is he taking me for granted???

[roxy79]

My BF and I have been together for about 8 months. We get along very well and have a great time together. But sometimes I feel like he doesn't appreciate me and doesn't really "care" about me. He's a firefighter so he has a very stressful job, as well as a 15yr old son. I am extremely understanding of his job and accept him and support him in every was possible.

 

Long story short... he has been about for 3 weeks fighting a fire. He got home last thursday. We spent the day together Friday, went out on a date Saturday night, and then today, he has barely talked to me. He normally sends me a text saying good morning and lets me know about his plans for the day. Or at least sends a message in the middle of the day to do so. I didn't hear from him at all. I sent him a message saying I hope he's having a good day, and he responds telling me he's just doing things around the house and he'll call me later. I guess I was expecting a little "How are you?" or anything to make me think he actually cares about me. When he was gone for those 3 weeks, he never said he missed me or that he couldn't wait to see me. and that hurt.

 

He is leaving in a few days and will be gone for ANOTHER week and I just dont' feel like he has made much effort to see me or show/tell me that he appreciate me. I took care of EVERYTHING while he was gone... his son, his bills, the house etc. I went beyond the call of duty. I guess I thought I would have gotton flowers when I saw him for the first time or something to show he cared. Am I just being needy? Am I over-reacting?

[DN]

Has he been fighting the wildfires?

[Angeliah]

Sounds like you need to talk to him and be honest about your feelings. I would imagine fighting fires for 3 weeks would very physically draining and exhausting. But some sign of appreciation for looking after his son and his affairs would have been appropriate on his behalf. Keep an eye on things and make sure you're not being used as his nanny. Make sure you're receiving something out of this relationship, not just giving.

[roxy79]

And that's the thing. Sometimes I just feel like he does not appreciate one thing about me or what I do. I know we talk everyday. And Yes, we did spend ALL of Friday together and Saturday night was a lovely date night. But then it's like he shuts off and doesn't care. Like he did his duty for a few days. I dont know if I am showing him I care too much and that he knows I'm not going anywhere. I always answer his calls. I always respond immediately to his texts etc. I'm just thinking that maybe if I'm not always so available, he might appreciate me more... miss me more... and will WANT to see me and will be excited to see me when he returns.

 

To me I am always jumping for joy when I get to see him, especially if he's been gone away for a week or so... but, I just don't "sense" him being excited to see me. Cause I would think that if he did miss me, or was excited to see me, he'd plan more dates, he'd let me know via a text or a call that he misses me etc. Am I wrong? Or do you think he's past the point of having to impress me, and he's just going with the flow now that we've been together this long??

 

and yes... he was fighting the wildfires in Los Angeles

[jenny_mcs]

I guess I thought I would have gotton flowers when I saw him for the first time or something to show he cared. Am I just being needy? Am I over-reacting?

 

I see that you are in California. Has he been fighting the wildfires for 3 weeks? If this is the type of mission he has been on, then, yes, you really need to check yourself. He was fighting fires under grueling conditions for 3 weeks, yet made time for a soon as he got home, and you are upset he didn't bring you flowers? WOW.

[roxy79]

LOL. I'm not "upset" that he didn't bring me flowers and trust me, I value and know what he does for a living and appreciate his duties more than I can describe. But this "scenario" I have painted has been occurring more than just these past 3 weeks when he was gone away. This has been an on going occurrence... the level of effort on his part is lacking and I'm just trying to figure out why. I dont know if it's his personality, if he doesn't feel the need to sweep me off my feet, if it's his age, or what. I just know, that as a woman, we need to feel appreciated and loved and adored. And a lot of the time, I don't get that from him. I always am on the fence in my head.

[Kumatora]

My father is a career fire lieutenant. He's dealt with 9/11 and national disasters. I think I can help you out with this.

 

 

On this part I see you overreacting.

 

How would you feel if you had to work 3 weeks straight? Up to 20+ hours a day? Barely given any break and your job requires a lot of attention and safety? With that in mind, his work is DRAINING!

 

He needs to rest. He is going back out to do a job that ensures safety for the community. It's a hell of a responsibility. He took you out on a date, so it's not like he doesn't appreciate you. It's possible he has forgotten to contact you because he's exhausted from work, but can he have one day to himself? Just because he doesn't call/text you in ONE day doesn't mean you should jump to conclusions that he doesn't appreciate you and nag him about spending "me time." He needs some downtime for himself... I suggest staying off his back until the fire he is fighting is put out.

 

 

Welcome to being a firefighter's wife. There will be days where he will be called to an emergency and you HAVE to take care of everything on your own. It's about the same deal with living with someone who is in the military. You never know when he has to go out and perform his job... this is the life of a firefighter, especially one who is apart of international/national fire and rescue.

