Does he only want to be friends or is he hoping for more?

[arsenic_n_lace]

So me and my ex bf of three years have been broken up for five months now. We haven’t really been talking to each other, actually we hadn’t spoken in a month and a half and then totally out of the blue yesterday I get a message from him on Facebook asking if it would be alright if he added me as a friend and he wanted to know how I was doing.

 

Well we were texting each other a lot yesterday talking about our relationship and what not and I asked why he wanted to be my friend. He said that being my friend was better than nothing so I asked if he still had feelings for me and he said yes. So then I asked if he thought that he may want to be with me again and he said that that’s a hard question to answer because he’s currently in a relationship but yes.

 

So now this is the confusing part, after that he kept just saying that he we could only be friends right now. So I said that If we do become friends and talk I have a feeling that you’re going to want me back and he said well as of right now I only want to be friends but if that’s what happens there’s not a lot I can do about it.

 

So what do I do? What does he want?

 

Ever since we broke up all I’ve wanted is for us to get back together; however, these last couple months I’ve been doing okay. I’m afraid that if I try to be his friend and get my hopes up thinking that I can make him want to be with me again he’s just going to let me down again and decide that he wants to stay with this new girl. I really just don’t want to get hurt again but if I don’t try I’ll never know right? I’m just really confused as to what to do because at this point I don’t even know if I would want to get back together with him… so I can do nothing and always wonder what could’ve happened or I can try to get him to want me back and possibly hurt myself. It’s a hard decision. What do you think?

[unhealthy2bme]

If he is a relationship, and seemingly leading you on, I think you should be worried. Some guys like to feel like they have a "fall back" plan. It's immature, and childish, (I remember doing it once in highschool, and it ended up blowing up huge). Be cautious, and avoid letting the way you feel blind your reasoning.

[arsenic_n_lace]

Hmm...that's a good point. I've been hurt because of that before and i definitely don't want it to happen again.

[annie24]

If he is a relationship, and seemingly leading you on, I think you should be worried. Some guys like to feel like they have a "fall back" plan. It's immature, and childish, (I remember doing it once in highschool, and it ended up blowing up huge). Be cautious, and avoid letting the way you feel blind your reasoning.

 

i agree. furthermore, i think he is being really unfair to you and his current girlfriend. i wonder how she would feel if she knew he was contacting his ex-gf, telling her he still has feelings for her! yeah, it does sound like he is using you as a fall back plan in case things do not work out with her. blah. i think that is selfish and unfair.

 

and as you said, you have been doing well!!! i guess if i were in your shoes, i would tell the guy that while i still had some feelings left for him as well, that i had been trying really hard to move on, and that you're not particularly impressed that he's confessing these feelings while he is alledgedly in a relationship. i would make it clear that i'm not interested in talking seriously unless he is free and single again.

[unhealthy2bme]

i would tell the guy that while i still had some feelings left for him as well, that i had been trying really hard to move on, and that you're not particularly impressed that he's confessing these feelings while he is alledgedly in a relationship. i would make it clear that i'm not interested in talking seriously unless he is free and single again.

 

The only thing I'd keep out is admitting your own feelings towards him. I can only see it as giving him an opening to exploit. That is of course if this is the path you wish to take.

[annie24]

The only thing I'd keep out is admitting your own feelings towards him. I can only see it as giving him an opening to exploit. That is of course if this is the path you wish to take.

 

i see what you are saying. if she is serious about reconciliation, i guess, best to tell the truth, but also to underline that she will not get into a relationship/flirtation with this guy so long as he is not single, period. i can see how a guy who has a slippery moral compass can mess around with her head though. i've certainly had my head messed with enough times myself. but i try to be open about my feelings as well.

[arsenic_n_lace]

Yes, but he only wants to be "friends" right now... I'm just so confused.

 

One thing i said to him last night was how i knew that i'm a great girl and i'm pretty attractive and i told him i didn't think he'd be able to resist me and i wanted to know if he was okay with that. He said i think i'll be okay with that.

 

Then he said he didn't want anything to happen that would hurt me anymore, like he didn't want to say the wrong thing to confuse or upset me which kinda confuses me in itself... That makes me think does he really only want to be my friend? If so why did he say that yes he feels like he may want to be with me again and that he still has very strong feelings for me??

