Girls who date/dated Muslim guys!

[Janne]

I'm calling to ladies who ever been /or is in a relationship with Muslim guys, and worked it out , or probably broke up..

I just want to hear from you, and discuss on this subject.

I am Christian and engaged, my fiance is Muslim. But I'm not sure we can save this relationship cause of our religious differences...

I just feel like talking to someone who is/ or been through this, to listen to different stories, and to feel i'm not alone here

[Reeling]

What is the exact problem you're facing?

 

Is it the wedding ceremony? Is it the religion you'll raise children in? Is it religious views towards marriage? Is it family disapproval of interfaith marriage?

[D_Lish]

I was in one with a Muslim guy.....we are still friends.

 

He wasn't extreme, but he has and holds strong views. If I'd ended up with him, he'd have expected me to convert and any kids to be Muslim. I knew this because of the way he'd talk sometimes and also he'd say that his family would never accept me, unless I was Muslim....

His family knew nothing about me and I was a secret and remain so. They dont even know he calls me.

 

I read your story earlier and to be honest, if I'd ended up with him, it would've been no problem for me converting or any kids to be Muslim either...to keep the peace I guess.

 

However I do see converting for a man as a bit stupid and because you would be converting for all the wrong reasons....

[Pappers]

Interfaith and cultural relationships can be tough.

My ex was muslim and I christian, and although he said he wasn't religious in any way, when it came down to it the cultural differences and expectations placed on him by his family got in the way. He dumped me a week before his parents arrived (for a 2 month visit).

I am now in a new relationship, also with another muslim man. His family is more accepting however, and he is not practising.

So it can be done, but I believe communication is very important, and also agreeing on some of the fundamentals. If you are getting married, you will need to discuss how your children will be raised (most likely he will want them to be raised muslim), the expectations on you, between you and his family, etc.

 

It can work, but the relationship must be golden. If there is slightest hesitation in the back of your mind I suggest to reconsider what you want. Feel free to write me privately if you want more details on the dynamics of a relationship - one that ended up brokenhearted, the other seemingly working very well.

[stingray]

I don't think its too big of a deal but I think you should be more specific as to the country from where your boyfriend is from!

 

This makes a difference because they are huge cultural differences that play huge parts into this entire equation. For example, Pakistani men are usually more open minded when it comes to this issue. That's exactly why you see a lot of Pakistanis with girls from different cultures.

[ay0_x]

I don't think its too big of a deal but I think you should be more specific as to the country from where your boyfriend is from!

 

This makes a difference because they are huge cultural differences that play huge parts into this entire equation. For example, Pakistani men are usually more open minded when it comes to this issue. That's exactly why you see a lot of Pakistanis with girls from different cultures.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

If your boyfriend is an Arab, you may be in for a tough time.

 

I'm Arabic, but I refuse to date Muslim guys. I've dated them in the past and it has been a major disaster.

 

They are usually strict on how they want their girlfriend/wife to dress. There's a chance that he will want you to convert, and don a hijab. He will say it is his right to raise his kids as Muslims so you'll have to raise them as that.

 

There are also certain "marital responsibilities" that Islam grants a woman. These include keeping a good house, having sex with your husband whenever he wants, and not leaving the house without his permission even to visit your family.

 

Whether or not your boyfriend will want you to exercise these responsibilities is a personal thing, I don't know your boyfriend.

 

Also.. if you havent already.. I don't recommend sleeping with him. Muslim guys usually have less respect for girls who aren't virgins.

[Janne]

Thank you all for the comments guys!!

Well, we are engaged, and he is muslim from Lebanon.

We've been in a commited relationship for almost 3 years by now. And engaged last year. (I wrote the more detailed story in my other post in "Relationships"), so the major problem that is disturbing me now is that he changed somewhat drammatically after our official engagement from compromising and open-minded type to a 'Master'. Now I feel I am more under control from his side, and in a way he wants to change me now to correspond to his model of 'an ideal wife'. Although he is still the most loving and caring guy I ever met...

Now he told me it's a must that I convert to Islam, although we never had a conversation about this in such a categoric way before.. I was showing interest in his reigion,yes, but that didn't mean I would be willing to convert into it, did it? Or he simply misunderstood me?

Though he always seemed to be very open-minded and telling me from the start of our knowing each other that he wasn't a strict practicing muslim at all.. Now he seems to become more reigious..

We are in love and are very much afraid to lose each other but he let me know that I'd have to convert to Islam if I want to work out a happy marriage together...

