..to whom it may concern...

[kalikat]

"....AND SHE'S BACK..."

Wow - so glad to be able to come right back to where I had left off, This will give me a chance to re-read what I have written & see what there is for me to learn.

 

Life has been an absolute roller coaster. And right now I'm on that last blind curve heading towards that enormous drop at the end (at least that is how it feels).

But - before I get into the meat of the story, I am going to take a day to read, re-read, and get some clarity. Tomorrow we start again. Love you all. Thanks for always being here. Kali -

[kalikat]

Just realized that it has been almost exactly one year since I had previously written. So many things have happened. And, not so surprising, the issues that I was dealing with then are the things I am still dealing with now. But they have definitely evolved...

One at a time...

 

First - my job. My "oh so perfect for me" job. Turned into a not at all perfect situation. This was with a charter school which proclaimed themselves to be an "Arts Academy".

For an entire year, I broke my back for them. I worked 30 to 60 hours a week, for part time salary. I produced the biggest show they had ever done. And pulled it off without a hitch, And brought in over $10,000 in revenue, just from that one show! I also was able to bring in an additional $5000 in grant money, and started building their reputation as a true Arts school. I really thought that I had found my niche.

And at the end of the year, they decided to not renew my contract...WHAT???

 

Their thinking was that now that I had shown them how to get things going, they could handle it all on their own, and save the pittance of salary they were paying me.

After talking to a few of my teacher friends, I understood that such are the ways of charter schools. underneath it all, it boils down to the almighty dollar.

 

SO - once again I have been sending out applications to schools on almost a daily basis. No teaching jobs yet. Not even an interview. In the meantime I have been picking up crew jobs with local entertainment venues. I enjoy these jobs, but they are few and far between. I have a gig for Christmas, but come January 6th...?

[kalikat]

Okay - moving on to the next issue: relationship

 

Way back when, I had written about an old friend that had resurfaced. We got along well. But his kids were in Idaho, and he wanted to be near them. Well, this whole thing turned into what is nothing short of a nightmare.

 

TO make a long story short - over the last year, he has:

* Gotten arrested on a felony DUI

*Asked me to post the bail, and then proceeded to skip town once I did

*Was picked back up, served a few months time & is now out on parole

* Tried to commit suicide TWICE

*has become so totally obsessed with me, so much so that I now think of him as my "stalker"

*He even "friended" some of my friends on facebook, and began spreading vicious lies about me when I refused to be his "girlfriend"

I have had days where he has called me over 25times within a 2hour period. I would get home to find him hanging out in my backyard playing with my dogs. He has gone through my email, and has even shown up to places I never told him I would be. He even showed up on a date I had (That guy will never call me again!).

I have had to add padlocks to all the gates around my house. I feel like I am constantly being watched. I have told him straight out that if he doesnt leave me alone, I will call the cops & that will not be good for his parole. So we shall see. Right now (like in the past few days) he seems to have mellowed out a bit. I hope he just stays away.

Sad, really. Cuz before all the craziness, I enjoyed hanging out with him. I had no idea how bad things would get.

[kalikat]

I've been doing all I can to avoid the fact that it is the holiday season. But I know it is something I cant escape.

This time of year always has such an effect on me. Once upon a time, it really was the most wonderful time of the year.

So blessed to have such a huge number of aunts & uncles and cousins. ANd whatever else was going on, they all eventually would end up at my parents house. Never really planned - just an unspoken tradition with us. Incredible food, the sound of laughter, conversation and music all around. Never less than 50 or 60 of our closest relatives (really!). Even on the Christmas day that my beautiful daughter was born, they were all at my parents home awaiting her birth.

 

But over the past 15 to 20 years, many of these people (including my parents) have past on. And this Christmas, I will be completely alone. My daughter will be celebrating her 22nd birthday with her girlfriends in Vegas. My sister and I still are not speaking.

So I have offered to work on christmas eve & christmas day, just to stay busy. And for the first time ever, I've decided to not get a tree.

