septembermourning Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 First off, my BF and I have been rocky for a few months now and we have almost broken up twice but never over jealousy issues. So we had had a good day together and were sitting watching a movie when BF gets a text from this girl who lives in another state where he's originally from. Some back story... for most of our relationship (1 year) BF periodically would get texts/emails from his ex telling him she missed him, etc. trying to start fights, etc. which finally seem to have stopped.. well now this other girl first surfaced a couple months ago. Apparently she is an old friend of BF's but they also were f*ck buddies at points in time, the last time being in 2005. According to BF this girl is crazy. Last year she called him and told him she swallowed a whole bottle of pills and he called 911 in her state for them to go check on her and found out she had lied. She also sent him a letter telling him she is in love with him. I guess a year had gone by since that incident and he had not heard from her and then she calls him while we were over my parents a couple months ago... this number had been calling him for awhile but he did not recognize and did not answer it. So this number is calling him again and my mom gets his phone and accidentally answers it and gives it to him. He was like "who is this?" and it was this girl. He tells her he can't talk to her right now and gets off the phone. After we leave my parents he tells me about everything, that they were friends, that they had s*x a bunch of times but were never in a relationship and she's mentally unstable. Apparently she intruded on another one of his relationship's, walking in his balcony door when they were sleeping. After all this, he also tells me he's going to call her and make sure she's ok. and I was like whatever... I wasn't mad at all. So he does call her that night but in that conver he tells her he has girlfriend, is happy and pretty much says have a nice life. Since then when I have been around I have seen him get missed calls and texts from her which he ignores. Apparently the only reason she even has his number is because his sister gave it to her accidentally. So anyway, I had a wedding two weeks ago and we are having fun and are in the hotel room and she's texting him again and he again ignores it. I am annoyed and bring it up to him and we talk a bit about it but i never flipped out or anything.. just told him I don't like she's still texting him. So this weekend now was the THIRD weekend I have had to deal w/her. her text says "what's going on?" Now this girl is REALLY getting on my nerves. So he is laughing it off.. and he's like "she's crazy, whatever" So he ignores her text and she writes "are you okay because the last several times I've texted you you haven't responded and you usually always do" so then because I'm annoyed/upset, he responds to her and says "what do you want me to say to you? I have nothing to say to you.. and I"m spending time w/my girlfriend. so then she CALLS him twice!!! he doesn't answer. so she writes "I was not writing you for a romantic intention I just wanted advice from someone I thought I respected" so then he says "Now is not a good time to talk and it's not appropriate for you to call or text and I hope you are okay. bye" So I am upset by that because I feel "NOW IS NOT A GOOD TIME TO TALK" totally leaves the door open to talking to her again!! It's a total loophole! and she goes off... writing that he's being insensitive to her feelings and he's a jerk and all this stuff. and now obviously we have been rocky for awhile so I ask him "what is the deal? are u sure you don't have anything going on w/her?" so that gets him really mad and he's like "are you serious? you don't trust me.. this girl is NO kind of threat to you and you should know that by now" and i"m like "well I don't really think u have anything going on w/her but her texting/calling is disrespectful to me and it makes me uncomfortable" and he's like "well I don't have any control over that" I straight out asked him if he was going to talk to her again and he says "I don't have any plans to talk to her" Not a NO I won't talk to her. So I get upset and go to bed and he comes in and gets in bed but doesn't say anything to me. .. then his phone starts going off again w/texts from this girl!! it's 1 AM now! I was sOOO upset. So we started fighting and ultimately he tells me that I really offended/hurt him by not trusting him and I tell him that I feel disrespected that i was being subjected to these texts and that he's let them go on for so long and how long is this going to go on. I just went through this forever with his other crazy ex. The next day he tells me he's going to call this girl and ensure she does not cause any more drama in our life. but meanwhile isn't that going back on his "i have no plans to talk to her" ? or is it nice that he is trying to ensure that she doesn't cause any more problems and make me feel uncomfortable? god, i just don't know anymore. The thing is I do trust my boyfriend. He is very loyal to me and never talks about other women or flirts w/them. He is very faithful but I don't trust these women and it makes me really uncomfortable that i have to continuously deal with them. Especially when we are already having problems... we don't NEED any more problems! My question is should I have been upset about this or should i have just stayed mum? I am really trying to choose my battles these days. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Yep, the old refrain "I trust my boyfriend but I don't trust other women" or "I trust my girlfriend but I don't trust other men". Actually, you do not trust your boyfriend...and most people who say the same thing don't trust their partner either but to verbalize it would mean that they would have to acknowledge big doubts in the relationship. Ask yourself this question...why does he seem to have all these nutcase exs? Do you really think exs would be that persisitant if they were not getting encouragement? At the very least this man is encouraging attentions from his exs until he gets tired of it. I don't think he is that honourable. If it happened with one person, yeah, maybe it was just that person was a nut..but two people! I smell a rat and I think this guy is being so outraged at you as a way to deflect from his own guilt. That is a standard ploy of the guilty. He may not be responding to her in your presence but you don't know what happens when you are not around...you are not with him 24/7. I think it is him that you should be concerned about more than the ex. Also, many people who cheat be it physically or emotionally, will deny it and will make claims that the person with whom they are accused of cheating is a nutcase and will make up all kinds of stories about them to back it up. I wouldn't trust your boyfriend...there is a track record here. Link to comment
karvala Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I'm glad to hear that you're trying to choose your battles these days, but I think you need a bit more practice. This is certainly one battle you shouldn't have chosen. Long story short: the other girl is a fruitcake, one rung short of a ladder. Nothing in all that you wrote gives any indication that your bf is attempting to fix up anything with her, wants to hook up her, is encouraging her in any real way, or basically doing anything other than telling her to go away and ignoring her and hoping that she'll get the hint. Any sane person would have done, but unfortunately this girl doesn't seem to fit into that category. It really isn't your bf's fault that he keeps getting these calls/texts. Perhaps he should be firmer with her, given that his policy of ignoring her, which is the usual approach, does not appear to be working. He can try that now. But you have absolutely no reason not to trust him here, and he has good reason to be upset that you appear not to. Do the decent thing, explain to him that you were just upset, you didn't real mean it, make up with him, and then ask him during that conversation, very calmly and politely, if, the next time she contacts him, he will be very firm with her. I'm sure he'll agree and your relationship will be better for having seen some mutual goodwill. Link to comment
uhohlala Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Couldn't agree more. And what's up with all the phone "accidents" -- your mom "accidentally" answered his cellphone (how does that happen?), his sister "accidentally" gave this girl his number ... ? Hmm... He's jerking you around. But you're playing right along, pretending that the problem is the other woman. If he were up-front and honorable, this wouldn't be happening. Simple as that. Link to comment
karvala Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Couldn't agree more. And what's up with all the phone "accidents" -- your mom "accidentally" answered his cellphone (how does that happen?), his sister "accidentally" gave this girl his number ... ? Hmm... He's jerking you around. But you're playing right along, pretending that the problem is the other woman. If he were up-front and honorable, this wouldn't be happening. Simple as that. Pretending? The OP is writing a first-hand account. This isn't based on what he told her: she's witnessed herself this other woman texting and calling repeatedly, at inappropriate hours, being ignored by her bf until eventually he answers simply to tell her to go away, and then even writing desperate things such as "I was not writing you for a romantic intention I just wanted advice from someone I thought I respected". This isn't the message from someone expecting a warm and encouraging reply, or who has had nice recent contact. You think these are the actions of a couple likely to hook up? I couldn't think of a better way to turn someone off than how this girl is behaving. If she's really interested in having a clandestine affair with the OP's bf, and he's interested in having one with her, then all I can say is they're going about it in a mighty strange way. I don't know about the bf's track record, so maybe there is some background that I should be aware of here, but solely on the basis of things the OP has witnessed and written here, I'd say the probability that these two are going to hook up, and the probability that the bf even wants to, is something close to zero. Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I don't know if he's telling you everything or not, but regardless, he should just change his phone number. Link to comment