I read hundreds of stories where interfaith couples faced the same problem and it was followed by a painful breakup.. Is it the only way out now? I still want to save this relationship.. and he does too, but it seems like I'm working only from one side now and he leaves it up to me to make major changes about myself first.. And he doesn't feel like making any compromise here

[Janne]

However I do see converting for a man as a bit stupid and because you would be converting for all the wrong reasons....

 

Dear, D_Lish, can you please comment more on this line, cause it sound interesting but I didn't fully understand what you meant by "converting for all the wrong reasons"

 

Hug!

[Clarity]

This is an interesting thread for me to read as a liberal, Muslim man in a western country - I often wonder how I am perceived as dating material by western women. I mostly find myself attracted to liberal, western women but I'm always curious about whether my religious identity (things like not drinking, fasting, etc.) are a red flag for those women...

 

I should add that, although I want to date someone who has *similar* values to mine, I would never impose my beliefs on others. For example, I wouldn't be compatible with someone who drank on a regular basis, but I wouldn't be opposed to dating someone who drank occasionally for social reasons, as long as they were comfortable with me not drinking.

[Janne]

- I often wonder how I am perceived as dating material by western women

 

With this open-minded attitude - you are certainly a very appealing dating 'material'

I think many Western women are very attracted to Muslim guys (Asian guys), for they are 'whole new world' and very interesting to discover (IMO) And you, guys, seem to know everything about 'the right romance' which usually gets followed by falling into a deep love..

Great if when marriage gets on agenda, your partner appears open-minded enough to leave the cultural or religious frames behind and accept you as you are!

So many interfaith couples who were in a crazy love with each other and considered marriage broke up because of religious issues..

If my Muslim bf was understanding enough and not demanding me to convert to Islam, I wouldn't wish for anything more! I do respect his religion and culture and I just expect that he respects my cultural background too.

Well, this can be taken as the best dating advice for now

[stingray]

I am actually a little bit upset by some of the sweeping generalizations made in the thread. I am going to do my best to correct the inaccuracies in this thread.

He will say it is his right to raise his kids as Muslims so you'll have to raise them as that.

In Islam, that is not a right its just kind of expected but this is not something Islam forces. This is all considering that the spouse decides to convert and technically she must convert. Who takes religion 100% literally anymore anyway? Besides, all the 3 major religions have such sensitivities its just that in Islam they are taken a bit more seriously.

 

There are also certain "marital responsibilities" that Islam grants a woman.

You fail to mention Islam also provides women with great protection in society. Especially, when it comes to disputes with her husband and marriage in general. Let's not make this one sided!

 

These include keeping a good house

Look at the time the 3 major religions of the world were based around. The Islamic

 

having sex with your husband whenever he wants

 

 

Islam also gives women the same benefit and in fact allows women to leave their husband if he cannot perform.

 

not leaving the house without his permission even to visit your family.

This is NOT true at all! I don't know who you got this from but thats not true the slightest bit. Maybe its a cultural tradition from your place of origin but this is not something common in the Muslim world.

 

Muslim guys usually have less respect for girls who aren't virgins.

Don't generalize all the guys in the 2nd largest religion in the world.

 

Though he always seemed to be very open-minded and telling me from the start of our knowing each other that he wasn't a strict practicing muslim at all.. Now he seems to become more reigious..

This is from pressure being applied by his most likely conservative parents.

 

I strongly advise that you take a strong approach to towards him because if you cannot accept his demands then you should make it known now. Don't let it go quietly because you will regret it later in life.

 

Personally, I would NEVER pressure a girl into anything even if my parents would apply pressure. I would make it very clear to them that it is my life and if they don't like it well then too bad. I believe in free choice that my wife and I could be from different religions and still have wonderful life. That our children could be introduced to both cultures and figure it out on their own.

 

Love is more powerful than anything and its gods gift to us and we shouldn't abuse it over trivial things. The three major religions are so closely related that the differences are minor.

[Janne]

the spouse decides to convert and technically she must convert.

 

I believe in free choice that my wife and I could be from different religions and still have wonderful life. That our children could be introduced to both cultures and figure it out on their own.

 

So you say that one spouse should convert 'technically' without giving it a lot of thinking? And it's not a big deal in the end?

 

Anyway, great post NoFXN! That is a healthy open-mindedness. I wish you could talk to my boyfriend..

