HELP!! I'm jealous of my boyfriends daughter...

[celestial1]

I've been in a serious relationship for a year with a guy who is recently divorced. He has a daughter with his ex wife and I am extremely jealous when she comes to visit. It's horrible! She's cute as can be and I know the jealousy doesn't come from her...it's because of the ex-wife. It seems every time the daughter calls he has to talk to his ex and then its turns into some kind of fight between them and between me. Even if its just his daughter calling I get this really frustrated feeling inside. I have never dated anyone with a child and I was wondering if these feelings are normal? How can I deal with it? His daughter is very blunt and tells you exactly what she thinks...well what her mom thinks. I guess her mom tells bad stuff about me, that I'm ugly, I'm funny looking, I'm not a nice person, etc...the list goes on.

I try to talk to my boyfriend about all these issues but when I do it turns into ME NOT WANTING HIS DAUGHTER! Well, thats what he believes. I don't know what to do I don't want this problem to become bigger then it already is. Can someone please HELP?!?

[woobiegirl]

Anytime a relationship includes ex's or children there w/be challenges to overcome together. You didn't mention the age of the child, but if you don't have any of your own, this relationship could get frustrating for you because as parents they will be sharing the responsibility of her well being until at least the age of 18. Eventually his ex will get on with her own life and the sharing of visitation and sarcasm will calm down. I would be a friend to the daughter and leave the couseling to her dad. Rather than put the daughter in the middle, maybe he can ask his wife to be more cival for everyone's sake "especially for the daughter". I wouldn't put too much pressure on your b/f regarding his daughter...he needs to give her attention when she's with him as he's missing out on her daily life in general.

 

Forget what the ex says about you....just tell your b/f to help you become friends with his daughter...if he feels like he has to choose, he's not going to give us his daughter. I've also come accross articles that give helpful suggestions to dating others with children, it may provide some helpful insight.

 

Hope it works out for you,

Woobiegirl

[justice]

You have to focus on yourself and how you can be the best person to your boyfriend and his child. In time the child will come to realize that you are not the obstructionist her mother is. Allowing his ex to upset you is empowering her to be a destructive force in your life, by maintaing your poise you will be removing this empowerment. If your boyfriend gets upset after speaking to her give him a little bit of time do not engage him immediately after a fight with his ex. Remember you have no control over anyone else's actions only over your own.

[lelucats]

Hi, your boyfriend also needs to understand that if he's going to be in a relationship he'll need to let his girlfriend know that she's important to him.

 

In your relationship, he can do this by guiding his daughter to understand that the things she is saying to you are hurtful and disrepectful. He needs to share with her that you are someone special to Daddy and that he wants the three of you to get along and have fun together. He also needs to draw a line with his ex by not jumping everytime she beckens.

 

There can be a lot of power struggles when families mix; stemmed from insecurities. The ex fears for her role as the sole mother. The daughter fears that Daddy's love and attention will go away. Your boyfriend may likely feel powerless in keeping everyone happy. You probably feel like the enemy who caused all this.

 

I'm not so certain your boyfriend's life is at a point where introducing someone new into the mix can work. I sympathize with you. You and he definitely need to talk thru all of this so that the future can offer more positives, for all concerned. Best wishes and keep us posted...Lelu

[celestial1]

Thank you, for all your advice. I had a really good talk with my boyfriend last night, I think he actually understood my feelings. Basically it came down to his ex...when she stops everything will start to settle down...and I know that will only come in time. I explained I will try my best to be more understanding and not let my emotions get the best of me. He doesn't see his daughter that often so I need to let them have their time.

 

What exactly is the best way to deal with and ex-wife? I have tried to be nice and civil with her, but she always seems to turn it around. To her I am the devil. How long is it going to take her to accept the fact I am in his life? She is already in a relationship with someone, will she ever move on????