What to do - Wait or Leave

[DNOLB]

My Story is a long one. I am looking for opinions to see people think my relationship will work.

 

I fell in love with a married man, and he with me. We had an affair for a year. He said he found me because he had been alone in his marriage for 20 years. His wife was very closed, did not open up to him. She would come home from work and continue working. She and he spent little time together and what they did do together was her interests. We share the same interests.

 

A couple of weeks ago he told her of the affair and has admitted to her that he has feelings for me and that he told me he loved me.

 

He has tremendous guilt about what has happened between us. How he has hurt his wife and family. He has been unfaithful to her before, 2 x's. Not in love but more physical affairs. She knows about all the affairs. They have two grown daughters who also know our current affair.

 

We are next door neighbours.

 

This past week he moved out of his home and in with his one daughter. He says he needs to get his head clear and decide which way he is going. He has tried to end the affair with me previously but still comes back.

 

Any suggestions on which way he may go? Anyone see us working this out?

Should I just end it once and for all? He is being more distant emotionally right now but still calls and sees me. He is not telling his wife that he is still seeing me though.

[Catdancer]

The best thing for you to do is to stay clear of him and give him the space that he is asking for. Let him figure out what he really wants to do. And when he is ready he will come to you if he is truly in love with you.

[metrogirl]

He's been married for a long time to her and if he is clearly as unhappy as he said he is he would have divorced her. There are no minor children to look after, his children are grown. He is there because he wants to be there.

[DNOLB]

He did leave, he's not living at home. He said he didn't have the strength to leave until he met me. He thinks he's making progress, ie, first separate bedrooms, then moving out. He's just not sure which way to go.

 

He didn't ask for space. He still wants to see me and hear from me, he just wants to sort out his head.

[HeartGoesOn]

You're chasing a dead horse here. He enjoys having his fun on the side, but has no intentions of leaving his wife. He'll feed you a crumb every now and then, just to keep you within his reach, but his wife will always be # 1, no matter what he tells you.

[DNOLB]

You are probably right. What about where she is coming from? He had an affair for over a year, fell in love and with the neighbour. Why would she want him? Of course I should probably ask myself the same question.

[savignon]

You should definitely ask yourself the same question

Why don't YOU ask for space to straighten YOUR head out?? I mean he gets a little alone time to decide "which way he's going" while TWO women are waiting for him??

Please.

[nina2009]

I am not a man, however I am in a relationship scheme that might be compared to what your man is going through.

 

My husband is emotionally unavailable person. He has no interest in me or my life, not because he doesn't love me, but because he is not capable of being interested in ANYBODY except for his childhood friends. Unfortunately I do have needs for communication and I grew miserable in this marriage. I also moved to a separate room at some point.

 

Then i fell in love. The difference is that my love is a woman. I did not lie to my husband and told him about my feelings and what I am about to do from the very beginning. He was fine with this and in return he found a lover. I was fine with this too. You would think that my guilt should be less than the one your man has, but it was still a lot of stress on me. It takes a huge amount of energy to go from one person to another and be sane. There were times when I wanted only one thing - run away from everybody and hide.

 

I am not surprised that he is taking his space to think. He needs that. While he was living at home he could not see the situation clear. It is impossible. Even his feelings for you are very much defined by his relationship with his wife. It's not because he is a bad person, it is a life law, it couldn't be different. He does need to reconnect with himself being alone and figure out what he needs.

 

What for you to do? It is completely depends on what you feel for him. If you want to get married and that desire prevails, then probably it i risky to stay and wait. If you just love him and do not care much where this story is taking you, I would see that there is a possibility to make through and truly re-connect. However, I suspect that right now he is in need of unconditional friend. It is for you to decide do you want to be one. I do not think he is capable of committing himself right now to anyone, because he needs to find his ground first.

[arcadefire]

This man sounds like a player. He cheated on his wife twice before you, now three times. He has not divorced her. She has not divorced him. He is probably used to having a woman on the side, and you're number three.

 

Go for a man who isn't tied down with so much and who can put you as number one.