[Vet]

With all the stigmas (and red flags) of western women dating eastern men aside, you need to focus on your individual relationship with your fiance. You have yourself said in this thread and the other one that he has changed since you became engaged, and that he has tried to take on a dominant role while dumping you in the submissive. That should be a huge red flag for you if that's not what you're looking for (and I don't think it is).

 

I'll preface this hypothesis with a disclaimer that I don't know you or him, and what you've written is your story, not his. With that in mind, my perception of this is that it sounds like he's a very religious person with very fixed ideals on what a marriage is. It seems like he saw you as a fling and not something serious, but when you became engaged, he realized that you could very well end up being his wife. That's why your relationship has shifted from what you've known to a more traditional Islamic relationship dynamic. Again, I fully admit that this is a generalization based on a few of your posts, but that's what it sounds like.

 

You're the only person in this thread that knows him. You know the stereotypes just as well as any of us, but you know him personally and more importantly you know yourself. What's the worst case scenario for you in this situation? It sounds like you're going to have to convert to remain with this man. Is that what you want? If you don't know what you're getting yourself into, then you're not ready to convert. I didn't notice you say if he's Shia, Sunni, Alawis, etc., but that makes a HUGE difference. I hope that you know the traditions and practices you're getting involved in.

[Janne]

It seems like he saw you as a fling and not something serious, but when you became engaged, he realized that you could very well end up being his wife.

 

I didn't notice you say if he's Shia, Sunni, Alawis, etc., but that makes a HUGE difference. I hope that you know the traditions and practices you're getting involved in.

 

Thank you for the comment also!

No, he never saw me as a fling or just a girl to have fun with, on the contrary, almost from the very start of our relationship he showed me that he wants it serious and almost from the start he started talking about commitment, our future plans and uber happy shared life etc etc. He was always decent and super flexible. With everything - including the religion, but never introduced me to what it will be like when we are married, i mean gaps in our roles, my convertion and obedience. He was religious yes, but never exposed it on me, and i thought we'll be taking it easy also after marriage cause he had forbearance to my own religion and mentality etc.

But after we got officially engaged, visited his country and i met his family, he changed from an open-minded and soft and romantic guy to a surprisingly conservative Muslim and it's aggravating ;( And now i only hear what i must do and what are the limits, and being preached to how it all should be according to Quran. He placed me in a position where i must live up to their traditional standart of "a good wife", be obedient and calm, "love Islam" to be able to educate our kids properly, etc or quit if I feel i won't fit in his frames..

 

Well i fell in love with a charming, romantic, fabulous 'prince' from 1001 Arabian nights and engaged to a conservative dominant monster...

And I feel I'm ended up in some emotional trap, cause i understand that i must run, and i can't leave him.. There is still some huge spell of his charm upon me, I'm messed into some deep romantic whirl that i can't rip myself out of..

Btw, he is Muslim Sunni (sorry i might misspell it), from Lebanon. And this, what i heard, is a light version of other Islamic brunches...

[Vet]

Forgive me for saying, but there's talk and there's actions. Whatever your past was, it seems like he's determined what the climate of your present (and future) will be, and without your consent on top of that, which is a red flag in modern society.

 

I don't know if I would call Sunni a "light" version of Islam. There really isn't such a thing. I am surprised that you don't know more of your boyfriend's religion. Have you ever asked him to explain it to you and asked questions about things you don't understand?

[Janne]

I am surprised that you don't know more of your boyfriend's religion. Have you ever asked him to explain it to you and asked questions about things you don't understand?

 

No no i do have a good knowledge of Islam and especially the brunch my bf belongs to. He told me a lot and i'm constantly reading and learning different literature on the subject. I basically can already start teaching Islam for dummies at schools or smthg.. LOL

The point is not that. His religion is good, and cool but with all my respect to my bf i still can't make myself start 'lovin' it' compulsory or because i have to, to please someone..

[stingray]

So you say that one spouse should convert 'technically' without giving it a lot of thinking? And it's not a big deal in the end?

No, I am saying that technically according to Islam you need to convert in order to marry him. This is just trivial stuff though its the individual that makes a relationship work not their religion. You need to speak to your boyfriend and voice your concern very clearly. Don't go along with everything he says and start to dictate your terms to him as well.

 

This whole relationship thing goes two ways, try to find middle ground that is agreeable to both parties. If you can't then maybe it just wasn't meant to be at the end of the day.

 

That is a healthy open-mindedness. I wish you could talk to my boyfriend..

The funny thing is Islam promotes open-mindedness and that is exactly why Islam was such a driving force in the sciences and maths. Unfortunately, corruption made Government ineffective in Islamic countries and these radicals have started a brain drain.

