Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[aw4919]

This was me so many times after the BU happened. I hope you're ok.

Thank you so much. I'm mostly ok. I'm also not giving up hope yet. I'd rather take the risk of hurting a little more than give up on what I know to be true and right.

[sunshine34]

If the user lookingup sees this, I just want you to know I relate to all of your posts and I am going through something similar and wish the best for you.. Honestly, having the ex tere during a health scare isn't always the best thing.. For me, I didn't have anyone in this city for me and he knows that. He was there and is there for me, but it makes the situation worse. You are vulnerable with them in a way you have never been before and then you let them in deeper. The circumstance fools you to believe things are more than they are and that it will work out. Then you are left trying to cope w illness and the heartbreak.. Mine is taking me to surgery which is hopefully the last step in my health issue, but then I'm excising him just like the tissue in my body because they're both toxic to me.

 

 

Ex, what I'm going through is worse because I chose to see you last night.. I finally had closure from our conversation in your car the last time.. I fought so hard for you and put my heart and soul on the line for yours in exchange for my happiness and self respect. You told me, "My feelings mhst differ from your feelings or we would be together " "I can live without you" you brought up your ex and gave me relentless excuses but for the first time, I saw an indifference on your face I've never seen. That was my closure. It hurt but the nc and finality of it all minus you being there for my health issue on the 28th was comforting. I knew I did all I could and it wasn't enough for you I no longer needed to understand.. Then 2 days later you text me asking how I am.. Probably simply because you remembered I had to have bloodwork done, I kept all responses short and at a distance. The conversation somehow took a turn and ended w me beig putty in your hands saying I miss you and you saying you miss me too. Yesterday for my job I asked you if I could drop some stuff off for you to hand out and you said you would come by before soccer to pick it up.. My stupid ass gets nervous when I took them out of my purse and oops left my phone in your car.. I was goin out for dinner and I didn't want to not go bc I need to move on. I found my friends number and went out. I felt happy. For the first time in a long time. Then when you called my other phone saying you were dropping mine off you sounded sad and I knew it was bc I was moving on perhaps but y should that bother you?? You could care leas when I'm spilling my guts on the floor gushing over you but it bothers you that I'm moving on? Then when I get home later there's an incident w the front desk not having my phone.. Had to call you.. Your voice instantly made me emotional and forget about all of my happiness from the night. I tell you I need a hug, you tell me to come give you one. I do... On my way over I promise myself i won't spill over you , just a hug. Who am I kidding? I knew what would happen, I love you. Of course I can't give up. Of course not. We walk and talk and then I somehow bring up us again, this part is always a blur. I actually can't remember even thoguh it was yesterday.. It's like my memory is blocking itself bc of the pain and rejection. My thoughts can't even relive it. You holding me makes everything better.. All the verbal doubts go away. But the second I decide to open the door to the huge emotional wall I build up around you, I am reminded why I'm an ******* for putting myself in this situation.. You go silent most of the time. Then I usually have to say something bad so you can feel comfortable hurting me. At least that's how I see it.. Last night you told me you did value everything we have like me. There wasn't a but. This time the rejection came in your reactions instead of your words.. I told you I should be seeing someone else. You said you felt hurt tonight and sad bc u thought I was. I told you I bet you didn't care. You said you did and I said that makes no sense, you care just not enough to be with me. You said yeah.. Then I got so angry I playfully beat you up but it was actual aggression coming out. I got so mad at you. So mad that I want to be with you forever and you can't even work on us. Waste of feeling. Time. I ended up saying if you changed your mind about wanting to work on us I'd still be open bc I'm a fool for you.. You tell me you do. The first time I ask you you say I think so. Then I get sad and you see that and you say no I do. I don't wanna lose you. I go home. Today I text you first, I woke up excited hopeful even. I've been praying and I guess I thought god was bringing us together. That bc of last night things would be different today.. That you'd open up and let me in. Didn't happen. Of course not. I'm texting you pages flirting with you and you are being so distant and cold. I couldn't get out of bed. All of a sudden I am more broken than I was when this started because of the false hope I have given myself.. It's not fair to myself to do this.. My body and mind are so stressed and scared I might have cancer and all my heart wants to do is love you.. But yours won't love me back.. Maybe you have feelings but I don't feel love.. I feel like a puppy. Begging for affection and you throw me bones. Even w a slight label change things aren't different. They won't be. You leave for Europe in a few weeks and all we will have is phone communication. Ill be pouring into you and u will be retreating. Wha fun is that? I deserve happiness and I am doing this to myself at this point. Maybe last night was just to appease me. Maybe ill never understand, but I need to love myself enough to let go. And to give myself to people who love me back and SHOW it. As I'm writing this you text what have you been up to.. I'm so emotionally drained over you I can't even discuss anything. What's the point? It hurts me more. The silences.. You scrambling for new thoughts. It all adds up to the same thing and even when it ends in what I want to hear, I don't feel love. Even though you are saved in my phone as "friend" like a Freudian reminder to associate you w that term. I can't. I don't even feel like responding. But I know I will. Just dk what I will say..

