Healing from 4 year relationship

[blklauderdale27]

Its been almost a year now since my lover walked out on me. I still dont understand why. I was told it was because i didnt appreciate him enough, and i needed to stop moving around. I begged him to move to south fla because of the fact that i thought we needed a new start. We constant arguments about his Ex's and i knew that he was still sleeping with them. I Just got so tired and fed up that i decided to move. HE did move along with me but was very unhappy. I did everything i could to keep him happy but he would find something to get upset about pack his things and leave. The last time he left we talked, and he was coming back but he never came back. HE now lives with his x and i cant go to visit him. I talked to him a few times and he said that he would be staying their and not coming back. The only alternative he gave me was to move back where he was again. I love him so much and the pain of loosing him hurts so much. I resorted to taking yellow jackets because they helped with the pain. I think i took them for about a year. I took them because it was so hurt over the fact that he was still sleeping with his x/s and i wanted him all to myself. That was the reason i made the desperate move to try to have him all to myself. Behind my back he still visited his x and still had some type of relationship even though we moved. i talk to him regularly. begging him to please come back, he is not coming back for sure. i have considered moving back, and right now i want to move back. i feel like i have no other choice. Its either be miserable here missing him, or go back and have him and let him do what he was doing before. It seems like i was a lot happier when i was with him than now. My grades in school have went back up to a/s now that we are apart. I was actually on academic suspension becuase i just couldnt stay focused on concentrate. He would embarrass me in public everywhere we went . I have always been the quiet shy type, and it really takes someone pushing my buttons or running over me for me to say something. I read all these books and tapes about letting go and it just seems like every morning i wake up the movie theater screen roles down. And my whole day is spent in misery thinking about him and wishing i had done something different. Also the desperation of just wanting to move back into the situation again. i have a lot of anger inside. i cry a lot. i just shut everyone out. even family. It also seems as though im afraid of people now. i have a hard time looking people in the eyes. and i find myself calling him up telling him how i feel hoping he will feel sorry for me and come back. but it never works. he tells me my only alternative is to grow up and move back. i really dont know what to do i want to move back. and part of me is not sure. i did stop taking the yellow jackets but everytime i think about him i get so depressed it seems to be my only way out. I tried meeting a couple of other people and they are only interested in sex. at this point i really dont want to be touched in that way by someone else. i dont know what i want. so what would you guys advise? i am hoping to just be happy again. i was so happy before i got involved with him. i stopped doing everything i loved because he always had a problem with it. i tried to be everything he wanted me to be but still looks like i didnt measure up and he still comments i need to grow up.

[lisaria]

Hey blk, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this. I can understand where you're coming from, only mine's a little different. He cheated and lied and I don't think I can get past that. Not yet anyhow, working on it though.

The very first thing you should do is NO CONTACT. Concentrate on YOU!!! You gave up things for him? Start doing them again now. Get rid of the pills, how are they helping you? When they wear off, you're still in the same situation, it doesn't go away. You're doing better now in school? Good. What else is going good in your life? Make lists. Make a list of all the positive things in your life beginning with your schoolwork. Making As? Fantastic! Also you are free in FL. He is not there to criticize you and call you names like immature. You are free to be who you want to be without his negative remarks. You can be anything you want to be. You are getting out and meeting new people, right? But you met people who only wanted sex? Don't let that stop you. Get out there and find things to do. There are others out there who are true and genuine and will be your friend. You know the old saying, "you gotta kiss alot of toads..." (and my ex was a huge fat green gnarly warty turd of a toad) 0X

Sorry blk, I am working on that anger. I am not having a good weekend. I really hope you are having a better one than me. I wish you all the best. L