firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Most people don't believe in first love but I do. Even though he is my first but I feel that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Our relationship was really bad and we broke up constantly. I was so insecure and my self-esteem was low. We couldn't compromise or had fun together. We tried and tried but it never worked. Our relationship was the worst ever. We broke up for a few months and I did tried to get him back in every possible ways that I could think of in terms of pleading, begging, emailing, stalking, etc. I didn't listen to anyone and I realized that I am pushing him further. I have a lot of insecurities in term of trusting, low self confident and esteem, and I don't know how to act in front of others. I have dependency problems too. I want him back and the first step that I need to take is completely let him go and work on myself. Strict NC from now on and do the right things. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I believed in first love, too. Until it ended and I realized that first love DOES exist, it's just not the only love you will ever have. Looking back, I am so happy I did not end up with my first love. Ask anyone over 25 and they will most likely tell you the same thing. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 I want to be with my first love. I feel that he is the right guy for me. Our relationship was too toxic and I am glad that it ended. I want to start anew with him. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 My ex was my first love. I loved him so much and gave him my all. Sadly, all those things were never returned. He neglected me, never really called me much, would just have sex with me and then turn on the TV to tune me out. He was also a major flirt and from what I heard from the grapevine that he cheated on me loads of times. It hurts, I know. But you are worth so much more than this. If you have all of thse issues I'd suggest you talk to a professional councelor about it. Link to comment
starlight40 Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I do believe in first love though i dont think ive ever found my first proper love yet Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 My ex was my first love. I loved him so much and gave him my all. Sadly, all those things were never returned. He neglected me, never really called me much, would just have sex with me and then turn on the TV to tune me out. He was also a major flirt and from what I heard from the grapevine that he cheated on me loads of times. It hurts, I know. But you are worth so much more than this. If you have all of thse issues I'd suggest you talk to a professional councelor about it. I know I had a lot of issues growing up with dependency environment and didn't had the opportunities to do anything. I wanted to seek counselor but somehow I never tempted to. I will stand up again and go see counselor soon. I don't know if it works. Does it really work? It is the same as talking to a friend or others about your issues and they just give you advices? My ex didn't care about me etc. But I still love him and I want to turn him around. I want to make it happens with him with a better relationship. Link to comment
leq Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Hey first love Im with you. I have lost mine. It hurts, i know, but hang in there. Iv made a few mistakes since we broke up, but I think this place has prevented me making things even worse. Whats your story if you dont mind me asking? Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 But I still love him and I want to turn him around. I want to make it happens with him with a better relationship. Oh gosh. This is just my personal opinion but I would never ever recommend that you be with a man because of what he might be. Be with a man who is someone you want to be with. Not someone who could turn into someone you want to be with. Because it's exceptionally difficult, if not impossible to change someone to suit you, especially when they don't want to be changed. All you are asking for is another go on the toxic-relationship ride. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 We were together for 2 years and it was so beautiful at first. I heard from someone about my ex's past with another girl but they never dated. After that, I didn't trust him because he didn't take my side. I didn't believe in his love because I asked him to show it and he never tried. He would rather chose to hurt me over small things. I got hurt and my wounds deepen every time it happened. In public, he didn't care for me like a bf should. We broke up so many times and tried and tried again. I became more insecure as he put me down so often. Then I decided to treat him the way he treated me and put him down too. Our relationship went down the drain after that and we broke up a few months ago due to a big fight. He said "i am not one of his priorities and he does not see a future between us". After the breakup, I sent him emails..etc. Nc..emails..it seemed to work at first but i pushed harder and harder and he backed out completely. I did so many things wrong. It's time to do the right things. Let him go is my first step. I need to grow and change for the better. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 Oh gosh. This is just my personal opinion but I would never ever recommend that you be with a man because of what he might be. Be with a man who is someone you want to be with. Not someone who could turn into someone you want to be with. Because it's exceptionally difficult, if not impossible to change someone to suit you, especially when they don't want to be changed. All you are asking for is another go on the toxic-relationship ride. No I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. Turn him around means that to make him love me once more willingly and not forcing it. To make him come back to me. Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 No I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. Turn him around means that to make him love me once more willingly and not forcing it. To make him come back to me. But it sounds like you had a horrible relationship why try and revive that? I know you think it will be different, but he'll be the same person, so why would it be? Surely you're better off healing and moving on. