The Waiting Game

[DaisyB]

We dated for almost 4 years, and broke up about 3 months ago. We'd been talking about marriage for over a year, and he kept saying he wasn't ready. . . he wasn't sure. Eventually, he said he couldn't be sure unless something changed about our relationship. We live in the same town, have the same friends, had dinner every night, spent weekends together. . . we hadn't said the vows or bought the rings, but everything was comfortable. Not always exciting -- although sometimes it was -- but warm. Reliable.

 

We've kept in contact for the past 3 months -- mainly IMs, and a phone call once a week or so. We've seen each other a few times. I try not to bring up the relationship, but when I do (or when he volunteers information), he still says "I don't know what the next step is."

 

I don't know how to react to that. . .

 

I don't want to hang on too much. But I want to keep in contact with him (he initiates, most of the time), and, of course, I want him to eventually decide to be with me. Most of the time I'm confident that he will. . . but sometimes, I'm not so sure. He seems very reluctant to decide one way or another.

 

Is there something I should be doing differently to "help" him decide? Or do I just need to be patient?

[DaisyB]

I realize that patience is probably the appropriate, mature way to go. But there are several problems with it, that I see. . .

 

1) Just so durn hard!

2) Might not be working

 

He does still contact me, but the contact doesn't seem to be as frequent or as intimate as it was a month or two ago. I would hate for him to contact me only until he feels secure enough to leave for good. . .

 

Some background on this guy: he is notorious for being a slow decision maker, especially about major life issues like this. He once said that his life seemed to "happen to him," rather than he making any firm decisions about what should happen in his life.

 

(That's not quite true -- he DOES make decisions -- but the fact that he feels that way is significant, I think.)

 

So -- I don't want to lose him by continually playing it cool. I might need to make a big move sometime soon, but I'm not sure when I should do it, or what I should do.

[GeeCee]

I think that I agree with you. Just as you got complacent in your relationship, now you are getting complacent in your non-relationship. What should you do? I think that you should try and make yourself less available. Of course this will be incredibly difficult, seeing as you want to see him more, not less. But perhaps you now need to mix things up a little, and keep him wondering. At the moment he has no need to make any changes, you are in the periphery of his life and he knows that he only has to ask and you will be back in his life completely.

 

Try and implement the no-contact strategy. Do not take his calls or see him. See if this forces a change in him. It also gives you the space to develop yourself and preparing for your next relationship, be that with him or not.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[DaisyB]

Thanks, GeeCee. . .

 

I've been reading this forum for a while and have been following your stories and advice -- I've been rooting for you!

 

I think I agree with you on being less available. . . but that doesn't mean I like it. (Or even that I'll be able to do it, but I'm going to try. . .)

 

He comes back from out of town today, and said he'd give me a call/IM tonight or tomorrow. I think this'll be a great time to try a new strategy, since he doesn't know what I've been up to since he's been gone. . .

 

Have fun getting your new shoes! I bought new ones this weekend. Pink. . . I never used to wear pink!

[DaisyB]

So. . . he's contacted me three times since he got back into town last night.

 

He also said that he avoiding going through my hometown (he was traveling in my old home state) because he "didn't want to be there without me."

 

I'm in a good mood tonight, so I'm reading this as a good sign, ignoring that 1) the contacts were all IM messages/conversations, 2) he said he had to go first (drat!), and 3) we didn't talk about anything of much substance (except the "didn't want to be there without me" comment).

 

I'm trying not to get too confident, either. . . over these 3 months I've realized that these contacts are usually followed by a depressed day or two, when my hopes are high but aren't met.

 

Also got a new haircut tonight to go with the new pink shoes. I figured a little celebration was in order. . .

[DaisyB]

A fourth contact from him last night (another IM):

 

Hey...just wanted to say goodnight and that I hope you have a good rest of the week. I have been busy today...sheesh. I leave tomorrow midday to go with [mutual male friend] to [mutual male friend's hometown]. I will miss you while I'm there. And I'm sure the dogs will too. It was hard to be in [your home state] without you, especially [your hometown]. But I keep thinking that this is right. This is good. It's healthier than, for instance, the last time we "broke up." So I guess it's best to keep doing it. I hope you're doing okay. I'll let you know when I get back from Easter. Take care of yourself.

 

Not too sure what to make of that one. I like the tone of it -- the beginning, at least. I like the "I will miss you." I like the four contacts in 24 hours. Obviously, I don't like the ending.

