Is this a good breakup letter?

[emma1234]

I am going to meet up with him tonight and read it out loud to him in his car. I tried to put more positives in there except there really arent any. We work together as well so that makes it a bit harder, I've also invited him to a ball on saturday night, im going to uninvite him and take one of my friends or flatmates instead cos I cant deal with him anymore. Hes too disrespectful, and not even on purpose, just cos thats how his personality dictates.

 

I’m not too sure about this relationship anymore. I don’t feel that it is going to go anywhere, because I really feel like you are awesome as a friend, I can’t fault you there, you treat your friends amazingly, but when it comes to being your girlfriend, I feel like I’m not appreciated, and I think its better that we end things. I feel as though other friends pay a lot more attention to me, and the fact that you knew all along that I was having a surprise party last night, organised by my parents, and yet still texted me asking what was happening, and then proceeded to be over an hour late, when you had known exactly what was happening since Friday night.

I understand that you may feel a little uncomfortable around my parents, but you’ve met my friends and flatmates several times now and they aren’t scary people at all and they are quite willing to get to know you, which makes me feel as though you aren’t interested in making an effort. And looking back, it has always been me that made the effort. I can’t be in such a one-sided relationship when I have all the stress from school and things weighing me down as well. A relationship should add something to our lives, but I feel as though this is just distracting me from what I really need to be doing, and I’m not sure you really have room for a girl in your life as you have made no true efforts to make space in your life for me. I understand that it hasn’t been very long, but I have introduced you to everyone that’s important to me, and you have only introduced me to Brady for half an hour or so, and that doesn’t really count, and it doesn’t help a girl feel wanted. I need you to know these things so that the next girl who comes along will be treated the way a girl needs to be treated and so you wont make the same mistakes again. In the end, we just aren’t as good a match as I originally thought. Friends wise you are a-ok but anything more than that and you seem to lose your footing somewhat. A girl needs to be shown some sort of affection you know and I didn’t really receive that from you.

[emma1234]

haha okay! thanks for that i wondered if it was a bit much haha

[emma1234]

best just to scrap the letter and say it in the moment? perhaps crack out the old "its not you its me" line? i just wanted the letter so i could make sure i got it all in there.. but i suppose he doesnt really need to know all his shortfalls. i just thought it might help him for the next girl.

[Keyman]

Hello fellow Kiwi! (although I live in Oz)

 

I think you are right in ditching the letter as while you are being helpful in trying to point out what can be done better, it will likely lead him to tell you exactly what he thinks is wrong with you, and you might not be prepared for that.

 

Best to wing it, tell him it's over and leave it at that. If he asks for more, then tell him briefly how you feel or what was missing for you. Just don't make it a lecture on his faults, as again, you will end up getting what he thinks your faults are, and more than likely he will not be as nice as you are hoping to be.

 

It's hard when you work with him too, the good ole line... don't screw the crew should come into play, but who am I to talk, I've had relationships with my workmates...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the others. Tell him verbally and forget the letter. If he is that selfish and self-absorbed the contents of the letter won't make him sit and reflect about his actions because he is perfect in his mind. You can't teach someone how to be attentive in a relationship..that comes from within. Best to tell him this is not working for you and leave it at that.

[emma1234]

ok! thanks for your help it felt good to write it but its probably best deleted haha.

[jul-els]

The letter's ok if you feel like you just can't deal with talking to him, but if you're going to read it to him you might as well just ditch it and tell him what's going on.

[arcadefire]

I would not read a scripted letter in front of his face. Through the phone jotting down what you need to say may help, but gosh, I feel like reading a break up letter in person would drive someone mad.

[annie24]

good luck with the breakup. do you think he'll take it well?

 

you could also just say the condensed version - maybe something along the lines of 'I feel like this has become a one-sided relationship, I feel like i'm more into this relationship than you are, so for that reason, i think we should split.'

[adamt]

Expect him to say he will change and fix things. That will be the hard part to deal with. Did you try to get him to change while you still had feelings for him or has all this come out once you have lost interest and ready to move on. So many times you see the situation where the dumper doesnt let their issues be known until it is too late and over them. The worst bit for me was that my ex had issued but never spoke to me about them until she was ready to move on. I could have fixed a few things had i known sooner.

