Blown up. I caught him.

[Trinny]

Hi all, again..

 

Some of you may have read my problem "ex girlfriend's things.." to which I accidently stumbled accross a CD my boyfriends ex made and gave to him. This did upset me, but I sought advice from here and I've taken it on board. Thank you so much, I DO feel better about it now and a lot less insecure. You were all right, it's just a CD of no value other than music he probably likes.

 

However, that feeling of being insecure was still there.

 

I'm not one for snooping. And it was unfortunate that I came accross that CD. But today, that nagging feeling was still there with me.

 

My boyfriend, being at work and allowing me to access his laptop for games and such... I texted him and told him I was feeling very insecure, and if it was ok to look through his MSN logs.

 

He said that was perfectly fine. Go for it.

 

By him saying that, I almost didn't look. Because just that alone... I trusted him and his word.

 

But I did look with his permission. And I found things that are absolutly hurtful to me...

 

(Background... My friends (Guys and girls) we always call each other hun. That's it. My partner, in the past got VERY upset about this and I told my friends that it did upset my boyfriend, and that I'd like them to stop, which they did. To which I lost quite a lot of them because they thought it was stupid.

 

So things were ok for a while, my partner gave me a little pet names, wife to be, bride, sexy, kitten etc etc. I think it was the sexy and bride I liked the most, because we do have plans to marry in the future.)

 

But after reading his log, I found conversations with females... During this past month, (Although I don't know how long it'd been going on for...) and he was actually calling them all these pet names he had for me... And he told me he doesn't call anyone else by those names... Worst of all, calling some of them "bride"... Telling them to come to his home town, live with him and be his personal secretary. (He has a fantasy that we share sometimes about me being in that role...) He's clearly flirted with them... shared sex fantasies with them which.. Is embarrassing to say, but he emotes the actions out. If that makes sense. And all his 'emotes' were of him basically playing out foreplay and sex with these women...

 

Me personally, I don't care about him watching porn... I'd rather him do that than cheat on me.

 

But I feel this is cheating. He has gone behind my back, and treated these girls just as he has treated me. And I just feel like another girl that he uses to get his orgasm from.

 

My trust has just, shattered right now... And I don't know how we'll be able to resolve this...

 

He knows what I've found, and he knows how upset I am. He even asked me if him giving me an engagement ring would help... Like it's some kind of bribe instead of an act of love like it should be...

 

If anyone has any advice or suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.

 

Should I trust this man anymore? Or should I just cut my losses and end it here? Or can it be worked out?

[Tory Barton]

If I were you I would end it.

 

Your only alternative is to figure out why he did those things and how he views it. From there make it clear you see it as being unfaithful. Then you have to trust him.

 

He's might just be trying to get back at you for "hun" thing. Although that would be really low, and a reason to end it in itself.

[Trinny]

If I were you I would end it.

 

Your only alternative is to figure out why he did those things and how he views it. From there make it clear you see it as being unfaithful. Then you have to trust him.

 

He's might just be trying to get back at you for "hun" thing. Although that would be really low, and a reason to end it in itself.

 

 

He's been calling me while he's at work...

 

(Background: When he gets upset... Or just slightly after. He gets very aroused. And he's involved me in his 'emote fantasies' where other people are involved, so he gets hurt himself emotionally. I personally don't understand how this can make him feel better... But it does, apparently.)

 

His reasoning is that at the time he was upset... And wanted to make himself feel better. So he was sharing these arousing thoughts, and clearly wanted female company and flirt with other women that wasn't me...

 

He said he doesn't have an excuse and he know he's done wrong...

 

But I just honestly don't know what to do now...

 

I know it would break my heart to end it with him... But if I stay with him, I know I'm going to (probably) have trust issues, or my trust for him has to build back up...

[arcadefire]

I feel so sorry for you. I do remember replying to your thread regarding that mix cd. Clearly, your gut instinct and suspicions were right. It was more than "just a cd".

 

Just be glad that you trusted yourself and did the right things to do to protect your heart. Clearly he does not respect you or the relationship enough to NOT have sex chats with other women. That's just disgusting. I'm so sorry you had to read them. Not only this, but to also use the same lines he uses with you. What a terrible way to find out about his betrayal to you.

 

He clearly has no values. He wants his cake and eat it too. Do you really want to marry a sleazebag like him? With no morals? He may even act upon those chats. And for him to pop the marriage question (buying a ring) after THIS incident makes him look more like a sleaze. You want someone to ask you to marry him for the RIGHT reasons.

 

His heart is not completely with you. He broke your trust. Can you trust him again? Is it worth it? Cut your losses. Don't look back. You will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[Casey13]

Cheating has different definitions in different relationships but in your case, given the background you provided, he did cheat for sure. Simply because you guys agreed to not use such pet names for anyone outside the relationshp and it was in fact him who initiated this rule making you loose freinds. To make things worse he not only flirted with these girls but exchanged fantasies which is degrading you as low as possible. Not to ruin your mood even more or anything but I have to say honestly that I wouldnt be surprised if he did cheat on you but you just dont know about it. If he's comfortable doing that behind your back im sure hes comfortable cheating as well. Ditch him before you get even more hurt. He knows your weakness is insecurity and instead of trying to help you with these feelings and doubts he is only doing things to make these insecurites worse by cheating. I would leave the relationship immediately and give him a wake up call

[LoveSoDeep]

Sorry but being upset is not a good reason to do what he did. Maybe he doesn't think it was cheating b/c it was just online chat, but I think he knew it was wrong.

