What do I do????? I'm at a loss . . . .

[SeSpray]

I've been reading different posts on this site for the last couple of months and finally decided to post my delimma. I hope that someone can help me. Please bear with me as this might turn out to be rather lengthy.

 

My man and I started seeing each other 3 years ago. It was a fluke thing, we were introduced at my b-day party and because he is 9 years younger than I am I was extremely reluctant to be with him. Well, one thing lead to another and we ended up dating. Then it turned serious and we feel in love. I have three children with no help from the father except during the summertime when they go stay with him for 2 months. Well, my man had never really been around children. Things were going okay and we seemed to be happy but then we just slowly started drifting apart. There were a couple of times that we broke up and got back together. The first happening 1 1/2 years after being together and the break lasted for a week. He left because he wasn't sure whether he could handle the kids. The second being for a month because he said he was scared about the future. Well, we got back together and things were okay for about a month and then we started fighting again. Which was pretty consistant. About little things. And the majority of our fights were because of me and my insecurities. Well, about 2 months ago we split again. A decision that we both made because it just wasn't working and we weren't getting along at all. After about a week, I broke down and contacted him. I started sending emails and even wrote letters telling him how sorry I was that I had been such a b**** in our relationship and that I knew that the majority of the problems were because of me. I really opened up to him and told him everything that I was feeling and how I felt about him. This was a big step because I've always hid my feelings. Yes, I've said little things to let him know but I was never really open with him completely. So, I open up to him and pour my heart and feelings out and lay it all on the table. He never responded to me. Yes, he would email me and even call me but any discussion of my feelings or his was always off limits. Then one day he decides that yes, he is ready to discuss it but he really hadn't taken anytime to think about it yet. So I told him to take the time to think about it and let me know when he was ready. Two weeks went by and he never mentioned it. So I resolved myself to the fact that it was over and time for me to move on. Which I started doing. Then all of the sudden I get an email from him telling me how much he missed me and that he had mailed me a couple of letters and that he didn't know what he was doing without me. I read his letters and then decided we needed to finally have the "talk". I was at a point where I wasn't thinking about him as much and was really getting beyond us and the hurt. So, I told him that and told him that I just wasn't ready to get back into something that could potentially hurt me again. He said he understood and that we could just continue talking and possibly see each other every once in a while maybe sometime in the future it might come back around to us again. I agreed. I invited him to come over for dinner about a week later and he did. He also ended up spending the night but slept on the couch. It was a good evening and we got along really good. The next week was spring break and my kids were gone to various parts of the world to visit family and I invited him over again. He ended up coming over on Saturday night and again spending the night. Well, we slept together and of course everything else happened as well. Sat night we talked about yes, wanting to go slow and try and see if we could repair what had gone wrong with us. I told him that I had seen someone while we were apart but that we only saw each other for about a week because I wasn't over my ex and that I didn't think it fair to be with anyone else when I was still in love with the other. I asked my man if there had been anyone else and he told me yes, but that it too had only been for a week and that he told her the same things I had told the other guy. Here's where it gets sticky . . . . Sun morning we're sitting there and he goes up to take a shower, and I pick up his phone (yes, I know this was wrong) and I start playing with it. And see that a girl had called at 3:15 in the morning and that he had talked to her on Sat before getting to my house. I didn't say anything because I really didn't have a right to. At about 11:00am his phone rings and turns out to be her. He told her he was at my house and asked how her night of going out was then told her he would call her later. I asked him about her and he said it was a friend of a friends. Then again that afternoon, I asked again. He told me I had nothing to worry about. He had to go to dinner that evening with his family but decided to come back over and stay the night again. Too make this looooooonnnnnggggg story short, I talked to my best friend who works with him and find out that this girl is someone he works with. His secretary to be more precise. My b/f wasn't sure if there was anything going on, so she enlisted another friend of ours to see what they could find out. When my man got back to my house, I confronted him and asked him if it was this girl and he told me no. Turns out that in fact it was and that they had been seeing each other for a month and that he didn't break it off with her until after leaving my house on Sunday. And, he had actually been with her on Friday night knowing that he was coming to my house on Saturday. So, he lied to me 4 different times that weekend. He and I have talked about this and he has apologized and told me that he does in fact want to try and work things out. He is leaving his job and starting a new one on Monday and tonight is his going away party. Should I be concerned???? Should I still be upset that he lied to me??? Will I be able to trust him???? Should he invite me to go???? And if he doesn't invite me, what does that mean????? Anything??? Should I try and work things out???? I truly love him but am scared to death. Any help would be appreciated!!!!!!

[lisaria]

Hi SeSpray,

I read your post and it was alot like my experience with my ex. Only I found out when I looked through his email. Something I would normally never ever do. Shows you how much things had deteriorated by then. Anyway....

I know you don't want to hear this right now, but you need to step back and think this through. If he does come back to you how are you going to trust him again? He's already lied about it, how do you know when he's being truthful now? Listen to your intuition. You know the right thing to do for you. It is hard being in that kind of situation. I lost more than twenty pounds when I first found out my ex was cheating and during the make up phase and then the final fight. It will never be the same for you and him. How happy will you be always wondering what is going on? Never knowing what is true and what is not. If nothing else, take a few weeks of No Contact and think about this.

I don't know if this has helped at all, but I hope you know that we are here for you, whatever you decide. Be strong.

