phone call has me so confused...please help!!!

[sugarplum]

my boyfriend and i have been on a break for about two months now and agreed to get back together in the beginning of may to try and work things out and see where we were at with our feelings for one another...

 

for the whole story go here:

link removed

 

well, he called me this morning and now i am completely confused and wonder if i should give up all together.

 

he called me this morning to tell me a package arrived at his house for me from an old friend and we were figuring out a time that i could pick it up. i suggested that he just drop it off to me since we were planning on getting together sometime this week anyway.

 

he immediately responded with hesitancy and said i was manipulating him to spend time with me--i told him that i wasnt but had thought that was the plan all along (under the conditions of our break we hang out once a week...)

 

he then went on to say he cared deeply for me and still loved me but was beginning to wonder if he could really come back to this relationship--he was starting to think that the break had created so many new problems we would not be able to get past them and work things out in the end. he also admitted that he was having a lot of fun being single and wondered if we could even get the spark back.

 

i went along with TSOG and agreed with him--i said the break was taking a toll on our relationship and it is not surprising to me that he feels like its easier to be single. I also mentioned that because of the break and spending less time with one another its not unusual that the "spark" we once had seems diminished--under such conditions it would be crazy to think butterflies could still exist. i then went further by saying i had made it very difficult by not giving him more space and pressuring him to think about the relationship when we were supposed to be taking some time off.

 

he responded well and said that was exactly what he felt---that things have been so hard during the break and f&^*cked up he sometimes thinks our relationship is better left alone. i then said to him if you want to move on just tell me because i want you to be happy.

 

he then said he just didnt know--he doesnt know what he wants, he doesnt know what he feels, and he doesnt know if it will work out in the end. i asked him again if he wanted to break it off and he said no, not for now. he added he was really confused and did not want to make a decision feeling so confused and that we were still on the break and in his head we were still together.

 

i admitted to him this made me nervous but thanked him for his honesty--yet now i feel like i am simply playing the waiting game---that at any day he can call and say it's over.

 

i'm not sure if i should just walk away from this or go along with this break hoping he'll pull through. i want to be with him but at the same time i dont want to be a safety net.

 

i also wonder if there is anything i can do at this point to bring him back to me or to at least not make him feel so overwhelmed by it all. it's just starting to sound like the stress and pressure is getting to him and making his hope/feelings diminish.

[slider]

Yes, there is something you can do and I think you know what's best for you already. That is to leave, walk away. A break in a relationship only gives him a license to look for someone else while keeping you at arms length. Are you willing to wait for him to find someone else before you're forced to move on? I would presume no.

[sugarplum]

i agree with you in that in many ways i do need to move on but i dont want to give up on something if there is still hope. one thing he has made clear is that this break is not about finding another person to be with and that the reason he has recently begin to feel this way is because of all the stress that has been happening between us (read my original post to find out more...).

 

but you're right i do need to let go break or no break. at least that way i am in a good space no matter what the outcome.

[kleptoz28]

I'm in the middle of a break-type situation myself. (which really SUCKS, BTW) The girl needs time to "work on herself", but it isn't about seeing anyone else.

 

What I've noticed is that seeing each other on a regular (scheduled) basis as "friends" like the once a week thing you mentioned actually creates more stress. We end up talking about the relationship, and we only see each other in a semi-depressed state. That seems to kill that "spark" that was between us.

 

I'm starting to figure out that the best thing during this break is to actually keep your distance. Let them start to miss you. That way, when/if the break ends, you'll have some sort of spark when you finally get back with the person you've been missing.

[sugarplum]

yeah, i feel for you being on "a break" can really suck--you feel like you are in a constant state of limbo. unlike, your situation though we actually agreed to see other people, still not sure if that was the best decision but maybe we both need to see what life is like without one another.

 

and i definitely agree with you, it is not a good idea to see each other if you end up talking about the relationship. i was pretty good about being positive on all of our dates up until two weeks ago...it seems i've regressed a little.

 

one thing i know is the longer the break goes on the harder it is to believe you'll ever come back to one another---we still have about one month to go...

[Jimster123456]

Hey sugarplum!

 

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through and I hope it's not too late! I just read everything that you were talking about and I can REALLY feel your situation right now. I am going over a break up myself with a girl I really loved. She was having a hard time figuring out if I was the one and it's not that she was afraid of commitment I think she just wasn't sure if I was the right one.

 

The time at which we show our true selves and the point at which we grow the most, is when we are going through the toughest most hurtful times. You never think about it when you're happy.

