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hey all, just looking for some support here...


im gonna see my ex again either tomorrow or thursday, probably only for a few minutes. she's going to give me back keys to storage where i put her stuff after i found out she was in a new relationship. we met up like 2 weeks ago, that was the first time i saw her in 3.5 months. we exchanged keys then (she still had my apartment keys). during the meeting, she started crying and it seemed like i had my emotions more under control than she did. I still very much like her but i'm not going to be doing any chasing while she's in another relationship (which doesnt seem fated to last, she seemed to jump into it pretty quick... but you never know. they've been together for about 3 months now). I am definetly not going to mention the past at all and try to be upbeat and interested.


They'll be no reason for us to contact each other after this. I would love a second chance with this girl. I still feel a strong connection to her (together 3.5 years - i'm 26, she's 24. broke up 9 months ago or so, not because of cheating or anything like that)... any words of advice/encouragement would be appreciate. thanks!

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during the meeting, she started crying and it seemed like i had my emotions more under control than she did.


Hi Larry,


Being nosy here, but also looking for a little more insight - why did she cry? Did she bring up the past at all and if so what did she say?


After you see her this time, do you want to create an opportunity to be in touch still....is friends an option for you to broach with her?

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Hi Lilacs,


she cried because she asked me why i had moved the old bed she had given me for us to share 2 years ago. I told her that at the time i had promised her i would never be with anyone else on that bed and i was going to keep that promise (but mainly it was for me so i wouldn't think about her when i slept.. not really good to sleep on your exes bed when you're trying to get over her). she started crying, i said i'm sorry to which she shook her head a little, i took it as a sign that she thought i wasn't at fault (?) and said i forgive her and left it at that. we talked a little more after that and generally had a good chat, it seemed a little natural after the first few awkward moments.


I don't know what i think about being friends with her while she's in this relationship. I don't want to be friendzoned but i do, obviously, want to act as mature as possible. So i'm not really sure how to approach the situation. I would love for her to be a bigger (existent) part of my life but, since i do want her back, not sure if i want to be "just friends" just yet.. what do you think?

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..and its official, i'll be seeing her tonight.


i'm going to see how the situation unfolds. I want her to know that i harbor absolutely no hard feelings towards her.. hopefully she'll see that through my actions and speech. i was thinking about saying "hopefully i'll get to see you again sometime... till then" or something like that before we part.

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You sound like you have accepted the situation which is good for your psyche. And you have forgiven her which is also good. You can't reconcile if you are resentful or bitter, IMO. I don't know if she is serious with the other guy so I'm not sure if now is realistic that you will reconcile. If you want to be in her life, you can tell her that. The friend zone is a tough one. I think you become friends first and then lovers again if it was meant to be. But be sure if you do decide to be her friend that you are not doing it just to be waiting for a reconciliation. If you do that, you will get frustrated pretty quickly. I wish you luck tonight.

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Thanks guys... the meeting was moved to thursday (she couldn't make it). I missed her phone call so she left a message. very plain, business like, nothing out of the ordinary. just saying thursday would be better. I texted her telling her to call when she's free then...


so no new developments today. I dont know if there's anything i can/want to do while she's with someone else. I'm not sure at all how to show that i'd like a second chance without seeming desperate or being a back up plan for her. I'll take it minute by minute. I dont know if her feelings for me will ever return or at least show themselves to me. I feel like i've done pretty much everything i can as far as healing is concerned on my end. I just hope that in time we'll be able to have a heart felt conversation.


The more i think about it the more i feel like i should keep on healing until a.) she's single again and there are some signs of communication or b.) i feel like i'm ready to date again without comparing them to her. Only in the latter scenario do i truly feel like we could develop a committed friendship. Not sure i can be friends with her till then. what do you guys think?


also, what do you guys think i should do/say at the goodbye stage of our conversation on thursday? anything? thanks!

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Larry, There are a lot of theories about what to do in the situation where the ex is with someone else. For me it is a clear sign that they have moved on and so I try to do the same. I can be friends with my ex and I'm ok with that. There are a lot of people who feel like if you do that then you give the ex the best of both worlds: your familiarity and companionship while they still get something new and exciting. So the friendzone can be good in some situations but not so good in others, depending on the individuals involved. So you might be right in that you are not ready to be friends if you still want to get back with her. It might hurt too much to hear about her new relationship.


I would just say something like, I wish you the best in your relationship and your life, and leave it at that. By telling her that you will be there for her or she can count on you or something like that will make her feel like you are her safety net. You can tell her whatever you want but you just need to understand how it might be perceived by her. If you want her to count on you, then she might do just that and only that. That's ok if you are ok with it. Just decide what you can tolerate and tailor your goodbye to that. You'll do great!

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Thanks Lilly,


I dont know if i'm ready to be friends, that remains to be seen... I've been thinking about it all for a while now (obviously) and it seems pretty natural, how the whole thing played out. we are young, i'm 26 and shes 24 (her new bf is 21). It strange how all these emotions and reactions are in almost uncontrollable, predictable cycle of need and hurt. I'm trying, and i think i've been pretty good, to get myself out of the cycle. her being with someone else really broke the cycle for me, forced me to move on.


I think her being with someone, for whatever reason, was necessary for my emotions to stabilize. young people, for the most part, are more emotion driven (so i've noticed on this board) and run to whatever piques they're fancy to get out of sad situations. This is what happened when my ex ran to someone else's arms. They're honeymoon stage is probably over by now (3.5 months)... i'd love to give it another go, so we'll see.. dont think i'll make any moves though until/if she's single.

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well, it went allright . . . i was a little bit more nervous than i ought to have been but it wasnt as fast as last time. she gave me a ride in her new car, stepped in to see my new place, ate some food. we talked, just random things. we ended with a hug and an i'll talk to you later. didnt go amazing, but it didnt go bad.


there's a hole in the wall of our distance now, here's to the hope it become's a doorway. somehow, sometime down the line.

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