Why?

[starlight40]

Why do emotionally and physically abusive men do it? Do they get some kind of kick out of making a woman feel bad about herself, undervalued until shes as low as she can get......then when she tries to leave or does leave then gives her all the promises under the sun that hel change, she goes back and it not only hasnt changed but the abuse gets worse......i genuinely loved and cared for my ex, i was always supportive of him, i went out of my way to do nice things for him and still his cruelty was intolerable, i do not understand. Ive been blamed for everything and been made to feel like a monster because i left him and stupidly said some not very nice things to him because i was so hurt.

[Hope75]

I am a survivor of long term domestic violence and I don't think there is a pat answer for this, I think it can be so many different things. But most of the time I don't think the abuser 'enjoys' what they do, or does it for kicks. I think most of the time it is because the abuser was a victim of abuse themselves or witnessed firsthand family violence, or they may be a substance abuser, have some mental issues....I do not think healthy normal people behave that way.

 

I'm sorry it happened to you as well. I can relate, and I hope you are not blaming yourself for what happened to you becuase it is not your fault.

[starlight40]

Hope, its been 7 weeks since the split, i ended it because i couldnt take it anymore. Ive blamed myself for many things, mostly the fact that i feel like i became almost an abuser myself towards the end, verbally i mean, i said some terrible things even after he left me alone (which is what i asked him to do) i still kept sending him odd texts usually when under the influence saying horrible things because i was hurt and wanted him to hurt too. He sat on the last one for a week then started teting me telling me what a horrible person i am. That he left me alone and i started saying such things, he turned the whole thing around on me, apparently im horrid person through and through and my being nice is always just a facade.

[yeawutever]

They do that because those type of people have a twisted and distorted mind of how they see things....

[starlight40]

Ive been doing really great the past couple of week but i feel so angry again, we are full NC there is not a chance i will break but im just so mad! I did so much for him, invested so much time and effort and now, when im looking back he took me for a fool, he was cruel and he messed my head up so bad, i did NOT deserve it!

[FreeForLife]

They do it for imagined control. Usually they are extremely afraid that you'll leave them so they belittle you and blame you for everything so they erode your self-worth and stay with them. They also do it to make themselves feel better about themselves - they try to bring you down to their own level. Why do they do it - usually because they didn't have all too healthy relationships to learn from growing up. The sooner you realize that it is NOT about you but about THEM, you can start to heal yourself and not accept the blame they have dumped on you. because even after you leave, you will continue to wonder if you were wrong.

[huNNi2L0vE]

I've been in your shoes before. I lived with my ex for a year and a half and I was there for him 110% I bought him meals, cleaned up after him, I cooked... and when he was done he would leave me alone at home crying and go out with his friends. He called me every name under the sun as well as he has laid his hands on me. I took him back because I always believed in my head "I can fix this"... and to not give up... I realized something over the year that you CANNOT help someone that cannot help themselves. I finally walked away... he begged for me back and I said no. unfortunately he became a little suicidal but he's apparently in therapy now for himself. I have found myself and found someone much better... just remember that there is always someone better

[starlight40]

Thank you for replying guys, he does come from an abusive background, his father would physically abuse his mother and i think he was mad to feel quite unwanted as a child. I felt sorry for him and thought i could help, fix him i guess, he is one of lifes victims- he has a large chip on his shoulder. Im angry right now but i down right refuse to be a victim or have a victim mentality, im going to seek therapy for myself to help me heal from it all. I will never understand someone whi has to bring own someone else in order to make themselves feel better, i can understand it in extreme cases when that person has been hurt but not in everyday life like he did, he constantly put me down (done in a jokey way) he as only physically abusive on one occasion- threw me around by my throat, i think the worst he ever made me feel though was by depriving me of sexual intimacy, he would let this go on for weeks on end with no explanation for it, constantly pushing me away, i think that for me was the most damaging part- all the questions constantly going through my head why he didnt want me.....

[Max1]

You know how they say that time heals? Well, it does. Sometimes it just feels as if it takes forever but eventually it happens. One day you'll wake up and something will remind you of him may that be good or bad. Even if it's something bad it truly is great because you will realize that it's been a long time since you thought of him. You'll realize that it's been a long time since you've hurt. I left a horrible relationship a year ago. He tore me down layer by layer and made me feel awful. He beat me down emotionally and mentally every chance he got. He would do this in front of friends and family. He would bulk his chest up and get that tough guy "wanna be gangster (lol!)" attitude with me. He was physically threatening in that manner. He would ban me from going to public events even if he was there. He kept me from friends and family. This did not happen over night. It got worse over time it's just that I never noticed. I used to wonder how a girl could get herself into such a bad place and then one day I realized that I was that girl. I noticed how he interacted with me in front of his own mother and how she reacted towards it. She would lower her head, never making eye contact and always let him get away with murder. Granted we are adults but one would think that she would at least say something. Even "friends" turned against me. Rumors run rampant around here and according to that group of "wonderful" people I'm the one in the wrong. It hurt, it still hurts from time to time, but they didn't see it all. They were young and needed him to maintain a conection to their habbit.

