The Waiting Game

[DaisyB]

$%#&! I lost my lengthy update post. . . just spent 20 minutes typing it!

 

In brief. . . he hinted he wanted to see me last night, I said I wanted to come over, he said he wanted me to come, but was I making the right decision? I went. The right decision? Who knows anymore?

 

It was all good until saying goodbye this morning -- there was my awkward lingering in the doorway (I wondered if he'd say I love you, or if I should say it), then I left, then I came back and said I couldn't leave without saying I love you. He gave me a confused "I love you too," and I left again in a hurry.

 

This morning I thought I'd blown it with the "I love you" stuff (why did I have to make a big scene about it?), but now I'm starting to wonder -- was he too sleepy to notice? Was this really as big a deal as I've made it in my head? Probably not. He knows I love him. I know he loves me. Saying it out loud isn't related to the love issue, it's related to the relationship issue, which is obviously in conflict right now. And sadly, spending the night at his house seems to do nothing to resolve the relationship issue (at least, not in the short-term). Although it sure is fun.

 

So -- that's where we are. Progress? Backsliding? I have no idea. He usually plays basketball on Tuesday nights, and I haven't heard from him since I left his house this morning.

 

The apple stuff. . . weird. I'm sure they take the ads from key words in our posts, like you said Strong1. I think we should try to make it happen on every page. Any random topics for this one?

[shockeddismayed]

Daisy

 

That is some excellent insight related to the significance of verbalizing your "I Love You"s. I agree.... he might not be ready for that yet.

 

As for seeing him... it is a tough line to tread... you want him to remember that it can be fun... but it needs to be light too... it might be that the pressure filled moments are what could keep him away... on the other hand, it could be that keeping it fun and light ALL the time is just going to allow him to eat cake.

 

It really is a tough call... but you know him best, so maybe you are the best judge. I do think though that you need to keep the element of fear involved.. he needs to fear losing you, so if you are going to see him, you need to find some other way to keep him on his toes. Jealousy? I'm not sure, but you need to strike the balance.

 

I'm wishing you all the luck.

 

PS: I know there are a number of high growing apples who are reading this thread... I had a big update yesterday... got some help from SincerelyHurt, but if any of the females could give their insight it would help. As predicted by Sincerely, I am crashing today. See "Help: EXGF has coldfeet: Major Update", near the bottom of page one or top of page 2. I'd really appreciate it.

[ziggystar]

here's what i don't understand. why is fear a good element in getting back an ex? it seems to me that a ex or anybody should come willingly and happy to do so and not out of fear. because what happens when the fear is gone? bye-bye. fear is divisive. fear is insecurity. fear is controlling. i say create positive situations, because hope is much more bonding.

[shockeddismayed]

You are right...

 

That is a very good point. But in Daisy's situation, there needs to be an element of uncertainty. Perhaps fear is not the correct word.

 

Daisy's partner is not willing to committ to the relationship. He can't be made to feel as though this can continue indefinitely. The relationship needs to be on an equal footing, and for as long as Daisy is willing to committ, and the EX is not, it can never be an equal partnership of ANY kind, whether it be friends, lovers, or committed partners.

 

I may have used the wrong word, but Daisy needs to remind him (and herself... although in this case I believe she is aware of it) that continuing to allow him to have contact with her if and whenever he wants is not fair... and not healthy. It isn't that she is trying to cause him to fear something that isn't real... it is reality that Daisy will not be around indefinitely if he doesn't pick up his end of the bargain.

 

Obviously there needs to be a balance... she needs to establish positive moments with him, to allow him to see what "could/should be", but she also needs to keep some boundaries in place so that she is not being re-injured... or so that she is not indefinitely delaying closure.

 

It's a tough one... to be sure, but I think she is handling herself well... I was just raising the issue out of concern for her.

[strong1]

You both have good points. Ziggys..fear is not really the best motivating factor. But S&D is also correct...if our ex's feel all comfy that the situation is great 'as is'..no progress is made on either side.

