Something funny Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 I bumped into my ex on the street today. Not really my meaning, but I knew I was playing with fire walking around where she works around the time she gets off. Jeez, what a shock. You think you'd be able to handle just a simple conversation now after a month, but at that time when I saw her, all my progress temporarily became nothing. My brain just froze. I became paralyzed. For a moment, my brain ceased to function. Then we spoke. I was shaking but managed to get a hold of myself. First she commented on my new hair color, and said she had (already!) changed hers several times, before changing back. She asked me about work, and I replied that I'll work until I go to Japan this summer. Then I told her that I was going climbing today (which was a small lie - I was originally supposed to go climbing today, but it's been postponed a week). She asked me about that, and told me she was going home to later go jogging. I was going to end the conversation, but she beat me to it. Lastly, she asked me to keep in touch, and I replied with the same thing. The good bye-hug felt so bizarre. It was like trying to hold a ghost. I don't know how long we talked. Maybe 30 seconds. Maybe a minute. Maybe more. Time just ceased to exist and I was sucked into some sort of vacuum. It felt like some sort of parallel dimension. I managed to smile most of the time, even though my heart was screaming in pain. She smiled too. Jeez, she was so beautiful. My mind really was in shock. I wanted to scream, to run away or just faint. I wanted to kiss her, punch her (?), hold her. I wanted to tell her that I love her. I wanted to act casual and unaffected. I wanted her. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to touch her face. I wanted the moment to last forever. I wanted to never have met her. I wanted so much. But all I could do was stand there talking, trying not to break down. Afterwards, I was still in shock. My mind was empty. The world around me went on, but I didn't hear or see anything. I felt like I was underwater - all the sounds and noises seemed muffled and distant. I'm still shaken by all this. It was such an intense moment, even though nothing actually happened. I can't believe a man can have so much feelings for a simple biological organism consisting mostly of water. This shows I still have a long way to go before being able to confront her again. Damn it. Maybe another month will do the trick - after all, it's only been one month since we broke up. I'll just keep on plugging the No Contact stuff until I really do feel much stronger. But my question is - do you think this made a negative or postitive impact on my plans? On the positive side, I know I already look much better, and she couldn't have helped noticing that. And reminding her of my existence can't be all bad. But on the downside, she could probably tell that I was really nervous, even though I was doing my best to hide it. What do you think - bad or good? Any additional comments? Link to comment
Dullaware Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 This could just be me here, but I think you over looked somthing that can be taken for good. She said that she had changed her hair color several times. That may mean that she's trying to adjust ( Unsuccessfully ) and change herself to cope with a major change ( no longer having a boyfriend ) though I may be wrong. Link to comment
GeeCee Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 SomethingFunny Perhaps in your nerves and confusion, you overlooked the fact that maybe, just maybe her world stood still for a minute and she was going through the same panic as you? The hair colour is nothing new - women do it all the time. In fact it is the first thing that I do when a relationship ends. That and lots of new shoes. As to whether this had a positive or negataive impact. I have no idea, only that it did have some kind of impact. You will have been on her mind today, without a doubt. Continue with your no-contact and get yourself into a position where you are ready to deal with teh trauma of seeing her, and next time, you might not find it nearly so traumatic. Good luck. G xx Link to comment
lisaria Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Hey Dullaware, I am so afraid of going through what you went through. I know that I am not ready to meet up with him. We go to the same gym and I did not go on a certain night because that was when he went. Then last night I said to hell with that. So I went but I didn't wear my glasses and I am blind as a bat without them. Sooo....I didn't have to worry about seeing him and then being all upset. I know he was there because I saw his truck on my way to my car. I hope he saw me being happy and knowing I'm going on with my life without him in it. The dog. Anyway, I think you handled yourself very well and you wrote about it very eloquently. I know my post probably didn't help you any, but your's helped me. Thanks. Lisa Link to comment
Hopingpraying Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 I am sure she was just as nervous as you were, you were just so nervous that you did not notice it, and I am sure she did not notice that you were nervous. Just keep up the no-contact and don't look at this as a set back. If anything it put you in her head and that is a good thing. Keep doing what you are doing, and don't breakdown and call her. Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 7, 2004 Author Share Posted April 7, 2004 Thanks for the posts. Really. It means a lot. My god, why does it have to be so hard? I wish I could just undergo a lobotomy to get her out of my head. Well, I guess I'll just have to suffer through one more month and see what happens after that. Gotta get stronger. I mean, I know she has some feelings for me still, and I know that I have tons for her. Why does it have to be so complicated? If I could just go down to her level. That would make it so much easier. But I guess that's what time will do for me. I just hope she hasn't slipped away too far by then... Link to comment
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