[IAmFCA]

I dig you. you dig me. I scare you. you scare me. you scare you. I do not scare me. you want me presently. after all this time. it's not enough.

[Alone Now]

You graduate from the police academy today and even though you invited me, I will not attend. While I know I would be the only one there for you since your family is in North Carolina and will not be able to come down for the ceremony, I have to be just a phone call away for MW. My little man has been wearing the policeman outfit you got him for last Halloween the last few days expecting to go this afternoon; he will be disappointed. But J, I have to be true to myself and selfishly I need to be available should MW call and want to come over.

[wish9080]

I miss you. Moving forward is so hard now since summer is upon us. It seems like everywhere I go I remember a specific memory from the summer before. We had so many great memories and I was looking forward to making new ones with you. I hear you're getting drunk a lot and going out all the time. It seems those that are close to you can't even understand what's going on with you. I wish I could know what you were thinking, if you even think about me at all, but your silence these past 4 weeks speaks volumes.

[Hovak]

I miss you so much, I love you, I always will, I want to talk to you about my day, I want you to tell me what you are thinking, I want to hug you, I want you to talk to me

[RougeQueen]

Dear ex,

 

I am hurting. I can really, truly admit it to myself now 2 months after BU. I see now that for the last while I was in denial of what I was feeling and convinced myself that I wasn't really hurting about it because of what you did. I convinced myself that I would be stupid and weak to really be upset about being left by a guy who left me for someone else.

 

Well, I am NOT stupid and I am NOT weak for being upset. I am a living, breathing, caring, loving, feeling human being and I see now that there is no shame in this. It was my wounded pride that kept me from acknowledging this. I'm trying very hard to accept these feelings and just feel them so that one day they will be gone and healed and I can totally move on.

 

I'm crying as I write this. Did you know that this is the first time since we broke up that I've cried? I told myself that the reason I hadn't cried meant that I was mostly over it. Not the case. The fact I didn't cry was because I refused to acknowledge my pain and buried it under false bravado.

 

I still love you and I miss you everyday. There, I finally said it. There's something freeing about getting it out. It's like a damn broke inside me and I feel...relief, oddly enough. I'm not hiding anything from myself now.

 

I'm really hurt that you don't love me anymore and that you left me for someone else but I have to wonder if what you did was like I did. Burying your feelings and refusing to acknowledge them. You went into another relationship while I put up a mental barrier. Yes, I know that for the last 6 months to a year of us being together we'd both been distancing ourselves from the relationship, but unless you're a robot there are still feelings.

 

Sometimes I wish I knew if you thought about me but at the same time I know that it would serve no purpose if I did. You have this new gf now and one day I'm sure I will be happy for you. But not right now. Right now I want to focus purely on myself and my life.

 

I love you and I miss you but I believe that because I can admit that to myself I can finally begin healing for real now. I hope you have a good day

[chamachama]

I can't believe you sent me a picture of that "boy" you are dating tonight. What the f is wrong with you!?! You wanted my approval?!? Are you freaking kidding me?! I approve of us never ever contacting each other ever again. That is all. I was so stupid for talking to you last night. I was doing so well. Now I begin NC again only I will not break this time. You are gone. For good.

 

And this time DO NOT contact me again. Do not believe that if I have a gf that I will be your pal. I AM NOT YOUR PAL! I never was! And I never will be! This time our timeout last forever. Game over.

 

You have the blood of a reptile. I can't believe you sent me that and told me how great he is. I want to freaking vomit. I am in pain AGAIN! Dammit!

 

OMG you are so effing history from my life its not even funny. You will never ever speak to me again. Ever. Gone. Done Goodbye.