 

SOOO. We must strike a balance between being chipper and cheerful and encouraging during our contacts w/the ex's...while making it clear that we are not around for them 24/7 as is..if OUR needs are not also being met.

 

Now, when one of us figures out a process to accomplishing that...you better run to the patent office, as you'll be a millionaire! When do we start allowing OUR needs to be known? Sometimes, I swear, if we'd just be able to open up w/our ex's..in a non-threatening manner..we'd all be the better for it. I guess a good start is to say 'no' (in an upbeat way) to some of their requests to meet up with us. Mix it up a bit. Some days 'I'm sorry, I was JUST headed out the door..but I'd love to get together on Wednesday' is better than 'sure, I'll be right over.' As much as I'd jump at the latter these days.

[ziggystar]

i definitely agree that we shouldn't be a doormat, but my point is that like everything seems to be timing and judgement. he already knows what the comiitment is. he hasn't run for the hills. he's indecisive. if she is indeed looking to spend the rest of her life together with him, what's a few extra months to make sure. forcing him or manipulating will draw resentment that may bloom after the marriage, ending in divorce. even more heartache. it shouldn't be about the actual commitment, but the continued growth of the two of them and working things out. timing isn't about one person being not ready, but one person not yet ready and the other being too ready. he simply hasn't commited to the next step yet, especially because so much attention and weight is put on it. and why is it that so much attention and weight placed on marriage? is it going to solve all our problems? no. commitment comes in stages. it's easy to make a commitment when things are great, but commitment is most needed when things aren't. and even after marriage, there will be times when you need to recommit, because in the course of a marriage, nothing is ever smooth. and that's a slow process that requires purposeful thought that shouldn't be hasten, because of what's at stake and what will be at stake.

 

strong1,

 

as far as our needs are concerned. there's a difference between our individual needs and a relationships needs. our individual needs should be mostly if not entirely met by ourselves. the relationship needs is obviously something that requires 2 people. but that urgency, for our needs to be met in a relationship has nothing to do with our own well being. it's a false urgency. if we attended to our individual needs (like have a life outside our exes ), we wouldn't be jumping at the drop of a dime to them.

[DaisyB]

Some very interesting thoughts. . . keep them coming!

 

Lots of people have told me that I need to make him worry -- be unpredictable, keep him on his toes. That may be true to an extent -- I don't want either of us growing complacent and taking the other for granted. It's fun to be a little unpredictable -- to try new things and tell him about them, or surprise him with something I've done. But I have deep reservations about purposely making him insecure. I think that could create serious trust issues down the road. I want him to marry me because he wants to be with me, not because he's afraid of being without me.

 

Obviously, we can't go on like this forever -- we both know that -- but the fact is that he just doesn't know right now. I'm free to move on if I want to -- he's given me that closure -- but I choose not to right now. So that means I have to deal with the way things are between us.

 

I struggle a lot with the balance between individual needs and relationship needs, and when we should be selfless vs. when we should be selfish. I agree with strong1 that we shouldn't be doormats -- but I don't feel like he's forced me into doing anything. Every time he's invited me over (and a few times, I've said no), I've gone because I wanted to go, and because I have been strong enough to live with the consequences (ie, that spending the night at his house doesn't change things).

 

He's accepting the summer position in a different city, so that means we have about four more weeks in the same town. Yikes. (He'll be back in August.) I have no idea how much contact we'll have over the summer -- he's said he wants to use the time to "meditate and reflect," so that could mean he wants no contact, or very minimal contact. I'm not expecting an IM or phone call everyday -- and we won't be able to see each other unless we plan a visit, and I doubt that will happen. So we'll see what changes the summer brings. . . I'm scared about it and grateful for it at the same time. I hope he comes back with some more definite answers.

