Question for men regarding communication

[LazyDaisy]

Women can answer too, but I am really trying to understand my bf/ex bf, I don't even know anymore.

 

We have been together for 3 and 1/2 years. Fighting a lot lately regarding the amount of time we spend together. I keep going back and forth in my head, one minute I want to leave and then I want to stay and try to work it out.

 

Anyway, many times he has told me he loves me very much and he would be heart broken if I left him. But yet he never seems to have time for me. For a while we were doing things regularly together and I don't know if maybe he is just overwhelmed with family issues or what. But yesterday we were talking a little bit through texts. He had said that he couldn't have been all that bad. So I sent him a text spelling out what I want in a partner - see eachother several times a week and eventually move in together. I asked him, does he want the same? If so, we need to address why that isn't happening. If he doesn't want the same, I asked him to please be honest and tell me that. I said if you can't answer these questions and be honest with me, then yes, you are a bad person.

 

I got no reply at all. So later I sent him another text saying that I guess the no reply was my answer and that I would just move on. He sent a text saying "what are you talking about?" I said I never received a reply and that he was ignoring my attepts to try and figure things out. He said he was not ignoring me.

 

So, I re sent him the same text and said, I would appreciate the courtesy of a reply. Nothing.

 

I am just looking for a man's opinion here. Why would he say he is not ignoring me, but yet he will not address my questions? He will gladly make small talk about anything else, but he won't answer me as to what his goals in this relationship are. I mean, if he doesnt' know, all he has to do is say, "i'm not sure" but I am getting out and out ignored.

 

This man is 48 by the way. Any advise from men out there would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

[waveseer]

He is dodging the question because he liked things the way they were.

[ghost69]

he's got you wrapped around his finger. you have terrible communication from this guy. why do you stay?

[d24]

isn't it pretty obvious he's hoping the question will go away if he ignores it or doesn't give you an answer?

 

Sounds to me like he wants to be with you, but he doesn't want to commit to... commitment.

 

If what you sent him was the truth, you need to decide if this is a reason enough to end this now, before setting yourself up for future pain and/or frustration

[_Asti_]

How about you pick up the phone, call him and ASK.

Texting is such a horrible way to ask such serious questions, because they can play dumb, say they ddin't receive it, avoid it..etc.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The guy is avoiding the serious issues. He likes the notion of being able to say he has a girlfriend but he doesn't want to put in the work and commitment involved in being in a relationship. By not responding to you he is trying to ignore the problem and hope you will be too afraid to ask him again. I would say cut your losses and end this relationship. He is clearly not serious about you and just wants you at his convenience.

[mr.mac]

How about you pick up the phone, call him and ASK.

Texting is such a horrible way to ask such serious questions, because they can play dumb, say they ddin't receive it, avoid it..etc.

 

Bingo! You need to be much more assertive with this situation. Talking about the status of your relationship via text is awful. And I would be offended if my partner ignored me when I was trying to discuss our future together. That sounds awfully indifferent to me and indifference is my enemy.

[LazyDaisy]

If I call him he will not answer the phone. I have no choice but to communicate through texts. Its always been like this. Whether he is mad a me or not. He will talk in person but we havent seen eachother in a while and have no plans to.

 

Why do I stay? When we do see eachother we always have a really great time. After 3 years I am still as physically attracted to him as the day we met. Every time we see eachother we have really great conversations and I am always learning something from him. He is a wealth of knowledge. He is really good to my son. Buys him presents all the time and pays attention to him. My son is also really crazy about him. I trust him completely with my son and I also have 100% trust that he would never be unfaithful (first time in my life I can say this about my SO).

There is a lot of good in him. He is just a lousy communicator and I feel he doesn't spend enough time on the relationship.

I feel that I myself have a personality that few men could live with. The reality is, I am a single mom, have no means of really getting out and doing things so meeting someone else will not be easy. I am extremely shy and don't have any real friends. Part of me stays because I am terrified I won't meet anyone else and I guess I would rather put up with a relationship that is not perfect than have none at all. I don't think it is especially good for my son to grow up with no male role model at all in his life. Also, there are limited things we can do just the two of us so I feel he would be also suffering that way.