[Robin2904]

I used to think that every time you would come back to me, come back into my life it was because ultimately you still loved me and deep down inside realized it. I really really deluded myself into believing that, even up until this last time. But now I really don't think that anymore. I think you think I'm convenient, or easy. That I'm a good fall back and will always be there. The cycle is, date another girl, break up, feel vulnerable and need an ego boost...enter Robin. I think its safe to say that that's a pretty accurate depiction of what always goes down. And here it goes again. I figured out you and the girl you were dating probably broke up and there you go sniffing around me again. At first that stupid little girl inside of me was like 'Oh its because ultimately he loves me...' but then I'm like 'no dummy its because you're a backup to him'. I think I wanted to believe I meant more to you then I do, that I always have always will but I don't think that's true anymore. I think at one point, sure I did mean a great deal to you. And I do still think I 'got' you better then most, maybe that's why you always try to come back who knows.

 

I just feel like crap about things. I should never give you the opportunity to make me feel like crap. It should have been ME making YOU feel like crap! I should have stuck by my guns and never replied to you.

[Robin2904]

You know what....maybe I shouldn't just block you and let that be the end of things and not reply to you anymore. After all this, after YOU being the one to seek me out, then me being apprehensive and now you just acting like an a hole...I should just tell you off once and for all. I think that's what I want to do deep down inside but I never do because there is a small part of me that is always hopeful of the possibility of something down the road, but its got to end. There isn't going to be anything between us. I need to just get it all out. Because every time I reconnect with you and go see you for a while and we do this craaaay crap, I'm only postponing the chances of having a future with out you. Because then it takes me months to get over you, I get to that place and then BAM you're back. I can't do it anymore.

 

So you said you would call me tomorrow. Lets see. If you do, I'm going to get all my feelings out once and for all. Going to be extremely hard for me but I need to do it. And if you don't call I guess I'll text it, which is probably not the best thing to do but would probably be a lot easier on me honestly. I have this whole thing written out of all the tings I need to say to you once and for all. So lets see how this goes. Either way I'm going to be a mess...I've tried to do this before, never brought myself to it. Maybe ignoring would be the easier option, but then again I fail at that too....mehhh

[aseeker]

Wow, thanks loads for sending me that drawing I made for you (which didn't actually take that much work and was so much better than all the crap you gave me sometimes) all torn and ripped in little pieces. I took the time to send yours in perfect condition, because that's what a normal person does, but you actually wanted to hurt me. Guess what, I wasn't hurt, I've moved on. I was just shocked at how low you have stooped and how much energy you still spend trying to hurt me. It's pretty pathetic. Be sure to go to a psychologist because you're acting like a mental person.

 

If you don't want me, that's fine. I don't want you either. We're on the same page. So why won't you leave me alone? Why wouldn't you block me yourself, or stop talking to me? Why would you want to torture me? You are a monster and I should have taken your advice and never trusted you/loved you. I just got hurt. You're not good, to anyone, not even yourself.

 

Go ahead and badmouth me to all your/our friends and family. You're making a fool out of yourself for all the childish things you're doing. I blocked you on facebook at last, not out of spite but because there's no point in having you there anymore. I don't really care if you've moved on or not, to me you don't exist anymore. You're an evil person and I'm glad you let me go because I would have suffered so much with you. Could never be myself around you, now I can and I intend to find myself again.

 

Thanks for all the bad moments I had to go through; they make me appreciate the good ones when I experience them now. I'm doing everything differently from what I did with you in my new relationship. I realize I made a lot of mistakes, and yet I don't think I deserve what you did to me. I don't deserve that much hate. I'm just a human being, like you. I forgave you and all your crap, you should be able to find it in yourself to do the same with me. I feel sorry for you, because you have reverted back to stage zero while I'm trying to better myself and be a good person. I forgot about that while I was with you, because you only brought out the worst in me.

 

Thanks for being a jack***, moody, an idiot all the time for no actual reason. Thanks for never being able to accept my personality. Thanks for always managing to make me feel so bad, so guilty, so torn. Thanks for never really caring, I guess. Thanks for making me believe in everything I had already sheltered myself against. Thanks for bringing all my walls down so I could spend an eternity rebuilding them in tears. Thanks for deceiving me. Thanks for taking my heart and trampling it. Thanks for making me feel like I was to blame for everything.

 

Thanks for calling me fake, cold, and unfeeling. I wish I'd been more, so I wouldn't be hurting so much now.

