The classic i said it but he didnt say it back

[miss_officer]

Ok everyone i am in need of some serious advice. Here is my story

 

When i was 19 years old i met my boyfriend who was 22 when i was on a ride with my police sergeant. My boyfriend is a police officer as well and ever since we met that night we have been together.

 

We did not start dating right away, we went on dates and hung out a lot and stuff so we were "seeing eachother" but not exclusive. Then after about 3 months of that i told him that until he decided if he wanted to be with me or not that i could not see him anymore. And then he stepped up and told me that he wanted to be with me and that he didnt want to spend any time away from me, so i was so happy so we finally started dating.

 

Then after about 5 months of us being together i slipped up and i told him that i loved him and he didnt say it back. I felt so regected and i felt like i messed up our relationship. so i left and i started balling my eyes out and he followed me and finally got me to pull over and told me not to cry that nothing has changed between us and that he will say it when he knows that the time is right.

 

Well we have been together 9 months now and he still has not told me that he loves me. i am 20 now and he is 23. We get into fights where i will call him crying telling him that i cant handle the fact that he doesnt love me. I was going to give it till a year and if he didnt say it by then, then obviously i dont make him as happy as he says i do. He says that i mean a lot to him and that he cares about me alot. and when i tell him i love him all he says is i know, and it is like a knife in my heart and it hurts so much.

 

I am so emotionally torn and depressed that everytime i see him i want to cry and i dont like to tell him that i love him now because he doesnt say it back...

 

So what should i do?? i am so confused i know he cares about me, but i want to know if he loves me. I dont think i can continue to be with someone who doesnt love me back... it hurts so much

 

Please help.....

[arcadefire]

I think by nine months he should begin to feel whether or not he loves you. I learned the hard way that you can't make someone love you. I was in the same shoes as you, I said it six months into the relationship, and he just said, "Aw, thanks, I really like you." A week later I broke it up, heartbroken, knowing full well that I can't continue a one sided relationship.

 

Only you can know how long you're willing to continue this one sided relationship. But looking back, I'm glad that I chose to end it sooner than later, as it might have been a huge gamble (your heart) you're putting up on the line on whether or not he reciprocates your love.

[jackknive]

You can't force love honey. It might not be right and it might never be. He very well could love you but your actions could be backing him into a corner where he feels he HAS to say it, not that he can when he is ready.

 

I think you need to have an honest chat, while trying to put emotion on the back burner. Tell him what you said here that you feel hurt and that you are sorry for pushing him. It is a very personal decision that has to be done when one is ready, not when one is pressured.

 

Your young. Love hurts. It might work and it might not. I've been there before where I've felt the sting of a knife in the heart. It is part of the process and you need that sometimes to learn for future relationships.

 

Just sit back and take a breath and think how you would feel if you felt you had to say it and there was pressure. Saying that means a lot, and some people take it very seriously that unless they are 100% sure, they won't say it. Even if they feel it.

[miss_officer]

thank you for the advice so far. i told him that i dont want him to say it unless he wants to and feels that he loves me. The way that he acts makes me believe that he loves me but then he doesnt say it. He told me that there is a lot of commitment when you say i love you. and i think that if he says it he thinks that we have to start hacing kids and getting married right away and that is not the case. Neither of is are ready for that but i dont think that i can continue in a relationship that like you guys said is "one sided".

 

i mean he does a lot for me, he does little things for me that shows me that he cares and anything that i want to do he makes sure that it happens. It is hard for us because both of us being police officers takes a tole on our relatioship always know that the other one might not come home. but i understand what he does in his job and he understands what it is like in mine, we work in close departments that if anything would to happen to one of us we would be eachothers back up. which is scary.

 

and i have alot of guy friends who are telling me that i am crazy for still being with him after 9 months, all of my friends tell me how amazing i am and that i deserve a man that will not be afraid to love me.

 

i personally think that my BF is afraid to say it. i am his second SERIOUS relationship, he has been in one before me and that was when he was in highschool and he was with her for 2 years and she broke his heart. So i think that he is afraid that, that is going to happen again

[wayoverit]

Bull * * * * . The reason he doesn't say he loves you is simple. Either he still loves his EX or he really doesn't love you. He "cares about you" means he loves to hang out, but no love is involved. It's time to distance yourself from him.