I'm just hoping I can get thru the month without falling into the deep caves of depression

[kalikat]

Starting a new year - trying to stay positive, but not having much luck.

bittersweet day today. Last day of work for me. Good cuz I need a break from the daily drama it has become. bad cuz I have nothing new lined up yet. Close to freaking out about financial situation. seems like every penny I made on this job has gotten spent on insurance, taxes, etc. hope to have enough left over to pay my mortgage this month. Jobs are scarce. no idea where the next part of this journey will take me

[kalikat]

Still looking for work - no luck yet. the upside is that it looks like unemployment will kick back in for a few months at least.

This is the hardest part of being a "creative" (as we are now called). I have tried many times to "conform" to the norm. I have had my share of 9 - 5 office jobs, worked in real estate, finance, even at city hall. but it just doesn't do it for me.

Trust me, if something like that presents itself, I will take the job. But I wont be happy. just functioning.

I'm a person that needs to be creative, in any capacity. I am an artist, an actor, singer, dancer, etc. I can work on stage or backstage. that is the life I want to have. Spent so much of my life trying to please everyone else (mom, dad, sis, etc.). now mom & dad are gone, & sis is not an issue. so nothing is in my way - except $$$ concerns.

This time I want to be true to myself. If I had done that from day one, I surely would be a lot happier than I find myself now. And a lot more embedded in a career path.

now its more like"what do I want to be when I grow up.

 

On another note, stalker problem has been taken care of. He went & got himself arrested (again) for parole violation. I knew it would just be a matter of time.

regardless, I am no longer worried about him appearing at my house

[kalikat]

My dad passed away ten years ago (Feb. 16th). My mom passed 5 years ago. She suffered a massive stroke two weeks after dad passed away, and she never came back to us after that.

My uncle passed a year ago (Jan. 16th).

It is really a strange thing in my family. Maybe because there are so many of us. When there is a death, it is almost always followed by many more. Back in 1981, Eleven people passed away. we were going to funerals at least once a month all year long. The year my dad died, there were 6 more. Five my moms year, and five last year. Many were older (80+) but some were young, too.

And in my family, people seem to die on other significant days. For example...

My dad passed away on presidents day. My uncle on MLK day. My mom on Election day 2008.

One of my aunts passed on mothers day. another aunt AND my Grandmother both passed away on January 25th - which happens to also be my moms birthday.

I think I am overly aware of these anomalies because the day I was born was exactly forty years after my grandfather had put a gun to his head and killed himself.

[kalikat]

Okay- that dark cloud has passed. I always get very sullen & out of touch this time of year. But it always gets better.

 

Still no work (sigh). really frustrating. I try to send out at least 3 apps a week. What really gets to me is that, 8 out of 10 of those dont get any response. Not even an automated message. Technology has really remived the need for any employers to say "no" to applicants. They pick one to say yes to, and the rest of us dont exist. Honestly, I would prefer a "no thank you" over this total silence. leaves you wondering if they received your app or not. And how far are you supposed to push? Most ads say no phone calls, so if you had a chance, but you call to check, you can ruin your chance of getting hired.

this is exhausting. wish I could talk myself into enjoying this free time. instead, I am stressing every day.

oh well - as mom used to say " Lo que conviene, sucede" (what is supposed to happen, will happen). I just need to give myself a bit of a break.

[kalikat]

Two more months have passed, and still no job. But things arent as bleak as they seemed before.

I realized that I needed to expand my searches, so I sent applications to jobs from San Francisco to San Diego. I had a "meet & greet" with one SF based, and tomorrow I am driving up to central Ca for a panel interview with another. and, of course, as soon as I stopped looking so vehemently in my area, I stumbled accross a job that I am sending an app to as well- less than 10 minutes from home!

So here's the thing: I am getting a bit nervous. Believe it or not, I have lived in the same city my entire life. went to college here, Had my daughter here. It is strange to me to think of being somewhere different. but at the same time, its kind of refreshing.

One side of me hopes I get the job up north, but the other side hopes and prays something comes through right here.

Will update when I return in about a week.

[kalikat]

Getting ready to drive up north for my 2nd interview at a high school. very mixed feelings. but I have to focus - do my best. If the offer comes, then I will figure out what I really want to do. No use debating with myself over something that isnt even on the table yet.