 

When my dad came home from rescuing lives at the Pentagon and clean up at the WTC during 9/11, he didn't come home with flowers. He was stressed out and extremely tired. It took him awhile to cope with what he witnessed. Same deal with working down in New Orleans with Katrina victims or work during tornado disasters. He did however spent a lot of time with his family after he unwinded. I don't think it's realistic to expect this from your guy when he has worked a very stressful job that endangers people's lives.

 

To an extent I don't think you realize how his career is going to affect you both. You do however deserve to talk with him about the situation at home and how he can help you. My parents ended up discussing how to take care of household responsibilities since my dad worked 24 hours 4-5 days a week or goes out to calls that required him to travel (for hurricane/tornado disasters, wildfires, etc). There even has been days where my dad wants to be completely left alone to rest at home and my mom has learned to respect.

[roxy79]

Kumatora...

thank you for your response. I know I haven't forgotton what he's been doing, but I guess it does slip my mind the LENGTH that he's being do it. And then, on the other hand, I have been busting my butt to make things work at home without him, and that has been draining and exhausting as well. I've never been "pushed to the limits" as I have been these past few weeks and what has been even hardering, is not being able to just have a "normal" conversation with him. For three weeks, every call was what his assignment was, what they did on the fire lines, how he's going to sleep, and he'll call me when he gets his next assignment. So.. I do understand his exhausting life style. At times, I just dont feel so wonderful. He'll mention how great so-and-so's wife is, and how so-and-so's wife is just a doll cause she does this, this, and this, but never do I get a pat on the shoulder for being the perfect gf. makes me sad.

[Kumatora]

Like I said: give it time. Things will change back to how they were when his mission is done. You don't feel appreciated because he's hardly around and talks about his coworkers. Those feelings are very understandable. However, don't take it personal if he doesn't contact you or loses his romantic touch when he's busy at work. His job is very important, but it does not mean he does not care about you. He just needs some downtime. If he starts to dodge you when he's not busy with work (this case being different when he knows he has to go back to it), then you can say that he is losing interest.

[roxy79]

You are totally right. I just need to focus on my coaching and teaching and know that he does adore me and love me and that he's just overwhelmed with his job right now and needs some downtime to readjust and get recharged.

Thank you all for your input.

[faithful14]

I think he's just under a lot of stress dealing with the wildfires so right now his mind is elsewhere. Since he came home and spent a good amount of time with you, he does probably care about you a lot. He may just used that time away from you to take care of business and prepare for his next shift.

[Hopefully Not]

I think it's rude and inexcusable for him not to say a few words of thanks to you. I've dealt with plenty of tough times and long, stressful hours. It didn't make me rude, no matter how tired or shocked I was by what I'd seen or dealt with. That's the experience I'm basing my opinion on.

 

Since you said this has happened before, he may simply just not be thd kind of guy to verbally validate you. He still may appreciate you fully, just not say it. In his mind maybe the time spent together says it all.

 

Up to you if you can be happy with that, or if you need to find a way to raise the issue once the fires are out.

[DN]

Who gives him flowers for trying to save people's lives and homes by putting his own life on the line? Didn't two firefighters die doing just that in those fires? Who thanks him?

[Ms Darcy]

My BF and I have been together for about 8 months.

 

He is leaving in a few days and will be gone for ANOTHER week and I just dont' feel like he has made much effort to see me or show/tell me that he appreciate me. I took care of EVERYTHING while he was gone... his son, his bills, the house etc. I went beyond the call of duty. I guess I thought I would have gotton flowers when I saw him for the first time or something to show he cared. Am I just being needy? Am I over-reacting?

 

Why are you taking care of everything for him when you've only been in an 8-mo relationship? I think you are hoping for a little validation and reassurance because you did things for him. I do not really think that's fair to him because due to his job and personality, he may not be mindful/know how to give the validation you seek.

 

Why don't you ask him how his weeks have been and then tell him you missed him and that it was hard work holding down the fort. An open conversation can often elicit honesty and words of thanks.

[Hopefully Not]

Who gives him flowers for trying to save people's lives and homes by putting his own life on the line? Didn't two firefighters die doing just that in those fires? Who thanks him?

 

It's not a contest, and if he'd rather get flowers than get paid an extremely generous salary plus benefits and retirement package then I'm sure the state can arrange that.

[DN]

Of course it's not a contest - but sometimes it helps to see things in perspective. This guy is doing a dangerous and physically demanding job for days at a time with little rest and it seems to me that he could be given the benefit of that.

[Hopefully Not]

That's not perspective, it's obfuscation.

 

She's not getting paid. Plus what he's doing when he's at work has nothng to do with simpy saying "thanks" when he isn't. That's perspective.

[waveseer]

I guess I'll state the obvious, since I've screwed this part up so many times I feel qualified.

