Time to have a talk...

[aldridal]

So, I decided it's time to talk to my gf about some of my insecurity/anxiety issues. Not in a bad way, but I know I've made some of them obvious over time, and I think it's fair for her to know where I'm coming from.

 

My past relationship gave me deep trust issues, and has also given me a huge fear of being hurt again. Because of this, I'll look for any sign that my gf is no longer interested in me, and coax her into giving me responses that I want to hear that will reassure me.

 

This, of course, is not fair, and I am working hard at fixing these problems. But I also think it's not fair to hide some of these things from her. I think, in an effort for her to get to know me better, she needs to know why I have these trust issues, and that while I trust her more than I've trusted anybody in a long time, my anxiety issues stem from my past, and when I go into "panic mode", I do things that I regret almost immediately after. Such as texting too much, asking her to do something all the time, fishing for compliments, etc...

 

This is not who I want to be, and this is not who I was in my last relationship. In fact, this is not who I was until I started dating again, and all of the sudden all of my fears just cropped up on me and completely took me by surprise. I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to work through these, I need somebody to talk to about them, and who better than the person who I'm affecting the most?

 

Is it OK to talk to your SO about these sorts of things? We've been dating for 4 and a half months, and haven't ever really talked about our past. She knows I was in an LTR that ended with my ex cheating on me, but I haven't really talked about the affect it left on me after that.

 

So, good idea, or bad idea?

[beautifulbreakdown]

I think it's a really good idea.

You sound like my boyfriend.

He has deep insecurities and "I'll look for any sign that my gf is no longer interested in me, and coax her into giving me responses that I want to hear that will reassure me." that reminded me of him.

You should definitely talk to her about it.

She will appreciate it and it will bring you two closer.

 

[_Asti_]

I think it depends on the type of relationship you have with her, or better yet...what kind of relationship you hope to have with her.

 

Has she noticed some of these beheaviours, or anxieties of yours? As in, have they created problems for you/her?

 

I am all for communication and talking about things...but just be careful in how much and how often you bring these insecurities up with her.

It's not her job to fix you and your insecurities, so putting alot of emphasis on it may eventually create a burden on her if she ends up feeling like she's doing too much..or more than a partner should.

But with that being said, she could also certainly help with your insecurities. If she knows the root of certain behaviours it opens the door for clear communication.

 

I think that a certain type of conversation would be good, but keep it light for now.

Insecurities are hard to deal with, and its not a partners responsibilities to fix them, but they can certainly help or try and be supportive and understanding.

She shouldn't be your therapist, not at 4 months of dating.

 

So if you see some of these behaviours interfering, or coming up and you think there are things she can do to assist you, in terms of words or actions, simple things, then I would open the lines of communication in how she can help you, and why you are doing certain things.

 

But I think I would keep the insecurity talks very light and to a mininum, until you can see how she reacts and responds. For alot of people, insecurities are tiring and draining, and not for anyone else to fix, but yourself.

[aldridal]

Thanks! I really hope so. I wasn't like this in my last relationship, but for some reason I am now. I think it's only fair for her, because I know from time to time I come off as very clingy. I was first attracted to her because of how independent, yet reliable she is. I shouldn't take everything so negatively, and it's something I've been working on. It's just a process.

 

Hopefully this does bring us closer!

[aldridal]

That's the thing - they're interfering for me. I'm not planning on laying anything on her. Just explaining that the past relationship really burned me, and has caused some hesitation about things on my part.

 

Basically, I want to apologize for being clingy-ish at times, and reinforce things such as how much I like her independence, and how when sometimes I text/call too much, it's not that I'm trying to check up on her or anything, but rather just kinda "tweaking out" a little bit. These are not her issues to work on, but rather they are mine. I'm improving, but I think it's fair for her to know a few of the things I'm going through.

 

Definitely not going to make it heavy. Just kind of talk about some things that have been on my mind, and communicate things a little more clearly.

[_Asti_]

Then I say go for it.

Its always good to understand your partner.

But you do need to find a way to control it and get over it though.

Its one thing to tell your partner that yes, I call you excessively because I'm insecure, but another thing to not do anything about it. And I think thats where you come into play on working on yourself to get over these insecurities, because there is only so much she can do to help...the rest lies within you.

[aldridal]

Then I say go for it.

Its always good to understand your partner.

But you do need to find a way to control it and get over it though.

Its one thing to tell your partner that yes, I call you excessively because I'm insecure, but another thing to not do anything about it. And I think thats where you come into play on working on yourself to get over these insecurities, because there is only so much she can do to help...the rest lies within you.

 

Appreciate the comments.

 

And I really do work at controlling it. Most of the time, I'm good about it. Just every once in a while - I'd say every other week or so, I have an "episode" where if she'll say she's busy, I take that as a "Holy crap she's not interested in me!" so I will do something like ask her to do something on like three different days.

 

Tweaky, I know. I've kinda mentioned stuff in the past, like, "sorry I've been kinda weird today..." and she'll respond with, "What? I never thought you were being weird..."

 

But still, I feel it, and I don't know how much longer I can keep some of this stuff in. I think it's best that she knows why every once in a while I get a little excessive. She's great, and needs to know it's not her. But at the same time, she needs to know I'm working on getting these things fixed, and that I'm improving daily.

[Just_14]

Hey adridal, Me too is having insecuty issues.. i can totally identify with you when the 'tweaking out' period comes out especially when i am in LDR, it is a much tougher issueto handle on my part. and worse thing is,pretty often we argue about this. i'm sick of myself being this way, but hey,i'm trying and things are just still this way. my gal feels she is being caged up and is worse than her mom! sighs.