[kalikat]

Okay -

 

It has been 10 days since I drove up to do the demo lesson. I have heard nothing from the school. In my head, that means they have chosen someone else. Which means many things right now:

* I spent over $500 (hotel/rental car/etc.).

* still have no job

*one more rejection to deal with.

It is impossible for me to not feel like an absolute failure. Yet the world dictates that you must pick yourself up & try again. You don't have any idea how many times I have done this.

I try to keep a positive attitude, but it is getting harder and harder. people calling me for money left and right.

And get this -

Today I received a letter from the unemployment office, saying that my available funds on my claim now equal Zero, even though the same letter says that my claim is valid thru July 6th. it says that I qualify for an extension, but that wont begin until the end of June. So for this next month there is no money coming in. On top of the excess I had to spend for this interview. See that - it seems to be nipping at me from both sides now.

which is most likely why I am still awake at 2AM.

 

I know - tomorrow is another day. And I have already resumed the job search stuff. But I am so tired of this. I just want this be decided already. So I can stop worrying about every cent. So I can plan for some sort of future.

[kalikat]

no word yet about the job.

feeling depressed. but with a splash of listlessness & hot flashes. believe that monster they called menopause is knocking at the door...

[kalikat]

As expected - got the negative response from school re teaching job. On top of that, received 2 more rejection letters from 2 other employers. all 3 were viable positions for me. Nothing outside of my scope of knowledge. In fact VERY qualified for these jobs. Why then does no one want me? Am I doing something wrong? Have requested debriefing from all 3, but of course no one takes the time to do that. They found what they wanted, and everyone else can go to hell.

Spent the last hour trying to figure out how to make the cash I have left in the bank cover my mortgages, utilities, etc.

Even if I don't eat this month, I cant cover my base expenses. unemployment checks suspended for at least another 10 days, til I go in for my appt with them.

SO what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

[kalikat]

hanging once again in a frozen state of limbo. Waiting for one school to call me with a yes or no answer. waiting is excruciating. Mostly because until I hear their decision, I can not commit to any other projects. Also the fact that school starts back up in about 7 weeks, and I dont know if I have to find a place to live, rent out my house here, etc (this position I am waiting to hear about is 600 miles away from where I live now).

So I wait and wait and wait. Think best thing to do would be to give them til Monday & if I here nothing, I move on with whatever the next plan is.

 

You would think that these people understand the time & planning a move like this takes.

oh well. deep breath in slow breath out. and patience - lots of it

[kalikat]

One Month Later...

I have now moved into an accelerated state of limbo.

Good and bad(ish).

 

I did get a job offer from a school oh so very far away. Not the original school, but this new position is even better - which I am very excited about.

But - like so many things - I did not receive the job offer until the end of last week. And school starts for teachers on August 12th! That gives me about 2 weeks to pack up my entire life, tie up all the loose ends, etc. down here, PLUS find a place to live in the new location (San Francisco). Rent up there is ridiculously high ( you can maybe get a 450sq.ft. studio apt for $1850). So even thought the money I will be making is decent, it will all get eaten up in rent.

And I have very slowly started putting stuff in boxes. But its hard to pack when you don't know where you are going to be living.

Y'know what, though? At least I got a job that has the potential to be amazing! Everything else will figure itself out. Never lose faith!

[kalikat]

one week later -

I have packed exactly 2 boxes. I have not been able to find a place to live. I feel like a deer caught in headlights. cant move forward - I have about 11 more days before I have to start work. I need to kick my self and push beyond all this hesitation! Feeling a lot more sadness than I thought I would. Leaving behind my home, my friends, but mostly sad that I wont have my daughter right around the corner. thinking of all her performances I will miss. And not being there when she needs me. That is what makes me saddest of all.

 

But I remind myself - when her dad & I divorced - my thinking was that she would be better off having 2 happy parents who are not together, than 2 parents living together that were miserable. I need to apply that same thinking to this. In the long run, she will be happier if I am happy and successful. Which is where this path is leading.

So off I go - pack some boxes! get paperwork done! move forward!

[kalikat]

These past couple months have been a whirlwind. apparently, just finding a job was only the tip of the iceberg.

