My Stupid Fear (long)

[Unknown1607307972]

Firstly, I say it in pretty much every thread I make but I am aware of how crazy I sound and I am trying to find ways of controlling my craziness.

 

Basically, when I was with my ex, every time he went home to his parents' house for the holidays I was never sure he'd come back again. We were in a LDR. He was from France, I'm from England. He lived in Paris but his family were from Grenoble which is a three hour train drive away. Now first when they didn't know about me, he had to return to theirs for two months where he couldn't call me as his parents would * * * * * about the phone bill. He couldn't text me either (they checked the phone bill as they were very tight with money), and he could barely even email me as they refused to let him use the computer because they don't like computers (which is ironic as he was quite computer geek himself). I couldn't afford to always be the one phoning or texting him, plus it'd still cost him to answer the phone or reply as we were international. So it was like two months never knowing when we'd contact eachother again. I'd go for weeks with not even an email. And I didn't know if he'd ever come back to Paris, it was all down to if he passed his retakes for uni. if he failed them, he even said we'd probably never be able to see eachother again.

 

Why is this? Because when they finally met me, they hated me. I don't know why. Their family had some strange house rules that nobody explained to me and that were completley different to my own family's. I was to wear flip flop shoes around the house at all times as nobody was ever allowed to be barefoot anywhere. They'd watch how much food I'd take at dinner and if they felt I took too much they'd * * * * * about it behind my back. They called me a * * * * for the way I dress because they are more conservative than I am (but I'm hardly dressed like a * * * * * or anything). They laughed at me for being upset when my mum phoned me to say my cat had died while I was there. I tried to be polite, friendly, I bought them wine and some cakes to say thankyou for letting me stay. I even wrote them a thank you card despite feeling miserable there just to be polite. His mother told him to pretend to still be with me till I went back to London and then to break up with me via email and cut off all contact with me. Luckily he didn't, but from then on he practically hid our relationship.

 

So every time he'd go back to his parents I was scared he wouldn't come back. His parents would regularly threaten him with cutting off his account that they fund so he'd have to return to Grenoble, therefore never seeing me again. He agreed to everything they said except the breakup thing. Never defended me, never tried, he even suggested being together in secret instead but I was so hurt that I put my foot down and said that I would rather break up instead. I clung on to this relationship for two and a half years. Every time he'd leave I'd be devastated and frightened. Worried that I'd receive some message saying he couldn't see me again. Last time I was in France his parents randomly decided to help him move some stuff as he was leaving his dorm and they didn't even know I was in France. He basically said that I oculd spend the night, one of my last nights there, alone, while he went out and ate with his parents...rather than just ask maybe if they could do it the following weekend instead. He never even told me we were still visiting eachother, wait...that I was still visiting him. He never came to England because his parents controlled the money and they wouldn't let him.

 

So, I broke up with him in the end. I couldn't take it anymore. His parents would make snide remarks about me to him, all the stress ended up decaying my love as I lost all hope. I spent months trying to fix it. I Tried talking to him about the problems I felt but nothing helped. I ended up falling for someone else after some time, although I never told my ex that till I had to (because he wouldn't take it seriously and became patronising to me about it, as if I was just being silly and didn't know what I wanted.). The breakup was messy. Now we don't speak anymore.

 

So my current boyfriend is also long distance (I don't pick LDRs on purpose I just seem to end up in them). He's Danish, and things have been great. His parents seem to like me, in fact they openly said they prefer me to his ex. They've been very friendly to me when I visit. My boyfriend is very sweet, loving, funny, smart, genuine, affectionate, you name it. He also is very reassuring. He went to Turkey for two weeks with his family though recently, which is a very normal thing, but suddenly I felt the old fears coming back. Like an instinct, I began to panic about him not coming back for god knows what reason. He called me every single day that he was away and apparently spoke about me a lot, showed my pictures to people he talked to, sai how he wishes I was there with him as the holiday would have been even better. He knew how I was so afraid when I was with my ex and said he wanted to show me everything was ok and that he was never unreachable even when away from home.

 

It's just now that he's back I keep on being afraid. And it makes me worry, am I always going to panic that boyfriends are going to vanish? Every time they go on holiday or anywhere? I feel clingy and I hate myself for it. Obviously I wanted him to have fun and he did, but I keep on feeling now that I need to make the most of every minute we spend together because he may go away again...even though I know he's not. I feel really anxious and it's making me difficult. He insists that I am being fine and refuses to hear a bad word said about me. Despite this I feel so guilty, because I know I hurt him sometimes when I start panicking and I get snappy as a sort of defence mechanism. He's just very quick to forgive and forget, it's in his nature. I just feel he doesn't deserve to have me snap at him but I don't mean to, I'm just scared, I just panic because old memories from my previous relationship surface and make me afraid he'll vanish. Funny thing is he'd be more likely to vanish with me being this way but I don't know how to make myself stop! I try so hard to make up for my bad sides. I show him all the affection in the world, I try and make him laugh, and when he goes away for a night or something to see a friend or whatever I always wish him a good time no matter what.

 

This is more of a rant really, I just wanted to get it out of my system. I hate myself so much for the way I act and I don't know what to do to chance. I really want to change, perhaps I should start back on my anti-depressants. I was supposed to go onto a councelling program too, I've had self hatered and depression/anxiety problems but there were problems with the letters and me moving house so it kind of got lost. Maybe I should re-apply? I don't know...

[dan10]

ok here's what you are going to do

 

one day when you are having a good day, sit down and make yourself completely calm. drink some tea, light candles, take a bath whatever you need to do to be completely calm.

 

then spell out in your head everything you are doing that you dont like. just like you spelled it out for us here.

 

once you have that figure out exactly why you are doing each and every thing.

 

when you have a list for yourself (either in your head or you can write it down if it helps) go through the list one thing at a time. and for each reason you are doing something you dont like, come up with two reasons why that reason doesnt make sense and doesnt matter. do this for each bad thing.

 

this should calm you down for the night. then the next time you start to feel anxious about him just disappearing, just remember all the reasons you came up with to not feel that way.

 

its not going to stop all of a sudden, but if you do this every time, and you just keep reinforcing that everything is fine you will start to feel better. (it also doesnt hurt that you have a bf that will confirm every reason you can think of to not be worried)

 

good luck

[greywolf]

LDRs are hard, there's no doubt about that. When I have fears like this or similar to this, I just remind myself that I'm going to love them 100%. Insecurities like this aren't love. They are need-based. If I was in your situation right now, I'd remind myself that I'm with my SO because I love him and not because i need him.