CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Well as some of you know I have been going back and forth with this new guy I have been dating...Well I finally grew some balls (well tiny balls at least lol) and emailed him how I felt. The email basically said that I thought he was a great person and I know we have fun together and stuff so I was wondering where he sees this going, that I was not asking him to be my boyfriend but more asking if he could see himself with me exclusively. I was really scared to ask that because we have only been out on 4 dates and one of those dates was our first meeting. But I just went on ahead and asked anyway to get it off my chest I guess...So I got this back in response It feels good to hear you feel that way. As far as whether I could see being with you exclusively, I don't know yet. Of course my objective for dating is to eventually get to that point, but its my opinion that you just have to let relationships evolve to that point. I don't have very many close friends, and the ones I do consider close took good time to get there. Not so much because I make people jump through hoops, but friendships are forged through time, because that's how things last. So yes, I like hangin with you, and I'd like to kick it more in the future. But for me it's very early to determine "where" I see this going. But who knows I'll call you this weekend Now at first when I received this email I was happy! But then I started to think about how he is probably dating other women and it made me sad so I figured okay if he is making me sad then yeah its not going to be a good situation. So now I figured that I wouldn't see him anymore because I feel that if someone likes you they should know what they want. Anyways I thought I would post this because some of you probably wanted to know what came of this and since you guys always give me advice I thought I would tell you this. I'm bummed but hopefully soon I will feel better. Thanks for reading Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 CoCo - First of all, I'm proud of you! That was really brave! However, I don't think it was the right thing to do. Like he said, you've only been in 3-4 dates and maybe now he will fell pressured and things won't evolve as naturally. On the other hand, I know how nerve wrecking "waiting" can be, so in the end, it might actually have been the right thing to do. I think he was really decent and honest with you. He wasn't "making jokes" are bull * * * * ting, he was honest, when in reality, he didn't even owe you a response. I agree with you about, look, if a guy likes me, he KNOWS he wants to be with me, but sometimes people have history and other things going on that makes them unsure you know? Everyone have their own timing. I am trying to learn that as well. My advice is that you actually "move on" but hear him out if he calls you. Let HIM pursue you now and stop e-mailing/iming/contacting him. If he makes an effort to see you, go on the date and see how things go. Only my two cents anyways. Link to comment
Sn0man Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 I don't know what you're bummed about. After just 4 dates, the last thing you should be doing is asking about exclusivity - and that he responded to your email, rather than freak out, is a good sign. Because for me, if i'd gotten that email after just 4 dates....let's just say I doubt there'd be a fifth. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 I don't know what you're bummed about. After just 4 dates, the last thing you should be doing is asking about exclusivity - and that he responded to your email, rather than freak out, is a good sign. Because for me, if i'd gotten that email after just 4 dates....let's just say I doubt there'd be a fifth. LOL! Thanks for your honesty man. lol Seriously though I really appreciate it. Link to comment
savagegirl Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 I think it was too soon to send that email.. I also think that sort of conversation should be done in PERSON, not through email. We rely way too much on email and texts when those types of personal things should be spoken, not typed out. You've only gone on 4 dates with the guy.. I think you are expecting a bit much. The fact that you got a response like that though isn't a bad sign. I think the ball is totally in his court now, I'd let him make the dates and let him lead the way for futUre talks and stuff. I wouldn't give up on him.. YET. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 You know what I felt like it was sorta soon but I guess I just did what I felt like doing. I also think it was bad to do by email also...I guess if I couldn't do it over the phone or in person I shouldn't have done it at all. Maybe I need to grow up. Yeah I need to grow up. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 Oh yeah another thing is we have been seeing each other for a month and have been out on Saturdays so we haven't been seeing each other that much. I don't know if that makes a difference...just thought I would add that in there. Link to comment
NightLily Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 If he has been dating other people, then why don't you consider doing so as well? You really don't know if it is going to go towards being exclusive and then at least you won't be putting so much hope into this one guy. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 Well its not that I am "putting so much hope" into this guy it just so happens that I really like him and it just didn't work out. I signed up for a trial on link removed thinking that I would just get out of the house and go on a few dates, then I met this guy and started to really like him (his personality and stuff) . I don't get out much because I don't have many friends so I have been trying to get myself out there. The trial on link removed IS OVER and cannot afford to sign up again so this is really the only reason I am not dating anymore. I mean its not like I'm going to die because he isn't interested, I'm just sorta bummed. Life goes on. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Grrrl, let's pull up some chairs, have some Chik-Fil-A and have a chat. I have to agree with the posters above and say that communicating open and honestly about where you are in your feelings is a very brave thing to do. And I'm super proud of you for that. Here, have some waffles fries. Now, expecting exclusivity so early or even expecting it with a stopwatch is just dangerous and wrong. You can't strongarm someone's feelings to validate your own. He gave you a very reasonable, frankly impressive response, and you're dumping him! If this were a year in and he hasn't said I love you yet, that's one thing. But you're just hung out a handful of times. Don't be a barnacle girl. You don't want to be a girl who sees a guy she likes and without finding out if true imtimacy is desired or even possible, you just LATCH right on and go. Bad, CoCo, bad! Give me back the waffle fries. You were brave to let him know where you're at, but you have to be brave also by understanding that you have to let it grow naturally. You don't get a rosebush, and yell at it "I LOVE YOU!!! GROW DAMNIT!!!" and expect those beautiful flowers. They happen when they happen and you just have to be ready for it. Link to comment
