why me?

[emptyinside70]

After a solid year of dating unsuccessfully and being laid off for from my only job I've had in the last two years, which only lasted two months, I finally managed to get a girlfriend that believed in me and adored me and then dumped me by text, why would I even think of trying to be friends with her.

 

It took me so long to find someone to accept me after my last LTR of two years that ended in '05. I tried not to rush into things, but from the first night we kissed I was falling for her. On our second date I was already subject to the honey-do list, and I was glad to do it. Later in the relationship we went skiing, my favorite thing in the world normally, and it was a horrible date, and we both knew it. Despite this and my feelings that it wouldn't work out because I became unemployed and lived with family I fell deeper in love with her. I guess this is because she was so understanding of my situation and I felt like I could talk to her about anything.

 

Tonight, I sit here three months post breakup, battered and broken. I haven't left the house in a week and blew off another job interview today for a potentially really good career opportunity. What is wrong with me? Granted I don't want to move back to the city, but times are tough and this is only the 4th interview I've gotten this year. I guess a small part of me still hopes to get a local position and somehow work it out with the ex-girlfriend. My only dreams right now are to get a good job, my own place, and have her back in my life.

 

Instead of moving forward I continue to keep tabs on her a couple of times a day, which amounts to net-stalking, and still wish I was with her. I am only fooling myself by trying to stay friends with her, when she has a new boyfriend, and probably wants nothing to do with me. My sub-conscious has moved on and I never even dream about her, why can't my head and heart.

 

I don't know if ENA has helped me more or hurt me. So far the peer advice made me tell her how I was really feeling which ended our post-relationship friendship, try to re-friend her, and then ultimately call her two weeks ago to apologize for overreacting two months ago. I do think the apologizing helped me clear my conscious; however her reaction was not at all what I expected. She just said it was no big deal and continued to be polite without any mention of the new guy in her life.

 

Am I a glutton for punishment? I certainly feel like it. I still feel like I need to reach out to her, but I know the only thing it will accomplish is her telling me she is with someone else and wants to be left alone. When I was with her we talked about being friends with those of the opposite sex, and she had guy friends but still believed that you can't have friends of the opposite sex that weren't into you at some point.

 

I don't understand this whole friendship thing when you never talk or hang out. I think all my agreeing to be friends for awhile did was help her move on to her new boyfriend even easier. I wish I had started NC from the moment she said it wasn't going to work, maybe things would be different now.

[emptyinside70]

Another interview another rejection even though i was told I was in the top 5. Why am I having dreams about the ex for the past two nights when I haven't had any for the last 3.5 months we've been broken up? I need to accept that she is nothing to me and I am nothing to her.