 

It will be bad enough for him but reading out a letter is just going to be like rubbing salt in the wound

[emma1234]

he was in complete shock, i thought he had figured something was up, but when he asked me if i wanted to go for dinner i knew he was completely clueless. i basically said most of what was above but much softer and i cried and he asked a million questions and even suggested going on a break!! weve only been together like 2/3 months! and he doesnt understand why i got * * * * ty that he cancelled on his birthday plans with me to do jobs with his dad, he stands by that it was the right thing to do cos family comes first.

i txted him and asked if he could come back cos i needed something concrete to finish the conversation and he said hes just going to think about it for tonight. so i obviously didnt make it clear enough. is it a bad move to txt him back and say that theres really nothing to think about? he talked about changing but i said i didnt want him to change and im not going to change because we shouldnt have to change our personalities to make it work. i dont want to expect that of anyone.

[emma1234]

and hes disappointed me too many times and he knows hes done it, i told him, and he wasnt interested in coming to talk about it, and i just dont find him that attractive anymore, and i cant stand that he doesnt touch me and he just isnt affectionate with me. he doesnt do the passionate kiss thing at all and i need that.

[emma1234]

and now im wondering if i made a mistake. i have no idea anymore.

[annie24]

i don't think you made a mistake. i think you listed a dozen good reasons why you should have broken off the relationship. he's not passionate, he doesn't make you a priority, etc.... forget it. you did the right thing.

[adamt]

this seems to happen a lot, woman loses her feelings. drops loads of warning signs, the man doesnt pick up on them and the the break up seems to come out of the blue. Bloke then wants to fix things and change but the woman has already emotionally detached and ready to move on. The man is left devastated. Over time he will pick up on the warning signs. if only the woman had spoke up and broke up when she still had feelings and a chance to save the relationship

[emma1234]

this seems to happen a lot, woman loses her feelings. drops loads of warning signs, the man doesnt pick up on them and the the break up seems to come out of the blue. Bloke then wants to fix things and change but the woman has already emotionally detached and ready to move on. The man is left devastated. Over time he will pick up on the warning signs. if only the woman had spoke up and broke up when she still had feelings and a chance to save the relationship

 

i did let him know when he did stuff that pissed me off, he just excused himself and carried on doing what he wanted without any sort of compromise.. i wanted him to come round and talk about it but instead he came around just before i started work, pissed as f*ck, and made me late for work and made himself look like a d*ck in front of my flatmates.

and i get an email this morning, "morning hun, how are you this morning?" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh i broke up with you last night so im freaking great! even tho im not really. but i will be if i dont talk to you for a while.

my possible reply:

"im good. feeling much better than yesterday. woke up with a bit of clarity and remembered why i chose to have that chat last night, and its because of the ball. i didnt want to do it afterwards because i already knew i had to do it and i didnt want to put either of us through that. cos it wouldnt be a happy night and you dont deserve that.

all or nothing aye. and i really should have stuck by that last night instead of leading u on, i dont feel i did that properly at all."

 

do i need to tell him all that? im not sure i want to see him in person cos everytime i looked at him last night my heart broke a little bit and made me softer and softer on my decisions.

[emma1234]

okaaaaaaaay not going to send that. going to ask him to come around tonight again instead.

[adamt]

okaaaaaaaay not going to send that. going to ask him to come around tonight again instead.

 

 

You shouldnt really meet him again. He will be thinking he has a chance of getting back together. he will beg and say he will change..etc it will get messy.

 

Just tell him it is over for good and no way will you get back together. You have to be cruel to be kind.

 

Cancel over the phone and just keep it short and sat it is over for good.

[emma1234]

he didnt really do any of the above. he just kinda asked a million questions, and wouldnt accept my answers. but he knows its over for good. and its like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.

[adamt]

he didnt really do any of the above. he just kinda asked a million questions, and wouldnt accept my answers. but he knows its over for good. and its like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.

 

Fingers crossed you can now move on and his short term pain will help him move on quicker. Best to not respond to any attempts he makes to contact you. I know how it feels being dumped and the ex replies. You feel you still have a chance. He will be hurting like hell now but you have to let him be and deal with it.

[Pontius]

and now im wondering if i made a mistake. i have no idea anymore.

 

Maybe you shouldn't be dating exclusively or seriously.

 

Your reasons for letting him go were pedantic at best and no serious relationship will last for you if these types of issues cause a flight response in you without any proper or exchanged discussion with your "SO". The fact that you are now wondering if you are making a mistake is surely another sign that you have no business being in any type of committed relationship at this point.

[steve11]

the letter gives him areas he could work on to improve; it, harsh as it is, makes it sound as though the situation is salvagable. If you don't have feelings for him anymore, just say that. Otherwise, he may think he just needs to address said greivances. Maybe he could win you back if he did? If not, be honest and say you dont feel strong romantic feelings for him anymore.