 

I got two interesting pieces of mail today. One was a letter from his mom -- I wrote her about three weeks ago -- saying that she missed me, that she wanted to reach out to me but she wasn't sure how, and that she knew that things would work out for the best. It was really good to read. The other was an invitation from his sister to a barbecue (his sister's birthday). I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. . . I don't know if he'll be there, and even if he's not, it might be too awkward to be there without him. But I've also thought, "it's an evening, I should just go for it." We'll see.

[ziggystar]

daisy b,

 

you sound like you've got the right balance and with some time it'll be even better. i love to hear people take responsibility for their emotions, and you seem to be on the money.

 

i'm in a similar situation. it's difficult, but the extraordinary growth that has happened is well worth the difficulty, regardless of the outcome.

 

i would go to the bbq, but i may tell him in advance that his sister invite you, just so there's no surprises.

[DaisyB]

The latest:

 

He hasn't been in much contact since I left his house Monday morning. Tuesday night, I got a "sorry I missed you" IM after I'd gone to bed. Yesterday he didn't turn on his computer at all. Today, he sent me a brief message that said he'd been really busy, and that maybe we could talk later. Nothing rude, just not much. Kind of unsettling after my botched "I love you" on Monday morning.

 

This afternoon, we IMed briefly. . . he said he wasn't going to his sister's for the barbeque (why not? he didn't say), and that I should go if it wasn't too weird. I said that I might stop by for a little while, but I'm leaving tomorrow night to visit the single male mutual friend (the one whose friends are interested in me, supposedly). I could tell that he was a little jealous. . . especially when I said that we planned to hang out by the pool.

 

He sent me another message later:

 

It's weird for me to think about you at a party with a bunch of XXX's male friends (XXX has no female friends) in your bathing suit. Especially since you were just shopping for a bikini, and especially since you appear to sort of be dodging the idea of getting hit on. But I hope you have a good time, whatever you do and wherever you are this weekend. Take care of yourself.

 

Which should make me feel good, but instead just sort of made me feel weird. I sent him a semi-reassuring message, but I had a hard time finding the words for it. What could I say? I hate the idea of making him insecure, but surely he knows that I would rather be with him. I have no desire to date any of these men right now. It's flattering to get hit on, in a cheap thrills sort of way, but it doesn't mean anything to me. And until he makes a decision, I have to prepare for the worst -- and that means keeping my options open.

 

I wished I could be entirely reassuring ("Don't worry -- of course I only want to be with you") or entirely cold ("I'm going to flirt with other men and I don't care what you think"). But I had to be somewhere in the middle.

[DaisyB]

This, by the way, is the "semi-reassuring" message I sent. (Some of you will probably think it's way too reassuring!)

 

I'm sorry it's weird for you to think about me at a party with XXX's friends. I didn't mean to dodge the idea of me getting hit on. . . I didn't want to say, "that won't happen," because it might. I really have no control over someone else hitting on me. But I think my response is the important part, and maybe it will make you feel better to know that I don't really want to get hit on. I do want to see XXX, and I like his friends, and I think the party sounds like fun. So I'm going to go. And since there's swimming, I'm going to be wearing a swimsuit. But I wish you could come, too. . . and I wish YOU could see me in my swimsuit.

[DaisyB]

Bad night.

 

He called tonight to chat about the male admirers/swimsuit debacle. Oh, I played it SO cool. I made him do most of the talking, which was good.

 

We talk for a while, and I'm feeling really good. So good, in fact, at the end of the conversation, I say again "I love you." Why, why, why? You would think that I would have learned from Monday morning. Or maybe, on some level, I said it again because I was hoping to talk about Monday morning? He paused, said "I love you, too," and then another pause. . . "but I'm not in love with you."

 

This is the first time he's said that. At the beginning of the break-up, he said "I'm not sure if I'm in love with you." And I assumed that was still how he felt -- still unsure.

 

Well, I lost it. I tried to play it cool, but I just couldn't. I started crying, we hung up, I called back.

 

We were pretty good at talking, all throughout this, which was good. We didn't hang up on each other, we seemed to hear and understand (relatively calmly, even though I was crying) what the other person had to say.