 

I don't know where to go from here.

 

I didn't respond to the message, so I guess I have the weekend to figure out my next move.

 

Both of us travel fairly frequently, so we've had a lot of forced NC in the past 3 months, which is probably good. (We get the space, but no one's to blame for not contacting the other.) I agree with him that we have needed the space, and some good things have come from it. But it's not my final resting place.

 

Is he actively trying to figure out what he wants to do about us? Has he given "us" up completely? Is he just lazily waiting to "see where it goes"?

[GeeCee]

Hi Daisy

 

You seem to have yourself a fairly healthy situation going on here. You have been split for three months, he initiates the contact, he misses you enough to tell you, and he doesn't do things that remind him of you!

 

I think that he is a bit skittish, and patience and understanding is the way to go with this situation. You are doing all the right things, listening, not giving anything away, keeping it light. You don't respond instantly to his messages and all of this is good.

 

I'm afraid, Daisy, that you should do more of the same. Hopefully, when he gets back after the Easter break he might suggest meeting up. Let us know if that is the case.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[DaisyB]

No news yet -- he won't be back till late tomorrow or Monday -- but just some thoughts.

 

I'm having kind of a gloomy Saturday morning. I'm sure part of it is the weather. . . yesterday was gorgeous here and I felt good -- today is cloudy with sporadic rain, and that's exactly how I'm feeling, too.

 

The problem with giving someone time and space is that it's so indefinite. I know -- that indefinable quality is what makes time and space so necessary and valuable. I just wish it weren't so scary and painful.

 

I wish I knew more of what he's thinking and feeling, but I don't want to press too much right now. But sometimes it drives me crazy to have a light IM conversation with him when I crave something more real.

 

I haven't seen him in a month, and I'm hoping he'll suggest getting together sometime soon. He has a good opportunity for a summer position in a different city, and I think he's going to take it -- I'm pretty sure that he'll suggest seeing each other at least once before he leaves. If not, I'm going to take the initiative on that one.

 

He's said that he's grateful for the opportunity to spend the summer in a different place, so that he "won't make any major decisions for the wrong reasons." I guess that's good in the healthy, overall sense of things. I'd hate for us to get back together for the wrong reasons (whatever those are), only to regret it later.

 

But it looks like I'm going to have to be patient for the long haul.

[DaisyB]

Happy Easter, everyone. . .

 

Phone call coming soon tonight from the back-in-town ex, who "wants to talk to me right before I go to bed." Could be interesting. . . I'll post an update tomorrow.

 

Sleep well, gang.

[DaisyB]

So -- the update.

 

He does call right before bedtime, and it goes really well. One of the best talks we've had since we've been broken up. It feels natural and fun, and we laugh a lot. He says, several times, that he missed me over the weekend. Finally I say that I miss him. . . and that the Easter holiday was especially hard without him there. (It's funny -- and sort of sad -- that I had to build up the courage to tell him that.) He says he'll call me again in a few days. So we end the call, and I can't fall asleep for an hour, because I'm still excited from talking to him.

 

I had forgotten just how much I miss HIM -- the way he tells stories, or the way he notices trivial little things (which are exactly the things I would notice), or the way he laughs. . . man, it was good to talk to him again.

 

But -- I had prepared myself for this, and even though I'm feeling good now, I know that nothing has really changed about our situation. That started to get me down a little, but then I thought about what has changed -- me. I've shown progress. So I thought that I'd try to focus on that for a while.

 

(As I was writing this, an IM from him pops up! He never contacts me on Mondays -- his Mondays are especially busy -- and now this. It's a short conversation -- I don't have anything to say except that work was good today, and he doesn't really have anything to say either, so it's a little awkward. . . he finally says that he ought to get back to work, but he just wanted to say hey.)

 

And now my heart's beating all fast again.

 

Okay. . . not getting my hopes up, nothing's changed. . . he said, just last week, that being broken up is good. . .

 

So strange. I wonder how many words we exchanged when we were dating -- so often, about nothing! -- and I never broke them down to analyze them. Now every word is so precious that I can't help but try to find some "secret meaning." And here I am, getting all excited over a two-minute IM conversation about work and the weather!

[DaisyB]

The saga continues. . .

 

Lots of light contact today and tonight, including a phone call. Apparently this Monday wasn't as busy for him as Mondays usually are. All good -- even a little light flirting -- but nothing monumental.

