How to get over your gf sleeping with someone else, maybe with a break?

[Anonybrit]

This is messy:

 

me and my ex had a 2 year relationship, very intense, couldn't have been mire in love, life with her was utter bliss mos of te time, but due to our immaturity and her often self-absorbed reactions we made silly mistakes which led to arguments. I began to feel te relationship was imbalances and this resentment would make me lose is during arguments and I would do hurtful things and say very nasty things to her.

 

The last time this happened she stopped talking to me, as anyone would, and I suppose it was sort of unsaid that we were "broken up" considering how horrible I had been.

 

Weeks later I tried to reconcile and offered we go on a break and then get back together, she said she still loved me but wasn't sure if she could, I asked why and she revealed that the very day of the fight she slept with another man she had met online, and again the next day, and had been beginning to develop feelings for efore he went back to his country.

 

I told her I couldn't deal with it, she came to my house and begged me not to leave her and we spent the day together, made love, disussed the issues we had, it became clear we both loved each other and wanted to have a break to fix those issues and be together afterwards.

 

We're now on that break but everyday I find it harder and harder to get ocer the fact that she had sex with another man... The day of the argument.. Then te day after.... And felt for him...

 

She says she doesn't now and wants us to work, so do I, but how can I try and get over this?

 

She is the only person I have had sex with, I feel like maybe if I have a one night stand during the break it migh help me feel more on the level, but I don't think shed be able to handle it.. I'm not sure..

 

Help

[waveseer]

If you are actively trying to reconcile then having sex with other people can only hinder your progress. Try taking a week off to center and rebalance yourself. Let her know that you'll be in contact in exactly one week.

[d24]

annonybrit, i am following every single thread you make.

it staggers me beyond belief that you want to even consider reconciling with your ex.

 

she is NO GOOD for you

[Anonybrit]

She really means well and always has, we met when she was just 15, I know I should have expected issues due to maturity.

 

But other than those things our life together really was bliss. And this is a long long break, maybe 6 months or even a year.

 

But I know that nobody would advice me to do what I'm doing, I know it probably seems likely I will end up hurt and destroyed again.

 

But something about her just feels right...

 

I will have to see if time heals this for me, right now it's making it worse, but it's early days so..

[karvala]

I understand your reasoning, but I can tell you from seeing a million such cases that sleeping with someone else yourself really will make the situation a lot worse. Instead of one party being hurt, you now have both parties hurt, and there is not really any positive equality in the situation. You can still say that she slept with someone else while the two of you were more or less together (leaving aside the technicality; it must be that way or else you wouldn't have been so hurt by it), whereas you didn't, and so you will still need an extra effort from her to rebuild things and show commitment to you if you're to get past this, and that will be ten times as hard for her if she knows that you slept with someone else as well. In addition, she may feel you're doing so just out of spite, and that's not really the person you want her to see you as if you're hoping to reconcile.

 

Time will heal it, although it will take a lot of time, may well get worse before it gets better, and you will never completely forget it.

[iLiveWithMyMom]

I would do hurtful things and say very nasty things to her.

 

The last time this happened she stopped talking to me, as anyone would, and I suppose it was sort of unsaid that we were "broken up" considering how horrible I had been.

 

She didn't cheat on you then, so you need to get over her sleeping with someone else. What she did wasn't classy by any stretch, but it sounds like you have anger/maturity issues yourself.

 

Also, her being your first makes the situation worse. I agree with everyone that you cheating isn't the answer, but maybe breaking up for now and seeing what else is out there would be best. Even if you guys wind up getting back together in the future, you'll have a much better prospective on the relationship and a deeper respect/appreciation for her.

[Anonybrit]

She didn't cheat on you then, so you need to get over her sleeping with someone else. What she did wasn't classy by any stretch, but it sounds like you have anger/maturity issues yourself.

 

Also, her being your first makes the situation worse. I agree with everyone that you cheating isn't the answer, but maybe breaking up for now and seeing what else is out there would be best. Even if you guys wind up getting back together in the future, you'll have a much better prospective on the relationship and a deeper respect/appreciation for her.

 

You ate right about absolutely everythig here, spot on.

 

It wasn't classy but it was "wrong" either, but ecausr she is my first and actually only managed sex with me after she had slept with him (she had vaginismus and I was too cautious to make it work in our 2 years) means that I really am suffering feelings of quite profoud jealousy and self-consciousness.

 

I am not considering doing anything against her will and as said above I know that unless she could reach some kind of miraculous understanding about it we'd simply both be upset, and this would make frying back together 100x times worse.

 

But I do feel it would help me... I feel walked all over and my self esteem has been obliterated, I feel I want to assert myself and for us both to have had the same sexual experience outside the relationship so there is no resentment. I am nt angry with her really and I dot want to get back at her but I feel I need to protect my ego and I don't want imbalance. I think it is a fair request but at the same time understandably maybe an impossible one to ask of her, as I would want permission for one night with another girl while I would want her to say stay exclusive - as she has had hers tbh... She enjoyed it and I feel I should be able to too.

 

But maybe that's just not possible...