 

So, assuming I do choose to stay with him - how do I get him to start communicating?

[hexaemeron]

Bolded for clarity. Cmon, OP. If you cannot phone him and have him pick up, ever? You want a relationship with that?

[_Asti_]

He won't even answer when you call.

Its clear he doesn't WANT to communicate.

And to me, that says more than enough.

Not to mention I don't think the example thats being set by him is excatly a good one for your son.

So he buys him presents, but treats his Mother like cr*p.

Ever think about the example HE will be setting for your son about how to treat women?

 

You can't even communicate the need to communicate, that there is a problem.

 

Its a lost cause in my opinion.

[LazyDaisy]

Is it really that unsuual not to talk on the phone? I guess I have gotten used to it. Its really hard for me to talk on the phone when I am with my son, sending texts is much easier. When we see eachother he gives me his full attention. When I first met him we used to talk on the phone because texting was new then. If we talk on the phone about everything we would have nothing to talk about in person. I actually prefer the texting because I get to write out every word I want to say without someone cutting me off, also I can erase and rewrite a few times before I hit send. Also my dad never communicates in person or any other way when it comes to feelings so this is what I am comfortable with.

[_Asti_]

I dont think its so much 'weird' to not talk on the phone.

Its the fact that he won't answer when you call.

 

How else can you communicate with him if he won't pick up or answer your texts? Add to the fact that he really doesn't make time for you or the relationship.

What kind of partner is that?

 

You're trying to communicate with a man who doesn't want to.

[LazyDaisy]

He won't even answer when you call.

Its clear he doesn't WANT to communicate.

And to me, that says more than enough.

Not to mention I don't think the example thats being set by him is excatly a good one for your son.

So he buys him presents, but treats his Mother like cr*p.

Ever think about the example HE will be setting for your son about how to treat women?

 

You can't even communicate the need to communicate, that there is a problem.

 

Its a lost cause in my opinion.

 

Thanks for the reply. I don't think he is treating me like crap in front of my son. We all 3 always have a good time when we do anything together. The problem is he doesn't spend enough time with me and refuses to talk about it. I don't know that he is a lost cause. Maybe he was raised by a cold fish like my dad. My dad never communicates feelings but he is still a pretty good husband. I guess I am writing on here to see if there are other men who can't communicate regarding feelings and maybe there is a different approach I can take.

[HeartGoesOn]

You can't...You simply cannot get blood out of a turnip.

[drewciouS281]

first off, NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER have a serious conversation via text or even phone for that matter but if thats all you can manage at the time atleast phone. NEVER text!!!

 

since he is not answering, you already warned him that you were taking his none response as a symbol for you to move on so do it. Unless you wanna give him the chance to talk in person but if he is not communicating and you already gave him the alternatives, then you have nothing left but to end it.

[LazyDaisy]

first off, NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER have a serious conversation via text or even phone for that matter but if thats all you can manage at the time atleast phone. NEVER text!!!

 

since he is not answering, you already warned him that you were taking his none response as a symbol for you to move on so do it. Unless you wanna give him the chance to talk in person but if he is not communicating and you already gave him the alternatives, then you have nothing left but to end it.

 

 

I am trying to do that. I am planning on starting NC tomorrow - too late for today. It is just reallly hard. I feel like I will be lonely and depressed and have nothing to live for. Messed up, I know, I shouldn't pin all my happiness on one person. I have broken up with him before and I will do it again. I am just having a hard time letting go. There is so much history and reminders of him all over my house.

 

Maybe he would answer if I called, but at this point I don't even know what I would say. I said it all already.

[d24]

He will likely lose respect for you if you gave him an ultimatum and didn't follow through.

[SnowFox]

I think you should just put this topic on hold until you see him in person again. Answer his texts, etc, for now, until you see him in person.

 

Then, at some point, when you are with him, bring up what you want in the relationship and ask him if that is what he wants.

 

(Be prepared for him to tell you he doesn't share your goals).

 

If he tries to evade you when face to face, force the issue.

 

Ultimately, what it comes down to is how long are you willing to keep investing your emotions into this relationship? Also, is it healthy for your son to be bonded to a man who won't even take your phone calls?

 

Good luck!