waveseer Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 He could get rid of her for good if he wanted to, don't doubt that for a minute. He is walking the fence, staying in contact with her but trying to keep you from being too upset at the same time. Everyone in this scenario will lose if the dishonesty continues. Link to comment
WindowTo Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I don't agree that this guy is doing anything that shady. I do agree that he may be trying to treat this women with some humanity, and I guess you could categorize that as "encouraging them to call" but I wouldn't categorize that as infidelity or anything close to it. I mean, it is not impossible that this guy is doing something dishonest, but it is jumping to conclusions to assume that he is based on the evidence that he has told her to chill and she has continued to act crazy. These women may be pursuing him this fashion because he does not want to be mean to them and they interpret that as a "chance". Link to comment
septembermourning Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 my mom accidentally answered his phone because it was ringing and she wanted it to stop so she flipped it open not knowing how to operate it. what can i say. that has nothing to do with him. and she was not listed in his contacts. it just came up as a phone number. his sister is a special needs person and she has his old cell phone... this crazy girl called his old number got his sister and asked her for her brother's number and she is slow so she did not know to say no or know she could not trust her, so she gave her his number. again, i do believe he's telling the truth. I know his sister has his old cell. my boyfriend has never given me any reason to not trust him. out of anyone i've ever dated he has always been the most honest. I have never once caught him in a lie. his actions always match his words. he never even so much as says another woman is attractive, not even celebrities. never compares me to other women either or looks at them when we are out. his ex girlfriend cheated on him actually. So maybe you are right I was not trusting him 100% not because he has given me reason to, but because we have been rocky lately... but me not trusting him 100% i don't think is HIS fault but more my issues with my last ex who was always talking to girls behind my back and trying to get w/them. Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 It's nice that he's being honest with you & upfront with her, telling her he's spending time with you & all...but if he REALLY wanted to get rid of her, he could. Either he still cares about her to some extent, or he isn't quite ready to put her in his past. If someone is really bothering you & won't leave you alone, despite ignoring them numerous times & making it obvious enough...you will do everything in your power to get rid of them, even if it resorts to changing your number. It seems like he's working his way around everything. Trying to keep you happy, but trying not to upset her too much. "It's not appropriate for you to call or text, I hope you are ok, bye." She's ok enough to be constantly texting him, why does he need to show that he cares how she is? You have a right to be upset because he should be stepping up to the plate & being firm with her. Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Why not just have him to tell her to not call again and/or change his cell phone number and be done with it? Link to comment
septembermourning Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 I think the humanity part is right. My boyfriend has a "do the right thing" mentality for people that are struggling. I have the same thing. It's true that I have been in his situation where I have an ex contacting me and I Feel sorry for them and don't want to be mean to them but also don't want to hurt my current boyfriend by staying in touch. Ultimately it comes down to a choice and most people choose their current relationship over the old if they want to maintain harmony. Link to comment
septembermourning Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 changing a cell phone number is kind of an ordeal, isn't it? Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 changing a cell phone number is kind of an ordeal, isn't it? There are many other options he can resort to before changing his number. He doesn't have to wait til she gets annoying to tell her that "it's not the right time". He can have a talk with her & tell her that there's no point in them keeping in touch, & that it would probably be better for everyone if they no longer spoke. If he can't do so, that means he still cares about her to some extent, for whatever reason. Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 changing a cell phone number is kind of an ordeal, isn't it? It's easy to do, then you can just send a mass text message out to everybody in your phone with the new number. But ya, I would talk to her first, tell her to stop contacting him (him tell her) and if she doesn't comply, change his number. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 he never even so much as says another woman is attractive, not even celebrities. never compares me to other women either or looks at them when we are out. his ex girlfriend cheated on him actually. Just because someone does not do these things doesn't mean they won't cheat. Also, often cheaters will claim that their ex cheated on them. That is a pretty classic line from those who are cheating...they claim the exs are either cheaters or nutcases. Something is just not sitting right in this case...two exs running after him, one was a cheater and one was a nutcase...hmmm...I am not all that convinced it is solely down to these women. Link to comment
