I just bumped into my ex.. talk about a traumatic incident.

[Something funny]

I bumped into my ex on the street today. Not really my meaning, but I knew I was playing with fire walking around where she works around the time she gets off.

 

Jeez, what a shock. You think you'd be able to handle just a simple conversation now after a month, but at that time when I saw her, all my progress temporarily became nothing. My brain just froze. I became paralyzed. For a moment, my brain ceased to function.

 

Then we spoke. I was shaking but managed to get a hold of myself. First she commented on my new hair color, and said she had (already!) changed hers several times, before changing back. She asked me about work, and I replied that I'll work until I go to Japan this summer. Then I told her that I was going climbing today (which was a small lie - I was originally supposed to go climbing today, but it's been postponed a week). She asked me about that, and told me she was going home to later go jogging. I was going to end the conversation, but she beat me to it. Lastly, she asked me to keep in touch, and I replied with the same thing. The good bye-hug felt so bizarre. It was like trying to hold a ghost.

 

I don't know how long we talked. Maybe 30 seconds. Maybe a minute. Maybe more. Time just ceased to exist and I was sucked into some sort of vacuum. It felt like some sort of parallel dimension. I managed to smile most of the time, even though my heart was screaming in pain. She smiled too. Jeez, she was so beautiful. My mind really was in shock. I wanted to scream, to run away or just faint. I wanted to kiss her, punch her (?), hold her. I wanted to tell her that I love her. I wanted to act casual and unaffected. I wanted her. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to touch her face. I wanted the moment to last forever. I wanted to never have met her. I wanted so much. But all I could do was stand there talking, trying not to break down.

 

Afterwards, I was still in shock. My mind was empty. The world around me went on, but I didn't hear or see anything. I felt like I was underwater - all the sounds and noises seemed muffled and distant. I'm still shaken by all this. It was such an intense moment, even though nothing actually happened. I can't believe a man can have so much feelings for a simple biological organism consisting mostly of water.

 

This shows I still have a long way to go before being able to confront her again. Damn it. Maybe another month will do the trick - after all, it's only been one month since we broke up. I'll just keep on plugging the No Contact stuff until I really do feel much stronger.

 

But my question is - do you think this made a negative or postitive impact on my plans? On the positive side, I know I already look much better, and she couldn't have helped noticing that. And reminding her of my existence can't be all bad. But on the downside, she could probably tell that I was really nervous, even though I was doing my best to hide it. What do you think - bad or good? Any additional comments?

[Dullaware]

This could just be me here, but I think you over looked somthing that can be taken for good. She said that she had changed her hair color several times. That may mean that she's trying to adjust ( Unsuccessfully ) and change herself to cope with a major change ( no longer having a boyfriend ) though I may be wrong.

[GeeCee]

SomethingFunny

 

Perhaps in your nerves and confusion, you overlooked the fact that maybe, just maybe her world stood still for a minute and she was going through the same panic as you?

 

The hair colour is nothing new - women do it all the time. In fact it is the first thing that I do when a relationship ends. That and lots of new shoes.

 

As to whether this had a positive or negataive impact. I have no idea, only that it did have some kind of impact. You will have been on her mind today, without a doubt.

 

Continue with your no-contact and get yourself into a position where you are ready to deal with teh trauma of seeing her, and next time, you might not find it nearly so traumatic.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[lisaria]

Hey Dullaware, I am so afraid of going through what you went through. I know that I am not ready to meet up with him. We go to the same gym and I did not go on a certain night because that was when he went. Then last night I said to hell with that. So I went but I didn't wear my glasses and I am blind as a bat without them.

Sooo....I didn't have to worry about seeing him and then being all upset. I know he was there because I saw his truck on my way to my car. I hope he saw me being happy and knowing I'm going on with my life without him in it. The dog.

Anyway, I think you handled yourself very well and you wrote about it very eloquently. I know my post probably didn't help you any, but your's helped me. Thanks.

Lisa

[Hopingpraying]

I am sure she was just as nervous as you were, you were just so nervous that you did not notice it, and I am sure she did not notice that you were nervous. Just keep up the no-contact and don't look at this as a set back. If anything it put you in her head and that is a good thing.

 

Keep doing what you are doing, and don't breakdown and call her.

[Something funny]

Thanks for the posts. Really. It means a lot.

 

My god, why does it have to be so hard? I wish I could just undergo a lobotomy to get her out of my head. Well, I guess I'll just have to suffer through one more month and see what happens after that. Gotta get stronger.

 

I mean, I know she has some feelings for me still, and I know that I have tons for her. Why does it have to be so complicated? If I could just go down to her level. That would make it so much easier. But I guess that's what time will do for me. I just hope she hasn't slipped away too far by then...