 

I'm going to have to call him today or something and figure out what's going on...

[arsenic_n_lace]

and yes i'm definitely not going to admit my feelings for him. As of right now i'm just playing it cool.

[unhealthy2bme]

I only pointed it out, because its the guys that will hurt you the most by exploiting feelings like that. And the worst part is that it is completely natural for them to do it. It's like they know exactly what they need to say to get what they want. If you want to know what he is looking for, you need to test him. If he is honest he will not do anything behind his current girlfriends back.

[huskiesfan]

He is leading you on, pure and simple. He only wants to be friends with you so he can keep you around as a possible fall-back option if his current relationship fails.

 

In essence, what he is telling you is, "Maybe I'll be with you someday, but I'm just going to keep you around as a friend while I date this other woman." If he was serious about reconcilliation here, he wouldn't be telling you that he has feelings for you while he was in another relationship. It's not fair to you and it is definitely not fair to the other woman.

 

The best thing to do would be to not contact him, until you know he's out of his current relationship. If he's talking about reconciliation by then, then he's most likely for real. Right now, take what he says with a grain of salt.

[arsenic_n_lace]

When i asked him about his relationship with the other girl he said that it was good but had its "ups and downs." I feel like you're all right. He's keeping me on the back burner for now and "testing the waters" with me. I feel like he's trying to figure out which relationship would be best for him.

 

While i agree that it's not fair to either one of us that he's doing this i can't help but want to play along with his little game and see where things go. If it turns out that he decides that he wants to be with me then we can have a serious talk about our relationship but until then i guess i'll just have to wait and see. Because as of right now i don't know what i want, i don't know if i could take him back and trust him again and i don't want to have that conversation with him until he's out of a relationship and if/when he admits that he wants to be with me...

[huskiesfan]

Why do you want to be an option? If he truly wanted to be with you, he would be making an effort to be with you right now, rather then giving you vague promises and doubletalk out of his mouth, while he's still off with this other woman.

 

The game might seem easy to play, but its going to cause you more pain, because once he has you strung along, he won't have to give you a definate answer or not. He can keep telling you, "Just wait, we'll maybe be together again". Why put yourself through that when you can disengage from him and his blowing smoke and find someone who is willing to be with you? Don't make him a priority when you're only an option to him.

[waveseer]

Tell him to look you up when he is single and you will consider his offer then if you are single too.

[hannah_k]

I would really hope that you have more respect for yourself than to just "play along with his little game." What he is doing is not respectful to you or his current girlfriend. How would you feel if he did the same to you? Is this the kind of guy that you want to be with and is it the kind of guy who is worth just "waiting to see?"

 

I know ending long relationships are hard and I know it's hard to kill those attachments and I don't mean to demean what he means/meant to you. But he clearly doesn't know what he wants. I don't know him, but I think you owe it to yourself to at least make sure you keep your options open. Don't depend on this, don't hope for it. If you insist on keeping up contact, then my advice would be to actually treat it as a friendship and not something that could turn into more. Those expectations could be dangerous.

[arsenic_n_lace]

Well i sent him a text message saying that i'd like to call him after work to talk about everything a bit because what he said yesterday confused me. He sent me one back saying that he was going to be busy after work doing a lot of running around but asked what it was that confused me.

 

So I said that I just wanted to talk to him because I didn’t want to think the wrong thing and that I didn’t want to be his friend if he’s just planning on using me because he’s been giving off mixed signals. Maybe that was a little harsh but I needed to get my point accross, I don’t want him to screw around with me anymore.

 

Well he didn't say anything so i sent another message saying sorry if that sounded mean but i just want to know what your intentions are because it seems like you're trying to decide whether or not you want to be with me. So far he hasn't replied and it's been forty minutes...

 

If he really did want to be with me then he'd want to talk to me and obviously he doesn't. I'm through with playing his dumb little games. All he ever does is string me along and make me hope for something that will never happen and no, i don't want to be with somebody like that.

[annie24]

i think he hasn't replied yet because he's trying to be in charge of the game. i agree with waveseer's suggestion. i think it's straightforward and to the point. which is what you need. not much to be confused over here, he has a girlfriend!!!