He tests the water i respond then get rejected

[Suz1165]

So i read the thread about whether or not to reply when an ex makes contact.

 

My opinion has always been that they could be testing the water so i always respond.

 

Most recently my ex who i was seeing for 9 months had contacted me about 4 different times. We work for the same company but in different buildings. We have been broken up for 10 weeks and i have during this time managed to avoid bumping into him.

 

The last time he contacted me as i had an interview and he asked how i got on. He made contact the day before my interview so i told him i would let him know the day after my interview took place. I got into work the day after the interview and there was an email waiting for me as he had contacted me the day before (instead of waiting for me to contact him). Anyway i thought this might mean thats hes keen and he seemed really pleased for me when i told him i thought it went well. We emailed for a bit and he told me that he thinks about me alot. I asked him whether he wanted to meet me and he said - better not - is he just playing games and what should i do next time he makes contact?

[justletgo07]

He wasn't testing the waters. He was making sure you're still there and pining for him. You confirmed to him that you are, in my opinion.

 

The best advice I can give is to pay attention to what he does, rather than what he says. As my ex put it so bluntly to me, assume he doesn't want to be with you until he says otherwise. Unless he says "I want to try again" or something to that effect, just assume he is blowing smoke for his own benefit.

 

I think it was very unfair and selfish of him to say those things from you. Dumpees are often sort of victimized by their dumpers because they become seen as an easy ego boost for the dumper, because they know they will get tons of positive feedback and have total control over the situation.

 

In my opinion, I would stop responding to him. Then you'll see his true intentions.

[HeartGoesOn]

He's banking on you answering him, in order to see if he still can keep you "on the shelf." If he wants to get back into a relationship with you, he'll bend over backwards to make that clear. Otherwise, I wouldn't respond to anything but that, and don't fall for his little game playing tactics.

[quirky]

Hi Suz1165, welcome to eNA

 

I'm gonna say it like it is cos that's how I say it to myself to get over the confusion a guy may put you under.

 

why would he say "better not" if he was really interested in getting back together? Another day that goes by increases the chances of you finding someone else, think about it, would he risk that if he totally wanted to be with you?

 

Trust me on this. ONLY LOOK AT ACTIONS. I'm talking from experience here of a guy that was CRYING that there's noone out there quite like me but still let it go cos he couldn't man up and take responsibility. When they truly want us nothing gets in the way, or they will make their intentions very clear. And if they can't reciprocate at that moment in time they will let you know of everything so you don't go away.

 

I wouldn't say your ex is selfish and unfair (unless he is). It is normal to want some contact, after all you were used to it but that is not "pursuing". Do you still feel hurt? Are you finding yourself? If it doesn't hurt you and you have accepted the break up it's nothing wrong to respond. But if you do it in hope you get together again then responding doesn't work.

[Suz1165]

Thanks for your responses.

 

He actually not a bad guy which makes it hard to ignore him.

 

However i do need to make myself a priority which i never do if im honest. I dont want to ignore him as we do work together but from now on i will only respond to the questions he actually asks ie interviews etc.

 

If he wants the conversation to go down a different route then he can ask me out and take the risk of being rejected - have i got this right?

[Considerate Empath]

I agree with the above that the much more likely possibility is that he's "checking up on you", though I wouldn't rule out that he simply hasn't thought of something like that - and only thought the NC was getting awkward and hoped to be friends/friendly with eachother; the "better not" part after the "I think about you" part meaning that he brought your previous relationship up (stupidly) in conversation and reminiscing about the good times but still remembering that there was a reason behind your break-up.

 

But as I said, the above mentioned is much more likely.

 

And yes, you've got it right that it's him that should make the first move if he wants it to go somewhere, especially after the "better not" part which was just infuriating to read. You can really see a smug face infront of you sitting at his computer screen typing it in, seeing the "want to meet" as "get back together" in your message, as if really just trying to piss you off. But you said he was a nice guy and wouldn't do that so~

 

 

//C.E.

[justletgo07]

He actually not a bad guy which makes it hard to ignore him.

 

Nice people can be some of the most self-interested folks out there. Just because he is a nice guy doesn't mean he's not completely focused on himself and what he wants. And the most frustrating part is that people like that don't even seem to notice how they're coming off. They're just acting, seemingly without regard to your feelings. Doesn't make them bad people, just means they are likely going through a selfish phase, which means you need to focus on yourself right now. Basically, if you are thinking all about him, and he is thinking all about him, then who is thinking about you and what you want and need?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Very true words. Dumpers can be real selfish aholes looking for an ego boost and treating the dumpee as a cat toys with a mouse.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Nice people can be some of the most self-interested folks out there. Just because he is a nice guy doesn't mean he's not completely focused on himself and what he wants. And the most frustrating part is that people like that don't even seem to notice how they're coming off. They're just acting, seemingly without regard to your feelings. Doesn't make them bad people, just means they are likely going through a selfish phase, which means you need to focus on yourself right now. Basically, if you are thinking all about him, and he is thinking all about him, then who is thinking about you and what you want and need?

 

I agree with this.

[Suz1165]

Your absolutely right who is thinking about me?

 

I spend every min of every day thinking about him. I allow myself to be humiliated by begging for another chance with someone who has told me he doesnt want one.

 

I have a feeling that he will be in touch next week. I cant ignore him (its just not me) so how should i handle it?

 

Treat him like a friend?

 

I def wont be mentioning anything relationshipwise again ive learned my lesson.

[Considerate Empath]

It's up to you how to handle it depending on what you want. If you want to be friends maybe just act like nothing happened and keep in touch like you have up til now. If you want to be less friendly just keep conversation short - let him steer the conversation and seem generally unenthusiastic, keep answers relatively short etc.~

 

If I were you I'd do the latter, and just cut the enthusiasm and conversation lenght and everything in half - then after a while decide (if you haven't already) whether or not to gradually go back to how things were before all this or if you'd rather go the opposite direction. But then, I'm not you, so it's your choice

 

 

//C.E.

[Suz1165]

Truth is i dont want to be friends i want him back.

 

Think i will leave the ball in his court as ive asked him twice and he has said he wont meet me.

 

Im debating on whether to say this someone else posted that if you dont want to get back together then its best to leave me alone but some men have posted that it wouldnt go down well.

 

Any thoughts?