kaoticbaby Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I don't agree that this guy is doing anything that shady. I do agree that he may be trying to treat this women with some humanity, and I guess you could categorize that as "encouraging them to call" but I wouldn't categorize that as infidelity or anything close to it. I mean, it is not impossible that this guy is doing something dishonest, but it is jumping to conclusions to assume that he is based on the evidence that he has told her to chill and she has continued to act crazy. These women may be pursuing him this fashion because he does not want to be mean to them and they interpret that as a "chance". i agree. sorry if this upsets you but, there are a lot of guys that i have been friends with, some who i have hookedup with. although i am no longer interested in being with them, my sympathetic side doesn't want to be completely rude to them either. i am in no way interested in them, or even being their friend but...if they called me with what seemed to be a problem (especially if they exhibited signs of being suicidal in the past) i wouldn't be able to just simply tell them to "F off." I think I would handle it the same way your boyfriend did. i think your boyfriend handled it well. he told her he had a girlfriend, and that it was inappropriate to continue talking to her. what more do you want? i agree it's annoying, and maybe it's fishy that she keeps calling but, keep in mind, she did say flat out that he hasn't been answering her so you can be sure that he doesn't wait until you leave the room to text her back. edit: sorry if that sounded a little too stern . if i were in your shoes, i would be pissed off also. but my anger would be more directed toward her than my boyfriend. Link to comment
uhohlala Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Pretending? The OP is writing a first-hand account. This isn't based on what he told her: she's witnessed herself this other woman texting and calling repeatedly, at inappropriate hours, being ignored by her bf until eventually he answers simply to tell her to go away, and then even writing desperate things such as "I was not writing you for a romantic intention I just wanted advice from someone I thought I respected". This isn't the message from someone expecting a warm and encouraging reply, or who has had nice recent contact. Perhaps, but the fact remains that the girl (and remember this is the second woman who has been inappropriately blowing up the OP's bf's phone!) clearly thinks that she's going to get what she wants from him with enough persistence. Is it because she's crazy: maybe. But two crazy women behaving in remarkably similar ways with this guy -- what are the odds? This girl has been described (let's assume accurately) as not even a girlfriend but merely a former FWB. So what has given her the impression that she can lean on the OP's bf this way? You don't need to tolerate unhealthy behavior from someone just to "show humanity" to them. You can be decent and supportive by helping them to identify a need (e.g. "it sounds like you need to have more friends around you right now so you're not just relying on me, hundreds of miles away, to be your main source of support."). OP: if you're satisfied with your bf's answers and explanations, if you know that things that sound like weird coincidences (e.g. his sister giving out his phone number) are really nothing to be concerned about, that's great. But the problem is still with how your bf is handling this unwanted communication. You're right that it does come down to a choice between you and this former FWB. Just as he had to choose between you and his ex-girlfriend. Hopefully he'll choose you this time too. But ... is there going to be a next time, a new person? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 A link to a previous thread. This guy sounds very controlling and passive aggressive. You have certain insecurities and issues based on your upbringing and he is pushing all those buttons..and he knows it. You are walking on eggshells around him and that is the modus operandi of passive aggressives. They call it crazy-making behaviour. They give with one hand and take away with the other hand leaving the person feeling frustrated and crazy and like somehow it is all their fault for being too sensitive. Notice how the other two exs also went crazy. Passive aggressives know how to play the role of the nice person while simultaneously undercutting the person in a very sly indirect way. Quite frankly I think the relationship you have with him is probably the same kind of relationship he had with his ex and with his FWB...assuming she understood it to be an FWB..perhaps he pretended it was more to her face while now telling you it was an FWB. There is something really very off about this guy and how he behaves. Link to comment