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 But it sounds like you had a horrible relationship why try and revive that? I know you think it will be different, but he'll be the same person, so why would it be? Surely you're better off healing and moving on. He is special to me and I believe in him and especially in us. I believe we can have a better relationship and a bright future if we are back together. I really want to be with him and I love him. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 But it sounds like you had a horrible relationship why try and revive that? I know you think it will be different, but he'll be the same person, so why would it be? Surely you're better off healing and moving on. He is special to me and I believe in him and especially in us. I believe we can have a better relationship and a bright future if we are back together. I really want to be with him and I love him. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 The thing is your first love doesn't have to be (and most probably won't be) your only love. I won't ever forget my first love because it was the first time I had experienced love. I felt that I loved him so much it almost hurt and the pain of losing a first love is almost unbearable. The pain was a complete shock to my system. But my first love wasn't the man I married, that doesn't mean to say I loved my husbsand any less. I most certainly didn't. Sometimes first loves are meant to be and sometimes they aren't. Just because you lose someone you love (whether they are your first love or not) it doesn't mean to say that you wont find love and true happiness again. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 The thing is your first love doesn't have to be (and most probably won't be) your only love. I won't ever forget my first love because it was the first time I had experienced love. I felt that I loved him so much it almost hurt and the pain of losing a first love is almost unbearable. The pain was a complete shock to my system. But my first love wasn't the man I married, that doesn't mean to say I loved my husbsand any less. I most certainly didn't. Sometimes first loves are meant to be and sometimes they aren't. Just because you lose someone you love (whether they are your first love or not) it doesn't mean to say that you wont find love and true happiness again. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 I know that. I want to find happiness within myself instead of seeking for a man to be happy. I want to be stronger than that. But at the same time I can imagine a lifetime with my first ex. I believe in it. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 I know that. I want to find happiness within myself instead of seeking for a man to be happy. I want to be stronger than that. But at the same time I can imagine a lifetime with my first ex. I believe in it. Link to comment
overboard Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 No I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. Turn him around means that to make him love me once more willingly and not forcing it. To make him come back to me. alot of irony in this statement. okay, i'm a male who could be the exact counterpart in your situation. it seems like you are describing my experience less a few details. these details that seem to be left out could be the key for you. you mention how you acted at the end of the relationship, but how did you act IN the relationship. were you needy, controlling, demanding, belittling, critical, dramatic or... (the list goes on)? i'm not trying to infer that this is necassarily the case, but i am saying that the relationship dynamic is precisely that, a dynamic--an exchange between two individuals. it's quite possible that overly focusing on every aspect of how you were hurt in the relationship, you could be neglecting hurt you may have caused. you mention that you have to work on yourself, and for that i applaud you. i will say, however, that "work" on the self is often times difficult and for it to yield any results it has to be accompanied by brutal honesty. all outside inadequacies and infractions need to placed to the side so all self-analysis can access this "brutal honesty" so that YOUR behaviors can be addressed. neediness does not JUST cause clinginess, but is also the dysfnctional forunner to other acting out behaviors such as criticism, push-pull dynamics, verbal warfare, exagerated responses to minor missteps and etc... why? an overwhelming fear of what eventually happens, abandonment. fear of abandonment --> neediness --> acting out (stalking, rage, histrionics, blame-shifting, denial, threats, insults) these tactics are all meant to convey a sense of obligation, fear, and shame. in no way is a healthy relationship going to survive, much less thrive, with it's foundations built atop a bottomless firey pit. anyway, alot of what i say is speculation derived from my own experience, so don't take anything i say too personally if it doesn't fit. if it does, however, then dig and dig honestly. look into yourself to see where fear, attachment, control, and entitlement rule your mind and gestures, and work toward replacing them with Acceptance, Affection, Awareness, Allowance, Appreciation, Acknowledgement, and a genuine capacity for FORGIVENESS. my 2 cents. i wish you the best. Link to comment
overboard Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 No I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. Turn him around means that to make him love me once more willingly and not forcing it. To make him come back to me. alot of irony in this statement. okay, i'm a male who could be the exact counterpart in your situation. it seems like you are describing my experience less a few details. these details that seem to be left out could be the key for you. you mention how you acted at the end of the relationship, but how did you act IN the relationship. were you needy, controlling, demanding, belittling, critical, dramatic or... (the list goes on)? i'm not trying to infer that this is necassarily the case, but i am saying that the relationship dynamic is precisely that, a dynamic--an exchange between two individuals. it's quite possible that overly focusing on every aspect of how you were hurt in the relationship, you could be neglecting hurt you may have caused. you mention that you have to work on yourself, and for that i applaud you. i will