[Balloonh8r1302]

After one month of us not being together, I still miss you tragically. Despite my best efforts to let go and move on with my life, I am still in love with you as much as I ever have been. I know in my mind you have already moved on and you love someone else now, but my heart is still telling me we could be together again one day. The other day I went out to that restaurant we took you to when you came over here (the one I took you to when we were at my work), and I could feel the memory of your presence right there. It took my best effort not to cry around my work mates. You told me you hated that place, but I had the time of my life there with you.

 

I know I messed up and you were right to break up with me. I don't fault you for anything. I failed you, and I accept that. I also accept that I will not be able to make it up to you. I will work on myself, learn from my mistakes, and try to be better for the next woman. I have accepted that we have no future together and I hope things work out between you and your boyfriend.

 

I want to be your friend. I do not want to be in love with you. I want to go back to where we were before this relationship business started. I want control of my emotions back. At the same time, I just want to reach out and give you a big hug and a kiss, but I don't want to want that anymore.

 

You have moved on, and I want to move on too. I am sorry for the last two years.

[RougeQueen]

Wow, talk about coincidence. I finally admitted to myself earlier today, after denying it for the last two months, that I still loved you and what happens? You text me this afternoon.

 

It started out as you asking me to hold onto an important letter that was going to be coming to my house for you. I told you I would, you thanked me, I thought that would be the end of it. You surprised me, though. You made an effort to continue the conversation. I was shocked! The few conversations we've had since BU have been short and curt and one of them was quite heated and ended in a horrible way. During this one we were civil and polite and we talked about work. It was both familiar and unfamiliar.

 

Reading over our conversation I can see how much things have changed. How we talk to each other differently. What's most strange to me is that I really think I'm okay with that. I know I have changed since BU so it stands to reason that you have too. Especially considering you're with another woman ha ha ha!

 

You ended the conversation by saying it was nice to talk to me. It was nice to talk to you too. Even though we are over, it's good to know that we can be civil. If I'm honest, it's also good to know that you do think of me. Even if it's only sometimes. It makes me think that maybe one day we really can be friends again. Probably not for awhile, because I still have some feelings to work out, but maybe someday.

 

The thing I miss the most about our relationship was being able to talk to you about anything. I will continue with NC and leave the ball in your court if you want to contact me. Out of respect for you as the dumper, for your new gf, but most importantly for myself.

[Ann15]

I think it's a great great idea. I just woke up, in the middle of the night, after this nightmare, where I am suddenly in his house (?!) and he brings another woman, she's all hapy, just a month after we broke up. Terrible, I don't want to know, even if he's having a thousand dates a month! I stopped contacting him, it's his loss, I know he wasn't worth my tears and 4 years I gave him, to this long-distance relationship. Does anybody have a similar experience?

[Alone Now]

I think it's a great great idea. I just woke up, in the middle of the night, after this nightmare, where I am suddenly in his house (?!) and he brings another woman, she's all hapy, just a month after we broke up. Terrible, I don't want to know, even if he's having a thousand dates a month! I stopped contacting him, it's his loss, I know he wasn't worth my tears and 4 years I gave him, to this long-distance relationship. Does anybody have a similar experience?

 

LD's are hard at best especially when you have the impression that he wasn't true to you the entire time. My LD is similiar Ann, he would come into town when we lived further apart for a couple of nights a month and would be there primarily for the sex. And then he would simply leave. He was smart enough to call every couple of days, but I always knew he had someone on the side but I didn't realize he had a wife. I was devestated at first and have come to accept that he is a weak knee'd coward and is trying to play us both off.

[chamachama]

I am so angry and upset. I never ever want to see you or hear from you again. I want to text you that but it will only make me look weak and validate you. Instead, I will keep this burning inside me and I will pull comfort from knowing that you are history in my life. You're gone. You don't get to ever speak to me again. Ever. That's all.

[IAmFCA]

argh. I should be hanging out with the three of you. and since that's out of the question, I am done. And I am not messaging you back. I'm sure I will eventually.

 

truth? if you asked me to play with you I would and i would know that they might say something to A and that would make me happy.

 

I have an actual real date with someone you think I dropped. he is cute and athletic and dynamic and possibly worth my attention and you were jealous. but hapless. I don't know enough to know how I feel, and I think he is not ready for anything substantive. so I am deciding not to date anyone else. I am busy being a better me.

