rich 1517 - ex husband????

[rich_1517]

i am going to try and say it clearly. because i think we can make our own reality here sometimes by reinforcing either a fear or a hope, we get feedback and poof reality. good but bad too. so this one is about a fear.

 

her ex husband has come up in many conversations. i have wondered about him sometimes, he dumped her for "greener" pastures 4+ years ago.

 

they have had a reasonable working relationship during that time, its one of the reasons i have been attracted to her, keeping a decent perspective on an ex tells you how they will behave in a relationship. my belief. i feel that if a person has nothing good to say about all exes, it may be they dont want to face their part. so i took this as good.

 

so i will just list facts and try to keep my own fear out it

 

before the break up, things were cool between them, very. he would be demanding and non communicative, jusgemental. her complaint about him was in how he talked to and about her.

 

over christmas while i was gone he installed her dishwasher, replaced her bathroom floors. she said he's trying to make up for being a jerk during the marriage.

 

last week when i saw him at her sons play he was ICE cold to me, realising he might be a competitor i made a point of talking to him, i said hye hows it going? nothing, ice cold. she was worried about his "moodiness". she was working the concession stand, and was going to go out early (where he happened to be) I said ill come too. she made a point of sayng no no you stay. i went anyway saying i had to use the bathroom. when i left at the end of this she said "thanks for coming" and a peck on the cheek.

 

now he is going away while selling his house, she is taking care of his cat and offered her couch becuase he hasnt found a place to live yet. uhmm. theres plenty of housing available in that area.

 

he leaves for mexico today with the son and didnt prepare the papers to be a single parent out of country. so she is going to try and get that together for him this morning.

 

ok so real or not real, i have to keep it in mind, not fear, but in mind when i talk to her on monday. i want to ask, but i cant i know that. or can i?

 

the reason i think about this>?

 

she left at a very very bad time for me. i was already at rock bottom emotionally.

 

there were reasons, but it was strange.

 

she brings him up as a comparison frequently -> "you like that im detail oriented - he hated that about me" and about five others like that. all positive though.

 

she said during break up "i will never go back with him", um who was asking? unsolicited explaination.

 

so when she left -> i had no job, wasnt committing, wasnt fun, wasnt getting out, was judgemental.

 

he had job, was there for her, had house

 

now ->

 

i have job, not being judgemental, fun, supportive, committment open

 

he has no job, no house, is being judgemental and no fun

 

i have to just keep fosucing on the fact that im a better competitor

 

anyone see anything here?

[sera_michele]

Well i can possible give you a little bit of light on the stuation, although i am half your age, i think my examples can help.

 

My parents divorced when i was 12 and they were together 23 years. Now i am 21, almost 10 years later and they still cant shut-up about eachother

 

I just think after spending that much of your life with someone and having kids with that person, they are PERMANATLY part of your life, divorce or not.

 

My mom will occasionally call my dad when she is upset or needs advice. This really bothers my step-mom, it is jealousy really. But i know for a fact that neither of my parents have any intention of getting back together, regardless of how much contact they have with eachother.

 

I don't think that you have anything to worry about. and please feel free to ask me anything else about what i have learned from my parents relationship. I can hopefully offer you an objective viewpoint.

[rich_1517]

thanks Sera

 

i think i will take your advice and park it for now. yes i am concerned it does bother me. i should take heart in the fact that when she does make a comparison its for the positive.

 

im just unfamiliar. i grew up in and around families that are still together today. the only reason i ended up with my dad havnig a new wife was beacuse my mom died. so there was never any shared anything, it was all home.

 

so i am learning. her family is the same, her dad and mom though divorced still share many holidays as does the extended family. i think thats great. i just have my own fears and judgements around the "ease" of divorce and seperation.

 

its my own belief that one day i hope to have a partner who will walk all the way with me. however not having been married who can tell? but most of my family is still with the people they married.

 

thats not a judgement just my experience. ok i have judgements but i know they are based in ignorance. the only thing that has been tough at times is that her son wants them back together, always has.

[sera_michele]

How old is he? I promise you he wont always think like that. I wanted my parents back together also, but once i grew up and matured a bit, and was able to see them happier I realized it was all for the best.

 

I know it isnt easy being a step-dad. My advice on that is just for you to be a friend. Don't try to push a relationship on her son. Just be hapy for him when he is happy and be sad for him when he is sad.

 

And remember, just because her son is haveing diffuculties with the break-up of his parents, doesnt mean he doesnt like you. It is a confusing for him. I used to be so angry with my step-dad, and get mad at him a lot. But once i realized what i was doing (remember, i was only 12 at the time) i realized that i really did like him, and now he gets a card on fathers day too!

[Scout]

I don't have any real advice to give, because to tell you the truth, I couldn't be involved in a complicated situation like this, it would cause me way too many negative feelings: jealousy, insecurity, frustration...and that would drive me nuts. I feel for you, Rich!

[rich_1517]

he is six going on seven. and actually its only during this time that i even think about.

 

i have had not motives to create any rift with him and his father, i realise that with any child, being the friend is better then being the parent. i got that down cold. he and i have made a comic together and hes definitely pro me.

 

nah, i bought it up as wrinkle IF his mom is considering the ex.

 

im letting this one go and focusing on keeping me groudned and focused. too much time has been spent for me in guessing land and not living which has been not great for anything.

 

but thanks Sera. much appreciated.

[neallo82288]

Hey bro,

 

I will tell you that a child being involved has the ramifications of the other parent being part of the custodial parents life. Me and my ex-wife talk on many topics and even help each other during problematic times. She has remarried and we still get along, but he does still have an issue with me, but he was the reason I left. Well, you have to respect the fact that they do have a child together and they will be part of their life forever and you must accept that fact that they are an important part of each others life. You have an uncomfortable situation with him living with her, but you must accept that they will always love each other even if they are not in love.

 

Good luck my friend,

Neallo