 

She is utterly stunning so I don't have any actual sexual desire to be with anyone else, it's purely an emotional fix for me as I see it.

 

It is the major obstacle to me in this break, it's the one thing that just doesn't stop hurting, but maybe time alone could do it.. I don't know..

[waveseer]

AB, trying to get someone outside of ourselves to fix the emotions we have inside ourselves doesn't work.

[Anonybrit]

I just want to feel on the level, I feel so pathetic and inexperienced like if I don't do this, what she did goes from economy a semi-understandable reaction to what I did, and INTO a cake

 

I'd rather we both had our cakes and ate them so sex meant the same to both of us.

[waveseer]

Deep inside we are all pathetic, all struggling, all wishing to feel equal. She probably wishes it never happened (no matter what she says). Do you want that type of experience weighing heavily on your heart? I don't think so.

[iLiveWithMyMom]

she is my first and actually only managed sex with me after she had slept with him (she had vaginismus and I was too cautious to make it work in our 2 years)

 

Wow. I actually feel bad for you now, and quite honestly, some anger at your gf/ex. Basically you guys were together 2 years and essentially never had intercourse, but she gave up the farm to some creep she met off the internet, less than 24 hours after you guys broke up? I think this would break anyone's heart and build a heck of a lot of anger and resentment toward that partner. Then to make things worse, you let her take your virginity afterward.

 

I know it's waaaaaaaaaaaaay easier said than done, but I really think the healthiest and most mature thing to do is for you to step back and see other people. I hate to put it like this, but she has serious power over you at this point, and I agree you need to level the playing field a bit. Again, I hate to point this out because it seems so tacky and contrived, but I think it'd be MUCH better for your psyche if you dumped her (and got some of your power back) vs giving her the chance to dump you.

[Anonybrit]

I'm not saying you're wrong, she says she wishes she hadn't done it but I mean.. Technically she did nothing wrong, it is just, as you realise... Utterly inconcievably upsetting for me.

 

I am glad to have lost my virginity to her, she loves me and I love her, we should have done it before.

 

But te playing field is unbelievably uneven and I want to level it without dumping her, and if she has the freedom to sleep with someone too then the playing field is still going to be uneven.

 

Am I in a catch 22?

[waveseer]

I am not going to pretend to understand why if you get to have sex with the woman you care about most the whole playing field thing should matter, but I gather it does. From my perspective a couple years, marriages, kids, homes, cars, jobs, heartaches, and relationships on it doesn't matter at all.

 

Good love is hard to find. ~ Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

[Anonybrit]

Perhaps you're right and I'm looking for a cure to what would be a short term issue, but right now we are on a break to fix literally everything we can before getting back together. I am genuinely worried that this imbalances playing field and my decimated sexual confidence would cause problems when we got back together.

 

If I sleep with another girl just once, me and my gf/ex-gf are equal in the sexual field.

 

The pain ilivewithmymom is talking about is building up and up and really causing me agony on a level I've never known I just want to vent it right out of me, and I dot think I'd feel guilty experiencing something she has just exprienced... Yes she was hurt and no she shouldnt hav to appoliguse, but now I am hurt and I feel I should be able to do this and restore the balance.

 

That then leaves only the fac that she had intercourse with someone else before me to get over. That pain is obviously vast so I can't handle both at the same time

[karvala]

But having sex with someone else isn't going to change what she did. She will have still all but cheated on you, still had sex with another guy before you after you'd waited two years. The only difference is you'll now have your own guilt and confusion about sleeping with someone else to add into the mix. Honestly, if I thought you sleeping with someone else would permanently lower your pain, I'd tell you to go and do it straight away, but I really don't think it will. If someone breaks your leg, do you think breaking their leg stops yours from hurting?

[Anonybrit]

But having sex with someone else isn't going to change what she did. She will have still all but cheated on you, still had sex with another guy before you after you'd waited two years. The only difference is you'll now have your own guilt and confusion about sleeping with someone else to add into the mix. Honestly, if I thought you sleeping with someone else would permanently lower your pain, I'd tell you to go and do it straight away, but I really don't think it will. If someone breaks your leg, do you think breaking their leg stops yours from hurting?

 

Karvala, I really resort your opinion and all the advice you're kindly giving me, I'm going to consider that perspective, you may well be right.

 

I will say though, I was truly truly horrible to her in that fight, I mean really you woulnt believe it I don't believe it. I can't see it as cheating at all really, but that obviously doesn't make it any leas painful, and actually you're right, even after a breakup to sleep with someone just hours after is not normal. I do realise that, honestly, and it's weighing on my mind.. Especially as it was the first time they had met in person, thats really not feelin like a good sign to me...

 

After all this I kinda fled up country to stay with relatives, for a change of scenery and everything, and I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone about it - maybe tomorrow I will. My parents are abroad and my friends are very busy atm. I really haven't been able to make sense of everything yet so I definitely havnt made any decisions.

 

I booked at appointment at a counsellors actually, I think I'm definitely into the realms of professional help being useful.

 

I want to thank everyone who is giving me their thoughts, really, I never imained in my life I'd be in this situation, even though I played more than my fair share in making it happen - but I really need as many opinions as possible. So thanks.