..to whom it may concern...

[kalikat]

So - yeah - things have not been going so well. Have you ever had those days when you feel like you are being tested? Your faith, Your strength? Your ability to just function?

Thats what it has been like, but not just one day. this has been going on for about 8 days now. Money issues, health, job, you name it. And just when you think it couldn't get any worse - BAM! Car Accident.

I am fine and my car has nothing more than a small scratch. But I rear-ended the car in front of me, who in turn flew accross the 2 lane road into a car parked in a parking lot on the other side. And why did I rear end the other car? BECAUSE SHE HAD SUDDENLY STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TO MAKE AN ILLEGAL LEFT TURN! Her plan had been to turn left (driving over the sidewalk) into that same parking lot to nab a spot before someone else took it. So she stopped. And there was not enough room to go around her. So my driver side front bumper hit her passenger side rear bumper. Which sent her car flying accross... well you know the rest.

There was no driveway - nothing for her to turn into. Yet when I mentioned that to the cop that wrote the report, he said "yeah - but people turn there all the time".

But that doesn't make it okay - right?? He didn't get it. ugh!!

[kalikat]

These past few weeks have been the ABSOLUTE most trying, difficult weeks of my life. No QUESTION. I have felt stress as never before. Massive amounts of self doubt and self loathing. Seemed as if I was hitting walls no matter what direction I went.

 

Don't want to relive each and every detail - but basically it revolves around money, business, getting foreclosure notices, arguments with my supervisors at work, etc....

on top of that,realizing just how alone I am - No one to talk thru the bad stuff with. Heck - I realized that from the end of the work day on Friday until I return to work on Monday, the only conversations I have are with my dog. Sadly, that is not a joke or an exaggeration. Just pathetic truth.

 

I have been closer to suicide these past weeks than ever before. I had thought about it in the past, but knew I would never take action.

This time, my thoughts were about the steps I would need to take to not leave everything a mess.

The difference also this time was the feeling of failure. IF I had not been able to find a way thru all the money, foreclosure BS, the shame of failing and losing everything was more than I could have handled.

LUCKILY - I have found a way to overcome the bank BS, and hopefully to get back on top of everything. It is all still in process, but at least I have a path to follow. There is a glimmer of hope, and as long as I stay on the path I should be okay.

But I amazed myself - because once upon a time suicide would have never ever been an option.

And for a little while last week, it seemed like the only one.

[kalikat]

moving forward - little by little.

still struggling with money & stuff, but most of those other nasty thoughts have gone away.

 

Even so -

Miss being closer to my daughter, Huge love/hate thing with my job. Just started summer break, and I am already searching want ads for something new. But geez! how many more times can I do this???? I am just exhausted, really. want to get off the treadmill & just enjoy life.

and I just don't see it happening anytime soon (sigh)....

[kalikat]

AND...I'm back!

It's hard to believe that I started writing in here almost 10 years ago. Going back and reading thru some of my earliest entries - wow! It reminded me just how much pain I had been feeling, and how hopeless everything seemed. But it also made me realize just how strong I really am. I have gone thru my share of difficult times, things that I thought would destroy me. Yet somehow I keep moving forward.

 

Without a doubt, my life experiences have changed me. And not necessarily in a good way. There is emotional scar tissue that has grown thick around my heart & my brain. It's something I acknowledge, and even though it isn't how I want to to be, I understand why it exists. It's like the thorns that grow on a rose bush. They are there to protect the flowers. Even if it means that nothing can get close enough to see the beauty of the actual rose. And the older the rose bush gets, the thorns get bigger and thicker. Make sense?

Anyway -

Lots of changes in my life. Changed location, left my previous job, will get into all that over the next few days. But still alone - which is simply a reality at this point. It's been 9 years since I have had an actual "relationship". And about 4 years since I've even had a "date". The older I get, the more I have to accept the fact that this is now my life.