I feel like such a worthless failure, I can't take it anymore

[1MoreChance]

I have never been so pathetically open about how I feel on this forum but here it is.

 

I feel like a huge and total failure. I screwed up in my last relationship, either I acted like too much of a basket case or he just would have left anyway, but he is gone. he doesn't love me anymore, no matter how much I cry and suffer nothing can bring him back and the pain won't stop. The other day I even called him and just listened to his voice, didn't speak (I did *67 before I dialed to make it "private"). He answered all cheerful and happy sounding. I waited until he got frustrated and hung up on me. I am so miserable. I know he doesn't want or need me anymore but I can't accept it. I feel inferior and ashamed.

 

I feel like I lived a lie all my life. I went to school for years and years and years, always confused about what I wanted in life. after high school I went one year full time to adult high school to do science credits cause I thought I wanted to be a vet or a physiotherapist or speech therapist, but then the last few science and math classes I have to take I found too hard. The math classes gave me so much anxiety. Then I went to college for 2 years and quit. Then I went to university for 7 years! 2 years in music and 5 in teaching. Now I don't want to be a teacher. I don,t even enjoy it. I am sad all the time. at least when I was younger I experienced SOME joy and happy moments. Now nothing. I go to work do my lesson planning, none of the teachers have time to chat much. Look through books, do photocopies, look at objectives and how to reach them. then go to class and teach teach teach. always gotta be on top of the game.

 

I feel like my whole life has been about being sad and scared and depressed and trying to get to SOMETHING only to find out it was NOTHING. I didn't have a lot of enjoyement, friendship and positive feelings throughout these years. More confusion, low self-esteem, shame, and fear. always feeling like I am trying to prove something, but failing miserably.

 

I feel like I am a BAD person, an evil person. I refuse to speak to my family at this point cause it brings too much pain and anger. I am on the brink of despair. I am depressed and exhausted and lonely. I want to die. and I am really worried becuase in the last couple of days I cannot even CRY anymore. I feel dry. I am afraid of loosing it and hanging myself. I am afraid of leaving my dog alone and scared to starve to death.

[agent1607307371]

You need to speak to a doctor now.

 

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your dog.

 

 

You are not bad or evil - you love your dog and want to keep it safe, a bad or evil person wouldn't. You are depressed and need to seek proper care.

[ayekasong]

I agree, please speak to a doctor now.

 

I have felt this way before many times, even as a teacher who found no joy in teaching at times. Going to the doctor really helped me out.

[none2good]

Go out to some bar where you can meet people and pretend you aren't who you really know you are.

It's worked for me for nearly fifty years and you would be surprised how well you can pull it off.

Good luck

[em22]

Go out to some bar where you can meet people and pretend you aren't who you really know you are.

It's worked for me for nearly fifty years and you would be surprised how well you can pull it off.

Good luck

 

I dont know, i always thought it is like killing part of your personality. I am depressed too, i feel like i dont have a reason to live, besides couple of family members, but i refuse to pretend. I guess people like me are ment to be alone

 

@1MoreChance I feel you, but unfortunately i dont have any wise words for you. I hope you will be fine.

[1MoreChance]

I dont know, i always thought it is like killing part of your personality. I am depressed too, i feel like i dont have a reason to live, besides couple of family members, but i refuse to pretend. I guess people like me are ment to be alone

 

@1MoreChance I feel you, but unfortunately i dont have any wise words for you. I hope you will be fine.

 

 

 

i hope you will be ok too.

 

going out to a bar pretneding wouldn't do it for me either. I don't drink anyway

[MCR7]

Go out to some bar where you can meet people and pretend you aren't who you really know you are.

It's worked for me for nearly fifty years and you would be surprised how well you can pull it off.

Good luck

 

That's HILARIOUS!

 

(and no one is making fun...it's time for some levity...)

Ok - seriously now: If you feel this horrid you really do need to speak to a physician. In the meantime, is there a trusted friend? A neighbor? Sibling?

[SpinSpinSugah]

Trust the people who are telling you to "see a doctor." These feelings of self-worthlessness are not some simple, trivial issue. It's not something that silly people do. This is long-lasting, deep rooted and it's been festering there a long time. It's not healthy to be calling your ex just to hear is voice. It's not healthy to be so strung out and miserable. DON'T LOSE IT. DON'T HANG YOURSELF. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND SEEK HELP.