 

Maybe I was too available today, but I think (I hope) I'm at a point where I can handle talking to him without getting too worked up about it. Don't get me wrong -- I get excited when he contacts me -- but I think I'm able to keep it in perspective. I haven't initiated contact in about a month now, I'm not always immediately available, and I certainly don't beg him to get back together.

 

I do have to keep reminding myself that we're still broken up -- he's said he misses me, but he hasn't said "I love you" or "I want you back." And we seem to be long way from that stage.

 

I almost did a very stupid thing at the end of our call tonight, though. Our call was so natural, and I was so comfortable, that I sort of slipped into autopilot as I was saying goodnight. . . and I almost said "I love you." Now, of course I do, but we've stopped saying it, and I wouldn't even have been saying it on purpose. . . it was just sort of a reflex after saying goodnight. But luckily, I caught myself in time, and just said "Sleep well."

 

So we'll see what tomorrow brings. A day at a time.

 

Sleep well.

[GeeCee]

DaisyB

 

I am really happy for you. You seem to have a really good perspective on what is going on. I still think that you are in a really good situation. It is great that he is now feeling comfortable enough to contact you so regularly. What you are doing is exactly right - no pressure, keeping the talk light and friendly. These guys can be a little skittish, and it seems the slightest sudden movement scares them off. So keeping things deliberate and calm should go a long way to making them feel safe and secure.

 

Keep us posted on any further updates.

 

G xx

[DaisyB]

Thanks for your support, Geecee

 

No contact from him today -- yet -- although I really didn't expect any. . . after yesterday's deluge (a bunch of IMs, an email, and a phone call!), I imagine that he's satiated. . . for now. Oh, but he'll be back again.

 

The great thing -- even better than all that contact, really -- is how free I'm feeling right now. . . I still want him back, but as I'm becoming more interested and involved in new things, I find I'm becoming more patient. And if the wanting him back wears off, then so it does. . .

 

Still nowhere near that happening, though. And nowhere near wanting to date anyone else. I do want to take up a new hobby, though. Something where I can meet some new people. Not sure what, yet. I'll keep you posted.

 

Goodnight, all.

[GeeCee]

Oh DaisyB, DaisyB

 

This is good, this is very good. You are surely moving on and developing very, very nicely.

 

I totally agree with you - take up a new hobby - only don't take up the one I am currently enjoying soooo much - shopping!!!! Gotta cut up those credit cards!

 

G xx

[DaisyB]

I haven't been able to log on for a few days, so forgive the condensed update. There's been a little rule-breaking going on, so I know some of you will disapprove, but I think it's going okay. . .

 

On Wednesday he IMed me several times. . . I was working on my taxes and truly busy, so that helped. But he ended with "If you're done in an hour and you want to, give me a call before you go to bed."

 

Argh! Well, of course I was done in an hour. So. . . I called. We had a great conversation, very light and fun, and then he asked -- out of nowhere -- "Is it okay that we've talked on the phone three times this week?"

 

Well, I wasn't ready for that one. I sort of stumbled my way through it without actually answering, until I could say, "Do you think it's okay?" He said that he'd enjoyed it, but he didn't want to "go through all of this breaking-up stuff without getting anything out of it." This was followed by a very awkward relationship conversation, in which was determined 1) if anything changes about our relationship status, it would happen after August, after he returns from his summer position, and 2) anything could happen between now and then.

 

Then the conversation turns flirtaceous. Eventually, he invites me to come over. (It's about 1 am by this time.) Again, he leaves it in my hands. He says that he really wants to see me, but if I don't want to come or don't think it's right, he will understand.

 

Now, I know that probably I should have said no, and just basked in the glory of knowing that he wanted to see me. But I didn't.

 

Sorry, guys. But it was 1 am, and I really wanted to see him, too, and I couldn't log on to the computer to get your advice, and. . . well, I guess at the time, a few hours of bliss seemed better than months of hoping for an uncertain future. Sometimes you've just got to take the risk, I think.

 

So I go. No details here (sorry). It's every bit as wonderful and tender and incredible as you might imagine, times 1000.

 

We don't talk about the relationship at all while I'm there. I leave in the morning to go to work and go through my day as normal. . . that evening he IMs just to chat, and says that he really enjoyed the night. I say that I did, too.

