rich 1517 - breaking down their barriers

[SteveNaive]

Hey Rich, how's things?

 

Well, I have to say, your story is moving fairly quick now. I mean developments seem to go at some pace now. I would not worry too much about the toothbrush thing. Ok, i guess, it kinda was a bit pushy, then again, you wanted to be bold and move forward on her. So I do not think you have done something wrong there. In the end her reply said it is up to you. If you find you are too pushy you still can say you just were semi-serious about it...or something like that. Do not think too much about it. Sometimes you just have to trust your feelings, because in the end this is what it is all about... However, watch your pace... I think you will be able to control yourself even when next to her. You have been thinking about this so much, just keep calm, you are getting there. (Do I sound like a fortune cookie or what? ) I would not say you freaked out. It rather was a daring try to see how far you can go... I think you are doing well!

 

Hope you are feeling a bit better now?

 

(Sorry if my thoughts are not formulated as clearly as normal...just had a long talk with Mr. Jack D. Self medication...)

 

To my own situation...I picked up the phone and told her I was not feeling like seeing her tonight, just not to be unfair. I actually had a reason to feel down as a very close relative of mine is under intensive medical treatment after having her second heart attack in two weeks. So I really had a *beep*ing cheery day behind me. Why do things like this always come in bulk? Not that one problem would be enough... We put it off til later. But I guess it will lead nowhere. She did not really seem to be interested in a meeting... Do not need her to worry about me half heartedly.

 

Anyway, I the more I think about it the less I really think I want her back. She had her chances and she knew it. I am just tired of being hurt again. I am tired of her saying things and never acting up to them. Tired of broken promises. In the end I just will be in the country for another four months. So I guess time is playing against us. We had our chance. If she really loved me like she said, she would not have done something like that in the first place. If she really cared she would have spent the time with me like she promised to do. I guess the magic is gone. Saying you love someone is easier than showing. Sad but true.

 

"How can something so good go so bad?

How can something so right go so wrong?

Well, I don't know I don't have all the answers,

but I want you back..." (Phil Collins - Something happened on the way to heaven)

 

If you read this:

 

I love you. reallyreally.

[neallo82288]

Rich,

 

The first time you refused to stay based on your not being ready was a very good move. Now, from my experiences, here are the signals to look for:

 

1 if she sleeps in pjs then that means she is off limits

2 if she sleeps in the buff, she is fair game, but watch for a push away

3 makes a pallet on the couch. buddies thing

 

You have to keep yourself from overanalyzing, because we are easily confused by females. Lets forget about what has happened and focus on what she is doing when she is around you. This last meeting is her starting to come out her shell (maybe). Just keep relaxed and keep you path straight and take it one day at a time.. Also, get you butt busy and quick. start taking up some hobby that requires concentration. do something.

 

Steve I agree with rich's assessment so far.

 

read this post:

 

www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=16105

 

The answers you seek are there and you must conform to them.

 

Neallo

 

PS steve if you IM me I have more information about no contact that gives you a cleaarer insight as to why you do the NC thing.

[rich_1517]

well mi already regrouping.

 

ive decided that i will find a way to bring my bike or have an exit plan. NO PRESSURE TO STAY. she will have to ask. if she says didnt you want to stay. ill just say, i was kidding, if you are inviting me i think it would be fun.

 

the question is then how to play it out. a night in bed together is ok even if its just non sexual. the couch is out. and my reaction should be definitely along the lines of "not ok" to buddied. and she should feel that it isnt a good idea to offer that.

 

the massage i will rethink over time as i reguage her mood that night. lets face it i want to make her horny and want nothing. absolutely.

 

and yes i will get busy again.

[rich_1517]

well i gave myself a break from thinking about this, got busy and starting just "feeling" what this felt like. its kind of unacceptable.

 

the cards really are still all hers. yes she makes little steps. then she makes little steps back. passive aggressive to the max. i know smoking is a big part. and i still am. i try but the tension, anger level, and frustrations just pop out. i think i need to talk to her about that and that its hard knowing i may lose my temper at the wrong moment (not normally my style).

 

but about thursday. its time for a change up. she will expect me to want to stay, she i think is seeing sunday as just doing me a favor becuase i was tired NOT creating a normal thing. so i will not stay. i will tell her that a massage is her penalty for my help, when she feels comfortable, and after i will go home. if she asks didnt you want to stay? i will say entirely up to you.

 

this is the week without her son, so as hard as it is. i have to not say anything about dates. leave it in her court. let her be alone again, let her live with her decision as it stands and how she sees me. her decision is a couple of dates to see. ok, that means not me as a regular support mechanism. i also think its time for a hint that i might be doing other things. dont know yet about how to do that.

 

she will then have him for a month solid. this time period is critical. i think its also the way to get to her. based on sunday she became much more open around her son. so camping is a very very good idea. it getting that to happen that is the task.

[rich_1517]

ok im processing really fast now. finding the job again is well um job one.

 

meeting their needs, meeting their conditions BEFORE they will reconcile is absolutely it. (thanks athena)

 

so i will now go slow again. help out with the move, not ask to stay over. actually if/when she asks. ill say maybe go slow? perhaps there will be other times.

 

im realising dancing is good, dates are good. but that isnt whats going to win her. its the picnics, the time at her home with her son, ME being there. participating as a partner. we cook together, we clean together. we play together. thats the platform that "in love" will be rebuilt on. those are her real long term needs, a home, a family. man it takes time to figure it out. now i have to rethink what a date like that looks like. hiking and board games, and massage.

 

i will ask for a kiss perhaps in exchange for moving stuff, to remind her of the end goal. and be sauve about it. and perhaps the offer a massage. i have to play to where she is at. and right now she will be reserved, she doesnt want to show too much.

 

the smoking is a pain. i have to find a way to do this.

[DaisyB]

So many fun decisions! I like the camping idea a lot, but I can't tell if it's too soon, or just right. You're right -- timing is key here.

 

So is the balance between passionate lover and partner/best friend. . . being there with her son is important, but so is wine and romance. She seems to crave both. So it's SuperRich to the rescue, complete with a toothbrush and an escape plan. . .

[rich_1517]

Well a friend really came after me for dating while this is going on. that i have a woman who is trying to see if we can work it out and im dating. well i can agree on one level. this wouldnt be my first choice.

 

if she would make some clear sign that this truly an "attempt" to rebuild, ok. but i dont see that. i am close to the "you know you just dont seem to be able to make it past whatever it is. if you want me you know where to find me". but im not there yet.

 

his comments though do ring a bell for me. am i being true to myself in trying to make something like this work? have i compromised myself so much that both she and i cannot find a common path as long as that is the case?

 

maybe true. hard to say. and thats been the problem, no talking, i cannot be the one to keep talking. while i havent been talking about "it" i still feel she is not open to a reconcilliation conversation. but i am going to tell her if she wants to talk i will listen.

 

its not as hard as it was, even bad days are ok. i wish i had a job again and smoking was a non issue.

 

i am having more fun and interacting very well with everyone in my life, my perspective is better and i laugh a lot more. i do miss her, the one who loves me and wants me. she isnt here at the moment and i dont know if she ever will be.

 

i know now i cannot push at all right now. i would look like the needy ex boyfriend. so while thursday could be fun, i am going to play to hand i have been dealt. help move the table. stay for dinner, watch for openings then leave.

 

sigh