 

If you want something from someone, no matter what the circumstances are just assume you have to ask for it. Any other method besides direct is dysfunctional and unhealthy.

 

We tell ourselves they should know. But they don't know because if they did there wouldn't be an issue.

 

Just talk with him about it calmly, lovingly, and kindly. You have needs, and they are a-okay.

 

 

[DN]

he has been about for 3 weeks fighting a fire. He got home last thursday. We spent the day together Friday, went out on a date Saturday night, and then today, he has barely talked to me

It seems to me that a man who has been away for three weeks, has a son and chores to take care of has spent quite a fair amount of time with the OP.

[roxy79]

I feel as though what I did for him while he was away isn't being noticed by some of the posters. Does he deserve flowers for putting his life on the line for complete strangers everyday? Absolutely! Does he want them? No! He came home to a very generous and LARGE gift basket full of pampering goodies as well as other fun and motivating things to welcome him home. I never said I discounted what he does, nor do I ignore what he does. Does he have a lot on his plate? Totally! But so do I, and I am still balancing coaching a softball team, teaching elementary, taking care of MY family, etc, and I still continue to make time to talk to him or send him messages letting him know I care and I am thinking of him.

 

My point of this thread was to get advice as to what I am doing wrong or what I need to do in order to either make him more appreciative of me and who I am and what a great catch I am. I questioned whether I am too available for him and that I shouldn't always "jump" when he says too. And I also questioned why he didn't or wouldn't send me a good mornign message yesterday (or today) or why he wouldn't ask how I am or what I am up to. At this point, I feel everything is ALL about him and to me, that's not fair, because I have things going on in my life too.

[DN]

Nobody is saying that your life or needs are unimportant. But in the context of what he is doing on a daily basis with not much respite you might consider that you are asking for too much when he is under this amount of pressure. He's probably physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted among other things. So it isn't that you are in the wrong and he is in the right - it is that you may be asking too much at this particular time.

[quirky]

I understand what you're saying roxy, you matter as well and you are very special.

 

Maybe it's a good idea to be less available, don't do anything you might feel resentful doing. Often we do things in hope that we'll get rewarded and the reward never comes. By keeping a bit of distance you will allow him to appreciate you more or at least notice more what you have been offering. Also it will take the power away from him and you won't feel "helpless" in a way, will help you gain more confidence and perspective.

[roxy79]

but he HAS been home since Thursday and is leaving to go on a 10 day fishing trip this Thursday. If life was so awful at this point, I don't think he'd be going on this fishing trip. It's hurting my feelings knowing that he and I only have a limited time to see each other before he is gone yet again, and I don't feel like he even CARES to see me.

 

I sent him a message letting him know the time of my game tonight so that he could come watch me if he wanted to cause I know he can't make my game tomorrow night, no response. His son on the other hand snapped at me today, telling me that he has ALWAYS planned on staying at his grandma's the week his dad was away, which is untrue because last time we talked, he said he didn't know where he wanted to stay, either with me or his gma. And I asked him what he was doing cause I needed to make plans if he was going to stay with me, and now, he jumps down my throat.

 

I just feel like I keep doing everything wrong. My god, I'm going out on a limb for both of them, and yet I feel like I keep getting pooed on.

[Hopefully Not]

Roxy, you don't need to justify. You're not in the wrong. Ignore the prevalence of gender and personal bias, and baseless suppositions, so prevalent on this site and key in on advice that resounds in your mind and heart.

 

 

My 2c.

 

First, make sure the kid stays with grandma this time. No maybes or backtracking. The brat needs to learn some manners and consequence of his words.

 

Second, talk with this guy if you care to. Make clear what you'd like for validation then decide if you're OK or not with him possibly not giving it, or even telling you that you're being silly.

 

Good luck.

[roxy79]

Yes... his son is NOT staying with me. It's way too much work, when I don't think either of them appreciate me. I've come to the conclusion that with him gone for the next 10 days on his "boys trip" fishing, that I'm going to disappear. I'm not going to be around cause this time, I'm not taking care of his kid, nor am I having to pay the bills, and/or upkeep his house. Instead, going to do my own thing.

 

And to be honest, I don't even know when he is suppose to return, and I'm not going to ask either. I'll let HIM let me know that he's home. I'm sure he's assuming that'll he'll have this wonderful welcome home text, or something cause that's how I am. Just like I put together that beautiful welcome home basket when he returned from the fire. But I just feel like I need to "stop" for a while and either he'll notice me backing off and realize he needs to make the effort or he's gonna lose me. I just want him to appreciate how wonderful I am and maybe by me not being around for a while, he'll miss me some. It was different when he was fighting the fire cause I would answer his EVERY call and EVERY text only because time was limited and I wanted to know he was alive and well. But knowing he's fishing, and his life is NOT in any danger, I'm gonna lay low.