 

And no, nothing has really changed, but it hasn't gotten worse, either. He's contacted me a few times since then (no more or less than he had been doing), and I've been trying to stay busy, and remember that, as he says, "anything could happen between now and August."

 

Whew. So that's where we stand. I guess I'm back to playing my long-term game. I'm up for a promotion at work and have been running a lot, although no fabulous brand-new hobby yet. I'll let you know.

 

I've missed you guys. . .

[GeeCee]

DaisyB

 

Absolutely nothing wrong with what you did the other night - in fact I think that it is perfect in your long-term game-plan. He asked YOU to go there. He has messaged YOU since, saying that it was good to be with you. Perfect. And you are quite right, you have to go back to your long-term view of the situation.

 

Good for you - you are playing a patient game and it is getting you somewhere - I currently feel like I am going backwards FAST.

 

Keep us updated on whether his behaviour changes now.

 

G xx

[SteveNaive]

Hey, I have been reading your forum, and I really think you are doing really well. I totally agree with GeeCee, it was right what you did. It may even show him, what he is missing. However, do not do this to often. In my case it was kinda the same. She virtually always initiated it and I was willing to give in, because it was just so good and felt so right. However, it made her turn away from me, as it made her think I'd always there whenever she needs me. And if she doesn't need me I am the one who is suffering now...

However, you are doing really well, and it looks like you really have a chance to make it. Keep on!

[DaisyB]

Thanks Steve and GeeCee. . . you guys made me feel really good. I'm just trying to figure all of this out as I go, and hope I'm making the right decisions. (As are we all, I guess.)

 

It's a gorgeous day outside today, so I'm going out to stretch those running legs. . .

[DaisyB]

And down we go again. . .

 

No real reason for it, but after my run yesterday I entered one of those dark periods. . . just kind of down and depressed. I had one of those days where I stayed very busy, but couldn't stop thinking of him all day long. I made it through the day okay but didn't sleep very well, and had horrible dreams. . .

 

The ex and I had lots of very flirty contact on Saturday, but nothing yesterday, until this message (which I didn't get till this morning):

 

Hey...I am just now getting home. It has been a long day, but a good one. I hope you have had a good day too and that you have a great day tomorrow. Take care of yourself, and I'll try to be in touch early this week sometime. Goodnight.

 

Which doesn't seem that bad, I guess. . . I just wonder where he was all day (until 12:30 in the morning), and, I admit, I don't like the idea of him out having a good time when I'm having such a bad day.

 

I know that this affects absolutely nothing in the long-term, and I have no intention of changing my game plan right now. I'm just ready for these stupid bad days to go away.

[SteveNaive]

Hey Daisy, keep your head up. We all have these days where nothing seems to work out. As you might have seen I had one of these yesterdays as well. I could have had a chat with her, but rather decided to go for not contact. Which meant she did not want to talk anymore. Strange, but that's life.

 

I guess we all could live without these down days. Then again those days serve a purpose, in order to know what we really want or really miss, we have to go through them. How are you supposed to know how great you feel when you never felt bad? How are you supposed to enjoy loving someone, when you have never been hurt? There is always light at the end of the tunnel. I do not say we all get what we want (or what we deserve?!), but things will always turn bright again in one or another way!

 

Do not worry about what he is doing or why he is enjoying it. Just do not think these thoughts! I know it is easier said than done, and I can't even say I live up to my own advice (and seeing my ex kissing him in a club most certainly des not help)...try however... Cheer up, you are not alone!

[Stingseed]

Hello Daisy

 

I think you are doing well. Keep to your game plan. Steve is right about the bad days they serve a purpose. I am going throught the same situation she contacts me and tells me in many ways how she dreams, thnks and misses me and how she calls the guy she is seeing my name by accident and all, but in the end actions speak louder than words and I let her know this. Daisy like you I am maintain patient and letter her come to me like you should continue to do. Again don't change your game plan and if something does happen in the case you find someone to date then by all means go for it. Remember you are number one work on yourself if he happens to come along then it is a bonus. Your ex like mine as to realize that we were good to them and also that we are not there puppets to play with our emotions like this. Take it slow and remember if it was meant to be it will be.

[DaisyB]

Thanks, Steve and Stingseed. Man, when those bad days hit, they can hit hard. . .