 

When I called him back I told him that I didn't realize he wasn't "in love." I thought he was still debating. But now that he says he's not, I told him that I needed to move on. He asked what that meant. I said that it meant I couldn't come over anymore, and that I didn't know when I'd be contacting him again. It meant that it would be easier for me to start dating again -- not that I was going to go out tomorrow and find a date, but just that it would be easier to do so eventually.

 

He was pretty shaken up by all that. I'm pretty shaken up, too, (obviously) but I think I did okay. I really don't want to see him right now, or talk to him. So it wasn't a "move" so much as an honest statement of need. And truly, I'm not much worse off than I was before. His positive behavior (the good things he was doing/thinking/feeling before he announced he wasn't in love) hasn't changed. He's still undecided as to whether or not he will fall back in love. He's still looking to the summer to help him make some sort of decision.

 

Now, lest you get the wrong idea -- I'm not actually giving up on him. But the game has changed (yet again). Maybe it will shake him up enough to make him realize what he's losing. Or maybe it will finally give me enough strength to move on.

[shockeddismayed]

Great instincts Daisy...

 

You need to trust them. You've put him off guard, and you need to do some NC for your own good.... and secondarily for his.

 

Be strict. Let him wonder. Don't pick up the phone.... please don't pick up.

 

I've come to really feel for your story Daisy... and I feel you need to run with this control for a little while.

 

Amazing that you were able to flip the tables so quickly... keep it there for a bit. You need to show him you mean it.

[Berty75]

Daisy-

 

I am sorry hun. My stomach flipped for you. You are so strong and I have total faith in your choices and instincts. How difficult it is to put it out there. It something not everyone can do. You obviously have a good sense of yourself and what you need to do to make yourself happy. I wouldn't give up on him either. You'll know in your heart when you're "all done", and when that feeling comes (IF it does), it won't be as hard to move on.

 

I was thinking....maybe he just thinks he's not in love with you. Maybe he's not ready to turn his thinking inward and find out what his problem is. Perhaps the only way he can make sense of his own behavior and treatment of you is to convince himself he wasn't "in love" with you. Afterall, if he was, he wouldn't want to be with out you. So maybe it's his way of coping? Does that make sense? In the case of a person with commitment fears, love doesn't have anything to do with it. I think he just has his head up is b*tt and he doesn't know what to do! His "obstructed view" of it all, is making it hard for him to see what you mean to him. Give him his space, as hard as it will be. If you do talk, remain honest. Tell him how you feel and what you need. Then you know if (when) he does come back, it will be for good this time.

 

Seriously, you are my hero. We are all rooting for you. Go and have a fabulous time this weekend. A little "flirty" attention makes everyone feel better

 

Good luck. Just write if you need anything.

-Berty

[DaisyB]

Thanks, Berty and S&D. . . you guys are the best.

 

I'm back from my weekend -- I had a fun time, but I had a lot going on inside (of course). I went to the bbq on Friday and saw his parents -- strange, but very good. It was wonderful to see them, and not at all as awkward as I had thought it would be. The strangest thing was how little our interaction with each other had changed. We didn't avoid the fact that the ex and I are broken up, but everything else (jokes, stories, etc) was just the same as it had been three months ago.

 

I got some flirty attention over the weekend, but nothing intense. Enough to be mildly flattering, but that's it. And I had a great time with my friend -- we've known each other since college, so he knows me very well, but our relationship has always been extremely platonic. Which was exactly what I needed this weekend -- platonic intimacy.

 

When I came back home, the ex had sent me two emails, and IMed as soon as I got on the computer. He apologized for contacting me, but he said that he'd missed me a lot over the weekend, and needed to talk for a little bit. We ended up talking on the phone for a while this afternoon.

 

This was great for me, because I had wanted to talk to him, too -- I wanted to clear up the "in love" thing. I was so upset by what he said that I didn't stop to think (until this weekend) what he meant by it. He says that he loves me, that he's attracted to me physically, that he misses me, that he still has "feelings" for me, and that he misses doing things with me. So what does "I'm not in love with you" mean?