 

I'm going to say right now that the best thing I'm doing right now to cope with this is to go over ALL the possible reasons why they would think of all of this, I mean it's entirely possible that there's someone else in their minds, but how long could a relationship last with this new person if the relationship was jumped into? If one puts thoughts and assumptions into the other persons mind, chances are they're going to react in a bad way which usually points towards them wanting to break up. Because by buggin them and constantly trying to speed up their thoughts and how they want to feel, then you prove to them the reasons why they're breaking up with you in the first place. And then there's little to no chance to make it work. If you don't MAKE them regret something, but have them believe that they really didn't have anything to worry about and that it was a mistake the whole time... well then maybe they'll stay for good.

 

IT's a make or break point right now. Be smart about this and do what's best for them, if they see the efforts and the way you are handling this is opposite than they might think. Who knows, it may surprise them and they'll want to come back. Do yourself a favour and don't dwell on everything, but don't give up I know I won't, not until I went out with my all.

 

Last but not least, most people do not like being told how they think or what they should do. People enjoy making decisions themselves and when you try to force or rush them for them, they usually do the opposite of what you're hoping. So don't rush this guys decision or put thoughts in his head. Give him time to cool off and work from there.

[DaisyB]

Hey, sugarplum. . .

 

The break situation is a tough one, but I think there is hope for you and your bf. From reading your posts, it seems like both you and he really want this to work out. . . you're both just emotionally exhausted right now.

 

I suggest giving him as much space as possible from now until May. Don't contact him, don't suggest seeing each other. It sounds like he's dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions, and needs time away from you to sort them all out.

 

Like you said to him, it's normal for him to enjoy being single right now -- it's certainly easier than dealing with your relationship. Eventually, though, that new rush of freedom will wear off, and he'll start considering what life would really be like without you.

 

Giving him space will be hard at first, but eventually, you start to get used to it, and it becomes easier. You start finding new ways to fill your time. But don't worry about losing your connection to your bf -- that's strong enough to stay.

 

If he still has no idea in May how he wants your relationship to progress, you could suggest a break-up, if that's what you need to preserve your sanity. A break-up doesn't get rid of all chances of getting back together (just read this forum!) but it may give you the closure you need to do some permanent healing. If he wants to stay on a break and suggests another deadline, figure out if you can deal with that, emotionally, before you agree to it.

 

Either way, continue to give him lots of space. He needs it right now, and so do you. Your connection together is strong, sugarplum. Trust that your connection will be there for a while, then enjoy your space.

[Deputy]

sugarplum,

 

I can totally relate to your current situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. She's 22 and I'm 26 years old. She broke up with me three weeeks ago, for many reasons ranging from insecurity issues from her part, lack of selfesteem (caused by unfaithfulness from my part) and many other issues. She told me that she was confused and needed some time. She told me to have faith in our love and that she truly felt that we are meant to be, but at the sametime she felt that she needed to become independent and regain her self-esteem. I was shocked and hurt by her decision to break up, but I love her so much that I agreed. However, I could not help but to call her after a week. Everytime I called her, dhe did not seem to be bothered or at least not show it. We saw eachother once a week during those 3 weeks we've been broken up . We were intimate everytime we spent time together, analyzed what went wrong in our relationship and I thought that things were workingout. I was upset that she never called me and that I always called her during the three weeks of break up period. She then told me that it depressed her and hurt her everytime that I called her up. This led to arguments and put more pressure on her. Once again, she told me that she needed to be alone, and that she did not know how long it was going to take for her to work on herself and to "come in peace within herself." She said that I seldomly put her down, that I did not appreciate her and that I took her for granted. During these 3 weeks I've realized all of these things she had mentioned about me and it really hurt me knowing what I did to her. This was so devastating for me that I did not know what to do or how to react. My insecurity took over and I acted irrational and began to ask her about how she felt and if she wanted to get back with me someday. She then told me that no matter what, she will alaways be in love with me and that I was the man that she wanted to marry. However, she told me that it is not fair for me to wait for her and told me to move on. This truly broke my heart. To make things worst, my girlfriend and I had planned a vacation trip to Florida in June. I did not expect her to still go to this trip, but she told me that "we need this vacation and that it will do good for us" . I'm totally confused but I guess my ex gf is more confused than I am. Unfortunately, I have no choice but to move on with my life and wait to see what will hapen in June with my ex.

 

I've now decided to Not Contact her and give eachother space. sugarplum, I think that the more you pressure your Boyfriend, the less hope he'll have in working things out with you. So Be strong and have hope. It seems that he truly loves you and I'm sure he'll come back to you. In the meantime, work on yourself to be more desireable. Take this time to analyze what went wrong in your relationship and what you can do to improve. Let me know how it goes. Also any advice from any board members are welcome.

 

Regards, John