[miss_officer]

he tells me that he doesnt love her anymore... he hasnt see her in like 5 years, he tells me that he was young and stupid it was the classic high school fling thing that he had with her. and i can relate to that because i was engaged to my highschool sweetheart and we were together for 4 years and then he cheated on me and she cheated on him, and i dont love my ex so i believe him when he tells me that he doesnt love her anymore, i think i am goin to tell him that i need some space to think about my feelings about our relationship, to see if this is something that i really want... i dont want to be in a "one sided" relationship with him, i want more than that...

[thejigsup]

My bf has only said "I love you" twice in ten years. I've said it about 5 times. It's not if you say it or not, it's if you treat your partner well. We love each other. We don't have to say it. Words are cheap. People say those words to cover up all kinds of transgressions. They think, "I can do what I want and all I have to do is say those three little words, and I'm home free!"

If he shows you he loves you, he loves you! Words lie, actions don't. I'm happy without hearing the words because I get treated well every single day. Think about what you could be throwing away. You've only been dating 9 months and you're both still young. Why are you so hung up on the words when he is clearly showing you that he loves you?

[miss_officer]

he does show me that he loves me and that is why i think that he loves me but i think that he is scared... that is one of the reasons i want to hear him say it, i dont want him to be affraid of loving me... i am not his past i want to be his future. i am a very emotional person and i always feel like i am not good enough...

 

i was adopted and i was physically and emotionally abused when i was little. my mom was awesome and i love her so much but my dad and my step mom would always tell me that they didnt love me and that they didnt want me and that they loved my sister more than they loved me and i always thought growing up that i wasnt good enough, because i wasnt good enough for them how could i be good enough for my BF.

 

and i think that, that is one of my big problems, i think that i am not good enough, and that if i was maybe he would tell me that he loves me...

 

i give my heart and soul to this boy and i know he does too, i just want to hear him say it once and then i know that i am good enough for him to love...

[jackknive]

Honestly, I think showing love is more important than saying it. He might not be afraid of loving you, but the seriousness associated with what it means to him.

 

It might help you to consider therapy for your emotional issues from youth. Before you can be healthy in a relationship you need to be healthy by yourself.

 

Don't end something if it is good because of words. Love is expressed differently by different people. Some with words, some with actions, some by both. Don't take his not saying it as a sign that you are not good enough to love. You are, absolutely. I don't even have to know you and I know that you are. You need to love yourself and be ok with you. Love of another enhances who we are, but it doesn't make us. I hope you consider therapy. It helps to talk and perhaps have a new perspective on a situation you are too close to. By being so close you are blinded, and so many people are in your situation. It helps to have a guide who has walked that road.

[miss_officer]

i was in therapy from when i was about 8 till i was 15 and it didnt help me at all, i didnt like to talk to my therapist because all he did was listen to what i had to say, he never helped me with my problems...

 

i talk with my BF about that problem a lot and he ensures me that i am good enough for him and he tells me that i am the best girl friend that he has ever had... he says that i do so much for him that none of his ex's ever did...

 

for example when he stays at my house i let him sleep on the side with the fan because i know how hot he gets when he sleeps.

i cook him dinner

i help him clean his house and do his laundry

and i leave him little notes telling him how much he means to me...

 

he says that all of the little things that i do make him so happy...

 

When i was up set one day, i was on my way to work and he told me to meet him at a gas station. when he pulled up he was standing there with a dozen roses... he said "i thought you could use these". and then he gave me a kiss and a hug and told me to call him later when i was working...

 

he is so sweet, it is just so hard because all of my friends are in relationships and they all talk about how much they love eachother and they ask me and alll i can say is ohh he doesnt love me yet... and it hurts

 

and when i moved into my own place this month all of my friends are like why didnt you move in with your BF? and all i can come up with was.... well he hasnt told me that he loves me, i think that needs to come first....

[Ms Darcy]

I am going to be harsh because I think you need a little blunt honesty. I hope you can hear the message and move towards a healthier relationship.

 

Your primary focus here, on the fact that your bf has not said "I love you" is an important fact but it is not your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is what you said: "I always feel like I'm not good enough." You are not a whole, healthy, independent person right now. And who can blame you really? I imagine that it is not easy growing up in a family where your step-mother and your father tell you that they do not love you, do not want you, and love your sibling more than you. You are very young and not far removed, chronologically or emotionally, from that past. While it was a great gift that someone saw your soul and sense of self crumbling and suggested therapy, it certainly did not cure you - as you say - of your deep seeded self doubt.

 

From this perspective your actions are understandable but they are no less unhealthy. In addition to this thread, I've read a couple of your other posts and it sounds like your perceived need to make your bf show that he loves you can bring a lot of drama into your relationship. Now, setting reasonable boundaries is a good thing, mind you, but there is always a balance. If you are calmly and confidently expressing your feelings, concerns, and expectations, then this is a great way to let your partner respect your boundaries.