 

I asked him, and he said, "it means that I don't feel about you the way I did when things were really good between us." Well, duh! I don't feel that way either. But I still consider myself "in love," meaning that I still desire a romantic relationship with him, even though my feelings are much more complex than they were before, before we went through all this bad stuff. And I told him so.

 

I also told him that I wanted to work on it, and he said that he "almost did," but he still wanted to take the summer to do some serious thinking. He asked if he thought my parents would still approve of our relationship if we got back together. He also said (several times) that if we got back together we were definitely getting married, which he said was scary, but also comforting.

 

All of that sounds good, but until I hear "I want to get back together," I'm just not buying it. I mean, it's nice to hear (of course), and I believe that he means everything he says, but he seems so confused right now that I can't read anything into his "good" comments.

 

I'm also still holding by the "no visits to his house" rule. I just can't be physically intimate with him while he's saying "I'm not in love with you," no matter what he means by it. I want to see him before he leaves for the summer, but no physicality. Which is too bad. . . but definitely for the best.

 

So that's the weekend update. Tune in tomorrow for more of Daisy's Exciting Love Life. . .

[shockeddismayed]

DaisyB,

 

 

I am glad you had a great weekend.

 

I totally understand where you are coming from in terms of your ex not being sure what comes next... and that they are busy sorting out something that you haven't exactly demanded they sort out (getting married).

 

These days, mine is doing the same thing... trying to figure out whether she'd marry me, even though I've told her flat out that the offer is no longer on the table.... I guess she sees through me. No surprise I suppose.

 

I guess all of this speaks to the fact that the EXes DO really care for us, and don't want to try anything again unless they are sure where things will end up.

 

I've done my best to impress upon my EX that her behaviour HAS changed my level of trust for her, and that she should try and think about simply salvaging a relationship (even if of reduced intensity) before it is too late... but she insists and not deciding until she is "sure" about our future...

 

I guess at some level we haven't shown them that their actions have had severe impacts on our intimacy and trust of them.

 

I applaud your setting a barrier on visiting his place. However, if I were you, I'd take it a step further. He isn't seeing anyone else, so I see no reason why you should be returning his calls on the same night that he sends them..... you are being too easy on him.

 

If he can't committ to you, why should you be showing him the respect to respond immediately after you get home.... WHY DAISY? WHY?

 

If it is because you love him.... well I just don't see why waiting till Monday night hurts your cause.

 

Forgive me if I'd had too much to drink, but I don't see how you have given him ANY actions that have reinforced his fear of losing you. All games aside... if there is a fear that you might find someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated, you need to make him feel this threat.

 

You are a wonderful woman... why are you continuing to be subservient to his irrational fear of committment? I must say that I STRONGLY disagree with the way you are playing your cards. You went away for the weekend... he had doubts... and the first thing you do is assure him he has nothing to worry about. You deserve to have his love... you deserve to have love... whether you can see it yet or not, he has PLENTY to worry about.

 

Now that I've said all of this... feel free to let loose on me. I'm sure that in the last world-wind week, I've done a bunch of things that you don't agree with.

[kipster]

When I came back home, the ex had sent me two emails, and IMed as soon as I got on the computer. He apologized for contacting me, but he said that he'd missed me a lot over the weekend, and needed to talk for a little bit. We ended up talking on the phone for a while this afternoon.

 

This was great for me, because I had wanted to talk to him, too -- I wanted to clear up the "in love" thing. I was so upset by what he said that I didn't stop to think (until this weekend) what he meant by it. He says that he loves me, that he's attracted to me physically, that he misses me, that he still has "feelings" for me, and that he misses doing things with me. So what does "I'm not in love with you" mean? . .