 

And this, what i heard, is a light version of other Islamic brunches...

My parents come from two different sects in Islam with my mother being from the Sunni branch and my dad from the Shia branch. To be honest, I know I am going to be stepping on toes when I say this but sects are unislamic as divisions within the religion are not allowed. If you look at how these sects were born it was mostly political and has nothing to do with religion.

 

If you want to know the lightest version of Islam its the Sufi branch and their message is quite beautiful. You can read about it here...

link removed

 

They are a lot of people who oppose it but its accepted as a form of Islam by the majority of Muslims. They can pretty much be considered as modern day hippies! Sufism is actually being used by the Government of Pakistan to fight the extremists in society. This tactic is working and has swayed public opinion dramatically.

 

I don't know if I would call Sunni a "light" version of Islam. There really isn't such a thing. I am surprised that you don't know more of your boyfriend's religion. Have you ever asked him to explain it to you and asked questions about things you don't understand?

Well is there a light version of any religion around the world? Religion is all about the way one perceives religious texts and how they choose to interpret them. Everyone has got different views especially when it comes to Islam because of the way it was written in Arabic.

[SpeedingCars]

I just came back from my friend's house. Her mom is Christian, her father is Muslim. My friend is Muslim as well as all of her sisters. I have attended some of the family parties and I LOVE her family! The diversity/harmony is amazing and they get along pretty well.

 

I happened to ask how their marriage works and she told me that a Muslim man is able to marry a non-Muslim woman as long as she is Christian or Jewish... something like that... "people of the book".

 

Lemme tell you - her father is soo strict but he actually accepts a lot. Sounds very contradicting, but I don't know how else to describe it. What I'm saying is... there can be a good balance of both religions in the household. I've witnessed it myself. Her father does not try to impose his religion on his wife to the point of being overbearing. They respect each other's views. When his wife goes to a Muslim wedding or event, she wears the proper attire. Same goes for the husband. He does not pressure her to be obedient or submissive. She is a good wife nonetheless. They give each other space when they need it. It is a mutual respect, which overcomes everything else.

 

You said that he is expecting you to live up to his standards... do you think you can handle it if he starts pressuring you to cover up completely in proper attire and other sorts of things?

 

Maybe it's best to really think about getting engaged until you're completely sure or everything.

[D_Lish]

Dear, D_Lish, can you please comment more on this line, cause it sound interesting but I didn't fully understand what you meant by "converting for all the wrong reasons"

 

Hug!

 

Basically I mean that if people want to convert, they should do so and for the right reasons. They should convert and because they want too and because they 'believe' that relgion to be the true one....

 

Converting just to keep a guy happy, would be wrong....and because you would be converting, without truly believing in that religion.

 

To convert, is to basically turn your back on everything you have become accustomed too, everything you have been brought up to believe in, your way of life and forsake it for another way of life...

No more Santa Claus at Christmas, lol....that is the part I'd miss actually and because I love Christmas....

[waterdrop]

Hopefully it isn't too late to advice you but.. be careful

Been there and almost got my life destroyed

Don't let him smooth-talk you away from the truth

John 14, 6 "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me"

 

[penelope13]

I think you have to have a very open and direct conversation with him in detail what his expectations are. "Islam (or any other religion/culture)" can mean a lot of different things for different people either culturally or religiously. You have to know what his specific expectations and hopes are. The more different your backgrounds are the more open communication is required.

 

You already experience a shift in his expectations and behavior since your engagement, a shift that apparently was not communicated to you beforehand. Thus now is the time to be very sure about what would change if you go through with the wedding.

 

Would it be a wedding according to his traditions? What are those? Would you be able to feel right with them? Etc.

 

Love is unfortunately not always enough on a day to day basis. Philosophically there might not be big differences in cultures and religions, but when you have to deal with a situation you might not always pause to think about what his culture (or the other way around) would expect/suggest rather you have to make on the spot decisions, which necessarily will be routed in your own upbringing and background.

 

It's also a big responsibility to be asked to raise your children in a faith/culture that you are not used to. In order to do that successfully (i.e. if it is supposed to be more than in name only) you would have to emerge yourself completely. Taking on a religion just for the sake of it, is not a good idea IMHO. It's something different, if you could really identify with it.

[Chelsea931]

Janne , save yourself . I have been in a relationship wit a muslim guy . At first it was really exciting but then it went down hill due to conflict in our religion . I am christian .