Please offer me some advice. I need some friends right now.

[Boromir]

I don't know how to start this. There is so much history here and I can't write a lot now. I definitely don't want to go down all those memories again. They are so painful. This is about dealing with feelings for an ex. I think.

 

I found a post I made when I first joined enotalone:

 

link removed

 

Here is another that kind of leads up to where I am now:

 

link removed

 

I can't even bring myself up to re-read them all the way. I have fought off from calling her until I broke down and called my ex on Thursday I think. She called me back on Friday and she seemed happy to hear from me and we talked for a bit. I am doing pretty good and she was happy to hear that. We didn't get into too deep of a conversation, but it went well enough to want to talk to her again.

 

Well, a few nights later I was watching a movie about 9/11 and it was during that tragic event that I really realized how much I loved her, and everything kind of came back. I wanted to write her an email but I broke my PC, and I wanted to write her a letter, but I didn't know where to send it. I tried writing a txt message to her phone but it would have been way too long. So, I tried calling her again. I got the voicemail and left a message.

 

She just called and we talked and I have to be honest I am so still angry and sad over what happened and it was so long ago. It turns out she is serious with the guy she said she wouldn't be, she isn't moving away like she planned, and would never get back into a relationship with me. It wasn't like I asked directly but I got the message. She even asked, "you still aren't over this are you?" with a little attitude. She was my life. I thought I had a future with her. I am so mad at myself that I fell for her. I am mad I can't get over this.

 

It is screwing up my relationships with new girls. It is like I am encased in concrete with iron spikes sticking out. I don't like letting people, especially women, get close. I am so wrecked inside. Bitter. Sad. My expectations are ridiculously high and I just seem to right off girls without much of a thought, only to realize my mistake later.

 

I have used the time since we broke up to renew ties with my friends and all that is going so well. My closest ones aren't at work with me right now, so I don't have their support, so I am sitting at my desk unable to concentrate.

 

I loved her so much. And none of it matters. I feel like there is no point in a new relationship because this will happen to me again some day. I wish I was tougher. I wish I didn't care about what she thought. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself for not being able to make up for the mistakes that I made with the person I made them too. I know I should just cut my losses and move on. The girl hurt me so much. Maybe this isn't about her anymore, but me just being defeatest about love. I never met anyone like her. She was the best thing that happened to me and I blew it.

 

I know I sound so pathetic. I have responded to people here by saying "keep your chin up", or "forget her", but it is so hard sometimes. What happened really devastated me.

 

Is this normal after so much time has passed? Is this really love or just obsessiveness? Is it really about her or me? Her I want to call her again. The very person who is making me sad I am going right back to for more answers. . .

 

Thanks.

[dreynolds]

I would say a bit of both - and I sympathize with how you feel.

I went through it with my first love of just under 3 years. She met someone else, lied to me about it - cheated on me for a few months then lied about all of that. Not to discourage you - but it took me almost 2 years to get past all of that. I missed a lot of chances with great women I met - just because I was so messed up by one woman I knew wasn't the one for me.

 

It has been 9 years after - i don't even think about those days anymore unless a woman I'm dating asks about my most serious relationship. Even then - i play it down - just because as the saying goes - time heals all wounds!

 

I know how you feel - and i could easily say "keep your chin up" - but to that, you should be thinking "screw you buddy"...not in a negative way - just because when the situation is yours, it hurts oh so much more!

 

My advice - i have none - because it's just time. As a user suggested to me, take time off - which is what I'm doing. No dating for a few months - hoping to find someone special to fill that void. Forget it - becasue I'm meeting all the wrong women. This is all about you now - not her - forget her. Easier said than done - yes - but a must do!!!!

[Boromir]

Thanks dreynolds, I know time is the greatest thing.