 

I don't mean to tell you this to detract from your situation. I want to tell you this to let you know that you are not a fool by any means. You have every right in the world to be angry and upset. You have every right to be upset with yourself, but dont dwell on it. The thing is is that it's a mind game. they toy with your mind. I'm so proud of you for seeking advice from a trained professional. You are going in the right direction. Like I said it will take time, but in the end it's worth it. It is normal to want to know why he did it to you, but don't ever be okay with excuses. Yes, certain situations and the way people are raised or events in their lives can lead them into difficult directions but it is not an excuse. I was molested, beaten, neglected, abandoned and alone growing up. I was angry yet I never did anything other than try my hardest to strive for my best. Fortunately that is how many people such as myself are. and perhaps my need for love led me to my ex and kept me dealing with it. Ultimately it's become my love for myself that I have sought change. Hopefully you can thank your ex one day for waking you up and teaching you what you deserve and what you surely don't deserve. Your going to go through phases and some very difficult times at that. Sometimes the loneliness gets to you. Don't let it bring you back to him. The situation with him will only get worse. he needs to work on his own demons and you yours. And please, I truly do feel for you and understand more than words could properly express, so if you would ever like to talk or someone to just listen or vent to just let me know. And trust me, it will get better over time and you will come out on top. You are already starting to

[CMM]

I've been in your shoes before. I lived with my ex for a year and a half and I was there for him 110% I bought him meals, cleaned up after him, I cooked... and when he was done he would leave me alone at home crying and go out with his friends. He called me every name under the sun as well as he has laid his hands on me. I took him back because I always believed in my head "I can fix this"... and to not give up... I realized something over the year that you CANNOT help someone that cannot help themselves. I finally walked away... he begged for me back and I said no. unfortunately he became a little suicidal but he's apparently in therapy now for himself. I have found myself and found someone much better... just remember that there is always someone better

 

Sounds a bit like my BF...We are finally going to counseling. I threatened to break up with him otherwise. Its weird, he is not from an abusive background, and has no drug/alcohol or work/friends problems. Seems like I am the only person he goes off the handle with. Sometimes I wonder if its me!! I have no idea why he does it...It has not escalated but has remained at this low level where about 2X a year he slaps, or pushes me or sth. Why???!!!! No clue...but I guess it also warrants the question ofwhy do abused women and men keep going back? I think its for the same reason you say is that I think I can fix him. If I do everything just as he wants it, he cant get mad but he always finds something! I hope counseling helps...

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

The anger passes.. the more good things you do for yourself the quicker you let go of the anger.

 

so keep doing things for yourself like you did this weekend .. go out and be the new you.... be the girl that wore the costume and had a great time.

 

You are gorgeous .. inside and out and you have so much to offer.

 

You were too good for him... he couldn't handle a real true relationship - he doesn't know how operate in that space because he has never been there himself.

 

he didn't know how to give lovingly because he never had that.

 

And .. its not up to you or me to "fix" these guys- they have to fix themselves.. and unfortunately when they came into our lives they weren't ready to move past their own pasts- heck they don't even know they are the problem!

 

mine is doing the same thing ... walking around and blaming me- at first it bothered me.. but not anymore- let him think what he wants... on surface he's blaming me..but deep inside himself.. he knows the truth ... and someday that truth is going to hit him... and i feel for him ...because he isn't going to like himself very much- but thats not my problem.

 

I too was good to my ex... and i too was slowly taken in as his prisoner- when i talk to my friends about being with my ex... i call it prison ..because thats what it was for me..it was a self imposed prison ...i could have left at any time ..but i stayed because its such a slow gradual process that they take over your life.

 

I can relate 100% to what Max said in her post.

 

anyway- these moments pass... allow yourself to feel the anger... vent to a good a friend... go for a walk ... but whatever emotion you feel .. allow yourself to feel it.

 

I'm like you - i REFUSE to be a victim anymore to anyone.

[Hope75]

Sounds a bit like my BF...We are finally going to counseling. I threatened to break up with him otherwise. Its weird, he is not from an abusive background, and has no drug/alcohol or work/friends problems. Seems like I am the only person he goes off the handle with. Sometimes I wonder if its me!! I have no idea why he does it...It has not escalated but has remained at this low level where about 2X a year he slaps, or pushes me or sth. Why???!!!! No clue...but I guess it also warrants the question ofwhy do abused women and men keep going back? I think its for the same reason you say is that I think I can fix him. If I do everything just as he wants it, he cant get mad but he always finds something! I hope counseling helps...

 

 

I don't think there is a pat answer for this either, but much of the time it is because of fear (fear of being alone, fear no one else will love them, fear of starting over) if the abuser is controlling and gradually breaks down all the support systems of the victim (i.e. isolates him or her from family, friends, colleagues) he or she may feel they have no one to turn to if they wanted to leave. Other times they victim may feel sorry for the abuser as a result of his or her manipulation ('no one understands me like you') or guilty about thinking of leaving because of emotional blackmail ('I'll hurt myself/kill myself if you leave me') afraid of what will happen to them ('I'll kill you if you try to leave me, I'll find you no matter what, I'll kill your family, etc.').