arcadefire Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 If he really cared about you, he would change his number. It only costs like $15 and like someone said, mass text or facebook message (not to his fwb ex) that he changed his number. The fact that he keeps communicating with her (probably behind your back) gives you very good reason to feel disrespected. Sounds like this guy has a lot of baggage. Perhaps you want to find someone who doesn't keep in contact with crazies. Link to comment
septembermourning Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 I appreciate everyone's feedback but honestly I have no reason NOT to trust him at this point. We have been together for a year and he has never lied to me. I have never even caught him in a partial mistruth. I guess I'm surprised at the amount of people on here just writing him off and telling me he is some shady underhanded loser. This is not a bad guy or a person that uses people. This is a guy who met his last girlfriend when she had a 2 month old baby. He then proceeded to raise her child for the next year while she shopped and had her nails done. He cooked, cleaned and cared for her child whereas she wouldn't change her child's diaper because she had just gotten a french manicure. Then when he stood up to her and told her she needed to pitch in or he was going to leave the relationship, she cheated on him! I know this story is true because he's very close with his mom and she has verified everything because she met the ex and her son many times. I've dated liars before and I know what they look like and how they act... believe me. I didn't even start this thread to talk about whether or not he's lying or not, that was never even the question. The thread was more about whether I was choosing to be upset about something that is not a big deal because I felt he was disregarding my feelings and not really caring how those texts were making me uncomfortable. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Yet another example of what you wrote about this guy. You can make all the excuses you want about him but I think this is a toxic relationship and his controlling nature will get worse. I also think you have your own issues to deal with and between your issues and his issues this is a very toxic combination. He is playing up to your fears and then you resist and then the two of you fight. This guy is showing signs of controlling behaviour...you are only 1 year in and he is doing this. For his part I think he chooses troubled women and you yourself have a lot of issues that need to be sorted out. I am not trying to be mean..I am simply trying to show you an outsider's perspective on the dynamics of your relationship. The bigger picture. Link to comment
septembermourning Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 crazyaboutdogs- I'm not upset. I appreciate your perspective and the fact that you have read through my other posts before offering your opinion. I think a lot of people don't even try to figure out the background and offer advice blindly so I do appreciate your effort and for looking out for my best interests. I don't know what the right answer is with my boyfriend. I don't think my boyfriend is a bad guy or malicious but I do think that maybe we can not align because he is more type A in certain respects and I am more of a B. I think we are at that normal point in a relationship where the honeymoon has ended and both sides are fighting for control. But I also think that we could both really help each other, me by helping him to relax a little be more sensitive of others, him by motivating me to be more pro-active and not take things so personally. I have some things I want to work on, namely choosing my battles, not making him responsible for the fears instilled in me by others (which I know I do) and being a little more open to suggestion. He is also working on things like trying to be more patient with me, more understanding and less rigid. We both admit to our flaws and have told each other we really want to work on them. I feel that the changes I am working on will only benefit me anyway regardless of how things go with him so it's not like I'm doing these things just to suit him. We have therapy tonight so I will keep you posted. Yet another example of what you wrote about this guy. You can make all the excuses you want about him but I think this is a toxic relationship and his controlling nature will get worse. I also think you have your own issues to deal with and between your issues and his issues this is a very toxic combination. He is playing up to your fears and then you resist and then the two of you fight. This guy is showing signs of controlling behaviour...you are only 1 year in and he is doing this. For his part I think he chooses troubled women and you yourself have a lot of issues that need to be sorted out. I am not trying to be mean..I am simply trying to show you an outsider's perspective on the dynamics of your relationship. The bigger picture. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Good luck with the therapy tonight. One thing he needs to improve on is not micro-managing your life, such as telling you how to drive the car etc. Link to comment
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