 

Got up to the bay area, blown away by how expensive life is up here! It took me 6 weeks to find an apartment under $2000! Even for a studio! Thank goodness I was able to stay with some cousins in the interim.

 

So - Found apartment. Unfortunately it is at least a 20 mile commute into the city. On the other side of the bridges. which actually means this: if you leave home by 6:00, traffic is okay. Anytime after 6AM, you are looking to add an extra hour (or 2) to your commute time. I have had days where it took 2hours & 45minutes. to go 20 miles. unbelievable!

 

That was after I got a car. before that it was BART - which takes about an hour & 30 no matter what.

 

SO... finally bought a car about 3 weeks ago. Two days ago it got totaled coming off the Bay Bridge. Havent even made the first pmt yet. Pretty sure I will end up upside down on this. Especially after they take out my $1000 deductible.

I spent my last of my savings to buy it. So now I will have no way to replace it, plus I will still owe money on it. Plus the amount of money I end up with each month from work isnt enough to cover all my basic expenses. Right now I have $75 left to my name. That has to cover me for food, Bart fares, utilities, etc. all the way til December 1st, which is when I get paid next. Stress is eating me alive. My back is screaming in pain from the car accident. But the accident was my fault, and I cant afford to rack up any more debt. SO I will live with the pain as long as I can.

yeah - this is not turning out as I had expected. Not even close

[kalikat]

Taking a minute to get up to speed here...

 

Life is still chaotic. Money is still a constant issue. And now that summer is upon us, I will have to find another job so I can survive (teachers dont get paid thru summer vacation). I Had a position lined up, with a summer camp program for kids. But I just got a call - they didnt have enough kids enroll so camp was cancelled. I committed to this group back in February, now its may and all the summer jobs have been filled, and I am basically scr***ed. But as always, I will keep searching til something pops up. I have no choice - its either that or give up completely.

 

On another note -

now that I have settled a bit more with the new city, the new job, etc., I find myself with a little bit of free time. And I suddenly am realizing how alone I am up here. I have more conversations with my dog than with any human being. Male or Female. That will need to be my next focus area if I plan on staying up here for any amount of thime. I can only play hermit for so long.

[kalikat]

What a crazy day.

 

First its my dad's birthday. He would have been 86 today if he were still with us. He passed away 11 years ago, and I swear I still talk to him every single day. I miss him so much. He was always my "port in a storm". So caring - so giving of himself.

For awhile after he passed away I had my uncle (his brother) around to talk to & to help me find some clarity in life. But he passed away last year. His birthday lands on mothers day this year. He would have been 91. Now there is no one I can turn to.

 

I swear there are days when I just wish it was my time to go already. I know way more people in heaven than I do on earth. I want to be with them. Where I am loved.

But I have to wait until its my time.

A psychologist I once saw told me that it was impossible for me to be okay with my own death. But he is so wrong.

Din't misunderstand - I would never ever do anything to make that day come any sooner. Completely against all I believe in. But I dont fear death. I welcome it - so I can reunite with all those that have already moved on. And hey - could be I am totally wrong, and all we succomb to is a black void. If that is the case, then I will never know.

[kalikat]

What I have been sensing more and more inside my heart & in my head, is this deep, sadness. An empty cavernous space that I just have no idea how to fill. I just started back at work after our summer break. And I do love what I do. But I feel so incredibly isolated from the world. I am living in Nor Cal, which on a good day is close to 70 in the middle of summer. I have maybe 3 cousins living up here. The rest of the family is in So Cal. I have made very few friends since I have been here, but that is the nature of the beast. So hideous that to even live in a studio in SF would cost about 2700/month! So I live far outside the city. And since there is virtually only one fwy in this whole area, and so much traffic in the morning, I find that I have to get up at 4:30AM, and leave my house no later than 6AM so that I can get to work by 8:20AM. No lie! If I left my place anytime after 6:30, Traffic wont let me get there until 9AM. And you can not be late when you are a teacher!