 

You are not bad or evil and you're not a basket case. There's a reason you acted out and it's not because you suck at acting. (In all liklihood you were probably very good at acting if you managed this long and nobody took note of your anxiety until now.) It's because you have inner turmoil that you can't leave buried and hidden any more.

 

Hon, I've been there I know exactly what it's like. You can't use other people's reactions to your problems to judge who you are or how you sshould be. Relationships end. People change. Some men are wussie and can't deal with a real woman. Life sucks. Grab it by the ass and kick it back. Your only other option is to continue to be miserable, and that -never- works out for anybody.

 

Also, with regards to the school thing, you are INCREDIBLY DETERMINED to have stuck it out in university for 7 years, regardless of the circumstances later. I finished one college diploma in SIX YEARS. It was a three year program. Imagine how pathetic I felt. .I'm the only girl in my family who hasn't been to university and it took me 6 years to finish a three year program. My father forced me to take a learning competency test, which showed there was nothing wrong with my learning faculties. (And it showed ME that my father was actually an a-hole XDD ) It was really hard to get through because i was miserable and un-motivated. And you know what? In the end that little piece of paper on my wall is getting replaced by a certificate. I know what you're going through and I can honestly tell you that you should NOT determine your own self-worth by what your job is or what you do or how long it took you to finish school. In the end, most people work because it's just money in their pocket. It's outside activity that makes the days fun.

 

Hope I didn't rant too much and if you found anything I said to be a put-down PLEASE DON[T feel that way. Like I've said, I've been there and there comes a time when outside influence would help a great deal.

 

As for positive feelings... you're so unhappy with yourself and your life, the positive feelings you want don't have any headspace. Make room. Make a change. Speak to someone who can actually help you. Doctors aren't miracle workers in the emotion department so don't feel bad if you end up having to talk to more than one person about your problems. But DO talk to someone....even if you think they're as dense as a brick wall ... expressing yourself is HEALTHY. Even that first post was HEALTHY.

 

Big hugs for you, you've got quite a ways to go but you just have to realize that happiness is a state of mind and you're already on your way to getting there. Best of luck!!

[1MoreChance]

thanks, for helping me, you are all awesome.

[Ebrithil]

The problem is your in a continious cycle the same old same old with noone you can feel close to, noone to go out with and vent your problems to.

 

I dont agree with how you started this post you said you feel pathetic for opening up so much on this site but if you dont your just going to feel like you have no one at all if nothing else at least you can wright down how your feeling somtimes that alone helps you to see things from another prespective.

 

I sugest taking up a social hobby go somwhere you can meet people, going to a bar people have a habit of keeping to themselves but if you were to go somwhere that people worked with each other even if all it was was an after school class to learn another language an alternative thearapy or somthing like that youll get to know new people and maybe make some new frinds. I think friends are the most important thing for keeping your sanity because you know they are always gona be there for you.

 

Like I mentioned above its not such a bad idea to see a thearapist maybe not just a phyciatrist but somone who can make you relax a reflexoligist or a hypnothearapist youll get talking to them during the sesions and that alone can make you feel better and the thearapy itself makes you feel better in body and spirit.

 

I know the feeling of always failing its like everything you aim for seems to crash at your feet that your never happy, but I think once you start to improve socialy and feel like you have people there for you other aspects of your life will start to improve as well.

 

I hope this is of some help to you feel free to pm me if you want to ask anything else or if you ever just want somone to have a little talk to in the future

[Alone.]

I know where you're coming from. I live in the secluded country, and things get fairly lonely out here. All i've got is my dog too. He'll be loyal to me 'til his dying breath, and deserves the same in return.

I don't have many friends at all, and sometimes I go for weeks without hearing from them.

I'm broke, and struggling for a job.

I was made fun of in school, 'cos I was a little different, had different tastes to other people. Got called ' * * * * * * ' a lot.

I left school early, no one seemed to care, or barely notice I was gone. Only one person from school bothers to keep in contact.

Sometimes I see them around, with decent jobs and opportunities given to them with the help from their parents.

Whatever dreams I had faded and painfully died, I can still taste the bitter disappointment on my tongue.

A rope from a tree seems like an option, maybe even an answer one day (it's a right we have as human beings).

I won't see a doctor, I let these trials and tribulations make me, let the world throw it's worst at me, it'll only make me stronger in the end.

 

"We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

 

It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.