Lisa

[SeSpray]

Lisa--

 

Thank you for your support! Here's where I am at now: I'm not really too upset about him seeing someone else. We weren't together, so he had every right to see someone. I am upset that he lied to me about it. But he's never lied to me in the past before. His reasoning for not telling the "full truth" was he didn't want to tell me who it was because he knew that I would tell my best friend and that she might tell someone in the office and he didn't want it spread around. The reason he didn't tell me how long it had lasted was he said he was trying spare my feelings. He knew it would upset me that he had seen someone but it would have upset me even more if I knew that it was for more than a week because he thought I would assume that it would mean that there was something deeper between them (which I would have). Now, I can understand his reasoning and I've told him that lying is worse than anything but that since he has never lied to me before, then I would forgive him this once. He was very apologetic and was very upset that he had upset me so much. My concerns now are that he seems to have continually let me down this week. The first being the lying, the second being that I found out yesterday that he had slept with her without protection . . . . . now last weekend when he was at my house, he slept with me without protection. We had been tested at the beginning of our relationship and knew that we were safe with one another, but he took her "word" that she was clean and didn't think he needed to use anything. And, he didn't bother to tell me this, slept with me knowing this and it took me having to ask him before him saying anything. The third thing that he has let me down on was the fact that he attended his going away party last night which was thrown by his office and didn't even mention that he was going. I feel he should have said something because he knows that the first thing I will think is that she was going to be there. I don't expect him to report everything he is going to do, especially since we decided to take things slow, but considering all that has happened this week and the fact that I had told him earlier in the week that I would need a bit more reassurance from him, you would think he would have mentioned it before going just to make me feel better. To me, it looks like he was trying to "hide" it until after the fact. I had also told him yesterday that I wasn't going out last night with some friends of mine because the guy that I had seen when we were apart was going to be there and I didn't want to make my guy upset that I was hanging out with someone I had seen when we were apart and that had told me they were in love with me and had been for 4 years. That I didn't want my guy to have to worry about anything. Of course it didn't work that way on his end. I know that she wasn't there last night but I still feel he should have said something beforehand. Am I out of line?????? I want to talk to him about it, but I don't want to seem like I am being a nag or a b****. Especially since we are supposed to be taking it slow. But I did tell him that I would never hide my feelings from him again and I'm scared that if I don't say anything, then it will just burn me up inside and eventually I'll blow up.

 

Any light you can shed would be really appreciated!!!!

 

Thanks!

[lisaria]

Hey SeSpray,

It's tough trying to figure out what to do, isn't it? You are doing good though and trying to be fair to him...BUT...it's not about him, it's about YOU. Honey, take the No Contact for a few weeks. He's lied to you about some pretty important things. Even if it was a lie of ommission, it's still dishonest. They will tell you what you want to hear because for some reason they don't want to let you go yet. I think they like having two women on the string. It is fulfilling some need they have.

The fact that you are worried about what he's thinking is wrong. Forget him. When my ex knew I was having a hard time getting past the first episode he didn't do a damned thing different. He said things, just didn't act on them. I hate to use cliches, but Actions Do speak louder than words. His actions finally proved to me that he wasn't sincere in helping me regain his trust. If you do not do the no contact (and I really think you should), then watch how his actions match his words. IF they do. But this is now about you. YOU have done nothing wrong. He did. So don't let him take anymore from you. You don't think about him or worry about what he thinks anymore. It's about you....make him know that. He's on trial here, not you.

And remember, it will take an awful long time for you to trust him again....If ever. I know how bad you want it to work out. I still wish and hope and wait for my ex to contact me and tell me how everything is going to be ok. He hasn't and that's probably a good thing. Because I don't want to be in the position that he put me in again. It was degrading and humiliating and it threw my self-esteem in the toilet. I am just now getting it back.

Don't stay in that situation long. It will simply do the same to you. I hope not. I'm just speaking from my own skewered point of view. I hope it works out better for you than it has for me. Good luck and let us know how it goes. I'm here for ya.

Lisa

[nenez]

Hi

You are doing well. But remember you have three specific problems

1. he has a problem with your children

2. He has a relationship with someone else

3. He lies to you.

Disregarding the unprotected sex which is appalling: he has no right to risk your health.

 

You sound like a strong loving person and he sounds like an immature man. You have three childdren. Do you really want another?

 

Solutions

1. He may or may not get over the problem he has with your children. If he doesn't he will start asking you to choose. Its a no win for you. You will be hurt again and again.

2. You must be clear that he no longer has relationships aoutside of yours if you want to go forward. Him moving jobs helps but ex squeezes who stay matey are a danger because neither party acknowledge the sexual element. It will make you jealous and unhappy.

3. Liars lie. He is unlikey to stop hididng from you if you let him go on doing this.

 

You must sit down and talk this through. Get him to express his thoughts about your kids, the situation and the future. If you are not fully satisfied you must for your own sake let him go. Otherwise he will abuse you emotionally and all of you will suffer, kids included.

 

Try to be strong. Try to value yourself in this , not him. You are worth it.

With love.

[SeSpray]

Thank you so much for your help. Both of you! I guess I forgot to mention that he did end it with her. Last weekend. He called her on Sunday after leaving my house to go to his family's for dinner and told her that him and his exgirlfriend had decided to get back together (this has been confirmed by people that have talked to her personally). So, she is now out of the picture. I guess my biggest concern is that I feel as though I've been spinning all week because of everything that has happened and I'm not sure whether this will continue and I should just give up on all of it or if he is truly sorry and will start considering my feelings. This is a new thing for him and I. We've never fought about him or I lying to each other and it's making me very insecure. I'm not seeing him this weekend so maybe that will help some! Keep your fingers crossed for me! It's nice to know that there are people out there to support you. Especially the way things are now in our world.

 

Much love!