 

I need to remember that you are still pursuing teaching, that you have chosen to stay here, that our path is unresolved. I need to remember to play for the end game. we are not over each other, whatever that means. with you,I think you need absence, you need withdrawal, you need self denial to discover what you want. I think it's a lifetime of shelving your feelings as a coping mechanism.

 

so, what may be obvious to you sometimes is just shoved in the corner.

 

I am onward. I am moving to a higher quality less dramatic pairing. I need to leave you behind to get where I am going.

[princeslondon]

I miss you today. I texted you today......and nothing. I'm such a fool. I'm glad it was about something important but getting no response when I know you have your phone with you constantly .....that hurt. I don't know whether you hate me (you said you never would) or whether you have been evaluating things over the last month and have realised that you don't want/need me in your life anymore. You don't even need to be polite.....or acknowledge me. That hurts, really hurts. Knowing you made a conscious decision to ignore me. I just miss you and I miss the days when I would of got a reply within 2 minutes. I guess that's what we are now. Strangers with memories .....like you said. Love you.

[meoww]

It was never my responsibility to be your plan B, emotional rock in case of emergencies, your punching bag, your housekeeper, and to be the person you could spread nasty rumors to your friends about....how I desperately loved you so much and how much I needed you, about how you felt so guilty and unsure about leaving me, when I never said you were the only one for me, when all I asked was for a normal relationship with someone who thought highly of me and enjoyed my company.

 

Instead, just like my parents, you refused to give me a normal relationship, instead, you wanted all my devotion and all my energy, and all my time so that my life would revolve around you and your problems and I could never live my own life. I had to plan all my calls around your schedule, if I wanted any face time with you I had to see if you were willing to pencil me in. I allowed you to criticize and judge everything about me, from my personality and appearance, my life decisions, and my painful past with my abusive parents.

 

I spent 100% of my time desperately trying to craft an identity you would approve of, when in truth, you were insatiable. Every effort I made, was just an excuse for you to criticize me and call me pathetic. If I tried to be smarter, then I was being too eager, and 'not being myself.' The last thing you wanted me to do was love myself for I who I was. That wasn't acceptable and you considered me an embarrassment, and you considered my existence a problem to be solved.

 

You had no respect for me. You would never treat anyone you look up to the way you treated me.

 

And every time I allowed you to treat me like a prostitute, therapist, or punching bag, you would look down on me even more. You are sick but that doesn't matter to me anymore. Whatever happens in your life, is just what happens.

 

Just because I'm still angry on some days doesn't mean I still love you or that I have loved you in a really long time. The last time I loved you was probably before that camping trip. Or I don't know, the last time anything was good was within one month or two months of that abusive relationship. So it wasn't really ever the real thing.

 

I guess you are taking time to reflect on your actions and trying to become a better person. That's my best guess. Honestly, I don't care that much because it has nothing to do with me.

 

seriously, it must seem like I still have feelings for you or something but I honestly DONT. I needed to preface what I'm about to say with that.

 

It's like it finally, finally it hit me. You never, ever called after we broke up. You made literally zero effort, like on a scale of one to 100, I'd say it was about anywhere from a 1 on a normal day, to a 15 on an unusual day. I just started to cry when I realized how much effort I put into something that you put pretty much nothing into at all.

 

It would be easier to get over it but since I saw on your fb that you seem to be pretty socially isolated now, I feel like you're suffering the consequences of your actions and it just makes it that much worse. I wish I could just write you off since you wrote me off from the beginning and that would be the healthy thing to do.

 

You made me feel as bad about myself as my parents do.

 

No one else has had that effect on me other than my parents.

 

I don't know why I used to let you treat me like such absolute garbage. I'm really thankful for the emotional distance between us.

 

but the pain of the double abandonment from both my parents and you was too much for me too handle.

 

I was literally broken for a while.

 

But when I put it all into perspective I really see how disempowering it is for you to have treated me that way.

 

I had an experience like that once, when I was 16. He didn't like me much at first, but I didn't know that I was super naive. So when I finally got the guy, and I realized I wanted to have fun and be single, the tables had turned. I was now the one with the power, and

 

what I thought initially was such a great prize seemed more and more pathetic as time went on. but I never told him that we were back together.

 

I had sex with him a few times but for the most part, I ignored him. I'd talk to him about other guys that I liked and was dating, even if it hurt him because I just didn't care what he thought.

 

But I still never pretended we would get back together

I never lied about my other sexual partners

I didn't connect with him emotionally

I didn't talk to him all the time, almost never.

