whatatodo Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Just wondering what people think... Once a cheat, always a cheat? especially if the guy cheats when you're in the 'grey period' (at 6 months!!) when you don't know if you're exclusive or not yet... Me and him got back together, and feels better than ever, but I'm still finding it VERY hard to trust... especially as the girl he 'cheated' with is in his close circle of friends!? He's out this evening and I'm worrying....... Link to comment
justletgo07 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I believe people can change, and I don't think that cheating is something genetically engrained into certain people's brains. It often happens due to low self-esteem, or feeling unappreciated. I think as long as you can keep the lines of communication open with him, and if you hold your ground on issues that are important to you. I think it would not be at all unreasonable for you to ask him not to spend time with her anymore, and make solid gestures to both of you that he is with you, and that they are over. Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I believe people can change, and I don't think that cheating is something genetically engrained into certain people's brains. It often happens due to low self-esteem, or feeling unappreciated. I agree but to a degree. In a way when someone cheats it shows you their character and how they handle situations in their life. No matter their excuse/reason, you'd have to think, what if this situation arises again, how will they handle it then? Like people use the excuse of "I was drunk"... well, what happens next time you're drunk? Or "She came onto me"... well what happens if another woman comes onto you? How they've handled the situation the first time shows you their character and what they're capable of doing. I'm a very forgiving person but to forgive a cheater, that's very hard for me to do... Link to comment
DN Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 There are very few people who have never done anything wrong in their lives. But that does not mean that they have to continue to do things that are wrong. Link to comment
whatatodo Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 I guess what doesn't help is that even though he and I are back 'together', and he tells me he has 'nothing to hide' and in me questioning it it 'undermines everything' we still don't seem to be 'official', I haven't asked him, but I'm almost too scared to... which is mad when the end of the month it will have been a year.... I'm just scared it was always a lie and will always be a lie... this is all because he cheated....... Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 "Once a cheat, always a cheat" is just another clich é. The phrase itself doesn't mean anything. Some people make mistakes and learn from them. I've done lots of things in my life that seemed like good ideas at the time that I would never do again. I learn. On the other hand, some people don't. Worse, some people don't care. Whether your boyfriend learns or cares depends on your individual circumstances, not a catch phrase repeated by people who probably have little real experience on the matter. (I mean, how could anyone have enough practical knowledge to declare "always" in regard to anything?) "Conventional wisdom" can actually be pretty superficial. I know that "You'll just have to take your chances and wait and see" (and that's what I'm saying) is a wishy-washy piece of advice, but it's probably the best anyone here can hope to do. Link to comment
savignon Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 If you weren't exclusive and he felt the liberty to see and sleep with someone else, then I don't see how it would be different now when he still doesn't think you're exclusive and dismisses you when you ask him about it. I've always thought that if you're cheating on me in the BEGINNING, we just don't have whatever interest or sexual connection to keep it going. The beginning is the most fun and exciting part of a relationship...the crazy fun, the I-want-to-see-you-all-the-time, the everyday sex....if in THAT phase, you're looking elsewhere....then keep on lookin my friend!! I'm not interested in giving "second chances" months into a relationship. If you want to stay with him, you'll have to take your chances in trusting him. But living day to day worrying about it is not good for your literal physical health or mental health either. Link to comment
whatatodo Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 Thank you everyone... this is all really helping, even though some 'advice' is the complete opposite... Link to comment
Odysseus Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Agree totally with the idea that just because someone cheats does not mean that they will do it again. Take it from me...it wrecked me (I was the cheater). I can't imagine ever doing that to someone I love, or to myself again. Horrible, terrible thing to do. With that said though, I understand what this can do to the relationship...and you wouldn't be human if you didn't have doubts. It may not seem fair, but it is what it is. The person that gets cheated is so close to this...the damage sometimes cannot be undone, even if the person who cheated never does it again. IMHO. Link to comment
OrangeMoon Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 If you weren't exclusive and he felt the liberty to see and sleep with someone else, then I don't see how it would be different now when he still doesn't think you're exclusive and dismisses you when you ask him about it. I've always thought that if you're cheating on me in the BEGINNING, we just don't have whatever interest or sexual connection to keep it going. The beginning is the most fun and exciting part of a relationship...the crazy fun, the I-want-to-see-you-all-the-time, the everyday sex....if in THAT phase, you're looking elsewhere....then keep on lookin my friend!! I'm not interested in giving "second chances" months into a relationship. If you want to stay with him, you'll have to take your chances in trusting him. But living day to day worrying about it is not good for your literal physical health or mental health either. I agree 100% with this post. This rels is a ticking timebomb...especially if the person hé has cheated with is in his close circle of friends. The thing about cheating is...its a choice..and like with any choice one day you can decide to not choose it anymore. However when it comes to cheating there is an internal moral guide that leads you as well. Once that bridge has been crossed...to the cheating side. Its not to say that he will do it again, chances are just more likely he will, because he's travelled the road before. Its becomes less bad..in a way. Less of a big deal...and as long as you don't know..so what? The thing you should look at..is not him. Its you...do you want a guy where you have to look behind your shoulder each time? For me its tainted...Its just to early in a rels to be having to deal with crap like that. I say..let it go. Because i can almost promise you that even if you were to be in a rels with him for 5 years and it would end....I betcha it would be because of the same reasons you had already discovered about him now. If i were you..as long as there are no strong commitments towards each other and clear boundaries aren't set, I would definitely start dating other people as well. And the cheater-friend in his circle of friends... If you can deal with them being friends still..make sure you have met her and looked her in the eye. Be very friendly though...because its easy for a woman to use another's boyfriend if she doesn't like the girl or know her...but very hard when you like them. Maffia-tactics. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 He's out this evening and I'm worrying....... The above statement, is the reason I could never be with someone who cheated on me. I could never stay in a relationshipwith that hanging over my head. Link to comment
Tigerfan Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 I hate to admit this, but I had a very brief fling with a girl at my office in 1994 while I was married to my first wife. I felt incredible guilt about it and ended up confessing and asking for forgiveness. It led to the end of the marriage 2 years later. It was by far the worst thing I've done and I have always regretted it and never repeated it again, and have NO desire to ever cheat again. So I think that cliche is not necessarily true. I know the verdict is still out on me, but believe me, I have NO desire to do that again. I am 45 years old, and I desperately want to settle down with the love of my life til death does us part. Link to comment
longdist Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 You're getting mixed responses because there is no clear-cut answer. Like Brownstone said, it really depends on the people. That includes you. What if he never cheats again? Do you think you can trust him? If you can, then you need to look at his personality. Would he cheat again? None of us can answer that for you because we don't know him. Why hasn't he made things official with you? Do you really want to be with him if he won't make things official after an entire year? You need someone that loves you and doesn't want to consider being with anyone else. As someone who came close to cheating, but never officially cheated, I can tell you that I would never even consider it again. I never considered it in the first place until I felt unwanted and my relationship seemed to be fizzling. I would certainly handle things differently in the future by opening up the lines of communication. So I can say that people learn from their past... known as experience. Just because they cheated once doesn't mean they'll ever do it again. If someone hasn't cheated, does that mean that they won't? Personally, I think the risk is the same either way. Link to comment
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