Shudder Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 do you know for sure he is dating other people for sure? the way he wrote it, to me it just seemed like he wanted things to happen naturally. and 4 dates is pretty early to determine, like he said... Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 OH EM GEE! I love you! lol I totally understand what you mean. I guess I jumped too fast or something...gah. I mean I'm not dumping him I guess I'm just letting go? I don't know...my head is all screwed up...its like going crazy. Shudder I don't know if he is dating others for sure. I mean I'm pretty sure he is though. lol Link to comment
KH26 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 But if he is dating other people you have only been out a few times, that doesn't really mean anything just yet. If you were boyfriend/ girlfriend and he was seeing other people then that would be something else. You can't really expect him to say where he sees you two going just yet, think he's right, those kind of things do take time. You're still in the "getting to know eachother" stages. In my opinion I think you should give him a chance, go on a few more dates if you like him, see how things develop over a bit more time. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 OH EM GEE! I love you! lol I totally understand what you mean. I guess I jumped too fast or something...gah. I mean I'm not dumping him I guess I'm just letting go? I don't know...my head is all screwed up...its like going crazy. Shudder I don't know if he is dating others for sure. I mean I'm pretty sure he is though. lol That's what people are supposed to do when they're dating! You date around and when you know you've found someone you want to be exclusive with, then you make that choice and only date them. People seem to get so wrapped up in the whole lesbian U-Haul dating model. It usually doesn't work for lesbians, so let's not do it either. Link to comment
AmandaB Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Im sorry to hijack your thread but this is some funny stuff. You just made my day This is great advice! I have the same problem that OP is posting about, except i dont have anybody, yet. I do tend to jump too quick into thinking about things and I dont let things progess naturally. This is my new thing, just going w/ the flow. Really good things take time I have noticed Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 That's what people are supposed to do when they're dating! You date around and when you know you've found someone you want to be exclusive with, then you make that choice and only date them. People seem to get so wrapped up in the whole lesbian U-Haul dating model. It usually doesn't work for lesbians, so let's not do it either. BUT thats just it right, if you are dating someone and you are dating around should you know when you find the person you want to date exclusively...am I making sense? What I am trying to say is shouldn't he know by now if he could at least SEE us being exclusive..... Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 Oh and whats a "lesbian U-Haul dating model"? lol Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 BUT thats just it right, if you are dating someone and you are dating around should you know when you find the person you want to date exclusively...am I making sense? What I am trying to say is shouldn't he know by now if he could at least SEE us being exclusive..... Asking about the possibility of a promise is basically code for "I'm using other words to ask for your promise" -- Don't be sneaky. And the lesbian uhaul model means meeting for coffee or dinner and then getting a uhaul to move in! Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 ohhhh okay I get it so maybe I should just see if he calls then. hmmm but what do I do when I start thinking about him dating for example today is Friday I keep thinking he is on a date, or he will be going on one tonight! I don't have anyone to date and I don't really have any friends right now (I'm working on that) so my mind keeps going to him on a date with another girl. Ewww I hate it. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 ohhhh okay I get it so maybe I should just see if he calls then. hmmm but what do I do when I start thinking about him dating for example today is Friday I keep thinking he is on a date, or he will be going on one tonight! I don't have anyone to date and I don't really have any friends right now (I'm working on that) so my mind keeps going to him on a date with another girl. Ewww I hate it. Hey, he's allowed to look around and date, and so are you! Go find yourself a nice gentleman and have a great dinner and movie tonight Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 It doesn't work that way lol I can't just go find a random guy tonight and go on a date tonight. Oh well I guess I feel okay. I'm going to let go though because I like him and I don't want to get hurt. Thanks for your advice Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 CoCo - can you get yourself out there, and try to date others? I think that would help reduce your focus on him. also, I notice you say you guys only communicate through AIM and text? I hate to be a negative nancy, but that wouldn't work well with me. How can you learn about one another through those communication methods? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 Well if it happens it happens, I'm no longer looking to date. I don't think I'm strong enough yet. We talk on the phone too but not as often as AIM and texting. Link to comment
sharples2 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 This guy you went on dates with sounds like my best friend. He has the same type of mindset. He goes out and dates girls and never brings up any type of relationship questions. Then after 6-7 months of hanging out and going on dates it kind of gets to the point where the girl asks if they are "together". All of three of his relationships have lasted 4+ years. Think of it in a way if you rush into it with this guy and then all of a sudden you meet another guy that you are more of a match for in a month would you toss this guy to the side? I hear you on wanting it to be more. I get that way sometimes. I would go out and put yourself out there and meet others you never know what you are missing out on if you only have eyes for this guy. Don't make someone a priority in your life when you're only an option in theirs. I try to follow that when it comes to dating. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 Yeah I understand what you mean, but anyway I don't think I'm ready to date based off of this experience. I just got out of a long term relationship in march and I thought I was ready but obviously I'm not yet. Link to comment
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