Is Being Still Hurt Normal?

[vertigoxo]

Is it normal for someone who has recently been through a break up still hurting about their ex dumping them, even though;

 

1. They told the dumper they don't think they're right for each other.
   
2. Has rebounded several times, relationships and casual encounters wise.
   
3. It's been 5 months since the break up, with some strict NC in between some.
   

 

Thanks!

 

PS- Is hurting still = Loving the dumper still, even though they refuse to admit it?

[Zoey]

it's normal. the healing process and length is different for different people. It's not easy. Don't force yourself.

*hug*

[90_hour_sleep]

are those 3 points in reference to you? were the rebounds always with the intention of healing?

 

there's a difference between the belief in healing...and knowing that you've healed.

[vertigoxo]

Honestly you guys. This is about my ex. I'm the dumper, and I've tried to really be nice to him last month, but he was acting really weird. Finally, a mutual friend confirmed it to me that he was "still hurt", and it made me feel bad because my intentions was the never hurt him in the first place.

[Zoey]

then i suggest that you should leave him be and be in less contact with him.

 

hurting can be many things. it can be pride, feeling of loss, anger of being not in control, unable to accept [whatever it is] etc. and not just loving or feeling love toward the other person.

 

it's a sense of self, feeling toward oneself and not the sense of sharing (toward for another being)

[vertigoxo]

then i suggest that you should leave him be and be in less contact with him.

 

hurting can be many things. it can be pride, feeling of loss, anger of being not in control, unable to accept [whatever it is] etc. and not just loving or feeling love toward the other person.

 

it's a sense of self, feeling toward oneself and not the sense of sharing (toward for another being)

 

I haven't spoken to him in almost a month, I want him to be okay. I'm not those stereotypical dumpers where they don't care and just want to hurt the dumpees over and over, I'm not like that.

[testcase]

I haven't spoken to him in almost a month, I want him to be okay. I'm not those stereotypical dumpers where they don't care and just want to hurt the dumpees over and over, I'm not like that.

 

If that's the case tho.... a lot of times there is nothing you can do short of turning back time. It's not really your job to make him feel ok and to be honest there really isn't much you could do... most attempts could actually make him more upset. Its probably best just to leave him be to short things out for himself.

[vertigoxo]

If that's the case tho.... a lot of times there is nothing you can do short of turning back time. It's not really your job to make him feel ok and to be honest there really isn't much you could do... most attempts could actually make him more upset. Its probably best just to leave him be to short things out for himself.

 

Thank you testcase. It's just hard because on this site, if you're a dumper, you're automatically evil. Well, I'm not evil. I'm raised to be respectable to people even if they don't deserve my kindness.

[DEANRI]

Thank you testcase. It's just hard because on this site, if you're a dumper, you're automatically evil. Well, I'm not evil. I'm raised to be respectable to people even if they don't deserve my kindness.

 

I don't think that's true. I dumped my girlfriend and I hurt and am definitely not evil. I still care immensely for my g/f but we just were on different pages and cirucumstances wouldn't allow us to move forward. I'll care about her well being but there is nothing I can do or say to make her comforting. If there was, I wouldn't have dumped her. You'll hurt him more if you reach out to him.

[vertigoxo]

I don't think that's true. I dumped my girlfriend and I hurt and am definitely not evil. I still care immensely for my g/f but we just were on different pages and cirucumstances wouldn't allow us to move forward. I'll care about her well being but there is nothing I can do or say to make her comforting. If there was, I wouldn't have dumped her. You'll hurt him more if you reach out to him.

 

 

I'm terribly sorry for your situation. It's kinda like... you HAVE to dump them, you know? It's something I never wanted to, but there was nothing we can do about our relationship anymore. I'll always care but like you said, there's nothing we can do.

[starlight40]

I hear ya, im the dumper too and i feel bad about the whole thing, my situation doesnt sound the same in that my ex was emotonally abusive so i kinda had to end it for my own sanity but i cant identify with you saying your not the type of dumper that just doesnt care anymore, i really shouldnt but i feel terrible cos i know hes hurt and almost wish he had dumped me......

[Zoey]

I haven't spoken to him in almost a month, I want him to be okay. I'm not those stereotypical dumpers where they don't care and just want to hurt the dumpees over and over, I'm not like that.

 

your wanting him to be ok would not make him to be ok. You can want so much but if he doesn't want to better himself, then there's nothing you can do. You can care about a person by leaving that person alone for them to heal. it's often thought that in order to care, you have to be there but there's an exception sometime along that line. Sometimes, not being in present can really help more.

 

when the relationship ends, it ends so stop putting labels on yourself and on him that you're dumper and he is a dumpee. By putting the labels on both of you, you're victimize your/him self. There's no pride in putting those labels on anyone when the relationship has come to an end. It just ends and it doesn't matter who calls it quit. It only hurt both more, subconsciously and consciously, when you categorize yourself. Just let the labels go.

 

you're not bad nor evil. if seeing you and talking to you causes him to feel pain, then the best you can do, as caring for him, is to care from a far and leave him alone for now. Let him step toward you when he is ready to receive.

[atelis]

i think you need to evaluate the real reason as to why you want to be friends. Is it to relieve your own guilt? is it a form of control? etc etc. If someone doesn't want your friendship, then continuing to persist is more about your own need to control than it is about him and whether he is still hurting or not.