 

Believe it or not, I just got off the phone with her. She has been dealing with all the fall out from our relationship in her new relationship too. It seems she doesn't want anyone to get too close because she will hurt them too. I kind of feel the opposite. Anyway, I called back because I didn't want to walk away angry or mad, even though cowboying it up would do me some good in the short term, I really want to get over this, and thereforeeee want to leave it the best way that I can. Wow. How mature of me. Let me check my pulse.

 

This is almost bringing tears to my eyes here at work, but I told her don't let what happened to me ruin her. Let it all go. She said the same back to me and I think we got our closure. There is a reason we broke up. I knew it at the time. I haven't felt positive about my future because I am not really looking forward, but I keep turning back. Especially when things unrelated to my ex go downhill, then I seem to group it all together.

 

I had some great times with that girl. We graduated from college together. I had some fond memories and stories that make my friends envious. I guess I was afraid I wouldn't get that again. I am stupid.

 

Well, I think this closes this chapter in my life. I am sure I will look back on her everytime a relationship ends. I just wish she thought I was worth fighting for. In the end though I wasn't what she wanted, or, actually, I think I am I just didn't show it. I did make a lot of mistakes. I would have died for her, but I guess she wasn't worth that. How I got along with some of her friends was more important. Funny. It is weird how so shallow mankind can be as well as so deep. Oh well, I have been worse. I remember wanting to break up with her because she didn't want to have threesomes with her sorority sisters anymore. LOL. Yeah, believe it or not my head was that far up my ass. How shallow indeed.

[trulyDee]

These are normal feelings. Wanting to talk, although you know it only temporarily eases the pain. Getting angry, building the great wall of china up around yourself. I know, OH how I know.

 

I have a great job, own my own house, and have everything to look forward to. Yet I am so bitter, I can't see past today. To me, there is no future. I just go from day to day, in a limbo.

 

 

Go ahead and vent to me...call me an evil woman....whatever it takes....I know love still exsists, just not in MY heart.

[Boromir]

Hey trulyDee. Don't be so angry. I know that sounds silly coming from me, but it is the best thing for you. I think that is what drove me back to calling my ex. Sometimes I forget the best thing to do in life is do the best job you can at whatever it is you are doing at the time. I do care what people think of me becuase I care about them, so I hope that by being the best I can be, they will see me in a positive light.

 

The hardest part about my ex is that she judges me on who I was two years ago. She doesn't care about who I am now and the changes I have made, and that sucks so much. I know though, being angry and bitter towards her has kept me from moving on. I spend too much of my day using negative energy and not focusing on what I should be doing. Sometimes I do well, and then I get sad and it crumbles down.

 

My biggest fear is being alone. I don't mean alone in the dark, but old with now one to care about me. My friends joke about it, and I laugh along, but then I think about the older guy sitting at the bar by himself and I cringe. I think dealing with my ex is that I somehow have fast-forwarded myself to the future and act like that is going on now when it is not.

 

I took my ex for granted. there is a lot for others to learn from my experience. I know I learned a lot. I know that when THE woman comes along, I won't make those same mistakes again. It is just hard finding her because who knows, she could be with someone else at the moment. Or I might not be confident enough to approach her. Wow. My ex said today she loved how confident I used to be and that is definitely something I lost. I was arrogant. I was cocky too. I had a chip on my shoulder and she liked me. I don't get it. Then when I am nice women seem not to like me. The truth is I really don't want to be arrogant, or cocky, or anything. Just a nice guy because for so long I really wasn't.

 

I wish my ex could see this. My next serious girlfriend will know nothing about all that I have gone through, nor be able to appreciate it.

[nenez]

Dear boromir

If you broke up with this woman or wanted to for reasons such as no more threesomes, you were in a controlling relationship. Such a relationship can only hurt you both.

You will get over this but remember neither of you owns the other.

Try not to focus on good times or bad in the past but take your lessons (and you will have plenty) and use them in your next relationship.

I dont believe that you have given yourself any help by continuing conatact. You said you achieved some closure, hang on to that.

Find yourself and love yourself first and then you will be ready for something new,

Be happy x