I did hit him once actually though. when I found out he kissed a girl, finally after like 8 months. I was so mad, because she was so cute. it was weird being jealous about that when I didn't like him at all, I practically hated him.

 

So I guess it's not even the same.

 

You really are a special case...and I don't mean that in a good way. Not many would be willing to stoop to your level.

 

I'm glad that in the end, I came out looking a lot better than you do now.

Especially as we have all grown up, I think anyone would understand what you did to me and why that shows how weak you are.

 

but if you are that weak, then you really are a special case and I don't think I should be mad at someone who has that many problems.

 

It would be easier to write you off if it didn't seem like you regretted it...so I hope you have no regrets. because I certainly have none. I wouldn't have wanted to stay with you long term anyway.

 

Some days like this,

 

when I'm starting my period, I'm super bloated, super tired, super pissy about everything

I just wanted to get in your face

 

but yeah I'm just PMSing

I honestly hope you get better I feel sorry for you.

 

but just remember...love always fades. There is no one special love. That's not real. Marriage is kind of a joke if you ask me. So don't go around thinking we ever lost anything because that is so ****ing dumb on so many levels.

and if you really want that fake thing that people call love. knowing you're just as shallow as me, i would suggest you improve your personality and appearance because that will definitely increase your odds.

 

unless you really want to stay with her. if you can do that with integrity then kudos to you, you have created your own meaning.

if you are that strong, then that's great

someday i hope to meet someone who makes me feel strong enough to want to keep working on a relationship even after the excitement fades.

JUST TO BE SUPER CLEAR. it's not going to be you and it never was.

[Watergirl777]

OK so its been 2 weeks since you left and I'm heartbroken, not that you care right? After your 2 divorces I mean why would I mean anything to you, but how you didn't know me and I still love you! Yes, after all the **** and it breaks my heart that I'm suffering when my dad is terminal too! Why would you do this to me now? But you never really cared anyway! You're so cold to your own mother, I don't get that. You never posted me on Facebook, you cheated online, you were too busy even to make the effort to see a sick man. I hope you realize one day what you have done! I know its over, I know how cold you are, but I unlike you feel and I'll cry over you until I can't anymore. You hurt me so bad!

[meoww]

I definitely see the parallels between how your expectations for our relationship were very similar to my abuser's expectations. I knew there were some similarities but now it's really clear. She would pretend to be all for my personal growth and then do everything she could possibly to do to hinder that growth, and deny it if I actually confronted her about it. You did the same thing too, you would tell me that you thought I was a great person but, there was always just this one thing, or this one reason we couldn't be together, there was something wrong with me in your eyes.

 

If only I could fix that 'one thing' that was wrong with me then we could at least have a shot at being together, you would claim.

 

While the whole time, just like my abuser, you were concealing your own (well her case illegal activities), in your case, morally bankrupt behavior and constantly tearing me down without remorse, without seemingly any kind of self awareness.

 

And conveniently using my emotional distress as a cover and distraction for your own actions. Cold, calculating, emotionally distant and yet too close at the same time, if you sensed me starting to realize this charade was never going to end, you'd pull me in with insincere words because you knew at the time I'd take the smallest, most distant hope as bait.

 

That is EXACTLY what my abuser used to do to me.

and it used to work EVERY damn time

 

but I learned to break the cycle.

I don't let anybody get away with that anymore.

 

So I don't know how to feel about you. Should I pity you? should I want to kill you? Should I be indifferent?

 

Being indifferent is the easiest path for me in terms of just living a simple, happy life.

 

I learned how to cope and understand your actions by thinking and reflecting on the REAL TRUTH. It is hard to break free of your own ego and confront your most vulnerable characteristics. Every day I find a new way I'm deceiving myself and my self deception is always evolving to be a few steps ahead of me.

 

so I wonder sometimes if people really change in the end.

in the end, I can't change my past with you.

 

I was one of your victims

I am my mother's victim

 

and you were all successful in bringing me down and making me feel fundamentally worthless, unwanted by all, fundamentally unlovable.

 

You succeeded in making me feel like a complete outsider to all the good things about life, just the way my mother did my whole life. She made me feel like I could never have any of those things, really, because I was born cursed.

Cursed to meet people like you who could carry on her legacy and cursed to be reflecting on my abuse for the rest of my life.

And no matter how much I struggled or wanted something better, I could never have it because I am doomed.

 

but I don't think any god would care about someone as insignificant and as small and lacking in power as me.