 

Take it from a guy Daisy, he not only loves you, but he's in love with you as well. That's why I could have predicted that he would call you back after you told him no contact. Look at the facts and use your insight on this one. Why is it that everytime you pull back, he becomes more interested (e.g., when you say no contact, he calls incessantly)? Why is it that he becomes jealous when you speak of guys hitting on you, but then pulls back once you re-assure him that their no threat to him? Its like just when you suck him in, you then push him back out by re-assuring him that he's got you. Its like just when you make him chase, you give him the prize. When you first met him, did you tell him that you were there for the taking or did he have to work alittle? I'm guessing he had to work alittle to get you. Why then, do you now make him feel as if your always there for him and that there are no other guys competing with him for you?

 

I agree with Shocked & Dismayed, stop calling him and contacting him. Let him do the hunting and I bet he'll be the one doing all the calling. And also, stop telling him you love him! You think he doesn't know that already? Your actions are already telling him that! No need to re-state the obvious.

 

Also, Notice that all goes well until you say that to him? Trust me, he still loves you if he didn't why would he bother with you. Most times as a guy, when I'm done dating a woman I certainly don't remain in contact with her, joking with her, and tell her that I'm uncomfortable if other men hit on her. Why would I care if we're done? That alone tells me he still desires you. But it just seems like you keep giving yourself to him on a silver platter (I love you) after you make him wait a bit for the order (tell him no contact). As a guy, IMHO, nothing is worse than seeing a woman you still care for with another guy. And I don't care what male it is, believe me that (as Usher says) Burns. So the next time you go out, do not re-assure him. Let him wonder and I suspect you might get him to change his tune....

[shockeddismayed]

Thank you kipster...

 

We'll get DaisyB back with her man in no time flat!

 

Shocked&D

[kipster]

Thank you kipster...

 

We'll get DaisyB back with her man in no time flat!

 

Shocked&D

 

I think the funny thing for Daisy and although she can't see it now, will be that her 'man' will be back (I can't say how long it will take though), but she is probably going to find that it will be her making the decision of whether she wants him back or not when its all said and done. I know at this time it seems like you want this guy back 100%. But when he does comeback, which I believe he will by his actions, you'll have to really ask yourself if this is what you want or not.

 

Seems strange, but I believe that's what will happen and you'll be the one in the drivers seat if you use your head and not your heart to stear the ship.

[DaisyB]

Wow, guys! Looks like you've solved all my problems.

 

Funny -- I have no idea what this story must sound like to an outsider, but I'm sure in some ways it's clearer to you than it is to me. (And of course, there are some things I know that you all don't, just because I know our history and personalities, etc.)

 

Kipster, I haven't said "I love you" since last Thursday, and you're right -- I probably shouldn't have said it then or the time before, either. I guess I was getting more comfortable (?), or maybe just stupider. . .

 

I'm still thinking about the rest of your advice. I was truly glad to talk to him yesterday and clear up some of my questions. And judging from his reactions, I still have the "upper hand" here. But maybe I should have waited till today to talk to him. . . I don't know. Water under the bridge now, I suppose.

 

Do you really think he's that hooked?

[ziggystar]

hey daisy b,

 

i hate to make predictions, but it sounds like you and him are going to be just fine. just have a little patience. like i said, what's a few months compared to a life time.

 

i've had 2 friends who have broken up and gotten back together and have gotten married or engaged this year so far. one couple split for a couple of months, then got back, moved it, got married. another couple split for a year, got back moved in, engeaged. you're in a even better position, you're not really split up.

 

good luck.

[Stingseed]

Ziggy I have a question for you. Fromt he people that you know that got back together did any of them cheat on another? And is 3 months of the dumper seeing someone else to long but they still calling...?

[ziggystar]

stingseed,

 

the breakup of the 2 couples were not because of cheating. however, there might have been a 3rd party involved after the breakup and before they got back together. the pivotal point in these couples getting back together was to get married (a life long commitment). and really unless, that's the goal, getting back together with an ex serves no purpose. i know some people on this forum will disagree, but what would getting back with the ex serve if not for a commitment. to get back together to just keep each other company but have a free pass to leave at any point again seems like a waste of time. yes, eventhough couples commit, it doesn't guaranty anything, but it's even less likely when nobody is commited to anything.