 

I don't understand why if he knew that was in his logs he gave you premission to look...it makes me think he kinda wanted to get caught. I know you love him but it sounds like he's using the marraige talk to keep you around...and that's just not fair to you.

[HerDestiny]

I read your thread about the mix cd and wasn't sure what to say. Now...all I can say is YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[Trinny]

Thank you, each and every single one of you who has replied...

 

I always thought my insecure thoughts, jealous feelings around him and his girl friends were all in my head. That I was the one who was being silly... And now I feel like such an idiot...

 

And now, I'm just so hurt I can barely put it into words.

 

When I posted this I was pretty angry... Wanted to know why etc. But now I just seemed to have crumpled down into a mess of tears.

 

These females knew I was with him aswell... And yet they didn't stop him, or themselves.

 

I may be cluching at straws here through my upset, hurt and shock... But is there any hope for this relationship? Would therapy help at all?

 

I'm just at a loss for words here.

[HerDestiny]

In all honesty, I think if you broke it off with this guy and at a later time dated a very respectful guy, you'd look back and never want anything to do with him again. My ex was absolutely disrespectful to me and way back when, I thought I still wanted to be with him if he would just...be a nicer guy and learn to respect me. What ended up happening instead is I found a guy who was more respectful from day one. Looking back, I was a mess with my ex and with my fiance now...I excel at things and am not brought to tears by bad treatment. My life is much better.

[arcadefire]

Trinny, I was in your shoes just a month ago to this day. I found out my ex was cheating on me the entire time we were together. And it was with his ex-gf. She even knew we were together... and she had a boyfriend too. I was caught in a very messy, immoral web of lies and deceit. Something I wish I wasn't a part of and I opted to exit this negativity as soon as I could.

 

I also found out through chat logs. They were all about sex. I wanted to just throw up. I empathize completely.

 

I always thought my insecure thoughts, jealous feelings around him and his girl friends were all in my head. That I was the one who was being silly... And now I feel like such an idiot...

 

I felt the same exact way when he told me he was still "friends" with his ex. He even made me feel "silly" because I was not the same way with my exes. He kept a lot of her stuff around his place. When I read your mix cd thread, all those emotions of when I find her stuff at his place re-emerged, because I know that insecurity/jealousy. I tried to pass it off as simple jealousy, little did I know it was deeper than that.

 

In fact, having multiple "girlfriends" and not doing anything to change his ways with them shows that he does not care about your insecurities. He does not have the power to hurt you anymore if you break up with him. Take the power back. Don't give him your heart anymore so that he could break it again.

 

Forget him and his "girlfriends". They are all disgusting immoral fools. Don't let them get to you. You are above all of that. You have a lot of love to give, and this man does not deserve another second of it. I hope you realize this sooner than later. Take the power back in the relationship. You are strong!

 

For all we know, he could very easily break up with you for one of them. Is that a position you want to be in? Do you think keeping him is worth your precious time and effort? I don't even think therapy will help individuals who are just sick in the head to go through with infidelity behind your back like this.

[ladyblue07]

It is very weird that he would be calling other women names like "bride" unless he is actually letting them think that he wants to be romantic with them. That is a LOT worse than calling someone "hun" ( a name that may not mean anything romantic at all). I agree that this guy sounds like bad news.

[Bella20]

I don't think you are in a position to be in a relationship right now. Sure, you were right, but why would you ever call your boyfriend and ask if you can go through his logs? If you have a hard time trusting people, no relationship will ever work for you.

 

I don't mean to be rude or anything, I just read your other posts and it's always like "But I wasn't snooping!" when in fact... well, you were.

 

Just let this guy go and yes, maybe look for therapy but for yourself, not for both of you.

 

I wish you the best and I mean everything in the best way.

[arcadefire]

Sometimes snooping is okay if you have suspicions of something. If it weren't for that in my case, he would have never told me, which is not a position anyone wants to be in.

 

Trust is essential in a relationship. But if one does something to arouse suspicion in their partner, I support doing things to protect yourself, even snooping.

[Mellie]

Hi Trinny,

 

To be honest I was shocked that you wanted to go through his messages. I was also shocked that he said yes. I mean out of principle - it shouldn't have said anything you need worry about - but he should have been allowed to have a private conversation with his friends without you being privy to it.

 

But even more shocking than that... I can't believe what he was up to on there! You were obviously going with your gut instinct, and you're gut instinct was right. It doesn't mean that he's physically cheated on you, but to me this is almost, if not, as bad. There's a lesson in there for all of us. Trust your intuition - even if you don't want to believe it - it is very often right.

 

As for staying with him, well that's up to you. That would do a lot of damage in a relationship to me. I'd find it bad enough if he was saying that stuff to a stranger. But to a friend? Then letting you look at it? I'm sure you could do a lot better.