Question about my minimal/no contact situation - HELP!

[The Capitan]

Hey there everyone - my first post, but have been reading many of the others and this website is absolutely amazing. Ok, a quick version of the story (background info, true question at bottom)...I am 25 and had been together with my girlfriend (21) for about 2 years (minus 3 months during which we took a break under different circumstances). This is a long distance relationship, but always has been (pretty amazing for 2 years). She lives approximately 5-6hrs. away at college and I am currently a 3rd year medical student. Over the past few months we have had a couple of brief rough spots, but it general, we really do not fight and get along very well. About 2 months ago for the first time, I started to hear the occaisional comment over the phone and in person about "haven't you ever thought about other people", etc. Well, two weeks ago, she came to visit me after a week of spring break with her friends down in Nassau, and we had an absolutely amazing time...one of the best weekends yet. I also asked her that weekend about where she was planning to apply to grad schools so that I can think about where I am applying for residency and such..just to think about it - she didn't seem to have any problem with that. Then she went back up to school, and two days later I feel that there is something wrong, ask to talk, and she says that she loves me, loves our relationship, her parents love me, I get along with her friends, but that she realizes that college is almost ending and that she is having so much fun at school...she doesn't want to break up or anything, but she wants to be as 'carefree' as possible..maybe an 'open' relationship? She says she doesn't know why she feels that way...So I call her a little later with tons of questions and concerns, but then say that if she wants this, than we will take it day by day...and of course, for the next 3 days I ended up smothering her with emails, texts, calls, letters..but luckily I realized it. She then called me up, said she wanted to talk (pretty much knew she was going to ask to break up), so I told her how her comments had been so sudden to me (after the last weekend), told her I was smothering her and apologized, and suggested that we not talk for a little while while thinking about our relationship. She agreed, but I knew what she really needed...two days later I called and said that if she space, needed time for her life right now (be young and carefree, etc...even though I am still struggling with this), then we should free from each other for a little while and if she wants, she knows I'm here. She thanked me for being so understanding, and after a little I got off the phone...subsequently received an email stating how "amazing I am", and "thank you, love her".

So, my plan was no contact (in hopes to keep the door open for the future, b/c I truly love her very much, and she knows it)..very difficult considering that the entire time, that is all that was tying us together over the distance...and even worse considering her current overwhelming, abounding social situation at the end of college that is so distracting (good for her)...anyway, tonight, two days later, she calls my cell (I am not there) and a little later my home, just to talk a little. I am curtious, tell a little about my day, ask her about hers, but then end the conversation because I had to go eat...so question is: it already seems like I am on 'step 2' -- or am I? should I just continue like I am, not calling or emailing her and letting her call me, or should I be more strict about it? Don't get me wrong, I live for her phone calls, but I need to figure out what is going to be most positive for the relationship in the long run...

 

Sorry so long..just wanted to give all the background..thanks again everyone...

[redsuede]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.. Your situation is very delicate and its so hard to see what you are really in when you are sitting right there in the middle of it. I see you getting very hurt in this situation.. If you do some reality checks, you will see this for yourself too. She has said she wants to be as carefree as possible. What is that? this is coming from someone whom you have been together with and have established a relationship with. Are these words of someone who is commited? No! Also, now she knows that she can do this, you bet there will be another time if this carefree time doesnt go like she wants this. YOu will be on a string again. You need to realize that this is your life and you going through this suffering is doing you no good, in fact, its toxic! Establish NC is best and during that time, get to know you and "be protective of yourself" dont worry if she comes back or if she doesnt ( I know that is hard hard hard) but once you start focusing on you, it wil come easier everyday. Do you really want to be with someone who tossed you aside so quickly? Dont get tripped up on her saying you are amazing. She sees you as being amazing, but really, you are damaging yourself for her to see you are amazing. Its not worth it.. That is a huge price for you to pay for this girl who wants nothing other than to be carefree. There are lots of people out there who want their cake and eat it too.. I hope I wasnt so blunt. I just really feel for your situation.. Good luck.

[a_little_sparrow]

Capitan,

 

I have to second redsuede. No contact at this point is the best thing possible. I just had my ex email me a week and a half after the breakup asking me to come over and get an old computer. "Great" I think "She's thinking of me" Think again. I went over there to get the computer and basically reenacted the whole breakup.

 

I know what you mean about wanting to leave the door open. I've told my ex the same. But what I've realized is that it's possible to leave the door open, but you don't necessarily have to be standing at the door waiting for her to come through it again. No contact gives you the space, and as people mention on this board all the time: no contact needs to be measured in months, not weeks, and particularly not days.

 

So to answer your question, I don't think you're on step 2 yet (I know which post you're referring to). I think actually you're at the hardest part of step 1. How much contact do you keep with her while still remaining honest with yourself and your feelings. My suggestion is that you set up some time in the future, maybe a month from now, that the two of you decide to get together and talk about the relationship. And then use the time to think for yourself about what's good about what you have, and what's bad.

 

One last little bit of advice here. Be extremely honest with yourself about how you feel toward her. Over the course of my current breakup my ex & I had a break where I was giving her time and space. During that time I couldn't be honest with my feelings about the relationship because I thought for some reason I would be unfaithful to her. I had gone through and told her how much I loved and respected her, and I had to keep that up, I thought. WRONG. She asked for the break, she indicated that she has problems with the relationship. What do you think those problems are? Is she right? Is she right for you? All of these are such hard questions to answer.

 

But in answering them it doesn't mean you are closing the door on her. It means you're deciding whether it's right to hold the door open. It also means you'll be ready to close the door if that's the decision you finally come to.

 

Hope that helps.

[caveat]

Yup, I have to agree with Sparrow...you are at the beginning of 'step one', if you really want to look at it as a series of steps which I recommend that you do not. I passed the 3 month mark of ZERO contact just a couple of weeks ago and I won't kid you, its been a very tough stretch. It really has gotten much better though...time does amazing things.

 

Hardest thing I've ever done in my life was letting her go (especially while hearing her tell me she sees us as man/wife one day, begging me to tell her that we will be okay, but needs to be independent right now...crazy, I know), but I knew I had to. I told her to only call me if she reached a point where she could see me as the only man in her life and it was for the right reasons. She knows I meant it and is respecting that. Its giving her the space and time to figure out what she wants and is giving me the time to heal and move on.

 

It sucks, it hurts, I know. But you have got to bite the bullet and move on. You don't want or need a relationship that weakens you...partnerships are supposed to make you stronger, not weaker.