 

I'm feeling much better after going to work and concentrating on something else for a while. So strange how my emotions can affect my sense of reality. I know my ex isn't dating anyone else. I know he has good days and bad days (same as I do), and I know that he's not going to do anything drastic, like. . . I don't know. . . running off to Vegas and marrying a showgirl. I know he loves and misses me and has thoughts of us getting back together, he just doesn't know when or for sure.

 

His main struggle, as best I understand it, is fear of commitment. As far as I can tell, that's what caused the relationship to end. Instead of being sympathetic and patient with him, I got upset and continued to push. . . which, of course, made him pull away, made me push more. . . we all know this story. I'm not sure how to rectify it now, but I hope that time apart will make me more patient and him more committed. But we'll see. Maybe I'll just become a showgirl instead.

 

So you're right, Stingseed, it's all about me for now. Gonna go for a run and try to beat yesterday's time. Take care, all.

[GeeCee]

DaisyB

 

It is just that itme again - I think that we have all had our crash over the last few days. We are now back on the up, baby, surely ....?!??!!?

 

G xx

[DaisyB]

Curiouser and curiouser. . .

 

He IMs today and asks how my Sunday was. . . and I can't lie to him. Just not part of my game. So I'm purposely vague and say that I had a tough day -- that Sundays in general have been hard for me. He presses a little more and I tell him about my horrible dream last night, and he asks what caused it. . . finally I say, "I just really missed you yesterday." And change the subject.

 

When we say goodbye, he tells me that he'll talk to me again tonight, which he does. . . and we have a very good, very natural conversation. I mention that I looked into taking massage classes, and he hints that he could benefit from that, too. . . then says that he wishes things "weren't the way they are."

 

At the end of the conversation, he asks me to come over again. He's serious, but he puts it so lightly it's almost joking. But this time I told him no. . . not only do I think saying no is a good thing right now, I'm honestly just too tired tonight. He says of course he wants me to get my sleep, I apologize but remain firm, and we end on a good note.

 

Oh, this is feeling good. . .

 

But. I need to concentrate on something else for a few days, I think, lest I get too obsessed with this. . . make sure my energy is going somewhere productive. I'm worried that if he starts initiating more contact, I might get so caught up in it that I forget the situation we're in and how we got there in the first place.

 

So, busy busy busy for a while.

[Berty75]

Hi All,

 

I have lurking around on this site for about 3 months now. I can't tell you how helpful it's been and how it got me through some very tough moments. Thank you!

 

Daisy B -

 

It's your posts that actually got me to become a member. When I read them, it was like reading my own story. I had to reply. I think our exs were separated at birth!

 

I dated my ex for 3 1/2 years and we broke up about 3 months ago. We had a great relationship. Our biggest (and only) problem during the relationship....his fear of commitment. Just like your ex, he would take forever to make any descions, big or small (he waited until 2 weeks before law school started to actually commit to going!). We had also had the "marriage talk" and we even went as far as to go ring shopping. However, everytime we got SO close...he would back down (it happened 2x). It made me insane. I couldn't understand the switch in feelings. I would push and push. Then I would talk and talk. Then analyze his every word and action trying to make sense of it all. Eventually it got to be too much for him and he broke up with me. I pleaded for a day or two, then I claimed I just wanted friendship (yeah right). In the end I confessed my heart was still involved.

Like you, we continued contact. We talked 3x a week, IMs, emails. It didn't seem like much of a break up to me. I would save them and re-read them to try and figure out what he was thinking (crazy-right?) Everytime the relationship came up though, he would say "I'm not sure what I want right now" and "this is good for us/me" and "only time will tell". We've seen each other 2 x since then (he lives 3 hours away-law school) and we also "re-kinlded the fires" so don't feel bad about that one

We actually still say "I love you" and have transitioned into "dating" and we agreed not to see other people. It was a long hard struggle to get here though. To be honest, I'm still not sure where we are going. He still says "let's see where it leads us"...always the least amount of commitment possible. I mean, we could get back together, only for him to freak out and leave again. I don't ever want to feel that pain again! I sometimes have nightmares of him leaving me at the alter. I think the whole thing is really about their fears and our inability to let them go. I still have hope, but it's cautious hope. And, even though we talk more now, I still analyze everything he says!

 

Anyway, I completely babbled...sorry! I just wanted you to know how similar our stories where (to many others too- I'm sure) and that I completely understand how you feel and where you are. Let me know if I can ever help analyze...I've think I've gotten very good at it

 

Good luck to all of you!