 

and as for your question about 3 months, i can't answer that because there is no formula in how people get back together or not. there's always a chance. but you do have to ask that question of yourself. what do i want from getting back with my ex? daisy b wants the commitment/marriage, her ex knows it. and i think he wants it too, just a matter of time.

[shockeddismayed]

ziggy...

 

That is a good point.

 

I mean committment is what all of this is about.

 

I've been trying to get my EXGF to AVOID that issue because I didn't think she could decide it on her own. I was hoping we could get back together to work back up toward that committment... that I needed to trust her again too.

 

But nevertheless, she continues to try and find her final solution alone. I KNOW she is thinking "Marry him or be single".

 

Perhaps I'll PM you about it.

 

Anyway... as to the discussion of timeline. I agree, there can't be any set rules. The couple I knew who just split and got back together took 4 months to work on things again. She left him... convinced that she didn't love him... but then realized that she was unhappy period, and that it must not have been b/c of him. She felt this after 2 months, but still took another 2 months of sitting with it in silence before she acted on it.

 

They were already married for about 6 months, so maybe that helped, as the finality of divorce... well, it WOULD force you to decide how strongly you felt.

 

As for DaisyB.... I dunno. I still think that she should allow this guy to worry about his future without her. If he isn't made to see that as a legit risk (and it IS IF HE CAN'T COMMITT), then I see this situation dragging out a long time.

 

I'm not saying cut all contact forever Daisy... but you could give it a week or two and it might really help.

[DaisyB]

You are right, S&D, I think he does need to worry about our future. From what he said yesterday, I think this weekend scared him pretty badly. I think it's the most scared he's been anytime since the break-up. He said he stayed in the entire weekend but didn't get any work done, and he got out one of his old journals from when things were really good between us, and reread the whole thing. I get the idea that he's really started thinking about what he wants, and really starting to imagine life without me.

 

But I'm not sorry I talked to him yesterday. I'm glad he got shaken up by the weekend, because I think he needed it to start addressing our relationship issues, but I also think we needed to talk together about some of those issues. It's hard to know the balance. . . but now that we've started talking about the relationship, I don't want to shut down that communication. If I truly hadn't been ready to talk to him yesterday, I would have told him. But I was ready to do it and be calm and controlled about it.

 

(Just so you guys know, I have another party to go to on Saturday, and another trip planned for the weekend after that. Enough to make him a little nervous, I think.)

 

It makes me feel bad to think about "making him nervous" as a positive thing. I'm certainly not planning these things to make him nervous. But he does seem to need a little jump start to get him thinking about commitment. It works well that I can grow as a person and cause him to think at the same time. . .

[shockeddismayed]

DaisyB

 

I understand your situation. I am in much the same place. She and I had 4 long and PRODUCTIVE relationship talks last week. We addressed all sorts of things... even agreed that her fear of losing me was what put us on a downward spiral originally.

 

We left things at her saying she'd keep contacting me, cuz she wasn't ready to lose me until she had a better idea of her heart. And me saying that I would be trying to move on anyway, as the depth of my feelings for her made it too difficult to sit and wait indefinitely.

 

It is getting on 5 days since I've heard from her... I think she's realized how terrible it is to string me along and she doesn't know what to say next.

 

*****

 

So I can see how difficult it is to know how to tread the balance. I'd say you need to think about it in terms of YOU. When you came back from the weekend, and he was having a bad time, your contacting him helped make HIM more secure, but not YOU. Whereas later on in a week (for example) you might be feeling down... why not call him then for YOU.

 

It seems like you are still wrapped up in looking at things through his eyes. Being selfish and independent is going to shake him up further, and make him see that he'd better start worrying about his feelings, as you aren't going to cater to them anymore.

 

Just my thoughts.... other than that, I guess I'll take a step back and say you could maintain contact... but you need to be very careful what message you are delivering. But you already know that.