, 2009 Author Share Posted September 26, 2009 And thankyou Talus, you did help. I didn't end up contacting him after all. Link to comment
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