 

The keys here: the boundaries must be properly communicated and reasonable. You yell at him when he disappoints you and derive satisfaction when he jumps up to make it up to you. This pattern, though reassuring in the short term, is not sustainable in the long run. I'm sure that you get into fights where he also yells back. In either case, I'm encouraging you to take responsibility for your side of the communication. The more you improve your communication with him, the more he will want to communicate with you without fear of his words being twisted with a negative interpretation. The more you can get a guy to feel open to talking to you, the more likely he'll open up emotionally.

 

The other important key healthy relationship boundaries are creating reasonable expectations. I can really understand your concern that your bf did not say "I love you" after five months and especially after nine months. What is unreasonable is expecting that he will say it when you try to push him: "We get into fights where i will call him crying telling him that i cant handle the fact that he doesnt love me." That, my dear, is emotional blackmail. A healthier approach is to discuss the subject with him firmly and calmly. Let him know that your litmus test for staying in a relationship past a year [i only say a year because you said a year was your time limit] is your ability to communicate that you love each other and in order to continue in a relationship, that is what you would need to happen. This lets him know what you feel, what you expect, and what will happen if the relationship doesn't reach that stage. It allows you to respect his comment that saying "I love you" is a commitment. Be honest with yourself; saying "I love you" is certainly a commitment to you. It's the step before moving in, as you noted to your friends, which is quite a big step indeed. So by having this conversation, you make yourself stand out as a woman who can provide reasonable expectations as a year is PLENTY of time to figure out one's feelings in that respect. In fact, it's similar to what you did with him in the beginning when you were hanging out for a few months and then communicated that you could not be with him any longer if there was no relationship. It's amazing how men will step up when you are calm, confident, and reasonable. Basically, if he can trust that making that leap will create a BETTER relationship with you and not more drama and anger, then he's very likely to say those words.

 

Turning back to you again, there is one thing I want you to keep in mind: we can expose a lot more of our true selves in relationships with our partners than with our friends. I have no doubt that you are a wonderful, accomplished young lady. Your friends see you and think you deserve the world ... and you do ... but, and it's a BIG but, they don't see the ugly stuff like your bf does. They don't see your neediness and insecurities, they don't see you crying about your fears and hear your angry yelling, they don't see your moods and vulnerabilities. So while some may say you should break up with a guy who doesn't say I love you in 9 months, I would be careful to recognize that what role you seemed to have played in this process. Perhaps those unhealthy aspects of your relationship either make him hesitate to say how he feels or feel how you want him to feel. The only way to improve that is for YOU to become healthy and not worry about timelines that your friends try to superimpose onto you.

 

The basic rules of attraction are simple. Confident, independent women are more attractive in long-term relationships than those who are not. If you continue to really lack a sense of self and engage in unhealthy communication, there are two directions that this relationship can go: unhealthy or over. Unhealthy could mean that one of you is emotionally abusive to the other, it could mean that one cheats on the other, it could mean that one is emotionally unavailable to the other. And over is self-explanatory. This may not happen overnight, but it will happen because resentment is an easy tree house to build where anger, frustration, and disappointment come out to play.

 

So you need to work on feeling like you are enough before trying to get your bf to make you feel like you are enough. But that will never work. After he does one thing, you'll keep pushing him to do more and more and more to prove he loves you until you push him away. Why? Because no one can fill that well but you. You mention how he reassures you over and over but that doesn't seem to stick. You have the on-going negative script that you are not lovable going on in your mind and no outside person can overwrite that. That part is up to you.

 

So I'm going back to what I mentioned in the beginning; therapy. Your issues are serious and engrained enough to realize that you cannot do this alone. You mentioned not liking therapy because the therapist only listened. This time around, I think that you need to know that as an adult, you can take ownership of your mental health. Go out and look for a therapist that specializes in Cognitive-Behavior Therapy to help you work on stopping negative thoughts, give you homework to observe your behavior patterns, and challenge you to act differently.

 

Relationships are wonderful not only in that they allow us to connect with others in a deep and meaningful way, but they provide us with the drive to improve our inner selves so that we are full, complete, whole beings who are actually ready to love if and when the time comes. The focus is not on him; the focus is on YOU. If you lose that focus, then you might lose this relationship.

 

Oy, now I need a nap!

[greywolf]

^great post. OP, I think Ms Darcy has given really great advice on this one.