Personally, I like to talk myself up and I think I'm such a cute little critter but I don't think that god could possibly hate me that much right?

I don't know where the line is between pride and self love

 

because in my house

 

My abusive mother would always tell me that anything, absolutely anything positive that made me happy was basically a sin that sending me straight to hell.

So you seemed like the perfect boyfriend because with you, nothing was easy

I always felt bad about myself the way I was taught to feel.

 

It's hard to have enough faith to be positive when I feel like the wrath of god is manifesting in own mother. That she is doing the work of an angry god. At the end of the day, who could refute that?

Claiming otherwise would only make me: lazy, avoidant, immature, afraid of the real truth

What if I had given her what she claimed to want from me?

I did, I asked her complete forgiveness at my lowest point. My weakest point. I begged her to forgive me so that we could start again and have a loving relationship.

 

Does that sound familiar? because it sounds eerily similar to the way our conversations would go.

 

I don't know what that makes you.

You hurt me on purpose, believe it or not. Just because you say you didn't, doesn't mean that you didn't. I'm sure you'll realize the way you set up our interactions so that you could continue to find a justification for why I was good enough to love sometimes, to **** sometimes, to have long conversations with, to give false hope to, but ultimately always find a reason why we weren't good together, a reason that somehow always seemed to have something to do with what I was lacking.

 

Do I finally feel differently?

Do I finally feel like this is no longer a wound that seems to get reinfected every now and then?

[meoww]

We are still young enough that it doesn't seem like a such big deal for you to be fundamentally critical and negative, for you to project your unhappiness and insecurity out on to your partners. But as we age, it's not going to be pretty. I just imagine a life of hardship and suffering in store for you if there are similarities between your current relationship and ours.

 

Even though you acted a lot like my abusive mother, at this point, it's unclear if you'll turn out like her.

 

But it breaks my heart to think about your fiancee and how she could turn out to be a broken person at the end of all this. Even though I don't care if you have grown up to be an abuser, it really hurts my heart to think about how that is going to traumatize her for years to come, especially if you really do get married.

 

She seems co dependent, but that's just a fleeting observation since I don't know either of you.

 

Then I imagine a child being born into a situation like that and it's pretty devastating.

 

I know that your parents made you feel, similarly to mine, that anything that makes you feel good can't be right. but I really hope realize thats not true.

 

When we're young, dysfunctional relationships get minimized but in truth, I think it's always important to be with people who treat you well, respect you and make you feel like you belong.

 

I didn't realize that myself until today. I always thought, oh I always have more time to become a better person when it always matters.

 

I know that when you lied to me constantly and consistently, you triggered the part of me that feels unlovable.

So I wanted your approval.

Parental rejection is of course my fundamental reason for feeling so much sadness and grief and why I was unable to see what real life was really all about.

You validated my worst fears about myself, you stimulated the worst part of me.

 

I do see the good in you and the good in my own abusive mother.

But like I said, it matters that you're not living up to your potential as a person.

 

I have to say that of myself too.

Even if I'm not an abuser like you guys, I reap what I sow too.

 

But anyway, that's where I am at in terms of both of you. Everyone has good and bad in them. It's up to the individual to get the ball rolling on positive change. It is my responsibility to accept and forgive you if you ask for forgiveness.

 

but just like with my mother, it is hard to forgive someone who doesn't even ask for your forgiveness.

Do you want my forgiveness and love? not romantic but my general love for humanity love

I can give you that today, even if you don't ask for it, because I trust my general intuition

 

that we all have free will to exercise and that like a muscle, the less we exercise it, the more it atrophies

just the way our brains and bodies are pretty much the same thing

just as cancer has a cause, mental illness has cause, external and internal

 

Now we're older and your life isn't just something you look back and laugh at. like we did about being children

So far, it doesn't seem like you're going to get better

i would help you since im out of that horrible place but im too scared to go back

and there are too many fun and exciting things to do on the other side

 

did you know that it is estimated that 1 in 5 adults were abused as kids

as far as what I saw from your parents

they were abusive and they hurt you all the time

i didn't trust my intuition about that

 

im sorry that we all come from such places of pain

 

i absolutely know that shutting people isn't good for anybody

 

ill be braver and learn to deal with the messiness of life

even though at times my abusive mother may have made things much messier than they needed to be

created strange situations between my family members and me

I just have to let it all go

and realize that it is the best interests of everyone, including me

to just be happy and love everyone

 

so good luck

i know i directed and continue to direct too much hatred toward you. it's just taking me a long time to figure out how to cope.