Coming home, I usually get back around 5:30 or 6PM. So that is 12 hours of the day - poof! And I am exhausted by the time I get here, so no going out to do anything. Just home, eat, sleep, and do it again the next day. and the next. Heck - I havent even done any of the touristy stuff to do here. Since my job is at a different school site every day, it really doesn't lend itself to making friends. So I am alone - mostly always. you know that you spend way too much time on your own when you constantly catch yourself having conversations with yourself...OUT LOUD! Which is worse - talking to yourself? or talking to the dog?? lol

Weekends I spend catching up on the sleep, and taking my puppy to the park, etc. I hate how little time I get to spend with her during the week. Thank goodness for Marty - my 75 year old dog walker.

So no social life, only work work work. Haven't dated a soul since who knows when.

 

Yet - somehow I am surviving. barely, but I am. Every month I stress that I wont have enough $ to buy groceries, or that PGE is finally going to shut off my electricity. But somehow - I survive. And I am not cranky (usually) or mean or feel like Someone Owes me something cuz life has been so friggin hard...

Life just IS hard. end of story. Since my dad passed away almost 12 years ago, there have been very few "happy" moments that I can recall. Tons of stress, strife, frustration, anger, etc... but happy ? not really there. content - at times. but nothing huge and glorious. Thing is, I feel like a part of me has gone into hibernation. that part of the brain that feels the "happy" stuff. I don't know...

[kalikat]

SO...

My stalker has suddenly reappeared. Even though I now live 500 miles away from where he is. I flew down to my hometown last monday to take care of business stuff. Literally was there for under 7 hours.

And guess who "happens" to appear at the exact location where I was?? Coincidence?? I think not.

A friend of mine says it is possible that he somehow planted a virus of some sort in my phone which allows him to see my text messages, etc. Going into radio shack today & see if they have a way to detect something like that.

[kalikat]

Lately I have been having a multitude of random thoughts zipping thru my head. Well - not truly random and not completely thoughts...

 

things such as...

 

*How much longer do I have to keep doing this? love the job (most of the time), but hate being so far from my real home.

 

*The only accountability I have at the moment is to my job & to my dog.

 

* I love my quiet, alone time. But I have had way too much of it lately.

 

*During the week, all my conversations are with people under the age of 10. On the weekends,my conversations are only with my dog.

*what's really freaky is when the dog answers back

 

*If this is a test, am I passing? Is a "C" good enough to get to the next level?

 

I have been standing back more, watching more and participating less. Keeping comments to myself (so unlike me).

 

My next book title will be:

"the disintegration and subsequent obliteration of the American middle class"

or

"the war we lost that Republicans still deny ever existed (like global warming)"

 

 

...this is what happens when my brain goes into overdrive...

[kalikat]

Today has been a hellish day. One that has left me doubting myself in so many ways. I feel like a failure. And no matter how I try, I can't shake it.

[kalikat]

Another year passes/ another begins. Don't know what lies ahead. But already seeing evidence that this year will be one that will test me to my core.

Usually I am the utmost optimist. And try as I might, my blind faith seems nowhere to be found at the moment. All I need is one small insignificant sign - anything- that can show me that everything is going to be okay.

Don't worry...I'll wait.......

[kalikat]

I am trying to wrap my brain around this....and why in the world has it left me so sad & depressed.

 

A few years ago, an old friend moved back to our hometown to start a new job. He and I go all the way back to 2nd grade.

We always got along well, hung out together on & off thru out our lives. But he had moved back east many years back. So it was nice to have him around again.

 

As luck would have it, I got a new job, too. But I now had to relocate (about 500 miles away). Even so, I flew back to my hometown about once a month, and he and I would always get together. I never put a name on what we had, but it was nice to know he would always be there for me and vis-versa. Or so I thought...

 

So yesterday, I went on facebook, and I see "M- is now in a relationship with..."!

And, honestly, he did nothing wrong. Like I said - we never put a name on what was going on between us. It isn't like he cheated or anything like that. And, as a friend, I feel like I should be happy for him.

 

But wow - it threw me into a deep, deep, sadness. And I haven't been able to shake it off. A couple of reasons why ...

I think I felt hurt that he didn't tell me about it before he posted it for the whole world to see.

I know almost no one in the city where I relocated. That whole loneliness thing just got magnified big time.

I am starting to think that being alone is to be my destiny.

I am at an age where odds are very much against me ever meeting someone.