say, however, that "work" on the self is often times difficult and for it to yield any results it has to be accompanied by brutal honesty. all outside inadequacies and infractions need to placed to the side so all self-analysis can access this "brutal honesty" so that YOUR behaviors can be addressed. neediness does not JUST cause clinginess, but is also the dysfnctional forunner to other acting out behaviors such as criticism, push-pull dynamics, verbal warfare, exagerated responses to minor missteps and etc... why? an overwhelming fear of what eventually happens, abandonment. fear of abandonment --> neediness --> acting out (stalking, rage, histrionics, blame-shifting, denial, threats, insults) these tactics are all meant to convey a sense of obligation, fear, and shame. in no way is a healthy relationship going to survive, much less thrive, with it's foundations built atop a bottomless firey pit. anyway, alot of what i say is speculation derived from my own experience, so don't take anything i say too personally if it doesn't fit. if it does, however, then dig and dig honestly. look into yourself to see where fear, attachment, control, and entitlement rule your mind and gestures, and work toward replacing them with Acceptance, Affection, Awareness, Allowance, Appreciation, Acknowledgement, and a genuine capacity for FORGIVENESS. my 2 cents. i wish you the best. Link to comment
overboard Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 also, yes, therapy works if you get a good therapist. i've struggled with bipolar disorder for over ten years, alcohol abuse for ten, and other personality and behavioral issues. i've had counselors in the past who were god-awful, and easily manipulated. it was a game for me at one point; however, my most recent therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy was very insightful, wise, calm, and abhored the traditional counseling cliches. he saw through me and drew me out far enough to begin the "WORK" that needed to be done. nine months later, and i'm sober for the first time in 6 or 7 years, and am able to acknowledge and deal with wounds from long ago. my confidence is higher, i'm less frightened socially, and what were one time repressed emotions and memories, are now acceptable uniquenesses of my emerging authentic self. i will say this, i was sincerely interested in the depth work this time around, so any games i played in the beginning were unconscious, or out of my addictive tendencies and refusal to acknowledge them as such. give it a shot. it's not like talking to a friend, parent, pastor, or teacher. many are skilled individuals who are well-trained guides into the psyche. i remember asking my therapist, "why don't more people do this (therapy)? it makes so much sense and is liberating." he responded, "you are enjoying it because you are sincere about the work." anyway, i truly wish you the best. Link to comment
overboard Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 also, yes, therapy works if you get a good therapist. i've struggled with bipolar disorder for over ten years, alcohol abuse for ten, and other personality and behavioral issues. i've had counselors in the past who were god-awful, and easily manipulated. it was a game for me at one point; however, my most recent therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy was very insightful, wise, calm, and abhored the traditional counseling cliches. he saw through me and drew me out far enough to begin the "WORK" that needed to be done. nine months later, and i'm sober for the first time in 6 or 7 years, and am able to acknowledge and deal with wounds from long ago. my confidence is higher, i'm less frightened socially, and what were one time repressed emotions and memories, are now acceptable uniquenesses of my emerging authentic self. i will say this, i was sincerely interested in the depth work this time around, so any games i played in the beginning were unconscious, or out of my addictive tendencies and refusal to acknowledge them as such. give it a shot. it's not like talking to a friend, parent, pastor, or teacher. many are skilled individuals who are well-trained guides into the psyche. i remember asking my therapist, "why don't more people do this (therapy)? it makes so much sense and is liberating." he responded, "you are enjoying it because you are sincere about the work." anyway, i truly wish you the best. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Yes it's possible for some people to stay with their first but see, both parties have to put worth a lot of effort in the relationship else the flame will die out. Once it dies it's hard to get it back to the way it was. I did loved my first who is still my boyfriend but I'm steps away from dumping as he has not put much effort in this relationship whatsoever and there were times it was kinda rocky. I just now don't really feel the same way no more. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 My ex didn't care about me etc. But I still love him and I want to turn him around. I want to make it happens with him with a better relationship. HUGE mistake! You cannot turn him around. You cannot make someone love you. You cannot make someone have feelings for you which they don't have to begin with. You say he didn't care about you. Doesn't that tell you anything? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care about you? You sound obsessed in wanting to force this man to come back to you, or to love you. It's not healthy at all and you should try to figure out WHY you can't let it go. I agree that you should seek counselling/therapy in some form to help you overcome your issues. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 Thanks everyone for the comments. 1st step - move on. Enjoy my life and try not to think about him. Link to comment
Talus Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Lost the first love a week or 2 ago... I can feel your pain, though my situation is way different to yours, I'm sure the pain can't be any different. Hang in there though. Be yourself, work on yourself and become the person you want to. Then and only then can you ever be in a successful relationship. The pain is excruciating but I'm sure it's going to fade for both of us. Whilst we'll never forget, I'm sure we can accept it and let go eventually. Good luck. Link to comment
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