[Alone Now]

I enjoyed our time together MW but it ended all too briefly and now I guess it is time for you to go back into hiding. You told me that you would leave her for me but there is no evidence to suggest you will. But you know what MW? I don't care, I gave up NG for you even though he is still trying to call me and I respond to his calls just to make sure I have some male contact.

 

J graduated from the police academy first in his class so I'm told and I'm sorry I wasn't there to cheer him on, but like I said before, if I get to spend even an hour with MW then I will take it. I feel a little bit bad that no one was there for J's graduation because of his mom's health (she was recently diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, ironic how my female best friend died of the exact same thing, and now my male best friend has a relative dying of the same,so I wonder how J's mom is going to manage) and the simple fact that they live in North Carolina, but I have to do what I have to do to make me happy and to help me feel like a woman. So J was all alone when his name was announced; that's OK, it wasn't my job to be there.. J will always be around for when I need him, to help pick up the pieces when my heart is broken. It is nice to know I don't have to worry about that. A couple of nicely worded phone calls and he will get sucked back into my vortex (someone elses words not mine) and all will be right with the world. Am I using J? I don't know, but I do know he will forever be there when I need him or want to have some fun.

 

MW is a little tougher because of his current living situation. But like J, I will always be there for MW. "Just a phone call away" as they say. Knowing this and accepting it makes it a less bitter pill to swollow. But I am being selfish and I'm OK with that.

 

NG will also be kept in my stable because I like the attention he pays me. Again, I am being selfish and again I really don't care. He is a fun distraction when MW is unavailable and J is out being a cop.

 

As for my little man, this is all very confusing to him and like I said, I am now going to become very selfish when it comes to men. Lucky for me, little man heads to Maryland to spend time with his dad. That gives me two months to sow my oats, to discover myself and to have FUN!

 

I thought and fought about not seeing anyone for a while, six months in fact, but the more I read on this blog the more I am convinced that I was the only one who thought seriously about celibacy and according to several people like ITIC, meow, and a couple of other new pm friends, I was being stupid thinking that working on myself would help. Why bother I decided. I'll never get over MW and so I might as well deal with it and keep seeing him as his chick on the side. NG fills in the blanks and because he is so cute, I can see enjoying the beach, drinks and many a night in the sack, just because I can. J isn't going anywhere because he is a friend and I know I can sweet talk him into doing whatever I want and whenever I want. It's great to know that J is becoming a comfortable lap dog for me. It's fun!

 

Bring it on summer!

[Alex384]

Even after all the hurt you've caused me and your shocking ability to move on so quick. I don't know why this has happened or why your so happy to rub it in my face. I want to let go of you and never see or here from you again. Unfortunately in my heart i still love you more than ever, I miss you

[iam42]

i am having a hard day today. i have dreamed about you for the past two nights. i miss you very very much. you were so incredibly dear to me -- just the nicest, most sophisticated, must sensitive, most intriguing, most delicious man. i wish we had never dated. i would have so preferred to get as close to you as possible as friends and then just have my own little crush than to lose you entirely. we are not emotionally safe for each other. our breakup was atrocious, so uncivilized, so unkind. LDR's are all about anxiety and anticipation. i remained faithful to you. i had waited months for a hug from you, so looked forward to telling my stories to your face unmediated by a computer screen. i so looked forward to toasting the other's birthday. it's not the breakup that hurts so much. it's that it happened days before i was scheduled to board a plane to come see you. and even though i asked you three times on email and phone to just talk in person, you insisted on calling and complaining until we were just done.

 

it took me two weeks to unpack the suitcase i had just begun to pack. i didn't go to my professional conference that had been scheduled months in advance. i hid for weeks from coworkers who might ask about our visit. i have cried nearly every day for months trying to understand how someone who was so dear to me could treat me this way. i remember that i had that nightmare in which you dumped me in front of all your friends and wouldn't talk to me after. i told you about that dream and you were so sorry just that i had had it. but during our last conversation, i had to face that you were planning to never see me and possibly to never speak to me again in life. how do i forgive you for that? how do i forgive myself for coming to love you so deeply and to regard you so highly when in the end you pushed me out of your world abruptly and without even an embrace? i have not heard your voice since.

 

sometimes even the nicest man is not a nice man...