 

Other times the victim may fall for the seduction of the cycle, the apologies and attention after an episode that makes them think this is the 'real' person they love, the one who brings flowers or dinner or holds them and says sorry.

 

It is multifaceted.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

well said Hope and thats real accurate.. especially the isolation thing... my ex isolated me... found a way to have a problem with everyone in my life- the ONLY person he encouraged me to have in my life was my mother- because he thought she was weak ... and he could manipulate her too.... manipulate her into thinking he was/is a good guy- but she was on to him long long long before the problems really really started but she supported me in my choice to be with him.... but the second i left- she let her true feelings about him spill out .. and oh boy! lol

 

anyway ..my point... they do a lot of stuff to keep you around because they know that they don't treat us well... and they know they really don't have much to offer... the worse the abuse the more insecure they are.

[starlight40]

Thanks everyone.

 

You bet my ex was exactly the same, he never liked any of my friends especially the ones i was most close to, i have 2 very close friends, 1 he just always hated, said she was a bad person and that she didnt really care about me- he didnt like her because he didnt like the way she treated me? Because i would see her alot, go out with her a week ends apparently i was under her spell and basically i didnt have a mind of my own- i would kiss her ass ha! Every week end he would find a way to make me have to choose between going out with her or spending time with him even when id spent the whole week with him. It would usually be a saturday night so he would mak himself busy and unable to see me every night except a saturday.......

 

My other friend was very supportive when he went off to thailand for 5 weeks that time- the reason we split , he went there for a supposed 2 weeks which ended up being 5 weeks, he found out id been leaning on her for support so tried to blame her for everything saying she was the reason we had fallen out while he was there because she was putting ideas in my head!? I was upset at him going cos we had been together for a year and a half and had never been away together yet he could go there with a mate of his? Also the fact of where he was bothered me, i didnt trust him and was worried about the reputation the place has for prostitutes etc, nothing to do with my friend.....strange guy

[CMM]

My BF will not openly tell me not to hang out with my friends. He just acts really cranky when I get home to the point where I dont even want to go out by myself anymore. He is perfectly charming to my family. Its not like he isnt charming to me sometimes, too. I am kind of confused. Someone mentioned women who go back to abusers because they love the "honeymoon" period...I think that might be me.

[starlight40]

My BF will not openly tell me not to hang out with my friends. He just acts really cranky when I get home to the point where I dont even want to go out by myself anymore. He is perfectly charming to my family. Its not like he isnt charming to me sometimes, too. I am kind of confused. Someone mentioned women who go back to abusers because they love the "honeymoon" period...I think that might be me.

 

This is the thing, its all so subtle, when i was with my ex he would profess to me and everyone else that it was ok to do anything i wanted, that i could go out with out him whenever i wanted- even had pride over it, underneath though it wasnt so, he would use the behaviour i explained above or afterwards he would go quiet and cranky on me, if i asked what was wrong he would say "nothing" and left me wondering - that is called punnishment. The one time he layed his hands on me was after a night out with my friends......

 

Ah, the honeymoon period, its so nice isnt it? Makes you feel good, its like a drug because they make you feel so happy when its like that, probably because you felt so low at his latest shenangigans you wanted to feel better. By doing this can you see how they are controlling your own personal happiness, its not you. The honeymoon period gets shorter in length each time you take them back because each time they lose more and more respect for you as a person because you are not witholding your personal boundries, its not like saying what theyve done is okay it actually IS saying its okay- youve accepted it cos youve gone back....the honeymoon period is nothing but a fake facade to get you pulled back in.

[Max1]

The "honeymoon" phase is a terrible trick and play of your emotions. Please by all means, use your best judgment and follow that little voice in the back of your head. When I finally left my ex I had no where to go and no money to get my own place. I knew I had to get out. I had to ask my mother to let me come back even though we don't have a good relationship. I left everything with him, furniture and all, and took only what I truly needed. I didn't have friends at that point. I still don't really. He took the money I made each week because he thought I would just spend it on unnecessary things when really it went to helping his habit and keeping me even more isolated.

 

3 months after I checked my email and guess what? There was a message from him! He said he was so sorry and never meant to hurt me so badly and couldn't leave things the way they were. At this point I was suffering from severe depression with no one to turn to. I could not function. He told everyone he knew about how awful I was and still to this day I don't have any friends really. I'm starting to make some but it hurts to run into people and have them avoid you. They have no idea what he did to me. they don't even want to hear it. It hurt badly enough and I was so lonely that I would have done anything to "make it up to them" in a sense. I still cry. I still get upset when I'm walking my dog and see people having fun at the park but it's worse for me to go back. There are tons of people out there. I just have to make myself better and in a sense make my world over.

 

So, I know what it feels like to be isolated. It is like a drug when they attempt to come back and make it all better. But it really is a coy. It just gets worse and worse each time. It's been about a year and the pain is still there but I'm happy it's in the past. The new challenge is to move forward and to learn to trust and believe that I deserve love. you do to